Strollerderby : helicopter parents

Is It OK to Hate Your Kid's Sport?

Miriam Axel-Lute — Thu, 28 May 2009 15:30:00 GMT

Don't mess with the soccer moms. It might be a bit of a hackneyed sentiment in this post-Palin era, but as Sarah Rain from Delmar, NY, found out when she wrote a post titled "At Least It's Only 8 Weeks Long" on the local paper's blog for her town discussing her dislike of soccer season, the vicious soccer mom isn't gone.

You'd think from the vituperative comments that she'd said she hated her kid or couldn't be bothered to want to do anything with him at all. What she actually said, quite clearly, is that she believes that kids develop better social skills and autonomy from informal pick-up games, but since that's not really happening for her son she's dragging herself through soccer season because she thinks the benefits outweigh the costs, though all the while she's quietly hoping he doesn't fall in love with the sport.

"Mustering up the interest in something your child does is a challenge? How self absorbed can one person be?" writes one person, deriding informal games as "a can babysitting your child."

"The writer’s desire for 'informal games with their friends' means 'I don’t have to be there' . . . they are only young and “ours” for too short a period of time . . . relish the moment!" writes another. (Or, you know, she could actually believe that informal games and time not being hovered over by adults are better for children's development, an argument that has a lot going for it and is distinctly less selfish than trying to soak up the time kids are "ours".)

Another rhapsodizes about how much she loves dragging herself out of bed on Saturday mornings to pack snacks for games, clearly implying that this is the proper attitude of motherhood.

I happen to know that the writer was much amused by all the kerfuffle (and probably courted it on purpose), but what she wrote was hardly extreme. If these are the attitudes of the people she has to hang out with when her son's at soccer practice, I don't wonder that she dreads it. Is this level of martyrdom-to-the-planned-activity-gods attitude really so pervasive? It makes me scared to consider organized sports for my kids.

Photo CC by Chip Griffin via Flickr.

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Congress: End Amber Alerts by 2010, MicroChip Newborns

JeanneSager — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:26:00 GMT

After news that an Amber Alert was cancelled last week when a missing child miraculously walked in her front door, is it any surprise that Congress is taking seriously the toll that helicopter parents are putting on law enforcement with their overreactions?

Congress has put out the call for all newborns born in American hospitals to be microchipped, beginning July 1, 2010. The simple process can be done in the hospital nursery by pediatricians, who will then log the newborn's vital statistics into a national database linked to the FBI for all law enforcement to access. When an officer encounters a child, he will be able to use a scanner to immediately determine if this is the missing child in question.

Funds to outfit the hospitals with the proper equipment, similar to those used in most veterinary offices, and to provide police with scanners will come from President Obama's latest stimulus bill.

Children born before that date are grandfathered - so to speak - but parents will have the option of taking their children to their local hospitals to have the chips implanted just under the skin in a quick outpatient procedure. The chips will be placed near the shoulder for easy access by the scanners, but because of their very small size, there should be no lasting scars on a child's skin.

Will you be taking Junior in?

Image: Zazzle

'Expert' Exhorts You to Hurry Up and Have Kids Already

Amy Kuras — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Would-be parents! Have you had the temerity to get an education, work on your career, and develop and refine your relationship with a partner before getting down to baby-havin’? Maybe the tanking economy is changing your plans?

Then you, my friends, are responsible for six “dominoes” that lead to terrible, if vague, societal costs according to a press release from Dr. Alan Singer. His take is that delaying childbirth is BAD and will mean BAD THINGS and some people might not get to be GRANDPARENTS if you don’t start pushing out heirs RIGHT. NOW!

If I just channeled your mother there, I’m sorry. On many levels.

Singer is a self-styled “family size expert” who writes a blog mostly devoted to exhorting people to not delay childbearing, no matter what. The dominoes he refers to are thus: delayed marriage, delayed childbearing, augmented infertility, elevated multiple births, increased rates of pre-term births and caesarian sections.

His main piece of advice is that parents should “encourage” their adult children to get themselves good and knocked up, even going so far as to suggest they offer financial support to talk them into doing so. Not surprisingly, he also thinks helicopter parenting is A-OK.

Okay, I can acknowledge he has a bit of a point – it is a good idea to start sooner rather than later, if your life works out that way. But what Singer and others like him don't get is that for many of us, life just doesn’t. I didn’t marry until I was 30, which put me right about in the middle of my circle of friends age-wise. Not to mention that the two leading causes of female infertility, endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS, are not age linked. I have PCOS and would have been just as infertile at 21 as I was at 31 – and personally, I would have been a considerably worse mother.

