Strollerderby : crying

Desperate Parents Cry out for the Robocrib

Amy Kuras — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:32:00 GMT

The badge of parenthood, the thing we talk about all the time, the thing we crave the most, is sleep. And most new parents think it will never happen for them again.

That must be the need Japanese engineers at Kyuushuu University in Japan were trying to meet with the Suima crib. It contains a microphone that picks up the sound of a baby’s cries, and responds by swaying side to side about 10 centimeters every 1.8 second, or about the same as a parent’s heart rate.

Officially, I am horrified by this – I mean, babies cry to let us know they need us, and our job as a parent shouldn’t be outsourced to machinery. On the other hand, after nearly a year of frequent night wakeups by my little guy who is perfect in every way except he hates to sleep? I would have considered it. The baby in the video goes right back to sleep after a few minutes of rocking by the crib, while my kid (and I’d bet, most) would respond to a parent in the middle of the night by thinking “Hey!! Party time!” Some soothing by something that’s not you could be really verrrry tempting.

Teaching Kids the Right and Wrong Way to Cry

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:30:00 GMT

Like many people my age, I grew up listening to Rosey Grier tell me it was all right to cry. “Crying gets the sad out of you. It’s all right to cry. It might make you feel better,” the football star crooned into my mother’s living room countless times.

Well, as much as I still love Free to Be...You and Me, new research suggests that crying might not actually make you feel better. Common wisdom has long held that “having a good cry” provides a soothing sense of release. But now psychologists are arguing that this belief is, in part, a self-fulfilling prophecy: because people believe crying is good for them, they tend to report positive effects from emotional breakdowns. In fact, as a review paper in Current Directions in Psychological Science argues, crying may be detrimental for some people, leading to more confusion and sadness. Turns out, there’s a "right" way and a "wrong" to cry.

Not surprisingly, the ability to cry in the right or wrong way as an adult has much to do with—you guessed it—how you were raised. (This would be a good time to remind yourself of Jon Stewart’s parenting words of wisdom: “it’s a chance to ruin somebody from scratch.”)

Some therapists believe that children whose parents react attentively and lovingly to their crying find tearful episodes more cathartic later in life. Kids whose tears are scolded or ignored are less likely to find crying soothing as adults; instead of seeking comfort or outside assistance in regulating emotions, they tend to cry as a protest to others. Since “Fix it!” is an impossible request when it comes to grief, this kind of crying only leaves people feeling more bereft.

So, Rosey Grier, looks like you were on to something after all….

Photo: current.com

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Babble Talk: Is Ditching the Baby Monitor Child Abuse?

JeanneSager — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:27:00 GMT

If parents want to get really hard core, they always pull out the word "abuse." As in, "I can't believe you'd do that to your child, that's child abuse!"

Elizabeth Blackwell's recent Babble essay, Bad Parent: Out of Sight, elicited some shock and awe for her refusal to use a baby monitor. But can not using a baby monitor to track your child's every whimper and wheeze really be considered child abuse? I mean, folks, we do have to sleep, shower . . . poop.

If you have all five senses attuned to your child at every moment of every day, I commend you. I don't.

Neither did my parents or their parents. Heck, my grandmothers didn't have baby monitors - and no one would dare tell Grandma that the seven children she raised were anything but well-behaved, well-mannered and in perfectly good health.

Baby monitors are little more than a modern convenience. Useful for some families - including some of the parents who commented about their big houses where it's hard to hear from room to room or kids with medical conditions. For others, well, we used ours a handfull of times, and she's managed to weather the storm.

In truth, although it was dubbed a piece about the electronic monitoring devices, the heart of readers' pique is how Blackwell keeps track of her kids throughout the day and how she responds to them. When they start to cry in the morning, Blackwell says she doesn't hop right to it. And when the bedroom is quiet, she likes to let sleeping babies lie.

Letting a child cry for hours on end might be child abuse (although Dr. Ferber might disagree). But letting a child know that the minute they wake up, Mommy might be on the potty or washing dishes or yes, lolling in bed after a long night of feedings and diaper changes, isn't. As one nurse practitioner told me, shortly after I gave birth, sometimes, kids just cry. Make sure they are fed, they have been changed, they are dressed appropriately for the temperature and they are safe. If you have done everything in your power to make them stop crying, and they won't, it's OK to put them down and walk away.

We are our kids' biggest comfort, but they need to learn to self-soothe and to develop their own interests. Smushed up against Mom's chest all day where she's making them feel better, they hardly get to see the world. They also need to learn that not every moment of your day can be devoted to them. Sometimes, you have to eat, sleep, poop - just like babies.

