Strollerderby : diaper

10 Things I Learned about Poop from My Son

Cole Gamble — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Poop does not abide by the laws of gravity

I heard screaming from downstairs, my daughter wailing, “Daddy come look at this!” Sounded like the typical 50-times-a-day emergency drill. When I arrived downstairs I saw nothing out of the ordinary. “What is it,” I asked. “Dalton’s poop!” she replied. I searched the room. “Where?” She pointed up. Hanging from the ceiling was a perfect orb of poop, the exact size of a baseball. For a moment I had to just stare at it wondrously. Whatever feat got it up there, it was clearly the work of a master. Impressed, I applauded, then cried.

Poop likes to be talked too

Whenever I change Dalton’s diaper, Dalton’s makes sure to greet it (“Hi Poop!”) and bid it adieu when it goes in the trash (“Bye Poop!”)

Poop wants to be free – the last place poop wants to be is in a diaper

Smashed into the rug, on the bottoms of shoes, on the wall, next to the toilet (“so close, buddy”)…

The less access you have to diapers and wipes, the more volumous and offensive the poop will be.

You will find things in poop that don’t occur in nature

If I had a dime for every time I uttered, “Have you ever seen this color before in your life” I’d enough dimes to…forget it. I don’t want your poop dimes.

Black birthday cake frosting makes poop green

Brown carpeting seems like a great idea for hiding stains…until you consider the stains you want to find.

Your dog and child will work together to spread the joy.

Boy takes off poopy diaper. Border Collie immediately shreds into poop confetti for spreading over the entire basement.

Zoo's clearly feed their animals a better diet than you do your kid, because what comes out of your kid's rear smells worse than elephant poop.

The day the poop goes in the toilet is a glorious one…followed by another 6 months of poop everywhere else.

More by this Author:

Child Raised Worse Than an Animal Gets Happy Ending

My Wife Says: 10 Reasons to Get Plastic Surgery after the Baby - Part 2

5 Lies Women Tell Each Other About Pregnancy

Musical SpongeBob Rectal Thermometer. Fun for Your Kid’s Butt?

The Most Awesomely Epic High School English Paper of All Time

Let's Do the Twist, Baby

JeanneSager — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:21:00 GMT

Someone once told me that babies have natural rhythm.

If they do, some of us must lose it along the way - because this white girl can't dance. At all. Not even in the shuffling around the room with arms around your prom date's shoulder's kind of sense. It didn't help that my prom date was six-foot-five, and I was five-foot-three-and-three-quarters, but I digress.

Someone sent me the following video of a baby doing the Twist to make me laugh (they succeeded), but I was just in awe. Obviously the music was added later, but you have to watch this baby go.

Lying on his little changing pad (no worries, Dad's hand is evident nearby at all times during filming), he wiggles and jiggles and does a pretty convincing Twist.

Funny Videos

Now: to every parent who has had the diaper tussle, bookmark this. Next time your elbow lands in poop because they won't just lay still and you need a laugh, you can pull it up.

Via Funny Junk

Parenting 101: Changing a Baby's Diaper On an Airplane

Kate Tuttle — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:29:00 GMT

Traveling this holiday season? Worried you'll get one of those planes with no changing table in the lavatory? Just in time for your diapering-while-flying conundrum, here are some sites with useful tips for dealing with junior's dirty dipe while crusing at 30,000 feet.

From MSNBC's travel writer comes an assortment of ideas from parents who, it turns out, were writing to complain about an earlier column in which she declared all in-air diapering verboten. She graciously issued a mea culpa and shared her column with the experts: parents who have actually flown with little ones. Best information: which planes have changing tables (nearly all widebodied planes, like the Boeing 767 and 777 and Airbus 300). Most pointless factoid: changing a table in an airplane lavatory without a changing table is damn hard work. Most disgusting etiquette "don't": Gary, an airline employee, says he's seen parents change their baby on the tray tables, using all three in the row to stretch out the baby's body. As he points out, these trays are not typically cleaned between flights so, um, that's a good reason right there to bring your wipes even if you don't plan to change the baby.

Another site offers some handy tips, including the a-ha idea of timing any seat- or floor-based diaper change to the bathroom visits your seatmates make. If you finish up quickly, they won't even know you changed your baby within inches of where they're sitting. Another tip? Waving around a diaper wipe to use as an on-the-fly air freshener.

Mostly, the expert advice is the same as what any parent could come up with: try for the biggest plane you can possibly book (any semi-nervous flyer already does this), slap on a fresh diaper at the airport, just before boarding, and hope for the best. Of the 40+ separate flights I've taken so far with my two-year old, he's only had a poo blowout once, and that was on a plane that featured a changing table (yay!) but on a day I had neglected to pack extra pants (boo!). It's all, if you'll pardon the expression, a crapshoot. Got any tips of your own for dealing with diapers while flying? Share them in the comments section!

