Strollerderby : embarrassment

Babble Talk: Anatomy and Physiology

Amy Kuras — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Kids are famous for having no filter and absolutely no shame about discussing, at top volume, the more private aspects of their bodily functions and body parts. My mother still tells a story about me going to a fabric store with her when I was about the age my daughter is now, and wanting to disappear into the floor while I gleefully flipped through pattern books while annoucing "THIS person has a PENIS! This person has a VAGINA!"

So I found the following two entries in "Kids Say the Cutest Things" thoroughly hilarious.

"In trying to adjust pants that were just a little to tight, my six year-old exclaimed, 'These pants are squishing my peanuts!' -- Holden, 6"

and:

"Whenever we pass the bra and panty mannequins in the mall, it's become a habit for my 17 month old daugther to yell 'BOOBIES!!!' Noel, Virginia"

Too funny, if a little mortifying. Maybe I should send that last one to Mom.....

Want to share your own little one's bon mots with the world? Click on over to the link above!

Uncover Your Nipples! 7 Gems from the Mouths of Nursing Toddlers

Miriam Axel-Lute — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Every mother who has nursed past a year has heard someone's opinion that "Once they're old enough to ask for it, they're too old." This is, from health and evolution standpoints, absurd.

But especially in a culture that's still a little iffy on being made too aware of breastfeeding at all, the fact remains that having a verbal nursing kid can lead to some, ahem, interesting moments. They fall into a few key categories:

Baby Talk: Too Much or Too Little

1. "Num-nums!" "Oobies!" "Boob!" "Nu-nu!" There's no better way to realize that you have, despite your pre-parental protestations, incorporated sickeningly cutesy baby talk into your everyday vocabulary than to have it shouted at you in public and realize you're going to have to respond as if those words were language, and possibly even speak them yourself.

2. "Mama snacks!" "Hello nipple!" "Where's your breast?" Or the gourmet who says "Yum!" whenever he passes by the bras at Target. Some toddlers don't just nurse, they are vocal and articulate nursing enthusiasts. Some times so pointed that it's verbal equivalent of saying "damn the discreet cover-up." Which is fine. Except of course it was your kid's choice, not yours.

Your Words Out of Their Mouths

3. Version A: The politeness backfire. "Ask, nurse, please?" says one kid. "Hi. Milk. Smile," said mine for a while, betraying our attempts to explain what, beyond the technical words, constituted asking nicely.
4. Version B: Crossed wires. One mother reports that after training her son out of bad nursing behavior (oh, the dreaded twiddling) by repeatedly telling him he was all done with that, now he asks to nurse by saying hopefully "All done? All done?" (Bet she gets the "He wants to wean and you're not letting him!" treatment.)

The "Other Side" Confusion

4. "Side! I want side!" I thought it was a funny fluke that my daughter's younger friend picked up on her saying "other side" and began calling nursing "side." But apparently he's far from alone. That doesn't mean that anyone hearing will think it makes any sense though.

Parenting Shortcuts Exposed

5. Many of us have tried the squirting-breastmilk-on-an-oozing-eye trick. Whether or not it works, it gave my daughter the idea that she wanted milk squirted on her every injury. Once she got this in her head, a symbolic waving of a bare nipple across the offended limb was placebo enough to make almost anything instantly all better, so I played along out of laziness. Until, that is, I was on the sidewalk with a kid with a scrape who was screaming "Mommmmy! Milk on my knee! No! Milk on my knee!"

The Mini-Domme

6. "I'm going to open you up!" It's one thing to have a kid determinedly lifting your shirt before you've said it's OK. It's another when it comes with a declaration worthy of a TV surgeon. Of course that's better than . . .

7. "Uncover your nipples!" It's not as bad as it sounds, as she usually means it as a contrast to my having drawn the covers up over us in bed for a falling-asleep nurse, but I admit that I'm not-so-secretly hoping this one never leaves the house.

I'm sure I and mothers I heard these from are not alone. What has your nursing Baby Einstein come out with?

