Strollerderby : love

Playdate: Does Your Sitter 'Love' Your Kids?

JeanneSager — Tue, 26 May 2009 20:01:00 GMT

My daughter tells her babysitter "I love you" every day when I pick her up and gives her a kiss. Her sitter does it right back.

And although we're not related, it doesn't bother me one wit.

According to Amy Jo over at Philly Moms Blog, it should. The stay-at-home mom says she's protecting her kids from insincerity when she says she'd rather not hear her kids' childcare provider using the "love" word with her kids.

"My oldest is only three and change, and I doubt he understands the difference between how his parents love him and how his teachers "love" him. I would hate for him to suffer any kind of hurt over this confusion," she says.

Hold on a minute here. Doesn't everyone who "loves" our kids love them in different degrees? You don't tell Great Aunt Sally not to say "I love you" even though she sees them once a year and can barely remember their names, do you? True, she's family, but this woman doesn't even know their names! And sends your son barrettes to wear in his buzz-cut hair!

Maybe I'm particularly lucky. My nursery school teacher still gives me a hug when she sees me, and she's been out of the game for some twenty years. Living in Florida most of the year, she sees me only in the summers at chance run-ins at the grocery store. And still, she remembers particular details about my childhood and relates them with a genuine smile. She might not love me like one of the kids she gave birth to, but I was one of her kids. Just like the hundreds of other little boys and girls who went through her little house on the hill catty-cornered from the old Chevy dealership.

Somehow, I'd bet she's the rule rather than the exception when it comes to folks who sign up for her (former) profession.

Amy Jo admits she's being cynical when she fears the teachers are just buttering her up for a better gift at the end of the year. But, really, if the people are in it for the gifts, they've chosen the wrong profession.

I chose my sitter based on a number of factors - but the number one was how she related to kids. She genuinely likes being around them and caring for them. So yes, I believe she loves my daughter. Not the kind of all-consuming love that I have for her, of course, but a love that makes her take the kind of care of her that I'd want someone to take while I can't be with her. You can't just turn the mama/papa bear thing on during the hours you watch a child and turn it off when they walk out the door.

Image: Clipartguide.com

Joba Loves His Messy Mom, Do You?

JeanneSager — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:26:00 GMT

I am not a fairweather Yankees fan. I love Joba Chamberlain, even when his mom is brought up on meth dealing charges (when he gives up four runs in the first, weeeeeeell...).

The Yankees pitcher's comments had to warm the cockles of moms everywhere, especially this week of all weeks (ahem, look at your calendar).

"You've only got one mom, man, and you've got to be thankful for her,'' said Chamberlain. "I still love her."

Of course, it's not Joba's fault that his mom, Jacqueline Standley, was allegedly selling methamphetamines back home in Nebraska.

It isn't any kid's fault when mom is a serious mess. But this is certainly sit down and take stock week, especially for parents. Joba's sort of right - most of us only get one mom (yes, children of lesbians get two, kids in open adoptions get two . . . but the point is, your options are still limited!).

So does that mean we all have to love our moms? Or our dads for that matter? Or does it mean Jacqueline Standley is REALLY lucky to have a son who knows life throws you curveballs?

Ask any parent how their own parents play into their choices as a parent today, and you'll get one of two answers: 1. They're doing things the way their parents did it. or 2. They're trying very hard NOT to do it the way their parents did it.

We might only get one mom (or the equivalent), but that doesn't mean she had to be any good. And since we won't all have a Yankees pitcher for a kid, we'd best work our butts off to try to not to make a mess of it.

Image: DailyNews

Mom, That Cuts! No, Really

JeanneSager — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 13:26:00 GMT

Here's a way to guarantee your kids will only say I love you from the other side of bulletproof glass: pull a butcher knife on them.

It's what a Florida mom booked on child abuse charges is said to have done.

