Strollerderby : loneliness

Non-Jock Kids: Lonely, Rejected, Friendless

Karen Murphy — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 17:11:00 GMT

Middle school was hell, because it was in middle school that I became painfully aware of my complete and utter lack of athletic prowess. Tall, skinny, and awkward, I was consistently left among the little clutch of other athletic outcasts when the stronger and more capable girls picked teams. It didn't matter what sport it was; I was hopeless at all of them, and it didn't take me long to figure out my standings in one fairly important world.

Fortunately, I outranked many of those kids in other ways and didn't suffer too much in the long run (after all, P.E. was only one period out of an entire day and could be blocked out mentally if I worked hard enough at it). But many kids aren't so lucky, as a new study reveals. Kids inherently know how they stack up in the jock world, and there is a complicated but obvious-to-everyone ranking system that goes along with it. And kids who can't play sports are regarded, even by themselves, as lonely and less well-liked, while popular kids automatically are thought to be better athletes.

I've got a kid who just entered middle school this year and I see in him the same pattern. Not terribly confident either athletically or socially, he feels a bit of an outcast even though he shines academically. It makes me want to just hold him close and tell him that in ten years it won't matter, but what about those ten years?

It's sad that physical achievement, while obviously of importance in maintaining fitness and overall health, is still the benchmark of social acceptance in childhood. This skewed perception certainly is likely to skew the little minds of many generations of kids to come, as I don't see a change occurring any time soon. But hello, a little more emphasis, maybe, on other ways of being successful would likely cut way down on therapy for kids who just haven't yet grown into their bodies. And placing greater importance on achievement in the arts or academics would certainly help create a better-balanced world, don't you think? Yeah yeah, call me idealist.

Tell Us Something We Don't Know: New Moms Often Feel Lonely and Isolated

Kelly Mills — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 13:36:00 GMT

More than half of 2,000 new moms polled admitted they feel "lonely and isolated." Also: "Nine out of ten also lament the loss of the social life they enjoyed before baby arrived and around two-thirds say they 'feel cut off from normal life'." Is this news? Not that I mind drawing attention to it, since the first year of motherhood is a bitch-and-a-half in a number of ways, but yeah, lonely. This article points to the fact that nowadays we often live far from family and rarely know our neighbors, and I do think that's a big part of it. The idea that two bleary-eyed people whose lives have just changed dramatically should be raising a kid alone seems silly. And note that I'm avoiding using that phrase about it taking villages.

The poll also found that a third felt "tearful" and I'm guessing another third were so sleep-deprived they forgot they just sobbed the morning before. They also discovered the women spent only an average of 90 minutes a day in the company of people other than their spouses. That's actually pretty good. I just remember the supreme effort it took to actually leave the house, what with the giant diaper bag and the nap timing and the inevitable poop explosion as we walked out the door. And then once you make your engagement you're expected to be able to speak coherently and focus on conversations while your baby screams bloody murder. I think this is why moms groups are helpful to some--you need buddies in the trenches.

My Kids Have No Friends and it's All My Fault

Karen Murphy — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 19:05:00 GMT

It's true. Outside of school, my kids have no friends. Growing up, even though I attended a school miles from my home, I was painfully shy and fiercely private, but I still had a couple of across-the-street friends to play Monopoly with and go roller-skating with. My own kids? Not so much. Not at all, in fact: they play with each other and that's about it beyond occasional playdates with school buds. Apparently this is a trend, and as friendless as they may be, my kids are not alone.

According to a study that, uh, studied these things, kids today on average don't hang out alone with friends until they're about fourteen, despite the fact that their parents did so at ten. Which means that most of us have fears that the world isn't the rainbow-filled bubble it seemed to be when we were little. Helicopter parents? Maybe. Buying into media-fueled panics about missing children? Perhaps. But parental fears and the resulting lack of freedom for the kids, added to the rise of solitary activities like video and computer games, has resulted in the fact that one in five teenagers has no best friend.

So what to do? I don't have an answer for that one. I would love for my eleven-year old and seven-year old to have nearby friends to hang with, but I'm picky and scared. It's hard to let go of the apron strings. Not to mention the fact that my kids lack the social skills to find their own friends, even though there are apparently kids right in our little neighborhood.

What about your kids? Do they have friends? What age do you think is appropriate for your kids to be off alone with friends? Do you manage their friendships? Are we raising a generation of solitary kids?