(Images were submissions to the Mothering breastfeeding icon contest.)

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Injured for the Holidays: Does This Happen to Your Kid?

Miriam Axel-Lute — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:00:00 GMT

A few hours ago my two-and-a-half year old lost her balance while climbing down out of her high chair (why, oh why, has she stopped doing it backwards? that worked just fine.) and bashed her face on the neighboring kitchen chair. She's OK, but despite prompt application of the chilly bear from the freezer, she's going to have quite a bruise on her cheek.

After the immediate crisis had passed, my wife looked at me and said "It's because we're going to see all the grandparents the day after tomorrow isn't it? I thought the mark where she bit her lip the other night was going to be enough."

See, it's always been this way. My kid is a normal toddler and has her share of bumps and bruises and scrapes. But she's not wildly accident prone. She's not one of those kids who always has a prominent scab or black eye or stitches. No, it's just when the distant relatives are around, or there's some other reason we're about to see lots of people who haven't seen her in a long time, especially if most of them will be armed with cameras. For us, the latter is generally our handful of regular summer music festivals.

Her first ever sidewalk header occurred right before the Old Songs festival. A year later, she had her arm in a cast. I don't even remember the details of last year's winter-holiday visible injuries, but I remember that they occured, like clockwork in the days before, after months of pedestrian "bonks" that disappeared without a trace.

Happily, I don't have a judgmental or overprotective family, but it still feels weird to spend every gathering explaining "What happened to her?!"

Are we unconsciously more distractible right before big events and let things happen we wouldn't otherwise? Or is this just Mr. Murphy and his law, parenting subclause, article 4? Does this happen to you?

Photo by slopjop, via Flickr.

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Top 10 Worst Places for your Child's Tantrum

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:31:00 GMT

Surviving your child's public tantrum is a rite of passage faced by all parents. Whether you a. totally lose it, b. act calm like a zombie, or c. get the screaming child the heck out of there says a lot about your parenting style, but even more about your instincts for survival.

Ever since the cave man gave the first time-out to his screaming toddler, parents have struggled with that ulcer-inducing combination of public humiliation and discipline-as-performance that is the public tantrum.

Here are the worst places for your kid to throw a fit:

1. Grocery Store Line - So many parenting lows and highs occur in the grocery store line, but this one is obvious so let's move on.

2. In-Laws' House - this is one of the most effective places for a child to throw a tantrum, especially if said in-laws are still on the fence about your parenting skills. Many significant glances will be exchanged as you attempt to tame the savage beast.

3. Childless Friend's Home - What would childless friends be good for if not to witness the absolute worst in your children's behavior? Your little angels must sense this, because a quiet peacable day can devolve into a hair-pulling full-throttle scream-fest the second you step into the rarefied world of the childless.

4. Airplane - Say what you will about ill-behaved children but nothing sets off the anxiety alarms in thoughtful parents like their airplane entrapped tantrum-throwing child whose breakdown is matched only by horrors of the evil glances they receive from their seat mates.

5. Auto Mechanic - Another horrid place for a tantrum is somewhere so far beyond the world of little children, they are treated as mythic creatures (unwanted ones) when they do show up, and especially if they squawk or make a scene.

6. Spa - Would you like a screaming banshee with your facial?

7. Designer Shoe Store - As above, no quicker way to get evil glances than for your child to throw a fit in the company of people who are most decidedly child-free for the day or for life.

8. Large Family Social Gathering - This is especially challenging if your kid is the one having the worst time, while your siblings' kids are acting as polite as little angels.

9. At Work - Nothing is as humiliating as your child screaming and carrying on at your workplace, especially if your co-workers mostly know your child as that sweet little cherub smiling in the pictures on your desk.

10. Classical Concert or Church Service - Anywhere people go to find quiet, peace, and meditation. Your child's outburst has the added benefit of reverberating across the high ceilings and raw nerves of the other parishioners.

Any to add?