Strollerderby : lesbian and gay families

Dottie's Magic Pockets: I Want to Love it and You'll Want to Love it, too

Erin White — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:49:00 GMT

Let me begin by saying that I am a terrible snob when it comes to children's shows. Dan Zanes is the only children's performer my daughter has seen live and that's only because I have a crush on both Dan and the girls in his band. But normally my intense phobia of audience participation coupled with the nearly crippling embarassment I feel for the performers themselves keeps me away from any show (live or taped) that involves real people.

But I am really trying to love Dottie.

Because the thing is, Dottie's a lesbian mom. A lesbian mom who, when her partner and son head off to the first day of school, creates a magical world from the glitter she finds in the pockets of her hoody. The show is sort of like Pee Wee's Playhouse, except less entertaining. A lot less entertaining.

I want to love Dottie's Magic Pockets. I really, really do. I would love for my daughter to watch a show that reflected her own family life. But I can't subject her (and myself by extension) to a silly show just because it's about gay people. Little Bear's mother and father might dress like they belong in the FLDS compound, but at least they have some clever things to say now and again.

So for now we'll take Dottie and her friends out of the DVD player and put "Angelina Ballerina, Friends Forever," back in. And if that doesn't tell you how insipid Dottie is, than I don't know what will.

"30 Days" Not Long Enough to Change One Woman's Mind About Gay Parenting

Erin White — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 18:30:00 GMT

As an old writing teacher of mine used to say, just because something really happened doesn't mean it's a good story. This pretty much sums up my feelings about reality TV, and is at least half the reason that the "Same-Sex Parenting" installment of Morgan Spurlock's 30 Days show sat on my DVR for nearly a week before I could bring myself to watch it.

I was also afraid of how upset it would make me.

The show follows Kati, an Orange County Mormon and adoptive mother of two, as she travels across the U.S. to a farmhouse outside Ann Arbor, Michigan where she has agreed to spend 30 days living with Tom, Dennis, and their four adopted children.

Boy, is Kati ever nervous! How will the gays treat her? Will they take it personally when she tells them that she thinks their children would be better off living on the streets than with them? Will the lesbian mom she meets get defensive when Kati tells her she's truly sorry that she's been denied all contact with her child because she has no parental rights, but that she could have solved her own problem by not having a child in the first place?

Suffice it to say, Kati does not form lasting friendships with Tom and Dennis. She's angry and sad about this, and confused about why they can't just "agree to disagree." (Tom points out that actively working to dismantle his relationship and family isn't just disagreeing with him.)

While it would be easy to make Kati the villian in this story (and I think I will just go ahead and do that), I also hold Spurlock accountable for much of what is offensive about this show. While he gives airtime to Dawn Stefanowicz, author of Out From Under, and Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council, the only gay or lesbian individual he speaks with directly is the head of Pacific Reproductive Services, a sperm bank in San Fransciso. And it's less of an interview and more of a Mr. Rogers-esque field trip during which Spurlock gets to make the obligatory straight man jokes about how great it would be to get paid for doing something he does anyway. So original! There is a whole boatload of research showing that children raised by gay and lesbian parents are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. But not one data point made its way into this show.

By the end of the show everyone is in tears and Kati is on her way back to California, relieved that her deeply stressful and lonely 30 days as the only homophobe in the land are over. If this 30 Days experiment proves anything, it's that people's bigotry and prejudice can't be changed simply by getting to know a few good gays. Real change of heart requires something a little closer to home. Which is why I'm praying that one of Kati's sons turns out to be gay.

Homophobic Brits Convince Heinz to Hold the Mayo

Erin White — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 17:35:00 GMT

Heinz pulled a TV advertisment running on British television after the advertizing regulator recieved 200 complaints that the ad was inappropriate for children.

Ironically, the ad is already prohibited from being shown during children's programming because it shows a high-fat food. And what can possibly be more damaging than the sight of high-fat food?

Two men kissing, that's what.