Natasha Brinkley's kids came home from a friend's house exhausted, and not up to answering her questions. She supposedly threatened to leave, saying no one loved Mommy, and got angry that the kids wouldn't respond that they DID love her. That's when the kids' dad says she started screaming and cursing, and he told the kids to leave the room. He alleges Brinkley threw a small glass table at the kids as they left the room, and when they turned to comfort her, she pulled out the butcher knife.

Clearly this is a problem parent (at least one who needs to steer clear of sharp objects), but have you ever gotten to the point where you felt like your kids were taking you for granted, and all it would take to clear it up was a "hey, Mommy, I love you"? I try to hold firm on punishments for my daughter, but I've got to tell you, I melt at an "I love you."

Image: Amazon

Did Having a Baby Make You Start Thinking About Your Ex?

JeanneSager — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 20:30:00 GMT

I wasn't thinking about much when my daughter was three months old. My maternity leave was over, and I was back at work - albeit at a reduced thirty-hour schedule. I didn't have time to think about sex, nonetheless an ex.

Turns out some parents have turned the seven-year itch into the three-month itch. Their baby hits three months, and as exhausted and un-sexy as the mothers feel, they start thinking about what their life could have been if they took a different path. Namely, if they picked another partner.

In the New York Times this week, essayist Anna Solomon says she couldn't help romanticizing her exes when her daughter was still a newborn, when she hit that three-month mark everyone told her would be a turning point, when she would start to get her life back:

"I was certain that I’d ruined my life, and I was thinking — with alarming frequency — of men who were not my husband, men who seemed suddenly more attractive than they’d actually been, or kinder, or braver — men who would never have gotten me into this mess."

I always thought it was just in the movies that women turned on their husbands during childbirth, that they started screaming, "I hate you, I can't stand you, get away from me, you did this to me." But here that same feeling is, rearing its ugly head three months on, when the pain of delivery is gone and the reality of being a mother has set in. You aren't you anymore, and as long as you're stuck in this bleary-eyed state with this little person who can reach top volume and turn tomato red in the blink of an eye, it's hard to imagine you ever will be again.

Is it any wonder some women fantasize their way out of it? Even for a few moments? It's not sexual fantasies of exes past, because, frankly, sex is what put you in this predicament. It's emotional escapism, the kind that nourishes the body in what can be a very dark time for a parent, especially a stay-at-home parent or a woman still nursing a baby through the night (and hence getting no sleep). And that's why, for most of us - including Solomon, it's fleeting. Your baby grows, you get some sleep, and you realize you are pretty darn OK where you are - if not completely and wonderously in love with where you are.

Did you ever fantasize about the ex when your child was young, or daydream about going back to the pre-pregnancy days?

Image: DailyMail

Your Kid's Mouth Stinks: Here's Why

Also on Babble:

The New Celibacy

No Sex Please, We're Parents

Little Girls Really Do Marry Their Daddies

JeanneSager — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Did your daughter ever inform you when she grows up she's going to marry her Daddy?

It turns out she probably will - or at the very least his doppelganger. Your son, by the way? He might well grow up to marry a woman is a heckuva lot like his Mom.

Recent research and surveys have come up with the same answers - an overwhelming number of people grow up and fall in love with someone who shares either facial characteristics or personalities with one of their parents. Some researchers say it has to do with familiarity, others because they are following set patterns in their lives (ie. a girl with a missing dad might marry an emotionally unavailable man).

Let's face it, kids inherit traits from their parents. So it only stands to reason that the traits they inherited from one parent would be the same kinds of traits that drew that particular parent to the other. If a girl is more like her mother, for example, wouldn't it make sense that she'd be attracted to a guy like her father?

Is one of your kids more like you? Do they have the kind of personality that would mesh with their other parent better? Who is your little one going to grow up to marry?

Image: Sydney Morning Herald

Mom Sells Daughter's Soul to a British Tabloid - Figuratively Speaking

JeanneSager — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:06:00 GMT

There are days go by when your kids drive you nuts, no question. But do you ever stop loving them?

If you did, would you tell a British tabloid?

