Strollerderby : hot mamas

You Too Can Be Barbie's Mama: MILPH World Wants Your Body

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 19:49:00 GMT

Yesterday this website was criticized for surrendering Mama to the frump. Today it's another site, but with the opposite problem. MILPH World encourages mamas to find their inner ~~porn stars~~ sex kittens and let loose with serious grown-up Barbie bikini posing. If you're a website or an organization that is encouraging mamas to look one way or the other (either by default or by intention) the bottom line is you just can't win.

MILPH (Mothers in LIfe Passion, and Health) World, is a whole world of post-feminist regression. You too can be sexy! After! Kids! And oh by the way, please be a size 2 and have nice perky implants. MILPH World is hosting an ongoing contest the winner of which wins a free makeover and beauty treatment Hollywood Style. I double-dog dare you to enter.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just jealous. You know how catty women can be.

Suburban MILF Pole Dance Parties

Kelly Mills — Thu, 31 May 2007 12:03:00 GMT

Gawker pointed us to the Today Show segment on suburban moms getting together and having stripper pole dance parties. Because that's soooo newsworthy. Next week Ann Curry will be covering SAHMs who sometimes kiss each other on the lips. This piece featured some ladies gathering together, having a couple glasses of wine, and then making name tags with their stripper names. Sticky tags, as in, "Hi, my name is Candi." Hint for the moms: those name tags aren't very stripper. But neither is the name one woman chose- Tootsie. That's like being Cuddles the Stripper.

I'm sure you can imagine the rest. Some women in mom jeans and feather boas making tense whooping sounds and writhing around on a living room stripper pole with really bad music playing in the background. I've already made it sound way more titillating than it actually is. You go girl.

You know, I like the "my identity doesn't stop at being a mom" thing, but so much of this hot mama, MILF-y, stripper-pole, sex-toy-party, desperate housewives, naughty mommy extravaganza is Just. Trying. Too. Hard. Why worry about proving your hotness to anyone? It's unsexy to be constantly screaming "Look at me! Babies came out of me but I'm still sexy!" Pole dancing = fine, whatevs, who cares; pole dancing on the Today Show = I'm over it. Moms can be libidinous and attractive but we do not have to flash our tits like Girls Gone Wild to demonstrate it. Unless, of course, we're nursing.

Former Cranberries Lead Rocks Out with Kids and ... Knits?

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 14 May 2007 12:03:00 GMT

When I was in high school, I was in love with the Cranberries. Sure, the lead singer, Dolores O'Riordan, sported a shaved head and sang something about zombies, but she just had a certain something about her.

Now, she's got a four certain somethings about her. As in children. And she's cooler than ever. Turns out Dolores took time off from making crappy albums in the Cranberries later years to raise a family and do what all other rock stars like to do: knit.

The San Francisco Chronicle's kick-ass music critic, and fellow Poop writer, Aidin Vaziri interviewed the former Cranberries front woman about life on the road, her four kids and how she manages to still be awesome.

Or as Aidin put it: "It doesn't look like a bunch of kids came out of you."

Angelina Jolie Voted Hottest Mom by Deluded Women Everywhere

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 15:01:00 GMT

Beer tastes good. My kid is the cutest kid. Ever. And "dad's night out" does not in any way involve strippers. In other news, Angelina Jolie was voted hottest mom.

Women's Day Magazine surveyed 1,000 women who had nothing better to do, and they chose Angelina Jolie as the hottest mom out there -- right in front of Kelly Ripa (those voters must be deaf), Jennifer Garner, Brooke Shields and Gwen Stefani.

Cleary these women are deluded. Trust me, Angelina Jolie will not take your child off your hands. Not even to babysit. Believe me, I've tried. She's only interested in the kids Madonna left behind.

As for dads, I was for one reason or another left off the list. *Stupid Johnny Depp.*

Mama Time: Helping You Take the Time to be Fabulous

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 20:19:00 GMT

Welcome to another new Stroller Derby feature and just in time for Mother's Day: Mama Time. Every week we'll dish about ways for mamas (& papas) to have more fun, take better care of themselves, and keep their groove groovin'.