This hilarious ad (you can watch it here) shows a typical early morning household, with children rushing to get their lunches and get out the door. Except that instead of a mum making the lunches, it's a rather gruff New York Deli Man who, when the children's father makes his way toward the door, calls out "Hey, ain't you forgetting something?" The two men kiss, and the deli guy sends his man out the door with "Love You. Straight home from work, sweet cheeks."

The Heinz company has issued an apology to anyone who might have been offended.

So this summer when you're making your deviled eggs and world-famous potato salad, do your gay dad friends a favor and use Hellman's.

Thanks to Mombian for this story.

California Streamin': I Can't Get Enough of These Wedding Photos

Erin White — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 19:19:00 GMT

From the looks of things it's been one fabulous party after another in California since marriage became a civil right for all nearly two weeks ago. I've watched videos,read first-person accounts, poured over photos, and generally enjoyed watching the Golden State gays act like they invented the idea of same-sex marriage. (I'm not bitter, just jealous of all the fun their having. We were so very serious about things here in Massachusetts.)

So if you are half the voyeur I am, I've got the Flickr photostream for you:

The Bilerico Project has nearly 500 pics taken in the first two days of legal marriage, many of couples and their children, some of a few minor celebrities, and a couple of spectacular cakes. The best part is that all the photos (many of them taken by press and professional photographers) are free and available for download by anyone who want to use them. The beaming and teary faces of these couples and their families will (hopefully) be a powerful force in what promises to be a tough fight to keep marriage legal for all Californians. At the very least, they'll be a powerful force in keeping you from getting your work done.

Transgender Man's Baby is Coming Soon, But What About the Birth Certificate?

Erin White — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 20:00:00 GMT

As the mother of two children with edited birth certificates, I am all about altering this official document when one of the parental categories just doesn't apply. But in the case of Thomas Beatie and his wife they both apply, just not to the right person.

So what's a pregnant man to do?

According to Slate, Beatie and his wife can do what lesbian parents (and gay and straight parents of children conceived through surrogacy) have been doing for years: they can ask for a new birth certificate that accurately documents their family structure. While Beatie will have to appear on the original certificate as "mother," he and his wife can petition the court to issue a new certificate which lists Beatie as the child's father and his wife as its mother.

And maybe then, when everyone is officially and legally just who they want to be, this news story will draw to a close and the Beatie family will live out their days quietly, far from the public eye.

Somehow I doubt it.

Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

Erin White — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:26:00 GMT

Madeline and her faithful readers have come up with a bevy of rude, ruder, and rudest questions to ask a pregant women. I can't help but add my two cents with a short but rude list of questions I got during my two pregnancies.

But before I do, let me just say that I am wholeheartedly committed to deepening people's understanding of how LGBT couples become parents. I know that often times what looks like homophobia is simply misinformation and that, armed with the facts, people are far more likely to be comfortable with and accepting of lesbian and gay families. But pregnancy brings out the sensitive in all of us, gay or straight, so here are five questions that, in my opinion, should be googled, not asked:

1. Do you know the father?

Darlin', there is no father. There is a donor, and maybe I know him and maybe I don't, but either way it's no business of yours.

2. Did you consider adoption?

We did. DId you?

3. What is the baby going to call you?

Ms. W. and Ms. C. Lesbians are nothing if not formal.

4. Do you hope it's a girl?

The fact that lesbians want to have sex with women doesn't mean we want to populate the planet with them. It's 2008, people. The Marge Piercy novels are out of print and Holly Near is married to a man. Lesbian Separatism is (mostly) dead.

5. Was IVF just a fortune?

I don't know. I didn't have IVF. I had Artifical Insemination. And so did the vast majority of other pregant lesbians, some of whom actually made it a DIY job. (WIth a syringe, not a turkey baster.)

So there's my list. What can you add?

New York Governor's Decision to Recognize Gay Marriages Brings Unexpected Praise (and Hugs)

Erin White — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 19:13:00 GMT

Of course Governor Paterson was expecting suppportive phone calls and cheering from his LGBT constitutents when he ordered state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages last week. What he wasn't expecting were hugs. From straight people.