Shelley Price got the burden of eleven years off her chest to the Daily Mail this week, telling the paper she just can't bring herself to love the little girl she had with an ex-boyfriend eleven years ago.

"I know what people will think. Everyone will hate me. I'm the woman who doesn't like her own child. But I'm speaking out because I'm convinced I'm not alone," she told the paper.

I don't actually doubt her words. As a mom who went through a bout of postpartum depression (fixed by good drugs, take that Tom Cruise), I can identify with a mother's apathy. Fortunately, there is nothing but love for my daughter coursing through my veins these days, but I am willing to bet there are mothers whose depression never gets the appropriate treatment. There too are mothers who kill, mothers who abuse, mothers who neglect their children - a sure sign that not every mother is consumed by pure love for their offspring. What's more, there are mothers who perhaps got pregnant and never should - who (dare I say it?) should have gone for an abortion. We're not all made to be parents. Physically, perhaps. But mentally? Emotionally?

Price says she was meant to be a parent. Her proof? She's got nothing but love for her second daughter, two-year-old Poppy.

Which makes this story all the more cruel. Price has spoken out about her plight just as eleven-year-old Catherine is hitting puberty, a time when a pre-teen's life is already in upheaval. Adding the knowledge that her mother doesn't love her, and the whole world knows took the burden off of Shelley Price and put it squarely on the shoulders of her hormonal tween daughter. Throw in her mother's assertion that she loves her younger daughter, and gone too is the comfort that "maybe her mother wasn't made to love" or "maybe her mother has a condition of some sort." There is simply no rationalizing the facts away. The likely option a child will turn to is "there must be something wrong with me," when it's very clear to adults that the fault lies with Shelley Price.

As a parent, it is our job to protect our children. Period. From the day a child is delivered (or adopted), they become our main priority. But Shelley Price has put her own discomfort first, and by opening up "for other mothers," she has sounded the death knell for her daughter's innocence.

Perhaps this child could already tell her mother didn't love her (old-fashioned sibling rivalry, if nothing else, would likely have brought that to light). Now her mother has removed all doubt. For children, who depend on their parents not only as their first line of defense but as a stumbling block, there's always that knowledge that their parents are the sole source of unconditional love.

A little girl has lost that, and her mother gets to feel better about herself because she's "done a service" to other mothers. Shelley Price says she's now going to work to improve her relationship with her eldest daughter. "'I can't change the past, but I'm hoping we can make our relationship better. I want to put it right, but perhaps it's too late for that."

She's sold her daughter's soul, and she can't get that back.

Source: The Daily Mail has removed the original story, but the piece is still available in full at We Kid You Not

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(Very) Young Love Foiled By Police

KeriF — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 01:34:00 GMT

Anna-Leva and Mika were young and in love, so they decided to do what so many other young couples have done before: elope. They packed their bathing suits and sunglasses and brought along Anna-Leva's sister to act as a witness. But the police noticed the threesome at the local train station and put a kibosh on the planned nuptials.

Why? Because Anna-Leva and Mika are 5- and 6-years-old.

To be fair, even if the police hadn't noticed them, the three children wouldn't have gotten too far, seeing as they had neither money nor passports. But who needs such material things when you've got love on your side?

The trio apparently walked a half-mile to the local tram station, which took them to a train station where they patiently waited for the train to take them to the airport. Their destination: Africa. ("Where it is warm," they explained to police.)

In lieu of their dream wedding, the kids got a tour of the police station.

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Parents of Young Boys, Beware!

What's the Sexiest Age for Women?

Kelly Mills — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Hmm, how can you not read an article that starts with the line, "Being sexy is often perceived to be a key essence of femininity." What is that? Yo, you are blowin' my mind on a Thursday morning. Anyhow, it's just a run-down of a survey of 1,000 women: How much sex they have now versus when they were younger, how much they enjoy it, and so on. Turns out middle-aged women have less sex but 56 percent feel they enjoy it more now that they are older and wiser. I guess going for quality is better than quantity.

