Strollerderby : gay parents

Book for Gay Parents' Kids Creates an Uproar

JeanneSager — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:26:00 GMT

I love how Fox News fairly and I dare say balancedly (is that even a word?) laid out the news that there's a new book out there for kids of lesbian moms who used a sperm donor to conceive:

"Gay Sex Education Book Targets Children as Young as 2"

Gets your dander up, doesn't it? Oh my sweet henry, they're trying to teach our two-year-olds to have sex! And not just the missionary position but you know, the naughty, we don't do that in the heartland kind of s-e-x.

Except they're not.

Where Did I Really Come From? was apparently written to help children of gay couples understand the myriad other ways children come into the world other than a man and woman having sex . . . together. The book includes a chapter about surrogacy (with pictures of two gay men holding a child) and another on lesbian moms using a sperm donor.

According to the Australian, there is some discussion of sex - although I'm not sure how graphic (I haven't read the book myself). They cite a chapter that notes: "Sometimes, a woman really wants to have a baby but she doesn't want to have intercourse with a man. Some women want to bring up a baby by themselves, or with another woman, so the baby gets two mums."

Author Narelle Wickham says she was just trying to normalize for kids the different forms of conception, and the stands behind the suggestion that kids as young as two be given the book by their parents.

Many of the "anti" comments, frankly, are bizarre. Here's a taste:

"Let children be children, they do not need to be introduced to sex or alternative lifestyles at a tender age." Well, if this book was purchased by a parent who used a surrogate or a sperm donor (the families it was written for), that introduction came at the very tender age of CONCEPTION folks.

"Another shot at sexualising and brainwahsing youngsters." Yes, it's brainwashing to let them know that gays really exist, and, by the way, Mommy is one of them. And for that matter, so is Mommy!

"I believe young children should be taught about gay and lesbian parents as this will help them identify them when they are older and allow them to stay away from these types of parents." Because the gay and lesbian parents are so desperate for children that they're going to come after them?

"I think any book about this subject shouldn't be targeted at 2 year olds. Do two year olds really need to be told about sex?" That depends - what did you tell your kids when you or your partner got pregnant? I was four when my parents gave me a book about mommies and daddies making a baby in preparation for a new addition to our family. Which means those books have been out there for decades, aimed at toddlers (this one too has been out since 1992, but is all of a sudden back in the spotlight). Because kids as young as two will certainly notice there is a burgeoning belly if there's a pregnancy or notice a new person suddenly arrive in their lives.

But I guess that was OK, according to most of these posters. Because I had a mom and a dad. Although if I'd had a mom and dad using a surrogate, would that have been OK? Or a mom and dad who had to use a sperm donor? An egg donor? IVF? IUI?

This book addresses them all, giving thousands of kids an alternative to that same old "Mommy and Daddy made me" book I read as a kid. Fortunately for their mommies and/or daddies, it's out there for them.

Image: Evolution (where you can buy the book - straight from Australia)

The Literal Cost of Homophobia

Shannon LC Cate — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:50:00 GMT

Instead of "Tea Parties" citizens of Florida worried about the state budget should perhaps be holding pro-gay adoption rallies. According to a new report out from The Williams Institute, at the UCLA School of Law, Florida's gay adoption ban is costing the state at least $3.4 million a year.

The number is based on estimating the savings to the state when children in the state's care (foster children) are adopted, versus remaining in foster care and having new families recruited for them, because their gay foster parents are ineligible to adopt them under the current state law.

Maybe this new evidence will work where children's best interest has failed so far. Hard, cold financial gain might move the stone-hearted in a way the health and well being of some of the state's least "adoptable" children has not.

For more details and a link to the actual report, check out Proud Parenting.

image: Steve Lofton, Roger Croteau and their five foster children, via poz.com

Endangered Species Watch: Parents

JeanneSager — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:28:00 GMT

My fellow parents, I've got bad news: we're officially outnumbered.

The U.S. Census Bureau announced this week that those of us with kids under eighteen living at home is at the lowest number in a decade.

Until the mid-1980s, we were the largest sector of the American population, but the numbers are dipping as baby boomers' kids age out (not necessarily MOVING out) and fertility rates steadily decline. At the latest count, the census counted twenty-five million married couples living with kids, a decline of a million from 2008. It's the lowest the number has gone since 1999.

The numbers only account for married couples - so this doesn't actually mean there are fewer children today. What about all the single parents, the parents living together without a marriage certificate (either because they don't want one or because they're gay)? In fact, the survey specifically left out same sex couples, which is another governmental snub to the non-traditional family.

It did note that of sixty-seven million opposite-sex couples living together, sixty million were married. For a racial break-down, check out the New York Times piece here.