According to this New York Times article, Paterson was eating dinner in a Manhattan restaurant when a couple "approached him, introduced themselves, and then each hugged him. Their son was gay, they told Mr. Paterson, and they wanted to let the governor know how thankful they were about his policy."

So while parents might not want their kids to be gay, it's no surprise that when they are, many parents want them to have the same opportunities for love and happiness that other people's children have. Even if it means taking out a second mortgage to pay for the wedding.

Massachusetts Governor's Daughter is Out (and he's Proud)

Erin White — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:39:00 GMT

I love a good coming out story, especially one that involves an elected official. Of course, the ones we usually hear are about the children of politicians who aren't exactly friends of the LGBT community. And while a bit of schedenfreud every now and again feeds the hungry soul, it's nothing compared to the genuine happiness I felt when Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick and his daughter Katherine told the world she is gay.

There are so many things I love about this story. . .

I love that the Patrick family granted their interview to Bay Windows, Boston's GLBT newspaper, and not the Boston Globe. I love that Governor Patrick campaigned on a platform of equal marriage rights for gay and lesbian couples years before his own daughter told him she was a lesbian. And I love that he's never seen the L Word, but is willing to watch an episode with Katherine (who, she says, is most definitely not willing to watch an episode with him).

But what I love most of all is what he has to say about whether or not the possibility that one of his daughters would be gay was a factor in his decision to support gay marriage:

"I don’t think we thought about who they loved - more that they knew what love was and that they would have love in their lives."

If that's not a lesson in how to raise happy children, then I don't know what is.

photo by Marilyn Humphries

Lesbian Mama is Pregnant With Twins, and so is Her Partner

Erin White — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:01:00 GMT

It's a story as old as time.

Two women fall in love, get civilly unioned, and decide to start a family. So they find a sperm donor and start popping the folic acid and charting the basal body temp. And with a little luck and a lot of cash, they make themselves a baby.

Or four.

That's right. Four.

Karen and Martha, the stars of Discovery Health's "Two Moms With Quads" special, are both pregnant with twins. They both used the same donor and Martha's eggs (she's the younger of the two), so the kids are technically quadruplets. You can watch the show's trailer here, and while a few interview scenes feel like they were lifted out of a Christopher Guest mockumentary, these women and their earnest excitement really are sort of sweet.

I'm going to tune in (tonight at 8, est) just to catch a glimpse of what life is like in a house with two pregnant women. My guess is that life with four babies will be cake compared to nine months of racing each other to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Strollerderby Playdate: Blogging for LGBT Families

Erin White — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 11:01:00 GMT

Today is a big day in the LGBT blogosphere. Thanks to the vision and organizational skills of Dana Rudolph (the force behind Mombian) and the sponsorship of the Family Equality Council, hundreds of LGBT bloggers and their blogging allies are posting for and about their family lives. Stories, poems, political manifestos, video clips, antecdotes that will charm you and embarass our children, well, we've got it all.

Here is my favorite post from last year. (Can you believe how freaking cute that kid is?) And I'll be posting a round-up of my favorites later this week. But until then, go ahead and look at Mombian's list and hit a link or two. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Gay Guinea Pigs Wed in New Children's Book

Erin White — Thu, 22 May 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Well it's been a week since gay marriage became legal in California, and since it might become illegal again in a few short months, wedding bells are going to start ringing 24/7 in the Golden State come June 16. My guess is that many of you (even those who aren't personal friends of Ellen and Portia) will be attending a hitching or two this summer and might be looking for a way to talk about the event with your kids.

Have I got a book for you.

Uncle Bobby's Wedding tells the story of a gay guinea pig couple and their little guinea pig niece, Chloe. The beauty of the tale is that it isn't about gay marriage. It is about the way Chloe feels about her favorite uncle getting married. She doesn't give a flying celery stalk about the fact that Bobby's bethrothed is a boy, she's just worried about how the marriage is going to affect her. This is a sweetly illustrated, well-written book that tells an actual story involving gay characters. What a concept.

So here's my question: If the only gay people you know are the ones who live on planet Showtime but your kid looooves any and all things that pertain to weddings in particular and fanciness in general, would you buy this book for him or her? Do tell.

