Strollerderby : friendship

Hint: We Really Might Know Our Kids Better Than You

JeanneSager — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:04:00 GMT

The best part of the latest Non-Breeder column on Babble? The author realizes she was being a bit of a tool.

Not that all "non breeders" are bad people. Far from it. But the expectation that they know better than a parent does how to raise their kids runs high among the kid-free crowd.

And somehow, for all our protestations that we might know our kids a little better than they do, comes the insistence that, hey, you can bring your kid out to the bar at 11 p.m. . . . they'll just sleep in their carrier! Or, in the case of Rachel Odell Walker, the insistence that an eight-month-old belongs on a three mile hike (with a 2,000 foot vertical climb).

I won't rip Walker to shreds, because she does that to herself in her essay. She realized she was a bit of a jerk, and she apologized. It happens to the best of us.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of non-breeders who are still stuck in the first half of Walker's essay. They still think we're staying home with our kids because we're Debbie Downer. As Walker says, "I believed she could reverse her negativity and stop focusing focus on difficult things with a mixture of personal will, therapy, and endorphins."

In a way, you can't blame them. If you don't have kids, you don't think about the money it costs to hire a sitter. You don't have to.

If you don't have kids, you don't think about the aftermath of a night out on the town, of getting up at 5 a.m. with our three-year-old when you didn't crawl into bed until 2 a.m. because the child doesn't understand Mommy wants to sleep. You don't think about the conscious decision to abstain from alcohol because you're breastfeeding.

You don't think about the realities of trying to keep a small child occupied and quiet in a restaurant. Or the fact that that small child has a right to NOT be cooped up in a highchair just because Mommy and Daddy want a night out on the town.

It's why so many of us have lost touch with friends we held near and dear before the baby days. It's important that we as parents respect their lifestyles (don't nag on them for not having kids, for cripes sake, and don't expect them to love, love, love our kids every minute of every day), but it's just as important that they get us.

That they GET that sometimes, it's a lot easier for them to come to OUR houses because we don't have to pack the trunk full of a porta-crib, diaper bag, box of toys, etc. just to have a night out. That we aren't being petulant - just realistic. That kids aren't accessories.

The chief criticism I hear for parents from non-parents is that we change our lives too much after the baby comes along. Yes, we change our lives. But how can we not? Because we are now responsible for someone's entire life. Is there any other responsibility so big? For that matter, would you tell an airplane pilot he's being a big party pooper because he opts out on "the fun" the night before he's supposed to fly a plane full of people's lives?

I'm not asking my friends to make major sacrifices just because I have a kid. They can go out and do their own thing, have their own fun on their time. It's true, I had this child; not them. They don't even have to like my child. But if non-breeders value the person underneath the new parent veil, they will realize, if they want time with us, they need to meet us in the middle.

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Review: My Wubbzy Little Valentine

JeanneSager — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:24:00 GMT

The hottest game on NickJr.com might wow you. It's not Dora. Not Jack and his musical pals.

It's Wubbzy.

With some two hundred sixty million plays, the game featuring the little yellow critter of indeterminate origins (is he animal, mineral, vegetable?) has captured our kids' hearts. Now he's looking to keep those hearts pitter pattering with a DVD release timed for the Valentine's season.

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! A Little Help from My Friends hits stores today, to go along with the recently launched second season of the show. Split into episodes about the value of friendship, it's a movie that highlights just why I've let Wubbzy worm his way into my daughter's heart.

It's creative.

When Wubbzy gets tired of his friends doing everything for him, he decides to bake up a chocolate doodle-berry cake all by himself - only to let things get out of control when he goes hog wild on making it extra fantastic. When the cake batter blows up and out the door and on through Wuzzleberg, buddies Widget and Walden save the day - doing for their little yellow buddy as they always do.

What's going to come next from Widget's tinkering or Walden's scientific explorations is anyone's guess; and the humor that ensues is just right for the pint-sized. Silly, but still sweet, Wubbzy's worth watching so they can learn the value of trying something new and doing it with good friends.

Image: Amazon

Elephant Cares For Injured Dog

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 23:45:00 GMT

It's only fair to warn you that if you watch this video, you are liable to have a cuteness conniption fit. And if you show it to your kids, they are likely to beg you for a trip to the Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee.

That's where Tarra the elephant lives. Recently her best friend Bella suffered a debilitating spinal cord injury. Rather than roaming on the nearly 3,000-acre sanctuary, Tarra stood vigil for three full weeks outside the sanctuary office, where Bella was recuperating. This loyalty is not uncommon in elephants, who typically form lifelong friendships--except that Bella is not an elephant herself. She's a stray dog who lives on the sanctuary.

Perhaps thanks in large part to Tarra's support, Bella is now all healed and once again frolicking alongside her elephant friend and letting Tarra rub her belly with her giant foot.

Photo: CBS, via Jezebel

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Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

JeanneSager — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:27:00 GMT

I have got to hand it to single parents. You have one of the hardest - albeit the best - jobs on the planet.

So when a single parent wants to pour his or her soul out, my shoulder is right here, along with a big box of tissues and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I'd just like a little of the same back from people like Lori Gottlieb.

Gottlieb's essay in this month's Parents "Why You Should Love Your Husband, Faults and All" is supposedly written for all of us gals out there with a partner, who Gottlieb says we just don't appreciate enough. Except Gottlieb apparently doesn't understand relationships - whether they be marriages or simple friendships. You know, give and take. Getting out some of your frustrations so you can come back to the table and build a BETTER relationship.

