Clay Aiken ain't no fruit

Brett Singer — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Far be it from me to imply that Clay Aiken is anything less than muy macho. But, you know, there have been those nasty rumors, which led to threats of a lawsuit from his devoted fan base, who are known as the Claymates. (Really. They call themselves Claymates, and one of them tried to sue Clay over rumors that he was homosexual. Don't you feel normal now?) So perhaps -- and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this, you know -- Clay's recent actions are fueled by a desire to "butch it up, Mary" as the saying goes.

First: he impregnates a woman. This is a clear sign of masculinity. I mean, try doing that if you're... you know, not manly. Well, it was artificial insemination, which means there was no actual physical contact. But hey, there's nothing wrong with that either. (Even if Aiken isn't the father, he could have been. Hey! Stop laughing!)

Second: when a ~~vulture~~ cameraperson from ~~the fiery pits of Hell~~ TMZ confronted him on the street, he pulled a Sean Penn and whacked the camera. In a very aggressive, manly way. Again, nothing wrong with that. (Video of the incident is below, or click here.)

One thing that I've always found interesting is what constitutes "manliness." Impregnating a woman means that your sperm is, you know, spermy. Strong swimmers, etc. But so what?

And punching someone, even if that someone is ~~being a dick~~ just doing their jobs, is more out of control than it is "macho." To be fair, Clay just kinda pushed the guy; more specifically, he pushed the camera. If he had ripped the dude's arms off and beaten him within an inch of his life, that would have been much more manly. (Not that we advocate such behavior. But it would definitely have been big news.)

So maybe it's possible that all of this "news" just happens to be coming out (no pun intended) around the time that Mr. Aiken has a new album out. Just a thought.

In closing, let me request that the phrase "Claby" (Clay + Baby) never, ever catch on. It's just... there is something wrong with that.

(TMZ.com screenshot)

other image: offoffBway.com

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Brett Singer — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 13:30:00 GMT

Could the whole "Clay Aiken can impregnate a woman without even touching her" news be a big fat stinkin' lie? The Calgary Herald is reporting that "several people close to" babymama Jaymes Foster are denying claims (clayms? Nope, not going there) that Aiken is the daddy.

~~One Of The Signs Of The Apocalypse~~ TMZ first reported that Aiken had artificially inseminated Foster, the sister of record producer David Foster, going on to say that, "Clay is a lot more than sperm -- we're told he will have an active role in raising the child." The story was picked up by roughly 12 million media outlets. BUT one of the so-called sources is denying that he ever said Clay was the daddy-to-be, even asking People.com to retract their story. And B.J. Cook, David Foster's ex-wife and Jaymes Foster's ex-sister-in-law said, "Jaymes is definitely pregnant, that much is true...I can guarantee that it's not Clay Aiken's baby." (emphasis added.)

Of course, no one directly involved is talking to the press, including Clay, who is very busy punching cameras.

It must be pointed out that we have no knowledge of this incident, or alleged incident. Maybe Clay is on his way to fatherhood. Maybe not. Who the hell knows? Clearly this is the most important story of the decade. Well, other than the Sex and the City movie. (Election? What election?)

Aside #1: Foster went from "in her late 40's" to "50" in a matter of days -- I guess it is stressful being in the public eye. Here's a photo of the happy non-couple.

Aside #2: Even if this whole thing turns out to be bull, at least we'll always have the phrase "Clay is a lot more than sperm." Thank you ~~Satan~~ TMZ.

images: thehollywoodgossip.com, offoffBway.com

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