Strollerderby Playdate: Are You My Brother??

Erin White — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:01:00 GMT

I have to admit that I'm a little nervous about this playdate. I have no idea who, if anyone, is going to show up, or if my kid is going to like them.

Back in 2000, Wendy Kramer and her son started this website with the hope that children conceived with the help of a sperm donor could make connections with their siblings regardless of whether or not they knew who their donor was. As of today, the site has over 1200 members (and scads more lurkers, myself included) and has made over 5000 sibling matches. The site is simple to navigate and allows parents to search using several different criteria, depending on what they might know about their donor. It also provides helpful information about how to talk with your children about their conception story, and what you might expect in terms of a relationship with a donor, should you find him (the site has facilitated a number of sucessful donor-offspring matches). You can also let people know that you are looking for more vials of a particuar donor's goods, or that you have extras available, which makes the site sort of a Craig's List for sperm.

The Donor Sibling Registry is, without a doubt, a great resource for people who want to make genetic connections for their children. But let me tell you what I worry about (because by now I'm sure you've realized that there's always something I'm worried about): kids going on the site without their parents. While the Registry's policy states that it exists for parents and children over the age of 18, the use of the site cannot be regulated. I worry about teenagers searching without their parents and then becoming confused and overwhelmed with the information they find. Still, as someone who believes wholeheartedly in abandoning the secrecy that has historically dominated in the world of donor-conceived children, I am all for this site. Hell, I might even register my success stories one of these days.

California Mamas and Mamas (and Papas and Papas) Are Gettting Married!

Erin White — Thu, 15 May 2008 22:15:00 GMT

Dry those tears you're shedding over Jodie and Cydney!

Hollywood might be losing a golden lesbian couple, but the state of California is gaining a place in the history books with today's State Supreme Court decision to overturn a ban on same-sex marriage.

YEEEEHAAAA!

Nearly 4 years ago to the day, it was my home state that was ruling on same-sex marriage. A few months later my partner and I were legally married in our living room. And a few months after that, my partner's name was typed onto our daughter's birth certificate right below mine.

I believed it then and I really believe it now: A victory for same-sex marriage is a victory for children. Everyone's children.

As one little boy I know said when his Massachusetts moms told him they were going to get married: "Hooray! Now we all get to go on a cruise!"

Jodie and Cydney Call It Quits

Erin White — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:57:00 GMT

So I don't have the story from the world's most reliable source (it rhymes with " The Rational Admirer"), but still, I fear the bad news is true.

After 14 years and two children, Jodie Foster and her partner Cydney Bernard are breaking up.

How can this be??? Certainly you remember how, just a few short months ago, Jodie threw off the oh-so-thin veil of secrecy and publicly thanked "my beautiful Cydney" at an awards ceremony. We've had less than a year to claim these women as a shining example of a beautiful and happy two-mama family. I'm sure they'll take good care of their boys and always think of each other as family (lesbians are very bad at getting divorced) but I'm still sad. Our hollywood census is so small to begin with and a hit like this, while not as tramatic as the whole Anne and Ellen fiasco, is downright devastating.

A word to Rosie and Kelly, should they be reading: Let's keep it together, girls. We're counting on you.

LGBT Families Are Goin' to the Mega-Chapels

Erin White — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:04:00 GMT

Every Sunday between now and Father's Day, LGBT parents and their children are donning their Sunday best and climbing aboard a chartered bus headed right (very right, in most cases) for the nearest Megachurch.

What in God's name are they thinking?

They are thinking that open and respectful dialogue is the only way to change the minds and hearts of people who think that the answer to the question "WWJD?" is "build a church with on-site dry cleaning and step-aerobics and don't let the gays come." They are thinking that by following the non-violent principles of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Ghandi they can take a stand, make a statement, and help people to see for themselves that discrimination and prejudice against LGBT people and their families is not WJWD.