And if my parents had dared to start rattling the grandchildren cage? Would NOT have been pretty.

Mom Won't Let Eighteen-Year-Old on Myspace, So He Stabs Her

JeanneSager — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:26:00 GMT

Shelley Sue Pangle might want to pick her battles next time. The Iowa mom told her six-foot-two, three hundred twenty pound son he couldn't use Myspace anymore. Then she tried to confiscate his cell phone charger. Now she says the eighteen-year-old stabbed her. Can you blame him?

Before you get all horrified, don't worry. Pangle is fine. The "stabbing" was a cut on her wrist. Her son, Terry Gene Starnes, was arrested on charges of aggravated assault after police picked him up, riding his bicycle to get away from Momma Lift, er, Pangle. When she'd banned him from Myspace, the Associated Press reports Starnes became agitated started packing his bags to leave. She was trying to take the charger when police say he pulled a knife from his pocket and cut her. Then he took off on his bike.

What part of "he's eighteen," did this lady not understand? Banning him from Myspace? Taking his cell phone charger? Not letting him pack his bags? He's a big boy - in more ways than one (no dig at his weight intended, but it would make me think twice about messing with him). Is this taking parenting too far?

Image: Myspace

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Just Another Reason Helicopter Parents Need to Back Off

JeanneSager — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 14:33:00 GMT

So your kid is a bit obsessive about his piano, wipes the thing down with furniture polish twice a day and won't let the dog breathe on it? Hate to break it to you (or do I?), but you might want to take a look in the mirror.

Researchers at the University of Montreal found the more controlling parents are, the harder it is for kids to develop a "harmonious passion for their favorite activity." Yeah, you ruined it for them.

The study of 588 kids ages 6 to 38 was recently published in the Journal of Personality, and it adds weight to the warning that helicopter parenting may not be the best way to raise well-rounded children. Anal and obsessed kids, yes, well-rounded, no. The researcher found "children raised by strict parents are often moody, unhappy, fearful, and irritable. "

Those forced to take part in an activity (be it sports, a musical instrument or even joining a club) against their will have a harder time separating from it as an adults. "The child learns that by obeying their parents they will be loved,” says Lead researcher Genevieve Mageau. “The risk is that as adults they continue to pursue the activity to maintain their self-esteem.”

I was glad to see this kind of news coming out because so often parents insist that they're just trying to make sure their kids have the best of everything. But when every single trip to ballet class is a screaming match, when not a single soccer game can pass without their kid bursting into tears, some parents have to realize what's "best" isn't necessarily giving them waht you didn't have. Kids should certainly be pushed a little when they're younger to "at least give it a try," but there's no shame in letting a miserable child quit an activity. Making them "tough it out" doesn't always make them stronger people. Sometimes it just makes them unhappier ones.

Image: Sabri Hakim

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Young, Alone, and Riding the Subway

Madeline Holler — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Do you let your child ride subways alone?

I wish my answer was yes. I wish my daughter did something -- anything! -- alone in the outside world, but she doesn't. And I'm more than willing to accept that it's because of me and her father. We're those parents and chances are you're one too.

Which is why I love this story of a NYC mom who dropped her 9-year-old son off somewhere in the city, gave him twenty bucks, a Metro card and some quarters and let him find his own way home. It was his idea. And he loved it!

Of course, I'm not surprised at the fallout either: she says about half the people she tells think she should be turned in for child abuse.

What do you think? Here's a great history of overprotective parenting. Seems is started in the 1920s, when kids stopped working, by and large, in factories. Yet that doesn't explain the 1970s, where my sister and I were quite free to run around, a ton, unsupervised, for hours. And you probably were too.

Anybody have a middle ground? How much freedom do you give (or expect to give) your kids? What eyebrow-raising things do you let your kids do alone?

Photo: lifelikepundits.com

5 Ways to Stop Hovering

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 15:31:00 GMT

As parents, some of us need to chill. That's obvious. We're a fretty worried group, but it is patently unhelpful to just keep calling us "Helicopter Parents" and advising us to get a grip.

Finally someone has a few ideas about how to curtail the hovering and worry that appear to be grounded and practical. From an upcoming book "Nation of Wimps," by Hara Estroff Marano.