Anyhow, they asked the women what age they felt the sexiest. I took note. So what was the magic number? The majority felt sexiest at age 34. Whoa now, that's my age. I guess if I am like the majority of women (and we could speculate on that one for days) I have one more month of feeling the sexiest of my life. Actually, the article says, "it was at the age of 34 when they had felt more sexy." Can I get a side of sexy with that? I'm upping my sexy intake right now. Can you ask Justin to bring my sexy back, I only loaned it to him for a short time. (Don't ask why I'm nitpicking the copy here, I guess it's just that I'm seeing my sexy clock run out soon and it's making me critical.)

So how does this information help us women? Um...I'll have to get back to you on that. If you would like to share the age you had the biggest stockpile of sexy in your (hee hee) arsenal, I'm all ears.

Obama doesn't say I love you anymore

Brett Singer — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:00:00 GMT

An article in the New York Times talks about how Barack Obama has changed over the course of his campaign. Before, he was an inspirational speaker. Now, he is "keeping his tone not exactly monotone but not exactly soaring."

"Bottom-up growth" has replaced "fierce urgency of now". That sort of thing.

This is the kicker:

The Obama of the campaign trail is at once more prosaic and perhaps more proficient. Early this year, when his appearances were more happening than rally, one could count on a constant: Someone would scream, “I love you, Obama!”

And Mr. Obama would, almost without looking up, answer quickly, “I love you back.”

Then the McCain campaign began running commercials portraying Mr. Obama as a separated-at-birth celebrity brother of Paris Hilton.

Shouts of “I love you” went unrequited this past weekend.

OMG, what's next? He won't bring me flowers? Will he – NO! – leave the toilet seat up???

I have no idea how much Obama has consciously pulled back from his vocal declarations of love for his supporters, but it does seem that he has. But so what?

It seems like this is a bit of President-as-parent, or maybe spouse. We're not marrying the guy (or gal -- hey, it'll happen one of these days), we're electing him to do a job. Do you want a President who loves you, or who "feels your pain" as Bill Clinton used to say? Does it affect how you vote?

Source: NYTimes

Image: Wikipedia

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5 Ways to Train Your Husband

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:01:00 GMT

Here puppy puppy, want a treat??!! Good boy!! Want a biscuit?

Amy Sutherland applied lessons learned from dog training to her husband and reports experiencing a happier marriage as a result.

Here are 5 ways to train even the most unruly husband:

1. Reward good behavior - As fun as it is to nitpick and nag, it is far more effective to praise progress.

2. Engineering incompatible behaviors - If you don't like your husband hovering while you surf the 'net or cook or clean your gun, set up another draw in the room (food, movies, etc.) to keep him away.

3. Flattery - Will apparently get you everywhere. "My you have a large and powerful gun, honey" always works for me.

4. Don't overpersonalize - Rather than reading into his lack of help with the kids or the laundry, Ms. Sutherland encourages a more broad understanding. By overreacting a thoughtless habit might become a form of retaliation.

5. Ignore bad behavior - Ths is a nearly impossible for most of us. The concept here is that by ignoring bad behavior it will go away. Tell that to my overflowing garbage can.

Ms. Sutherland's book, "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage," releases this week. I can't help but wonder what backlash would have occurred had this book been about training wives to be obedient. Can you say "flak jacket"? On the other hand, "The Surrendered Wife" probably already thoroughly covered this ground.

Rich or Rehab: Whatever Happened to the Girl From 'Love, Sidney'?

Jen Chaney — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:02:00 GMT

"Please believe me. Lately my whole world is changing. Suddenly, you're here and my life's better than before..."

If your immediate response to that series of lyrics is: "We're friends forever!" then you probably remember the show "Love, Sidney" and its sappy theme song. Odds are you remember Kaleena Kiff, the little girl who played Patti and, along with her mom (played by Swoosi Kurtz), shared an apartment with gay artist Sidney (Tony Randall).