Do you feel like a minority? Or is our family-centered culture keeping the parent power alive?

Image: MentalHealth.org

Is Mandy Moore Being a Homophobe or a Normal Daughter?

JeanneSager — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:59:00 GMT

Divorce is ranked as one of the highest stressors on the family unit, so it's no surprise actress Mandy Moore was upset when her parents' marriage broke up. But now internet reports put the blame on Stacy Moore's decision to leave Don Moore for another woman. Does that really change the way a kid is going to feel when her parents separate?

The twenty-four-year-old actress is reportedly threatening to boycott her own brother's wedding if their mother shows (with or without her new girlfriend). A report in the Star says Mandy "always believed that her mom and dad were happy and that her mom was straight. Now she has no idea what to believe and feels as if she’s been lied to her entire life."

Taking this all with a grain of salt (it is the Star after all), I have to admit I feel bad for Mandy. Studies have shown that whether you're four, fourteen or twenty-four, watching the two people who created you fall apart is jarring - at least in the short term. Although researchers have largely discounted the theory that children of divorced families suffer major long term affects, the immediate feelings have been likened to the emotions we deal with when someone dies. Children feel abandoned when their parents divorce. They feel rejected. That their parents may finally be feeling free and happy - for the first time, perhaps, in their whole life - isn't something kids can look at in the short term.

Kids whose parents have been living life as a heterosexual and suddenly come out of the closet often feel that rejection tenfold. They question how long that parent has been aware of his or her sexuality and whether their conception was the result of a sexual relationship that one parent truly hated. They ponder whether they would have been born if their mom or dad followed their projected path from the get go.

I'm not advocating gay parents remain in the closet by any means. They have the same right to be happy as a straight parent who files for divorce. Part of parenting requires putting a piece of yourself before your kids if only to serve as an example for them of how to live. Coming out allows gay parents say to their kids, "I walk the walk, now listen to me when I tell you to be true to yourself."

Is it unfair to expect sons and daughters like Mandy to put gay rights on the table when they're watching their parents' marriage fall apart? Or do her supposed statements make her out to be a homophobe?

Image: PopCrunch.com

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That Name Is So Gay!

Miriam Axel-Lute — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:31:00 GMT

Choosing a baby name that will not get your child taunted in later life is clearly higher on some parents' priorities than on others'. But certainly when you expect your kids might run into some hard times on the playground for other reasons—such as, for example, their parents are gay—it might jump up a notch or two on the list and start to compete with things like easy to spell and pronounce.

Not, honestly, that I thought about it in those terms when we were picking our daughter's name particularly, but perhaps I should have. Way Out Parent's guide to gay baby naming points out, for example, that naming a girl Billie Jean, shortens to BJ, a fact which will escape no teen boy. Despite what I think of as my innuendo-alert mind, I would not have thought of that one. Guess I'm not a teen boy. Phew.

I'm not sure what I think of all of Way Out parent's advice. I definitely question whether sons of lesbians have a need to be blessed with definitively masculine names more than sons of gay men. (We're talking taunt reducing here, not challenging stereotypes.) And suggesting such a short list of icons to name daughters after seems like, if heeded, would lead to those names starting to (1) be way overused and (2) scream "My parents are gay!"

But perhaps I take this humorous post too seriously. In fact, I almost certainly do. That's what happens when humor hits close to home. But really, any parents who have come to stalemate over their naming choices could use a dose of humor and a break from books full of 15 million inadvisable and outdated names. And maybe a bunch more Ellens and Marlenes in the world wouldn't be such a bad thing.

More from this author:

Arkansas Wants to Look in Potential Foster Parents' Bedrooms

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Arkansas Wants to Look Into Potential Foster Parents' Bedrooms

Miriam Axel-Lute — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Dan Savage has said it (over and over), folks. Straight people should care about the anti-gay crazies not just because they are bigots, but because they don't limit themselves to being anti-gay. That's merely a wedge issue for their bigger anti-sex theocratic agenda, and they're going after "straight rights"—to birth control, cohabitation, divorce, freedom of religion, sex toys, what have you—too.

Just take the ballot measure certified in Arkansas a couple weeks ago. Having suffered a legal setback when a court struck down an administrative regulation prohibiting gays from being foster parents, the fundies did what liberals have yet to master: instead of bowing down and shifting toward the center, they just set their sights higher. This ballot measure would prevent anyone "cohabiting with a sexual partner outside of marriage" from fostering.

Voila! No longer discriminatory on the basis of sexual orientation. Well, not quite so directly at least. Since same-sex marriage is, unsurprisingly, illegal in Arkansas, the burden still falls much more heavily on queer couples, who wouldn't have the option to marry.