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They Say: Baby Signing Does Work

Miriam Axel-Lute — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:30:00 GMT

It's pretty darn preliminary, but two recent bits of research indicate that yes, babies who are taught sign language might be able to communicate earlier in a way that makes life easier for them and their parents.

As reported on Science Blogs (hat tip: Jake), the first of the studies involved two babies and graphed their process learning a sign ("please" in one case, "more" in the other), and then showed that they could use it "in the real world" with people other than the researcher. It was interesting to me that one of the kids had Downs (she was a few months older, but it was still interesting to note that she learned the sign just as fast). I know sign is used extensively with developmentally delayed adults, so it makes sense to be including it here. I'm glad they aren't waiting until a million tests have been done on "normal" kids, which often seems to be the experimental pattern.

The second study measured the decrease in crying/whining in two pre-verbal kids who were taught signs for the things they usually cried about. The crying went down as the signing went up. Of course there's a huge flaw in that one, as Dave Munger points out in his post: Along the way, the adults stopped responding to the crying and only responded to the sign. But not responding to the crying could have made it decrease all on its own.

I look at that this way though: Crying is not actually bad behavior in a pre-verbal kid, it's a form of communication. So I wouldn't want to "train" them out of it without giving them an different way to communicate. If you can give them a sign instead, then you're ahead of the game. So the results of that study, not matter what it's actually measuring, are still hopeful.

I'm inclined to believe sign is useful, of course, just based on my own experience. My kid talked pretty early, but I still wouldn't have wanted to give up the communication we had in the months before that when she could tell us a handful of things like "more" and "water" and "windy" and "Daddy." It was so much better than having no clues except facial expressions and crying volume.

All in all, we would need research with much larger sample sizes to prove anything, but since there's no particular down side to teaching a few signs (or even full-fledged ASL) to a baby, any indication that it's helpful should be good news to parents eager to get a little communication going.

Photo by gfpeck.

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Remember Baby Jessica? An Indian Boy's Struggle Makes a Mom Cry

JeanneSager — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:22:00 GMT

I remember my mother holding me tight while workers were down a well in Texas trying to rescue Baby Jessica. It was 1987, and my mother had not just me but my infant brother at home while every mom in the country held her breath for the 18-month-old Jessica McClure. I was a typical kid who wanted to get back to reading my book. I didn't know about a baby in a well, and I didn't care.

Two decades later, this morning I was the mother hugging tight a struggling kid while workers are down a 150-foot borewell in India digging to rescue a 2-year-old. What is it about being a parent that makes us that much more attuned to a family in crisis?

Before getting pregnant, I would never have wished real ill toward a child. But I wouldn't have sat with one tab open on my computer screen, watching for news of a child literally half a world away. I would have read the story, shrugged, moved on. I might have let pass a comment to my husband or coworkers about how sad it was. But that's it. I felt empathy. I am, after all, human. But nothing like this. Last week, writing a story for the local newspaper about a child suffering from neuroblastoma with a complication that has taken away the almost-2-year-old's ability to walk, and the family's struggle to make ends meet, I wept over my keyboard. When I pulled it together, I pulled my daughter onto my lap and stuck my nose in her hair to drink in the baby shampoo, and I nearly lost it again. I'm not pregnant. I'm not hormonal. But I read the story of 2-year-old Sonu, who is still stuck, 60 feet down the bore well near his home in Agra, India, and I clenched my fists to keep from crying.

Is this all part and parcel of being a parent? Do you find yourself clenching your fists until you find out another person's child is going to be OK?

Image: The Times of India

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The Best Parenting Advice EVER

Kelly Mills — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 13:13:00 GMT

A while back I went to a baby shower, and the host had everyone write down their best advice on parenting for the expectant couple in an album. When it was my turn to come up with some pearls, I paused. The truth was that the very best pieces of advice were rarely about whether or not to co-sleep or use a pacifier (um, for the baby, yo) or wait an extra year for kindergarten, though those are topics of much anxiety for parents. And the top words of wisdom I got almost never came from books or the doctor or even my closest people. Parenting is funny that way. You depend on the kindness of strangers for very general and life-saving stuff.

Now one of my closest friends is about to have a baby any day now (on her own, too---she got tired of waiting for a suitable life partner and knew she wanted kids) and I thought I'd again ask people I don't know for something helpful. Here's the best advice I got. Then you offer what worked for you, and we can share it with my friend.

1. It gets easier. When my baby was six weeks old and I was almost googling orphanages, I made a bleary trek to the grocery store. I must have looked like holy crap, because a woman I'd never met whispered to me: "It gets easier." "When?" I asked desparately, my eyes filling with tears. She thought for a moment, and said, "Two months. Then again at six months. Then again at a year..." She was right.