More by this author:

Death by Peanut: Epidemic or Urban Myth?
Is This Baby Obese? Aussie Mom Says No
Baby Nearly Starves to Death, Diluted Formula to Blame
Grandmother’s Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?
Health Scam: Crisis Pregnancy Centers

What Won't Men Do With a Diaper?

JeanneSager — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:31:00 GMT

I'm beginning to wonder if some men just have a diaper fetish.

First it was the guy stealing dirty diapers off porches in upstate New York. Now a Ukranian boxing champ is extolling the use of his son's wet diapers to reduce swelling in his fists.

"Baby wee is good because it's pure, doesn't contain toxins and doesn't smell," Vitali Klitschko told a German newspaper this week. "The nappies hold the liquid and the swelling stays down."

Apparently he's had one knock too many on the noggin.

Let me poke a little at his bubble. I'll do it carefully; I don't need to be "wee'd" on. See, babies are little humans. In other words, he's wrapping his hands in human waste. Doesn't sound quite as nice as baby wee, but what the hey.

Oh, and about those toxins. Apparently he doesn't keep up with the 'Derby. Because Amy gave us the lowdown months ago on all the toxic nasties that have been popping up in baby piss tests of late - think that unpronouncable hot parenting word, phthalates. Considering he got the idea from his Grandma, I guess we can excuse that part. Granny wasn't worrying about phthalates or BPA when she plopped her kids in their lead-painted crib.

Remind me not to shake hands with any boxers from the Ukraine.

Image: DiaperReview

Dirty Diaper Thief on the Loose in Upstate New York

Five-Year-Old Catches STD From Dad's Towel?

Part II: Why Parents of Boys Have It Better (And Why They Don't)

Do Your Kids Go to Camp Grandma As Much as You Did?

Three-Year-Old Romanian Girl Youngest Singer, and She's Cute As All Get Out

Mob Mol Who Smuggled Sperm Says Prison System Hates Her Child for Being Born

Dirty Diaper Thief on the Loose in Upstate New York

JeanneSager — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 18:26:00 GMT

Think your job stinks? How about being the cops on the trail of a dirty diaper thief?

Someone has been snatching sacks of soiled diapers right out from under the noses of the Lerche family in Binghamton, NY for the past six months. They've reported the nappy nabber to the Broome County Sheriff's Office on four separate occasions, the latest last week when a middle-aged white male around 5 foot 7 and driving a Ford pick-up truck made the grab. He placed the poop-filled Pampers right on the front seat before taking off.

The cops say the diapers have no real value (don't tell that to the baby who dropped off a little treasure), so the thief will face only petit larceny charges when caught. But my mind has been racing with questions.

If someone was rescuing you from eau de diaper days before the sanitation truck arrives, would you report the ~~favor~~ crime? How do police approach a nappy napping? Will they call in a dog to sniff out the perpetrator, or perhaps a psychic, the Diaper Genie, maybe? Or are the Lerches in for the flaming bag of poo to end all flaming bags of poo come Halloween night?

Image: ActivelyGreen

Five-Year-Old Catches STD From Dad's Towel?

Mom Bites Kid, Mom Goes to Jail

Texas Judge Orders Woman to Stop Bearing Children

For Dad: How to Beat Up Your Daughter's Boyfriend and Not Get Caught

Bessie Goes to Jail - A Month Before Halloween

Don't Pay Child Support? Bid the Gun Rack Bye Bye

Other uses for diapers: Heroin Hiding!

Brett Singer — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 20:50:00 GMT

Ah, diapers. So useful for so many things. You know, like... well, okay, diapers are really just for keeping the stuff that bounces out of your babies' bodies away from their clothes.

But Frank Keys Jr. is not bound by convention! According to this Associated Press story, Frank was pulled over by state police in New Orleans. After searching the car, drug sniffing dogs discovered something was going on in his pants.

Here's a couple of quotes:

During the pat-down, "officers felt a large hard object in the pants area on Keys," according to a news release from the U.S. Attorney's office.

Out of context, that could be taken the wrong way. Methinks somebody was chuckling when they wrote that press release.

Then there's this:

Keys told officers he was wearing a diaper and when they asked if there was anything in the diaper, he "shook his head affirmatively."

Tell me you haven't had that exact conversation with your toddler.