Gottlieb says she's a very happy single parent, that she's never had one qualm about her choice to become a mom on her own. With my biological clock ticking, I chose to have a baby on my own. No regrets on that score: I was fully aware of the enormity of the challenge I took on and I'm as hopelessly in love with my child as any married mom could be.

I'd believe her, if she didn't go on for paragraph after paragraph explaining why husbands are just so darn great.

Yes, Lori Gottlieb, my husband is my best friend. He's my rock. He's my little girl's incredible daddy. He's also a pain in the ass sometimes.

So am I.

And when we drive each other a little bit nuts (because we are both human, we are living in a crappy economy and we have a three-year-old who likes to crayon on the walls), the beautiful thing is, we have friends who will let us vent a little. We have sounding boards, who send us back to each other with fresh ideas and a renewed sense of why we love each other so darn much, and why that three-year-old is the best thing we have done together, green marks on the wall or no green marks on the wall.

Gottlieb, however, spends her entire essay putting married friends of single moms on notice. Don't come calling, she says, because my life is so much worse. What a great friend.

Is it callous for married friends to call their single mom friends and moan about their spouse? If that single mom just lost her partner to death, yes, it is. If she's just gone through a divorce or the "father" flew the coop before baby was born, yes, you need to wait a little while. The married friends (or those who have some kind of partner in the picture) need to do what friends do. They need to listen, offer encouragement, pop in with a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough.

But the "pity poor me" act only lasts so long. Single parents, you can complain. You can seek help and guidance. You can tell me how much harder it is. I'll believe you. I'll offer to babysit. I'll pick up your kid from nursery school when you're stuck at work and there's no one else there to do it for you. It's part of being your friend.

But if you tell me you won't do the same for me? You're not the friend I want to have around.

Image: Single Mom Seeking (a single mom whose blog makes me WANT to be her friend)

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Are Sex and Marriage Compatible?

Kelly Mills — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 17:02:00 GMT

I generally get irritated by sex and marriage advice, cuz it usually follows the same old lines: Make time for each other. Go on dates. Be open about your desires. Get sexy underwear/dress like a cowgirl/make him give you a (bleugh) sensual massage. Blah blah to the blah. I'm sure these are all fine suggestions (minus the massage) but not exactly revolutionary. And I thought this interview with couples therapist Esther Perel would be more of the same, and there is a bit of that, but she also said one or two things that stood right out.

My favorite? "On some level we trade passion for security, that's trading one illusion for another. It's a matter of degree. We can't live in constant fear, but we can't live without any. The fear of loss is essential to love." Wowsa. You mean we should worry about our partner leaving? Perel says it shouldn't be an obsession, but she's clear that your spouse shouldn't be your best friend, because "Friendship has no tension --- that's the whole point. In desire, there must be some small amount of tension. And that tension comes with the unknown, the unpredictable." You know, I like that.

We seem to think safety and comfort are the goals of a good marriage, but I'm on board with Perel to a certain extent. While it's great to be accepted by your partner, utter confidence they aren't going anywhere isn't sexy or realistic. I've got enough friends. I think what I want in my marriage is something a little different, and something significantly hotter.

What SAHM's Do All Day

Patti — Thu, 24 May 2007 21:02:00 GMT

I read this letter and response from the advice column at the Roanoke Times, and all I could think was "Are we still talking about this?"

I mean, really. Still? In 2007, there are people who are still unable to combine their observations and personal experiences to grasp the concept that stay at home parents aren't just sitting around eating bonbons and watching Oprah all day. There are other people who think working parents can't possibly be good parents. There are people who think a dad can't be as effective as a primary caregiver as a mother, and I've learned my lesson about even contemplating the child-free-versus-childbearing points of view, but those people are all out there sniping at one another too. Still.

I like advicegiver Carolyn Hax's response (especially the part where she suggests the letterwriter is lying about having friends with kids). But the real answer here is to stop worrying so much about other people's choices.

Great. Now I'm craving bonbons.

Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 21:03:00 GMT

When you get married, finding other couples with whom you have great friendship chemistry isn't easy to do. Finding a couple with kids with whom you share laughs, is even harder. I've hosted way too many dinner parties where all the parents sit and talk about their kids and diapers and toilet training and it makes your head hurt after awhile.

But the real issue is a shared approach to parenting and knowing when to cease all kid-speak. If someone talks incessantly about diapers and pee pee, I lose interest quickly. I live in a small town two hours North of Seattle and perhaps that's part of the problem. If you want to discuss the many health attributes of wheat-grass, this city is for you. If you want to meet silly laid back parents who drink (DRINK) in front of their kids, stay away.

Apparently, I'm not alone. Creative-Type Dad discusses the difficulty of finding like-minded parents with whom to socialize. Since he and his wife had their daughter, they still enjoy their kidless friends, but want to meet other parents so they can occasionally talk about kid-stuff without encountering incomprehension and glassy-eyed stares. So he was quite discouraged when his new friends stood he and his wife up at the Baby Loves Disco party in their town.

Chemistry and philosophies of childraising aside, there's also the small matter of being busy and tired and beleaguered, which makes developing friendships even harder. I've become quite used to relying on my virtual friendships to fill the gap, but you simply can't replace the joy of laughing out loud and long with another live human, especially if that person is a parent.

[Picture: Natalie Dee]