Strollerderby : kidspeak

Babble Talk – The Color Blind Kid

Brett Singer — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:00:00 GMT

I'm not one of the people who thinks that racism is over now that Barack Obama is President. (Call me when Black people can hail a cab in Manhattan.)

That said, I do think that it's fair to hope that future generations will be less inclined to judge others by the color of their skin. This quote from Kids Say The Cutest Things illustrates this point:

Six year old Hanna.."Daddy why are Black people Black and White people White"...Daddy "Well because that is the way God made us"...Hanna "Oh..well can you tell God that my favorite color is PINK!"

Aw. Maybe one day we can all just get along. Or at least get a cab.

Read more stuff from kids that will give you nachas for the future of our nation right here. You can also submit your own aspirational aphorisms.

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Babble Talk: Keep That Kid Away From The Police

Brett Singer — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:00:00 GMT

In general when our kids say something inappropriate, they don't mean to. That is, they just mix up a word or two.

Of course, there are mix ups and there are mix ups. Like this one:

Calls popcorn "Cop porn" – Rylee (3)

This isn't likely to be a problem. Unless you are at the movies and there is an officer of the law nearby. "Hey, Dad, thanks for the Cop Porn!" Could be a little problematic.

Read more stuff from kids that could get you arrested right here. You can also submit your own bombastic baby babble.

Babble Talk: Points For Honesty

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Stuff You Never Thought You'd Say -- Winter Edition

Babble Talk: When the Kid Wants Mom to Shut It

Babble Talk: The Wisdom of No Consequences

Kids to Obama: Read Books, Eat More Ice Cream

JeanneSager — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:36:00 GMT

Ah, if only life were this simple. A collection of letters written by children to President-Elect Barack Obama were highlighted in the New York Times last week.

Their number one pick? A series of junk food suggestions from a little girl who thinks the president elect needs to put on some weight.

The letter is, of course, pure kid - "You look too skinny. You should eat more food. this is what you should eat:" followed by a list of foods I'd love to eat but only let my daughter have on special occasions. You can get all upset that this child doesn't value "healthy" foods, or you can look at it purely from the eyes of a child. She thinks the president looks hungry. She likes him enough to suggest he eat better. And, hey, who wouldn't want a buddy to fatten up on ice cream, buttered popcorn and cotton candy?

Others in the list were written by older children, and with that comes a bit more worldliness. Most moving to me is the letter from a twelve-year-old who says her parents are split down political lines, with one highly conservative and the other ultra-liberal. "Thank you for bringing my parents somewhat closer together. :) You are my idol Mr. Barack," she says.

I admit it; it doesn't take much to get me all weepy about the future of our country. But that letter in particular brought on the little pricks in the corner of my eyes. Because after reading about the parents who refuse to let their kids attend school on Tuesday lest they see the wrong (in their eyes) president inaugurated, it's nice to know there are parents out there who don't agree with the president-elect and are still raising kids to be thoughtful, accepting, and productive members of society.

To read the whole list - from suggestions that he get more kids reading to requests to help their families get jobs, check out the Times piece. Bring the tissues.

Image: New York Times

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Babble Talk: Dude Looks Like a Puppy

Brett Singer — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:00:00 GMT

There's a routine by a comedian whose name I can't recall that I always liked. In it, the comic talks about his son and how little kids are honest to a fault. The boy walks up to heavyset woman wearing a Guess? shirt and says, "I don't know. 280? 285?" And so on.

I was reminded of that routine by today's edition of Kids Say The Cutest Things:

"I didn't know dogs can drive cars!" said by my daughter Madelyne, 3, when she saw a not so attractive person driving a car past us who resembled a dog.

On the one hand, we want our children to be honest. On the other hand, there are times when being honest is not a good idea. When you receive a birthday present you don't like, you don't say, "Gee, this sucks." You say, "Thank you for the gift."

Or if you see a person who is particularly unattractive, it probably isn't such a great idea to refer to them as a K-9. I'm just saying.