They are calling themselves the American Family Outing. I am calling them brave. And as proud and hopeful as I feel about the whole endeavor, I am a little worried about the kids. What if people say terrible things about their parents in front of them? What if they get scared? What if there is an entire buffet table of Krispy Kremes at fellowship hour and no one lets them have any?

I'm sure the organizers have thought all this through, and that my paranoia stems from the fact that my own queer spawn are 3 years and 9 weeks old, respectively, and seem too tender to expose to a football stadium of people who still don't understand why Rosie had to go and ruin a perfectly good talk show by telling the world she was gay.

So good lucky and godspeed, American Family Outing. Just be careful with the kids.

Strollerderby Playdate: My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy

Erin White — Mon, 12 May 2008 11:02:00 GMT

I'm not talking about mine, people. I might have been miserable occasionally, and a lesbian definitely, but I was never, not even once, lonely. I guess that's what having a three-year-old who thinks the words "Mama needs privacy" mean "Mama wants you to close the door behind you when you follow her into the bathroom for the grillonth time today." I would have paid money, real money, for a little hit of lonely.

And you all should pay money for this hilarious new book.

My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy is Andrea Askowitz's chronicle of her 40 week descent into the depths of pregnancy hell. At nearly 35 she wants a baby and she wants it bad. So bad that she is willing to go it alone. She's not really alone, of course. She's got her friends, who drive her crazy with the insenstive questions they ask and the ugly maternity clothes they choose for her. And she's got her family, who drive her even more crazy than her friends, especially her mother who wants to make a quilt for the baby depicting Persephone and her goddess mother, Demeter.

Askowitz isn't afraid to write about sex and love affairs, about break-ups and heartache, about fears of motherhood and fears of being alone. And the best part of all is that she is so damn funny.

Go out and buy your favorite pregnant lesbian a copy of this book. And while you're at at, get one for yourself.

Lesbian Family Lives in the Shadow of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

Erin White — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Here is a partial list of the things that the children of decorated US Army officer Cheryl Parker (a pseudonym) cannot do:

Go the the Army base playground
Play on the base soccer team
Be taken to the pediatrician by their mother
Attend the rally and parade welcoming their other mother home from Iraq

They can't do these things (or a seemingly exhaustive list of other childhood activities) because if while they are swimming or playing with other children or standing in line to sit on Santa's lap at the family Christmas party they happen to call their mom "Mom" and someone hears it, their other mom will lose her livelihood, her career, and the life she has wanted since she was a girl.

I must say that when I first read this article by Dana Rudolph (founder of the powerhouse lesbian mom blog, Mombian) I didn't know what upset me more, the Army's hateful and hurtful anti-gay regulations, or Parker and her partner's decision to subject themselves and their children to such blatant and persistent homophobia. Of course it only took a few moments to come down squarely on the side of fury at our military for their block-headed insistence that a person's willingness to die for her country is much appreciated, just so long as she doesn't love fall in love with someone who uses the same bathroom she does.

As someone who can't even watch "G.I. Jane" without becoming positively panic-stricken at the though of finding herself in Jane's Army-issue boots, I long ago gave up trying to understand why anyone--gay or straight--would want to sign their life over to the military. But I also understand, especially after reading about Donna Parker's love for the Army and for her family, that for some people the military is not a choice. It is part of their identity, essential to their human experience. Kind of like being a parent. Kind of like being gay.

Breaking Up is Hard(er) to Do

Erin White — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 19:08:00 GMT

While the news from New Hampshire (and I'm talking civil unions here, not primaries) is all good, the word in Massachusetts is that the flip-side of same-sex marriage (i.e. same-sex divorce) is getting complicated. Taxes make it complicated, health insurance makes it complicated, moving out of state makes it complicated, but nothing screws up a gay divorce like children.

When a heterosexual couple splits, the courts most often (for better or worse) give the mother preferential treatment in the custody arrangement. But what happens when there are two mothers? Or no mother at all? And can a non-biological parent be sued for child support?

In most cases, no. And in many cases they can't get custody, either.