Still, now more opposite-sex couples feel what it means to have the government asking about what they do in bed. After all, how will they prove "cohabiting with a sexual partner" without asking unmarried potential foster parents if they are getting it on? What would they do with two people who were living together and swore they were platonic, but wanted to foster together? Come and look for two twin beds in separate rooms? (Probably they would determine, ironically, that if it were platonic that it also wasn't a stable situation.)

Is Arkansas really facing such a glut of potential suitable foster parents that they can impose what is, in essence, a religious screen on who does it? Arkansas Families First argues certainly not. So does a local cartoonist. Just remember, it's all about values.

Related posts:

Gay Foster Father in Florida Gets to Adopt Son—Other Gay Floridians Not Yet So Lucky

More by this author:

That Name Is So Gay

John McCain Doesn't "Believe In" Gay Parents

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 17:16:00 GMT

One would think that John McCain would be the most likely candidate to understand the importance of making unwanted babies into wanted ones, since he and his wife have an adopted daughter. But his support of adoption only goes as far as his ideology—or his political interests—will allow. He recently stated, “I think that we’ve proven that both parents are important in the success of a family so, no, I don't believe in gay adoption.”

I’m so glad that writer Terrence Heath, who recently adopted a baby with his husband, thoroughly took McCain to task so I don’t have to. In an elegant essay on Huffington Post, Heath points to the arguments raised in the California Supreme Court decision to allow same-sex marriage, including the assertion that adoptive parents are just as “adept” at raising children as biological parents—and to argue that gay parents shouldn’t adopt is a slippery slope to being anti-adoption. Heath includes stats from numerous studies showing that gay parents are just as likely as straight parents to raise healthy, happy kids.

Lastly, Heath points to the tragedy of three-year-old Turner Jordan Nelson, whose father killed him by throwing him over a bridge in the midst of a nasty custody battle. According to the thinking of the anti-gay parent faction (including McCain), this father is a “real" parent because he is a straight man who “created” his son through vaginal intercourse, while Heath and his husband, a loving couple committed to always doing what's best for their child, are not.

Fortunately for unwanted babies everywhere, parents like Heath exist whether McCain believes in them or not.

Photo: aglp.org

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2008/07/03/mrs-and-mrs-degeneres-and-a-male-perspective-on-the-name-game.aspx

Trans Community Worries About “Pregnant Man” Bad Press

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 06 May 2008 03:02:00 GMT

When Oprah gets involved, people get famous. And in the case of transgender man Thomas Beattie, the results of this fame are, so far, neither fortune nor glory. Since Beattie first wrote about his unorthodox decision to stop taking testosterone and become pregnant because his wife is unable to carry a child, the media has (unsurprisingly) had a field day with what quickly became dubbed the “pregnant man” story. The Oprah Winfrey Show, the BBC, Good Morning America, and People are only a few of the mainstream outlets to cover Beattie's pregnancy.

According to an update from The Advocate—the LGBT magazine that broke Beattie’s story—not everyone in the transgender community is pleased with Beattie’s decision to go public. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to Beattie, who said that he contacted several transgender organizations before writing a first-person account of his decision to carry a child in The Advocate. Half of the organizations never responded, and most of the others urged him to stay out of the limelight, worrying that publicity would only harm the Beattie family and the transgender community at large.

Specifically, many trans activists worry that Beattie’s unusual story will cause an already less than tolerant public to label all transgender people “freaks” and “disgusting,” two terms that flooded the blogosphere in the wake of Beattie’s story. (The comments on my first article about Beattie’s pregnancy are a case in point.) Even more concerning are fears that this media frenzy could be used to fuel legislation curbing transgender rights, just as many states passed anti-gay marriage legislation after the Massachusetts supreme court upheld gays’ right to marry.

On the other hand, some LGBT activists applaud Beattie’s decision to stretch the limits of the public’s tolerance. As Beattie wrote in the Advocate—and Oprah quoted to a supportive studio audience—“[O]ur situation ultimately will ask everyone to embrace the gamut of human possibility and to define for themselves what is normal.”

While I am supportive of Beattie’s optimism that his story will open the public’s eyes to the many forms a healthy, loving family can take, I fear that this shift in perspective is unlikely to happen fast enough to shield his child from discrimination throughout his or her youth. With many bloggers expressing not only disgust but violent hatred for Beattie and his unborn child, I’m afraid we’ve got a long way to go.