5 Ways to Stop Hovering:

1. Let other people care for your children -- don't be his or her only source of comfort

2. Help children get motivated by not rescuing them at every turn. If an older child forgets homework, don't rush to drive it to school. Let him or her experience the natural consequences of that forgetfulness.

3. Rather than scolding and shaming ask if the child got the outcome she desired by the particular behavior.

4. Let the kids play on the playground without interfering and micromanaging

5. Ease up on the sanitizing gels, the special shopping cart inserts, and every little thing to create a barrier between your child and the world.

Finally a book that sounds common sense and might help parents relax and enjoy raising kids a little more. For more on the book, go here.

[Photo Credit: www.thetartan.org]

Helicopter Parenting Might be Good for Kids After All

Karen Murphy — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 18:09:00 GMT

Okay, all you hovering over-protective parents out there...relax. You don't have to change, at least not for me (you never have to change baby, I love you juuuust the way you are, can I sing you a little song now about that? "Don't go changin'...to try to please me...."). But yeah, if you're still cutting up your kid's meat when he's going off to college, don't worry. He'll be totally okay. More than okay, in fact.

Yep, now they say that kids of helicopter parents thrive. So tighten up those apron strings a bit and let's talk about why:

Kids of helicoptering parents were said to "report higher satisfaction, more deep learning activities and greater gains on desired outcomes such as learning on their own and learning to work with people from different backgrounds." Yay for the parents! These are the folks who are in frequent contact with their kids, mostly via email and texting, less often by phone or face-to-face. It seems to me this is simply a throwback to an earlier time when multiple generations stayed in contact by sharing the same house. Not that I am in any way suggesting you encourage your kids to live with you while they go to college (though who knows, that may be the best option for all of you at that point).

I do have to give you the rest of the findings, though, in which oddly, those kids whose parents were in frequent contact had slightly worse grades than did the kids whose parents ~~didn't care about them~~ had less contact with them. Were talking only slightly, however, a difference of a GPA of 3.21 vs 3.31. Which should only make a difference to the most anal.

When I was in college? I think I talked to my parents, by phone, about once a month. In the days before email. Write a letter? Are you kidding? And I never went home. And look how I turned out!

Make Your Kid a Millionaire

Karen Murphy — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 18:17:00 GMT

Remember that annoying commercial for almonds? "Just a can a week, that's all we ask." See, you remember it, don't you? Annoying as hell, but it brings home an important element in basic economics: dollar cost averaging.

And by investing a mere $30 a month, you can dollar-cost-average your way to creating a millionaire. Someday, anyway. Start now, though, because it'll take a little while:

56 years, to be exact.

And not that you'd continue to invest for your kid after he's out of the house (or would you, you helicopter parent, you?). But what if you invested $50 a month? At a 10% rate of return, the historical average for the stock market, you'd still amass a sizable nest egg for your kid even by age 21.

It sounds doable when you put it that way doesn't it? You have $50 a month to spare, don't you? That's about 2 lattes a week.

Check out these DRIP (dividend reinvestment plan) ideas. There's a bunch of places that accept small deposits, and before you know it, that monthly small deposit will really add up while at the same time teaching your kid the value of saving.

Royal Society for Prevention of Accidents Says Scrapes and Scratches Good For Kids, and They Should Know

Alisyn — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 13:09:00 GMT

One of my favorite parenting blogs recently pointed out that "it's pretty amazing to hear a government official -- even across the pond" say that "by scraping knees, grazing elbows and getting bruises, children learn 'valuable lifelong lessons' that will help them to avoid more serious injuries in later life."

I couldn't agree more - it is amazing! In an age where helicopter parenting and over-scheduling are rampant, people need to hear that "children can learn valuable lifelong lessons, particularly about risks and how to deal with them, from playing in the natural environment, and that parents have to accept that their children may get injured. Bumps, bruises and grazes are not serious injuries and are part of growing up.”

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents and Research for the Children recognize that though it may be difficult for parents "When children are able to interact with the world around them, they learn to push their boundaries and develop their assessment skills – rarely, for example, will children climb above where they feel comfortable."

I try my best to balance my own over-protective instincts with what I like to call "benign neglect:" that is, I try not to interfere when I see my kids doing something that may result in a small bump or bruise, but also may boost their self-confidence (crossing the "big kid" monkey bars alone is good!), or may teach a valuable lesson (walking in front of the swings is bad). Next time someone points out that my 2-year-old is about to jump off the top of the climing structure, I'll just refer them to this article, and kiss the boo-boos as need be, secure in the knowledge that she learned something from her choice.