2. Along those lines, new parents should cry as much as they want. Now is not the time for stoicism. Basically the job of the new parent is to keep the baby and themselves alive, and that means you sleep whenever you can, you eat whatever you want, you drink tons of water, you live in a messy house, and you cry as much as you like. All of these work best when you have sympathetic people around, and the weeping thing lets people know you need help. I got this gem when I was in the emergency room three days postpartum with a horrible bladder infection. I began sobbing, and the nurse told me not to cry. From the curtained bed next to mine, a woman yelled, "Don't you tell her that! Honey, cry as much as you want. When I had a newborn I wept constantly." I don't even know what she looks like, but that woman was an angel.

3. Kids behave badly when they are going through a developmental phase. I tell everyone this, and I don't even know where I got it, but it's the best thing I know. Just when my child has been the devil for a month and a half and I'm sure I have really screwed up because I am raising a monster, she abruptly changes back into her sweet self and has some new skill to show for it. Crawling, walking, talking, social skills, reading...All were preceded by hell.

4. You probably won't know what to do until it happens. Plan all you want for how you'll teach your child to stand up to bullies, and then watch as your kid turns out to be more likely to pick on others. Choose a preschool when your kid is an infant, then realize your particular child is probably going to do better in a small home-based daycare. Vow to never use a pacifier. End up using a pacifier. Hey, most of what we do is on the fly, so it's best to just be flexible.

5. Lead by example, especially when you screw up. Because you will, you'll probably yell or realize you have been ignoring your kid or say something unkind and wish you could take it back. But think of this: Your kid is on a baseball team. They are a sucky player, they refuse to pracice, and then they drop the ball during a key moment. Do you tell them, "You stink, you aren't fit to be a player, you are screwing up baseball forever"? I sure hope not. Instead, you tell them to just do their best, to move on and have fun. Some of my finest moments have come after I messed up royally and lost it with my kid. I say I'm sorry, I practice doing it differently, I learn from it, and I just move on and do my best.

That last one I learned from my kid. Hey, now please, hit me with your best stuff.

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Succumbing to the Olympics Sap

Jen Chaney — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 12:27:00 GMT

I'll admit it. I cry easily when confronted with schmaltz. I weep while watching commercials. I sometimes tear up during movies I know are terrible. And since I've become a mother, I have found myself even more susceptible to emotional outbursts when my heartstrings get tugged.

That's why my tear ducts were in overdrive during the Olympics, an event that seeks to unite everyone in the world by forcing all of us to reach for a tissue at the same time. Slate.com instituted a Sap-o-Meter to track the level of sentimentality oozing from NBC's coverage of this great athletic event. Assuming the weekend didn't skew the numbers, the sappiest day of the Olympics occurred on Sunday, Aug. 16, when commentators mentioned moms A LOT (it always comes back to the mothers, doesn't it?) and gymnast Alicia Sacramone got a little weepy after falling not once, but twice, while attempting to help the U.S. women's team win gold.

Some of the moments that made me teary:

--When gymnast Shawn Johnson's parents wept and embraced after their daughter won the gold medal on balance beam. Honestly, could kind of cry again just thinking about it.

--Seeing poor Haley Ishimatsu, a U.S. diver who did not qualify for the finals, try to regain her composure during an interview when she was clearly devastated by her elimination.

--The moment when another diver, the retiring Laura Wilkinson -- who did not medal in Beijing -- got all verklempt while reflecting on her athletic career.

--Almost every minute that involved Michael Phelps, his mother or the total class act that is Dara Torres.

--Seeing Placido Domingo (seemingly) lip synch during the closing ceremonies. But that made me cry for a different reason.

So which Olympic highlight turned you into a weepy wuss? Go ahead. It's okay to admit it.

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Easter Bunny Cracks, Injures Kid

Kelly Mills — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Ever since I read "Santaland Diaries" by David Sedaris (highly recommended for being utterly hilarious,) I've been sort of fascinated by those folks who dress up in costume and pose for photos with the kids around the holidays. Think about it: What gets you into that line of work? Perhaps some people are so into the spirit of various holidays that they clear their calendars to become Santa and the Easter Bunny, but I imagine it's circumstance that brings most people into the job. And while Santa has some dignity, being a grown adult in a giant bunny costume and dealing with legions of sobbing children... Well, it's ripe for a "Falling Down" moment.

Not that I'm justifying the actions of this Bunny gone bad, mind you. Apparently frustrated with the photographer, a man playing a mall Easter Bunny decided to walk off the job mid-photo session, and put the nine-month-old who was on his lap on the floor. The baby suffered a forehead contusion in the process, and the man was arrested. The details of how exactly the child got the the floor are still unclear, but the guy could get two to 20 years for injury to a child. And he'll probably never work as a Bunny in any town again.