According to this story in the Washington Post, issues of biological and adoptive relationships between parents and children (and siblings) are the key factors in custody decisions. "I tell all my clients: Adopt, adopt, adopt," says one family lawyer. She claims it's the only way to guarantee legal custody to your child. A legal Massachusetts marriage-- as groundbreaking and historical as it might have been--just isn't enough.

So many GLBT couples work to consciously create families based on connections outside biology and the law (and most have done an amazing job of it, might I add), but when those family structures start to shift, or dissolve, or crash and burn, well, that's when things get messy. And when couples join hands and jump into what hetero couples have long experiences as the complex and potentially litigious land of marriage, things get even messier still.

What the Hell, Let's Just Say It: Jodie Foster is a . . .

Erin White — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 16:50:00 GMT

I really and truly wanted to write about this exciting initiative just launched by HRC (Human Rights Campaign) to promote the participation of LGBT parents in the foster care system, but every time I type the word "foster," I just can't stop thinking about the other Foster, the one whose loving acknowledgment of her "beautiful Cydney" at the Women in Entertainment breakfast (who knew women in entertainment even ate breakfast?) was just about the best Hannukah present anyone could have asked for.

Of course, Jodie's thanks to Cydney for sticking with her "through all the rotten and the bliss" isn't exactly the kind of evidence of sexual identity that would stand up in court. But for those of us who have been waiting patiently all these years for her to say something--anything--well, we're thrilled.

We're thrilled because even though we've got Melissa and Rosie and their kids out and proud all over the place, it's Jodie we've wanted to claim all along. Jodie, who is smart and beautiful, Jodie who makes brave and frightening and tender films, Jodie whose high-security private life makes us all the more certain that she is wildly worth knowing Jodie whose children, possibly, probably, most likely, have two mamas.

There's one thing I'm wondering about, though. Should I wait until after the Vanity Fair cover story/family photo shoot before I ask her to sit for the official Babble interview?

The Pope Thinks It's All My Fault

Erin White — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:51:00 GMT

Lately I just can't listen to the news. I can't hear about what we are doing in Iraq and what we aren't doing in Darfur. I used to think my low tolerance for atrocity was due to the fact that I am 7 months pregnant, wildly hormonal, and justifiably worried about bringing a child into this broken world. But after reading the Pope's Papal Message for the World Day of Peace (to be observed on January 1, 2008) I realized that my aversion to news about war is because, as a married lesbian mama, it's all my fault.

"Everything that serves to weaken the family based on the marriage of a man and woman, everything that directly or indirectly stands in the way of its openness to the responsible acceptance of new life ... constitutes an objective obstacle on the road to peace," Benedict writes.

Really? I thought dropping bombs, creating food shortages, and shooting people were what kept us from walking (or at least riding in a bullet-proof pope-mobile) on said road to peace. It's nice to know that the pope thinks I'm so wildly powerful, and that by leaving our spouses and giving our children up for adoption all of us gay folks could solve the problems that might take Bono and the Gap another generation or two to fix.

Inclusive Children's Books: Let's Keep it Interesting, People

Erin White — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 15:24:00 GMT

A few days ago my daughter checked out Fancy Nancy and the Posh Puppy from the library. It’s one of those books with an ever-so-slightly androgynous looking father who can be re-christened Mommy, thus transforming an otherwise innocent and sparkly tale into a radical lesbian feminist text or, at the very least, a story about a family constellation that shines the way my daughter’s does.The only problem with renaming characters is that the act of reading the edited story requires a certain level of attentiveness (i.e. you can’t read aloud while also ordering shoes on-line).

That’s why I am always on the lookout for books that do the heavy lifting for me. While the past few years have seen an encouraging increase in the number of books about children being raised by two moms or two dads, it’s still not easy to find books that are about something other than the fact that a child has two moms or two dads. And unless you are a member of the religious right or a bi-questioning 3-year old, an actual story line is required to make these books worth reading.

So if you’re looking to spark some memorable holiday table conversations between your preschooler and your in-laws, why not put some of the books on this list (or this one) under the menorah? Just be sure to choose a book that is about children or dragons or penguins who are doing and saying interesting things, and whose parents just happened to come as a matched set.