So what happened to Kiff? After the brief run of "Love, Sidney," she appeared in bit parts on "Family Ties" and "Three's Company," then as a regular on the "Leave It to Beaver" update, "Still the Beaver."

These days she still works in Hollywood, though mostly behind the scenes. Most notably, she's been an assistant director for TV's "Smallville," and even appeared in an episiodes as Lex Luthor''s assistant. I looked and looked but could not uncover a photo of her. So if you find one, please post a link in the comments below.

In the meantime, Kaleena, we hope it's you who will be there for us. Our friend.

Rich or Rehab appears every Tuesday morning on Strollerderby.

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Kitchenista: Say It With Cookies

Adrienne Martini — Thu, 29 May 2008 14:30:00 GMT

There are some emotions that can only be expressed through baked goods. Sure, love and sweets go hand-in-hand -- but there are subtle moods, too, like "sucks to be you; have a pie." Or "Sorry I can be an idiot; eat this cupcake."

Allie Firestone understands those moments that need more than a card but less than a party. Her mom's make-everything-better cookies weren't fancy. Still, they were exactly what Firestone and her sisters needed when life was bringing them down.

Now you can add them to your repertoire, too. For all of life's little bruises, a treat can be a damn fine (and tasty) bandage.

Photo credit: www.forgetmeknots.com

Weekly Check-Up: Men Are Not All the Same

Kelly Mills — Thu, 01 May 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Researchers from the Kinsey Institute have made this groundbreaking discovery: Men are not all from Mars. "We're probably from a whole bunch of different planets," says one of the study's authors. What the hell are we talking about? Well, men vary widely in frequency of sexual desire, in what turns them on, and in what an erection means. You mean they don't all just need a picture of Pamela Anderson in a bathing suit and ten minutes in the shower? Yeah. So I guess dads are just as diverse in their interests and the amount of hummada hummada they want as moms. This should be news to anyone who never met more than one man in their entire life.

Guess what turned on an overwhelming majority of guys? Being outdoors, like for camping or a picnic. Maybe it's time to make that family trek to Yosemite a couples-only thing. And while I'm mocking this thing a little, since the idea that all guys are simple creatures who want it all the time is completely dumb, it is good that studies like this actually quantify what many of us know, that men are as complicated and varied as women. I did recently read that male lack of sexual desire was the biggest unspoken taboo nowadays, and it's not uncommon. Oh, and the researchers say that "as many as 30 percent of women may be more easily sexually aroused than most men" so ladies, don't feel bad if you are the lusty one in your relationship.

Even More On Sex and Chores (and Chore Sex)

Kelly Mills — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:26:00 GMT

If there's a theme emerging on the Derby and in the rest of the news, it's that women want guys to do more in the way of housework, and doing the dishes or folding the laundry is essentially foreplay. There's even this article on the hotness of a man who knows how to wield an iron (some ladies made a "porn" book of photos of guys cleaning, hee hee). Now, I'm gonna bet that some guys already pick up the house without being told, maybe even as the neatnik in the family. But the bottom line is this: If you and your partner aren't necessarily compatible in the standard of cleanliness you require for sanity, the messier of the two is probably going to have to pitch in even when they don't want to, because that's part of being in a relationship. One person doing the lion's share is a recipe for trouble unless that's an agreement both are on board with.

That said, of course the same goes for sex. You have the clean(ish) house, it also seems fair to me that if one person has a stronger libido, the other person may need to do it even when they aren't begging for it themselves. After all, why should one person have to constantly tamp down their desire because the other one is rarely in the mood? Obviously there's extenuating circumstances (illness comes to mind) at times and maybe some work has to be done to make the experience more interesting for both parties. But either way, any natural incompatibility is probably going to necessitate compromise, and the solution probably can't be living in a pigsty and only having birthday sex, or giving in to the other person's requests for chores or sex with complaining or eye-rolling. Love is lots about giving, and not being an asshole about it.