Of course, there's a key (no pun intended) difference between what's in your kids' diaper and what was in Frank's. The man had "257 grams of heroin" hidden in there. According to this site, one gram goes for approximately $300, or more if it is broken up into milligrams. That means there was at least $80,000 worth of dope in this dope's diaper. Good thing he wasn't wearing one of these.

image: ebaumsworld (note: this image is not a picture of the man with heroin in his diaper)

Baby Boy Codpiece -- With Matching Capes

Madeline Holler — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 13:31:00 GMT

I feel like I'm somehow not allowed to comment on the Weeblock, this super absorbant codpiece meant to prevent little baby boys from peeing all over your face during diaper changes. I'm not allowed because I have girls. But come on, even you parents of boys think these are ever so ridiculous, right?

I mean, props to the dad who saw a problem and come up with a solution, but what am I missing? Wouldn't a washcloth accomplish the same thing, just without all the urination double entendre ("Whiz Kid," "Puttin' on the Spritz") and super-hero references ("Wee Wee Man")? Where's the one with face paint and matching sequin studs spelling "Piss" for fans of Gene Simmons?

The best/most overboard part is that you can purchase it as a part of an entire Parent Protection kit, which includes burp cloths and bibs. Isn't this just inviting an audience into the private affair of diaper changing? If you spent $9.95 on this, you'd surely be tempted to drag out this pee-pee sponge to show friends, who won't care and might be a little grossed out besides.

That said, couldn't you look at that kid in his cape and Weeblock all afternoon?

Worth noting: the arbiters of good baby taste over at Droolicious weren't impressed either. What pissers.

Photo: inventiveparent.com

Dads Choosing the Wrong Doody to Shirk

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 14:29:00 GMT

Dads, listen: Diapers are easy. Even the messy stink bombs. Unclasp, wipe, roll, toss. Done and done. You'd think no one would have to tell you, but it looks like you've been slacking.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer's "working dad" Paul Nyhan reports a survey showing that only 7 percent of stay-at-home moms say dads take the diaper lead when both parents are around. Seriously, this is what you choose to flake on? Diapers?

Changing a diaper -- or nine -- is like getting a hall pass. Change one at 3 a.m. and it's like you get the whole day off. If you slack on changing diapers, you miss out on so many other opportunities to slack off. The equation is simple:

Change a diaper, don't do the dishes.
Change a diaper, don't clean out the diaper pail.
Change a diaper, don't "listen" about her work day. Ugh.
Change a diaper, don't visit the in-laws. (Not you, Marilyn and Duane!)
Change a diaper, don't put the lid down.
Change a diaper, don't even lift it in the first place.
Change a diaper, don't worry about shoving all that "college money" down a g-string.
Change a diaper, and the possibilities are endless.

Sure, But Can You Change a Diaper with Your Feet?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 17:11:00 GMT

I have a lot of skills that I have acquired since becoming a parent. As a parent of twins I have become a master of doing two things at once. I have become ambidextrous. I can multi-task like nobody's business. In fact, right now I am blogging, feeding kids breakfast and watching "Blue's Clues". (Okay, maybe it doesn't take much skill to eat and watch "Blue's Clues" at the same time, but you get my point.)

When I was pregnant with the Goon Squad I was huge. Once I hit about 20 weeks I was unable to bend over at all. This made simple tasks like doing laundry very difficult. I learned how to pick things up with my bare feet. This aptitude came in very handy when the kids were little. You never know when you might be holding two kids at once and somebody might drop a teddy bear.

I am proud of my foot savvy. Or, I was proud of it. I can't do this:

We found this over at Alpha Mummy. The mother in this video blows my mind. I think this is a fantastic illustration of how much parents have to adapt when our children are born.

Strollerderby : diaper

10 Things I Learned about Poop from My Son

Child Raised Worse Than an Animal Gets Happy Ending

My Wife Says: 10 Reasons to Get Plastic Surgery after the Baby - Part 2

5 Lies Women Tell Each Other About Pregnancy

Musical SpongeBob Rectal Thermometer. Fun for Your Kid’s Butt?

The Most Awesomely Epic High School English Paper of All Time

Let's Do the Twist, Baby

Daddy Club Rule: Don't Argue Kids Shows

School to Parents: Donate Toilet Paper

Review: Olivia the Pig Comes to Nickelodeon

Video Baby Poop Advice

Kid Sells Mom's Diamond Ring to Buy Comic Books

Parenting 101: Changing a Baby's Diaper On an Airplane

What Won't Men Do With a Diaper?

Dirty Diaper Thief on the Loose in Upstate New York

Other uses for diapers: Heroin Hiding!

Baby Boy Codpiece -- With Matching Capes

Dads Choosing the Wrong Doody to Shirk

Sure, But Can You Change a Diaper with Your Feet?