Get more brutal honesty from people no taller than your kness right here. You can also submit your own trenchant toddler tidbits.

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Babble Talk: When the Kid Wants Mom to Shut It

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Babble Talk: Points For Honesty

Brett Singer — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:00:00 GMT

One of the first posts I wrote on Babble was about certain words that toddler's should never, ever say in polite company. One of them was the phrase "fork and spoon."

In case you've forgotten, here's why:

(Fork - r = Fok) + (In - n = n) + Spoon = Fokkin' Spoon

Many people weighed in with their own toddler-isms, such as the child who walked around asking everyone where his stick was – except that he replaced the "st" with "d". That must have been fun.

Over at 'Kids Say The Cutest Things', this kid, I think, wins the prize. Not only does he/she say a four-letter word, he/she seems to know that he/she is saying a four-letter word. Please forgive my language... well, it's not my language, it's theirs:

mommy dosen't like when i say fire truck because i can't talk very good so I usually say fire fuck

Hard to argue with that one, right?

Read more of the funny stuff that pops out of our kids' mouths, four-letter words, five-letter words, or 27-letter words right here. You can also submit your own short-people sayings.

Stuff You Never Thought You'd Say -- Winter Edition

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Airing the Parental Dirty Laundry

Babble Talk: Did Mommy Get New Boobies?

Brett Singer — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Ah, kids. Yours, other people's, they come up with some doozies. Sometimes it's a word out of context, or making use of their name in a creative way.

And other times, they speak a phrase that can be bursting with meaning:

Holding my new bra my daughter said,"You got new boobies, Mommy?" Jadyn, 3

Now I'm not saying that Jaydn's mommy actually has new boobies, or even that she ever had new boobies. But somewhere Jaydn got the idea that a woman can, in fact, get new boobies. Where did Jaydn get such an idea? Has Jaydn been accompanying daddy to lunch at Hooters? (Note: I have no idea who Jaydn or his parents are, the condition of the boobies of anyone in the family or their friends, and whether or not Daddy eats lunch at the mammary mecca that is Hooters.) If nothing else, the kid has a head start on a truly male vocabulary.

Read more of the funny stuff that pops out of our kids' mouths, be it boobies, bras, or broccoli (hey, it could happen) right here. You can also submit your own child-like chatterings.

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Lego Santa Crab Will Frighten Children Into Being Good All Year

Nature Lovers Also Annoyed About Children's Dictionary

Babble Talk: When They Don't Want to Go

JeanneSager — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 22:32:00 GMT

To the parent who has yet to deal with a screaming tot who doesn't want to leave the park, playground, toy store . . . just about anywhere . . . invest in earplugs. You're going to need them.

Then again, you might want to save your money for ice cream.

We seem to have a lot of aunties weighing in on Kids Say the Cutest Things lately, and thank goodness for little Kiana that her mom has a sister. The four-year-old apparently announced "Mom, you're ruining my life," when forced to leave the park. Her aunt thought it was hilarious (oh, come on, we would too - provided it wasn't our kid), and Kiana ended up with an ice cream treat from auntie.

Some days, I'd kill to be the auntie.

When my kids throws a fit - you know, like her recent screams of "help" as we were leaving the county government center (where a sheriff's deputy, fortunately, DID laugh instead of rushing to the aid of the toddler in need) - I'd like to step outside of myself for just a moment and think. Yeah, she's funny - let's go get ice cream.

I'll probably be ready about the time she won't be caught dead eating ice cream with her mother.

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Babble Talk: It Was an Accident

JeanneSager — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:06:00 GMT

It's always an accident. They knock over the bottle of water you just told them to watch out for, and they look at you, stricken. "I'm sorry Mommy, it was an accident!"

But the best "accidents" are the times they do something naughty that's really accidentally on purpose. Even the strictest disciplinarian has to get the lesson over FAST so they can run off into another room and get their giggles out.