Raising a "Better" Only Child

Karen Murphy — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 13:06:00 GMT

Semi-self-appointed parenting guru Marilyn Heins offers some thoughts recently on raising sibling-free children. I was a little skeptical about this at first, but then got to thinking about it. Essentially, she claims that only children tend to be quite self-reliant, except when the parents (she blames mothers specifically, which makes me want to mock her oversized glasses) spend "too much time" with the child, getting "too attached" and "too involved" with the child.

Which means that you are officially liberated from being required to sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" over and over forty gaziliion times or sitting down over a nice cup of pretend tea in front of "Blues Clues". And you are practically being encouraged to hire a babysitter while you take long solo baths or ~~waste time~~ work at your laptop! I am finding this positively intoxicating!

Like everything, though, I suppose there needs to be balance. It irks me that there seems to be an underlying message here to parents of only children, implying that they tend to over-parent. I think we all make choices based on what we feel is right for our children and what also works with our particular family dynamic.

But go have that bath anyway. It'll do you both good.

Keeping Babies in Bubbles: Where Do You Draw the Line?

Karen Murphy — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 11:33:00 GMT

After I was done laughing at the inanity of yet another product designed to keep babies "safe" from every possible harm that may befall them, I got to thinking about the entire concept. Sure, babyproofing your house only makes sense, and we all should remove the obvious hazards. But when does over-babyproofing begin to act as a substitute for real supervision?

Seriously, I think that an ugly-as-hell $69.95 foam piece to cover the fireplace hearth is, well, ridiculous. Statistically, how many babies actually fall and hurt themselves on a fireplace hearth? And more importantly, is it really possible to protect our children from every potential hazard or harm? I would think that you could easily drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate simply everything.

Maybe someone should just make a foam thing that covers the baby instead. Seriously, where do you draw the line with this? Is this how helicopter parents are made? What's the difference between playing it safe and being overzealous?

Helicopter Parents Most Likely to be Mothers

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 16:52:00 GMT

Helicopter parents are most likely to be mothers over-protecting sons, according to a new study. Hyper-vigilant parenting also crosses ethnic and racial lines as well as socioeconomic classes. Helicoptering is apparently an equal opportunity affliction.

The study, conducted at the University of Texas-Austin addresses patterns of parental over-involvement that extended well into kid's college years. Of course, hyper-involvement is in the eye of the beholder. For some parents, protecting their kids (at whatever age) is not something to be overdone.

Nevertheless, it is established that over-protectiveness can cause stress for kids and adults and just isn't much fun for anyone at all. On the other hand, neglect seems far worse.

Child's Trauma Impacts Parental Health

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 16:16:00 GMT

Have you ever felt your stomach tighten when your baby falls and hits her head? Have you raced in to comfort when your toddler cries over a toy? You may be a helicopter parent, or you just be a normal and semi-worried like everyone else. Either way, the empathic connection between parents and their children is supported by recent findings that indicate parents of children who experience trauma can themselves face serious associated health impacts such as hypertension and stress-related illnesses.

In 2001, 350 adolescents were involved in a New Year's Eve pub fire in the Netherlands that resulted in the injury of 200 and death of 14 teens. The study measured the impact of the stress of caring for ill children on the parents and family members of the victims as compared to the family member's health prior to the incident.

The fact that parents suffer when their children suffer isn't news. But the extent of the impact of this suffering on the long-term health of parents is fascinating.

Helicopter Parents Need to Chill

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 23:00:00 GMT

Helicopter parents -- those over-worried people who believe their children require assistance with every little task -- are being advised to ease up. There is plenty to be afraid of these days and it is understandable that a natural inclination to protect might easily become hovering.

But what is the difference between proper protection and attending to the needs of your children and training stressed out Little Freaks of Capitalism?

I think it's time to re-institute healthy neglect -- leaving your children to their own devices. A little more "Go outside and play!" and less "Would you like to build a radio transmitter with Daddy?"

I think it is quite likely that children allowed the freedom to play with low-tech toys, relax and do nothing, and left free of the flashcards, language and dance lessons and sideline instructions from tight-lipped parents, might in the end find out that freedom and creativity are more satisfying than preschool at Harvard.