Strollerderby : joint custody

Court Bans Divorced Mom's Partner from Sleeping Over

JeanneSager — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 17:01:00 GMT

Proving once again that what's good for the gander isn't necessarily going to be allowed by homophobic family court judges for the goose, a divorced mom from Tennessee has been informed she can't allow her lesbian partner to sleep over on the same nights as her kids.

Her ex-husband, meanwhile, has remarried and his wife sleeps over - well, lives - with him every night.

Angel Chandler and Joseph Barker have been divorced for ten years, and shared custody of their two kids (now thirteen and fifteen) that whole time. They've both entered new relationships too, Barker remarrying five years ago while Chandler has maintained a monogamous relationship with a woman since 1999. But when they went to court late last year to modify the custody arrangements, the State of Tennessee sent both parents and both kids for psychological work-ups.

The evaluation determined Chandler's partner was a positive influence on her two kids. The court ignored it. A "paramour" restriction was added to the custody arrangements earlier this year, restricting Chandler's partner from being in their home on the nights when the kids were with Mom. Because after nine years, suddenly a set of teenagers are going to be shocked to find out Mom's a lesbian?

The women are now living in a duplex, side by side, so they can abide by court rules and still be together - sort of. The ACLU has stepped into the fray, filing a brief this week that urges the court to remove the paramour restriction, calling it unconstitutional for interfering with Chandler's abilities to raise her children as she sees fit.

If the court really wants to do what's best for the kids, how about allowing two sets of parents to get on with their lives in loving relationships and letting those kids see examples on both sides of happy, committed, successful couples?

Image: Amazon

Source: ACLU

Teen Has Cancer and Lives in a Car

Man Says Drinking Breastmilk Cured His Cancer

Principal Censors Pro-Gay School Paper

Parents Upset: Transgender Kids Use Different School Bathrooms

Mommy and Mama Now Legal in New York

More Parents Leaving Kids Alone to Save on Daycare

"GI Baby" Finally Meeting Dad After Sixty-Three Years

JeanneSager — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 21:32:00 GMT

Sixty-three years and an ocean separate them, but the English daughter of an American GI is finally going to meet her dad.

Heather Pearson was one of the tens of thousands of babies born to American soldiers serving overseas during World War II. Her mother was swept up in a whirlwind courtship with Private George Rish, married in March 1944 and became pregnant with Heather. Then Rish was called up to the front lines.

When the war ended, he called for his wife to join him in America, but passions had cooled. Heather's mom, Mary, decided to stay put in England. The couple divorced, and agreed not to contact each other again. You've got to hand it to them, they handled themselves with a lot more grace and decorum than Madonna and Guy. But what about their daughter?

Heather grew up with her mom, stepfather and a host of half-siblings. Her only link to her father was a faded black and white wedding photograph until an American cousin contacted her over the summer. The cousin, Dena, said her mother was George Rish's sister. Her mom had been looking for George's daughter for years, and when she died, Dena took up the cause. Rish, who is now 87, says he didn't have the resources to look for his daughter. Remarried after he returned from the war, he adopted a daughter with his second wife. Like Heather's mom, he made a new life.

Heather says she doesn't have any problems with that, never even really thought about her "real" dad until her own husband passed away. With her two children grown and parents themselves, she started to feel lonely. She made a few failed attempts at searching for her father on the internet, but came up short until Dena bridge the gap across the pond. She'll fly to the states next week to meet her dad. In the days leading up to the trip, she told the London Daily Mail she's both excited and overwhelmed.

It's one of those "wow, the wonders of the internet" stories, and one with a happy ending. Still, I'm a little sad for Heather. Her parents' dying flame kept her from ever knowing a part of herself. Joint custody battles are rough, but there's a reason they happen every day. Back in those days intercontinental flights were likely cost-prohibitive and overseas phone calls a rare treat, but couldn't some accommodation have been made for your child's sake? Was this simply the result of a different era, or another example of selfish parenting?

Image: Daily Mail

Brooklyn School Librarian Almost Loses Job For Being Too Proud of His Kid

Moms From Two Countries Bond Over Shared Sperm Donor

Jay Tomas Reunites With Out of Wedlock Son

Is Mandy Moore Being a Homophobe or a Normal Daughter?

Opposing Same-Sex Fostercare and Adoption: It's Not Just for John McCain Anymore

Sunday Dinner Anthropologist

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 22:06:00 GMT

Dinners growing up were always more or less casual affairs (it was the 70s/80s and everyone worked, had group therapy, and didn't buy into the old traditions--it was the West Coast and it was very laid back). Furthermore, we weren't in touch with our extended family so if there were a big special dinner on a Sunday or holiday, only a few of us would sit around the table and make small talk (which in those days meant reviewing our feelings about this or that current event).

Inspired to live their lives differently than their parents, my parents provided more love than structure, more cereal than roast chicken.

Fast forward a few years and a few kids and the ideology of doing it differently ended with less quality family time, poorer nutrition, and a house that smelled more of pop tarts than bread, cookies, or rosemary chicken.

The decision to make more of a to-do over Sunday dinner came very gradually, with the return of the twins from their Dad's every other Sunday night, we wanted to mark their homecoming in some significant way. And as sitting down to dinner as a family became more important to me than worries about who did more cooking (and as the possibility of more time to plan and prepare meals became available), we took advantage of this one daily ritual.