Take Raphael, the three-year-old over at Kids Say the Cutest Things this week. He told one of the adults in his life, "I just climbed up on the counter and ate some sugar, by accident."

It's funny how that happens, isn't it? You're just going along, minding your own business, and poof, you're on top of the counter, licking that sweet white stuff. Come to think of it, I know a friend or two who has had some cravings like that . . . get your mind out of the gutter people, I met pregnant friends.

Does Your Kid Have an Accent?

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Does Your Kid Have an Accent?

JeanneSager — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:03:00 GMT

Every once in awhile, my daughter will spit out something with a distinct Southern drawl. Mind you, she's spent all three years of her life in upstate New York, but my little Yankee has a rebel Daddy influencing her muddled patois.

So where does the Scottish accent come from? And where did my four-year-old cousin in Philly get the Boston pronunciation of his vowels? Definitely not from his New York-born parents.

Most kids develop speech patterns akin to their parents, and they adjust as they get older to those of their surroundings. My aunt in North Carolina still sounds like a born and bred New Yorker. Her kids sound like they were raised in the South - which they were.

I, on the other hand, have an accent formed by a childhood with a mother from North Jersey and a father from upstate New York and an adulthood with a husband from down South. When I people started questioning my sudden acceptance of country music after years of complaining about the twang, I had to admit I'd become immune. I live with the twang. And that twang, in a sea of fast-talking New Yorkers, is all it takes for our daughter. She calls one of my best friends - who has her own Long Island-ese, by the way - her aunt Taaayeruh, a distinctly Southernized version of Tara.

I'm stumped, however, on the Scottish and British words that pop out of her mouth - the insistence that her toys stop being "nawty" in a voice reminiscent of the SuperNanny (which we don't watch, or at least, not with her awake). And that Bah-ston accent of my little cousin? He can pahk that cah in his toybox, but it's not leaving Pennsylvania.

Is this just another weird thing in my family, or do your kids spit out strange accents?

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JeanneSager — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:31:00 GMT

Poor Santa. For about four weeks, he gets to play bad cop - so we don't have to. For a month, every time they even think of being the slightest bit naughty, there's that warning "Santa's watching."

Is it any wonder they stop believing?

The little girl in my favorite edition thus far of Kids Say the Cutest Things here on Babble might be switching up her favorite holiday. Let me lay out the evidence:

Mom- you have to eat your peas. Girl- I don't want to. Mom- If you don't eat your peas then Santa won't come. Girl (mutters under her breath)- The easter bunny would never make me do this.

Poor guy's going to get a complex . . . or lose the battle. His cookie fix is starting to make more sense all the time.

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Five Ways to Spot a Stalker Mom - So You Can Run

JeanneSager — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:34:00 GMT

I always thought it would be kind of cool to have a stalker. Not in the "I love Jodi so much I'd shoot the president" sense, but you know, someone who would still checking out my saggy mom butt even though he isn't required by the ring I put on his finger.

Then I found out about the Mommy stalker. I can spot the type these days from across the playground. She’s got a group of five or six kids around her, and they’re “shaking the sillies out.” In other words, she’s getting them high on kiddie crack, just in time to send them back to Mom.

I go to the playground now with a ready-made excuse. A story to write. Dinner to make. Because she’s going to ask what we’re doing later. She’s going to invite us over for a playdate. Worst of all, she’s going to do it right in front of my kid, who is going to say, “Yeah Mommy, please can I go? Please, please?” Judas.