This Week: Budget Pedicures

While most of us can agree that nice spa pedicures are relaxing and enjoyable, they are often prohibitively expensive. Enter the budget pedicure storefronts popping up all across America in strip malls and downtown areas. Usually, you can get a pedicure here (a "spa pedicure" even) for under $35. As summer sandal season nears (thank the goddess!!), your toes might need a little polish, trim, and buff.

Of course, another option is to do your own home pedicure. If you can lock your door against the grasping hoards and hide away somewhere, this can be your best option. The Budget Fashionista has some great tips for home pedicures and manicures, including properly soaking your feet, using a pumice stone to smooth rough skin, and of course buying emery boards to file those nails. Now go forth and paint those piggies, ladies!

[Photo Credit: Irving Penn]

5 Movies To Make Mama Hot

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 00:19:00 GMT

Are you a parent not getting enough loving? You're not alone. Get about three drinks into any cocktail party (especially if men and women are in different rooms) and the talk will quickly turn to sex: He wants it, she doesn't. She longs for it, but can't muster the energy after a long day of mothering or working and mothering.

Fights over differing level of desire seem to heat up after having kids, when there is less of everything to go around, especially sleep. And while on-line enterprises such as Babes in Toyland and Good Vibrations hock clever wares to address problems plaguing dull bedrooms everywhere, until they sell "Sleep in a Box" or "Daddy's Foreplay Kit: Do the Dishes" another pair of handcuffs and a leather thong won't solve the problem.

There are plenty of mamas who are just fine, thank you very much. But for those who are too tired and resentful to bring back that loving feeling, here are some flicks that might help. Whether you're a sex-starved angry kitten or a hide-away Jane Austen dreaming of your Darcy, these 5 movies will definitely put you in the mood (especially if he cooks dinner and gives you a foot massage while you watch).

1. Casino Royale. Daniel Craig in a swimsuit. Daniel Craig in another swimsuit. Daniel Craig with his shirt off. Daniel Craig cuddling her in the shower and Sucking. Her. Fingers.

2. Gladiator. The testosterone can be licked off the screen as Russell Crowe in all his buff glory fights and yells through scene after scene wearing a suit of armor. The big manly arms, the booming voice, the unfulfilled tenderness and heartache. Somebody bring me some water!!

3. Fight Club. Again with the testosterone. Even though Brad is a tad slim for my taste (I want the beef!), he is so gorgeous and perfect as he pummels the crap out of his opponents, it makes a girl weak in the knees.

4. 8 Mile. The totally untruthful tale about Eminem's youthful travails. But those eyes and that body. Somebody needs a spanking! Nevermind the bad sex in the factory, at least it was sensitively delivered (he looked into her eyes the entire 5 minutes).

5. Pride & Prejudice. The one filmed in 1995, not the nonsense with Keira Knightley. Only the Brits can do Austen justice. There is simply nothing more delicious than Colin Firth in all his snooty remove and overcoat begging for Elizabeth Bennett's hand in marriage (which she haughtily refuses). Colin, you make a girl swoon.

No sex life can withstand the power of these movies to recharge the tired old love batteries.

MILF: Mothers I'd Like to beFriend

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 23:00:00 GMT

MILF**, the term, is hotly debated and much Googled. MILF is something many mothers aspire to -- there is even a gameshow/contest for hot moms-- and represents the desire for women to remain attractive once they have kids (and get fluffy).

What is one to make of the phenomena?

Let's start from the beginning. MILF was a term that originated in the dubiously popular but amusing 1999 film "American Pie." Jennifer Coolige (pictured at right) played the original MILF. For the uninitiated, she was "Stifler's Mom" and got hot and heavy (deep and real) with one of the teenagers who was friends with her son. Nevermind that he was the one with "issues " about using public toilets, the shocking (shocking!!) part was that his 18 year old self found her 35-40 year old person quite hot and freak-worthy.

Many people believe that by agreeing to a term like MILF a woman is buying into sexual objectification and setting back the feminist movement by about 800 years. Still others, like me, think it's just a funny way to shorthand a discussion about how to be hot and be a mom.

If you want to debate the issue, check out Motherhood Uncensored's Podcast on the topic tonight. Stuntmother and I will be her guests.

**not to be mistaken for the Moro Islamic Liberation Front in Southern Philippines.