The Sunday dinner in my house is nothing fancy. Tonight we're having flank steak with broccoli, salad, and rolls. What matters is that when the twins come home, they'll walk into a house that smells good. And maybe they'll carry these memories of the cozy smells of homecooked food into their adulthood.

[Photo Credit: New York Times]

Joint Custody: A Dad Speaks

Karen Murphy — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 18:42:00 GMT

Joint custody sucks. From talking to several adults who endured various manifestations of the joint-custody dance as children, plus observing what it does to my own children, all I can say about it is that it's not easy. If the kids are lucky they end up as resilient, flexible adults who don't mind traveling. If they're not lucky, well, there's always years of therapy ahead to help iron out the kinks.

I was surprised and touched, therefore, to read this father's perspective. In the minority when it comes to custody-sharing dads who typically are awarded alternate weekends or some other small slice of the total kid-time pie available, this one wrote a rather moving piece reflecting on his reaction when his kids boarded a plane every year to spend summers with their mom. Which means he's the primary parent, the one who nurtures and protects his kids all year long.

I guess I could only read this within the context of my own experience, having always been the primary parent but now grudgingly sharing that role, but somehow I found this heartening. Have I been holding presumptions about dads and their parenting abilities? [gulp] Sure, I know there are exceptions, but I wonder if I haven't fallen prey to some of the pervasive myths out there about dads and parenting.

Any advice from those who have been there? Are more dads than we think really up to the task of single-parenting?

Lessening the Impact of Divorce on Children

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 18:31:00 GMT

Divorce is one of life's greatest stresses (second only to death of a spouse). And for kids, the stress is amplified as one parent moves out and other routines and caregivers shift. Many children are often left to fend for themselves emotionally during divorce, as parents become wrapped up in their own financial, emotional, and relationship issues.

Parents going through divorce are well-advised to watch for signs of stress in their kids, including failing grades, withdrawal, and fighting or tantrums. To ameliorate kid's divorce-related stress, parents can refrain from arguing in front of the children, or saying nasty things about the other parent, keeping consistent routines, and making sure kids maintain contact with both parents.

Divorce is a horribly stressful time but it can be less so if parents remember to put kids first, which is always much easier said than done, don't you think?

Father's Rights: Part I

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 14:11:00 GMT

According to John Fowler, Fathers 4 Justice Board Member and activist, one of his group's primary goals is "to promote equality in family courts." The organization's tagline reads "every father is a superhero to his children" which is fitting, given that the group in Britain uses daring stunts to draw attention to the issues of shared custody, including demonstrating outside of Buckingham Palace and the House of Commons wearing Batman and Robin costumes. These methods haven't translated as well in the States, and father's rights groups here tend to favor legislative solutions rather than superhero antics.

Such heroics weren't always necessary -- at least by fathers. According to reporter Susan Dominus' New York Times Magazine related piece, children were considered part of men's property until the 1850s. This was eventually replaced by the practice of awarding sole maternal custody on the theory that young children were best cared for during their tender years by their mothers. Since the late 70s custody has been awarded from the standpoint of the best interests of the child, an amorphous concept many father's rights groups believe naturally favors the mother.

Not surprisingly, the uncomfortable intersection of law and personal choice never fails to raise the blood pressure of those on the Left and Right, especially when it comes to issues such as father's rights. People understandably feel strongly about their personal choices -- kids, family, marriage, abortion -- and are willing to become a superhero or heroine or junkyard dog or martyr making sure those rights aren't trampled upon.

But in the case of custody, I think the "tender years" proponents were right. Even though biological determinism is outre´, the mother-child bond is undeniably biological in the beginning: Think pregnancy, delivery, hormones, breastfeeding.

Whether we, or our bosses who grant us 6 weeks unpaid leave, or our exes agree, babies and young children need their mothers more than they need their fathers in the beginning. Awarding 50% custody of children under 3 years of age is an act of total ignorance. And I think groups like Fathers 4 Justice are naive to think otherwise.

To Be Continued...

Tired Santa: Joint Custody During the Holidays

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 14:12:00 GMT

Despite numerous studies citing the benefits of joint custody for children of divorce, including lower rates of teen pregnancy, alcoholism, and juvenile crime than their sole custody counterparts, those of us who share custody during the holidays know it's usually just making the best of a bad situation.

Joint physical custody isn't nearly as fun as it's cracked up to be. Notwithstanding the good times to be had with the complicated visitation schedules requiring three Palm Pilots and a degree in Marital & Family Counseling to understand, holidays without your children aren't the freewheeling bacchanalia they were in your pre-kid days.

Leaving aside the obvious fun of watching small children hopped up on candy canes attempt to beat each other senseless with new Nerf bats, children and Christmas go together like love and marriage in the old Sinatra song. And without them around, it's just another day at home but with more wine and a spa gift certificate.

And even though all the Father's Rights Groups will most likely picket the Babble offices in protest, I think holidays are a time for sole custody. And I mean sole maternal custody, baby. Let's face it, holidays were made for the mamas with the weeping and the cooking and the hugging and the gluing of the ornaments and the singing of the songs.

Fair is fair. We gained the weight, gave birth, and most likely changed more diapers. Santa is tired. He'd rather only go to one house next year. Mama's.