Kids love the Stalker Mom. She’s fun. She’s annoying. She expects you to hang out during your kids’ playdate, and she doesn’t think that entails a bottle of wine. You want to avoid her at any cost. Don’t worry, the ‘Derby’s got your back. Here are the top five dead giveaways so you can spot a potential Stalker Mom at 30 paces:

She says “I heard that,” and titters when you drop a pile of books in the mud outside the library door and mutter “s**t.” (Yeah she heard it, because I said it. And, no, I don't mean "sugar.")
She prefers the floor to the chairs at story hour. Easier to crawl after the babies and pinch their butts. Also easier to lead songs that involve clapping because you can just brush the sippy cup, teddy bear and other necessaries abandoned by your child off the lap onto the floor. (I sit on the floor all day at home lady, while my kid is otherwise engaged, please, please, allow me to give my back a little relief).
She uses the word "fun." In every sentence. In reference to potty training and the like. In adult conversation. (Thus making conversation not freakin' fun at all.)
She's on a first name basis with the staff of Chuck E. Cheese. (Well, you know, it is fun).
If you have a kid, she will find you. And invite you to her house. And get your kid wound up. And make your kid fall in love. And you'll be the mean old Mommy (or Daddy) if you don't just let them play . . .

Image: Quizilla

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Five Nonsense Kids Character Names Explained

JeanneSager — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:27:00 GMT

Sometimes the names they give to our kids’ favorite characters sound like they had a kid in on production. I mean, Pikachu? I say Gesundheit.

But listening to Mike Myers explain the Yiddish origins of everyone’s favorite ogre on NPR’s Fresh Air last week made me wonder – are all characters like onions? Do they all have layers? Thanks to my anal retentive side and too much time to spend in front of my computer, I offer up the first edition of children’s character names explained.

Shrek: According to his creator, his name came not from the swamp but the Yiddish word for “scary.” We’ll trust the former Linda Richman on that one – after all, if we ask too much she might get a little ferklempt.

Pikachu: I always thought the yellow Pokemon had a rodent-look to him, and no wonder. Pikachu loosely translates to “Electric Sparkling Mouse” in Japanese. Known for storing electric in his puffy cheeks and a tail that looks more like a bolt of lighting shooting out of his rodent rear, we could boogie woogie woogie with that description.

Lightning McQueen: Since we’re on the subject, lightning is an obvious name for a fast car. But the source of Cars’ sexy red racer’s surname is often mistaken. He was dubbed “McQueen” not for bad boy actor Steve who spent many a movie shifting gears but for Pixar animator Glenn McQueen, who died in 2002 from skin cancer.

Nemo: The movie that proved even a scaredy clownfish can take on the big bad ocean, Finding Nemo is technically named for “no one.” At least that’s the Latin translation of “Nemo.” We’ll take it from the seagulls – he might be no one, but our kids wish he was “mine, mine, mine.”

Winnie the Pooh: A secondhand name is just fine for a bear of very little brain. Winnie is short for Winnipeg, the hometown of a Canadian soldier who gave his black bear of the same name to the London Zoo. That’s where author A.A. Milne and son Christopher Robin (natch) met the friendly female who Milne later immortalized in print. Pooh, by the way, is also secondhand – it was the moniker of the real Christopher Robin’s pet swan.

More to come . . .

Image: Dan-Dare

Mom Takes her Potty Mouth to Work

JeanneSager — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:30:00 GMT

I really gotta go potty. Which would be all well and good, but I just told my boss.
Actually, the exact words were, “I’ll do it in a minute. First I hafta go potty.” He wasn’t impressed. And I was more than a little embarrassed. Ever stop and realize your potty mouth isn’t the adult variety?

The comments on this Wall Street Journal Juggle article were your usual been there, done that, still have the pee smell on the backseat. It was the comment from a mom who’d dubbed herself “AllBoys,” that made me gulp.

“I cannot stand hearing grown women say, ‘Mommy needs to go potty now’,” she said.

Sorry, grown woman over here. I say potty. I say stinky and boo-boo. I also spend an inordinate amount of time with someone who won’t be allowed into a PG-13 movie for another decade.

Being a parent means dropping the cuss words – which can be eminently helpful in upping the professional image. But does our new vocabulary list put a target on our backs the size of Alaska? I’ll let you know what my boss says next time I ask if he remembered to say “thank you” to the guy who refilled the printer with paper.

Image: Ky_Olsen