Strollerderby : greeting cards

Why Doesn't Hallmark Care About Nanas?

Jen Chaney — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 21:28:00 GMT

Christmas is over. The eight days of Hanukkah are about to wind down. But there's still plenty of time to air some Festivus grievances. So here's one from me, which can be summarized thusly: "Hey, Hallmark. WTF?"

No, I'm not mad at the good people at Hallmark because I bought one of these $100 snowglobes that sometimes sets things on fire and had to be recalled. (God knows what it does if you actually dare to shake up one of these overpriced snowmen.) No, my issue has to do with the company's greeting cards.

Specifically, why the hell don't they make more cards for Nanas? They always have more than a few Grandma cards, at Christmas and on other occasions. I even found a decent Granny one for the holidays. But the one and only Nana card I located -- after visiting two Hallmark stores and a CVS that carries Hallmark cards -- appeared to have been written by an overly sentimental 45-year-old woman. Which just doesn't work when the Nana card is supposed to be for your mother, from her two-year-old grandson.

Now, it's not that Hallmark doesn't get specific enough with its cards. On the contrary, I spotted a Christmas card for "a son and daughter-in-law expecting their first child." And there's always my favorite extremely targeted card, the one that says "You're like a mother to me..." I have often considered getting one of those for my mom, if only to time how long it would take before her head exploded.

But back to the Nana situation. I have done no formal surveys on this subject, but I bet if I asked 10 people what their kids call their respective grandmothers, Nana would rank pretty high on the list, probably second to Grandma. So what's up, Hallmark? What, I ask you, is up??

And another thing: where were all the son Christmas cards this year? I saw a couple of cards for daughters that were appropriate for children under 10, but not one -- not a single one -- for a little boy. Were they all sold out? Am I rapidly going blind? Or did Hallmark take the "less is more" route that so many corporations are forced to adopt in this economic climate and not make as many cards this year as in years past?

If this keeps up, I may have to do the unthinkable: Make my own cards.

Image: Scarborough Town Center

Seven Holiday Card-inal Sins

Jen Chaney — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:33:00 GMT

Thanksgiving is behind us, even if the turkey leftovers are not. Now it's time to move on to the next task: sending holiday cards.

Before you start drafting that family Christmas letter and licking all those envelopes, you may want to pause for a moment and read this blog post. In it, you'll find a list of the seven most heinous holiday card sins, a series of yuletide-greeting faux pas that are both egregious and, sadly, very common. Before you embarrass yourself and your children, or potentially alienate friends and family for the entirety of 2009, make sure you don't commit any of the following Christmas card crimes.

1. Do Not Include a Family Photo in Which Everyone is Dressed in the Same Outfit: You are members of a family. You are not a Catholic school, a cheerleading squad or a bridal party. For the love of God, acknowledge that and act accordingly. P.S. That goes triple for anyone even considering dressing their children in the same reindeer sweater.

2. Do Not Brag Excessively About Your Children's Accomplishments: Yes, it's wonderful that 18-month-old Madison can count to 100 in German while standing on her head. And sure, it's impressive that, at the age of five, Wyatt has already read the complete works of Tolstoy. But here's the thing: no one wants to hear that s@*! in their holiday card. So just say the kids are doing well and leave it at that.

3. Do Not Write Freakishly Long Paragraphs About Your Pet: I love animals. I adore my dog. I'll admit to tearing up while reading portions of "Marley and Me." But even I don't want to read a monthly summary of everything that happened to your labradoodle in 2008.

4. Do Not Break News in Your Holiday Card: Here's a pair of sentences your parents do not want to read for the first time when they open your holiday card: "After careful consideration, we have withdrawn Jacob from the Wilshire Academy. We are now homeschooling him so he can focus more time on training to compete in his first ever 'Guitar Hero' battle." Here's another: "Our family has decided to move to Abu Dhabi for an indefinite period of time. Actually, we haven't just decided; we're already there." News should never be broken in a holiday card, at least not one that gets delivered to close family members and friends.

5. Do Not Forget to Send the Holiday Card to Certain Relatives, Especially the Year After Having Your First Child: It's an honest mistake. Anyone could make it. But that won't matter to your Aunt Phoebe, who will repeatedly point out that she didn't get a copy of that adorable photograph of Fiona with that sweet ribbon in her hair even though everyone else in the family did. Still, she knows this was probably a simple error even though the same exact thing happened back in 1974 when cousin Marjorie didn't send a Christmas card the year after little Tommy was born, so could it really have been an accidental oversight or is the entire family conspiring against her as she has suspected ever since the Rump Roast Incident of '65 and don't play dumb because you know exactly which one she means?

6. Do Not Go Into Excessive Detail About Your Pregnancy: This may go without saying, but the words "happy holidays" and "gestatational diabetes" should never be used in the same sentence. Neither should "merry Christmas" and "mucus plug." Keep the specifics to yourself. And if you really can't help it, at least have the sense to delete all those details from the copy of the Christmas letter that goes to your best friend from college with fertility issues. Honestly, that's just rude.

7.Do Not Get Too Cutesy With the Kid Pictures: Clearly this is a subjective area. One person's "totally adorable" is another person's "downright nauseating." So do your best to use good judgment. And remember this important tip: If your child is dressed in a Tweety costume and holding a sign that says "I tawt I taw a mewwy Chwistmas," um, yeah. That's wayyyy too cute.

Image: The Fun Times Guide

Top Five Things You Don't Want to Read in a Mother's Day Card

Jen Chaney — Thu, 08 May 2008 12:32:00 GMT

Come Sunday, most of us will receive the standard Mother's Day sentiments, pre-printed by the good people at Hallmark. Our children will hand us a card that says some nice but generic stuff about how we brighten their lives simply by being their mommy. The words will be lovely and sweet and forgettable.

But what would happen if the kids got seriously blunt in their holiday greetings? We might not like what we hear but we mos def wouldn't forget it. With that in mind, here are the Top Five Things You Don't Want to Read in a Mother's Day Card:

Front of card: "I look at moms like Angelina Jolie and I am so happy you are my mother."

Inside card: "I mean, if you were even close to being that attractive, it would take away far too much attention from me."

Front of card: "Know who's a better mom than you?"

Inside card: "Every mother within a 40-mile radius, including that weird lady down the street who encouraged her 5-year-old to watch 'Hostel: Part II.'"

Front of card: "I love you, Mommy. Daddy helped me pick out a present. He said it was something you do not have."

Inside of card: "Hope you like pink eye."

Front of card: "Every day I know I am blessed to call you my mom..."

Inside of card: "...because you're so out to lunch you don't even realize how much vodka is missing from the liquor cabinet."

Front of card: "Remember the other day when you asked why I call you bad names like donkey butt and refuse to clean up my toys?"

Inside of card: "It's because you fed me formula."

Photo: Lifesizegreetings.com