Photo: ABC News

Gay Means Happy When It Comes to Fatherhood

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:25:00 GMT

Gay men—once seen as the paragons of lusty bachelorhood—are now giving a whole new meaning to the term “family values.” As more and more homosexual couples opt for parenthood, it becomes increasingly clear that, for many people, the gay marriage movement is about more than spousal benefits: it’s about loving couples wanting to build families together. In the May issue of Details, writer Edward Lewine examines a movement that has become so popular, it’s earned its own moniker: the gayby boom has arrived.

Though firm numbers are hard to come by, it would be difficult for any member of the gay community to deny the rise in parenting among homosexual male couples. Lewine points to Circle Advocacy in Boston, which matches potential parents with egg donors and surrogate mothers. While the agency worked with almost no gay couples a decade ago, its clientele is now 90 percent gay.

This drastic shift also points to the fact that more and more gay men are opting for in-vitro fertilization or surrogate motherhood, as opposed to adoption. Not only do the former options allow men a genetic link with their children, but they also shield potential parents from the lengthy, emotionally draining adoption process. And since many states don’t allow people who aren’t married to adopt, adoption is not even an option for many gay couples. (And it’s too bad, since taking parentless babies into a loving home is, in my opinion, one of the best things a person can do for the world. Alas, occasionally puritanical legislation does not serve the greater good.)

The gayby boom is not limited to couples, with many single gay men more than willing to pay between $60,000 and $150,000 to becoming doting fathers. (Those numbers reflect the cost of in-vitro fertilization, in which an egg is fertilized in a lab and then placed in the surrogate’s womb; naturally, it’s cheaper to simply give a surrogate a syringe with some sperm in it.) According to Lewine, single parenting is considered "hot" in the gay male community, a sign of assertiveness and the ability to commit. I can think of a few single mamas who are going to pretty jealous when they get wind of this one….

Photo: Details (Ryan Pfluger)

Straight Parents Fear Gay Coaches

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 16:08:00 GMT

Straight parents are a terrified judgmental lot. They often give lip service to being ok with their kids being gay (while hoping otherwise), and they worry about gay people coaching their precious darlings in organized sports, even if their kids are college aged (and theoretically capable of protecting themselves).

Mombian wonders what straight parents are so afraid of...

She refers to a 2003 Washington Post story about coaches swaying girls away from certain college programs by insinuating that the coaches were lesbian (and therefore very very scary).

Mombian suggests the only antidote to this kind of fear mongering is for LGBT people to make themselves more visible and outspoken in their communities --the idea being that once people know someone, they are less likely to fear them.

But I'm not so sure. Ignorance is often completely inured to common sense or facts of any kind. If people really had the facts, the people they'd really fear near their kids would be straight men.

What is Everybody's Problem with Gay Foster Parents?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 20:03:00 GMT

According to The Morning News: The Christian conservative group that successfully led the drive for Arkansas’ constitutional amendment banning gay marriage will push for a ballot initiative to limit who can adopt or foster children in the state.

Are you frigging kidding me? I guess these people didn't read this post. I don't get it. Kids that live in orphanages need foster parents. Who cares who they are sleeping with. Being gay does not make a person a pedophile. It doesn't make them morally corrupt. It does make it more difficult to have a child biologically. So what the hell? Same sex couples and adoption or foster care are a match made in heaven. These kids need parents and these parents need kids.

You don't have to be in total agreement with a person's belief structure to know that they could provide a good home for a child who needs one. I think that putting plugs in your ears to make really big ear holes is crazy, but I don't have a problem with somebody who has those adopting a child.

What I am trying to say is take it easy Arkansas. If you vote against GLBT parents being able to take in foster children or adopting you had better take in some yourself. Somebody needs to.

What Happens to Kids with Gay Parents?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 22:01:00 GMT

I'll tell you what happens to kids with a gay parent or gay parents. I won't even make you skip to the end of this post to find out. They end up exactly like the rest of us. My roommate freshman year in college had (well still has) a gay father. He was just like all the other dads. He called to see how school was, he came up to visit, he took us to dinner and he loved his daughter.

I have other friends with gay parents. I have gay friends that are parents. I can tell you this, most of them don't parent any different than my straight friends. It doesn't matter if their children are from a previous marriage, IVF, adopted or surrogate. Who you sleep with doesn't have any effect on how much you love your kid.

Although there is research being done to find out if there are biological factors that can influence a persons sexual orientation there is no conclusive proof that a child raised by one or more homosexual parents is more likely to be gay themselves.

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That Name Is So Gay!

Arkansas Wants to Look Into Potential Foster Parents' Bedrooms

John McCain Doesn't "Believe In" Gay Parents

Trans Community Worries About “Pregnant Man” Bad Press

Gay Means Happy When It Comes to Fatherhood

Straight Parents Fear Gay Coaches

What is Everybody's Problem with Gay Foster Parents?

What Happens to Kids with Gay Parents?