If the idea of having sex makes one person resentful because they are tired from doing everything, or the notion of chores pisses someone off because they are treated to shabbily and never even get any, maybe it's time for someone to call truce. But if you are the clean one and the libidinous one, well, we'll find you some different porn.

Pimping Kids Is Just a Mother's Way

Kelly Mills — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:30:00 GMT

When the big controversy over David Shuster saying Hilary was "pimping" out Chelsea hit, I was actually kinda jealous. Yeah, it's probably an offensive way to describe Chelsea doing her part for the campaign, and aside from conjuring up images of Hilary wearing a hat with a feather in it and a shiny suit, it certainly implies that Ms. Clinton is just using her daughter for her own selfish interests without any consideration of the wellbeing of her girl. But my envy sprung from another source: How lucky for Hilary that her kid will actually do stuff to help her mom out. My kid has been resisting pimping efforts since the day she was born, refusing to demonstrate her language skills on command or do cute things for the relatives or seem at all obedient or gifted when I'd like her to show off for anyone. No tricks for her, and if I'm in danger of suspension, that pun is totally unintended.

On HuffPo, there's an amazingly funny bit by Linda Keenan on the myriad ways she pimps out her child. Not only did I cry laughing, but I got a few ideas on ways I might finally be able to successfully pimp the kid (the bad music one is a stroke of genius, as is the firefighter oogling.) And I have to tell you that since it's almost Valentine's Day, I'm completely in love with Linda Keenan, she's a surefire blast of funny and irreverent in the middle of far too many uptight, righteous, and earnest posts over there (not all are like that of course, but some, oh my lord...) Yep, I'd ho that woman's brilliant stuff out any day.

The Seven REAL Signs Your Kid Loves You

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 23:21:00 GMT

It always makes me laugh to read articles like this one from Babycenter on the Seven Signs Your Child Loves You, detailing tangible behaviors in one handy little checklist for concerned parents to tuck into one of the twelve pockets in the top half of their mom jeans or the equally alarming over-pleated khaki dad version. Babycenter's signs were...well, fine. That is, if the "stares into your eyes/picks little flowers from the garden for you/throws tantrums/wants to eventually come home from grandma's house" quells your desperate worries. We parents at Strollerderby were not satisfied with the thoroughness of this tidy table, so we've thrown together a few more signs you will want to look for in assessing whether your kid loves you. Or at least if your child loves you more than their other parent/grandparent/nanny/babysitter/teacher/second cousin twice removed who sends stickers. Here;s our official formulation of parental child love:

Mike says his daughter shows an abundance of love by fetching "dad juice" from the fridge. Thank God she's finally walking since all that dragging clanky bottles while crawling is such a nuisance. He also says her bottle opening skills aren't quite there yet but with toddlers, its the the thought that counts.

Karen says kiddie love is directly proportional to the amount of bodily fluids they get on you. This is why I love Karen. As the mother of an extremely urpy child, I have concrete verification that I'll be adored forever. Or at least as long as we're 40,000 feet above ground or on a car trip that exceeds a half-hour. Sigh.

Madeline's just feeling bitter and ripped off to hear that other people's kids feel love. Awww, don't sweat it, Madeline. You can always have more kids to monitor closely for feelings of affection or even baseline tolerance of you and the hubs.

Kelly's daughter shows mommy that she loves her by engaging her in the fine art of macaroni necklace assembly. She's also quick to tally up adoration when she must have a new Bratz Doll or similar. Also, Kelly mentioned something braggy about pushing her baby out and then not throwing her colicky ass out the window, but if you know Kelly like we do, you know that simply another verbal major muscle group flex to remind us she's a blahblahpersonaltrainer-fitnessgurublahblah.

As for me, I will know my preschool really is crazy about me when he prepays for a three-year-long therapy package once he's out of high school and everything's official my fault for suffocating him with love, smooches and teeny tiny booty pinches. I will have to just trust in my smothering ways until then, or glean what I can from my obsessively-growing Beanie Baby collection.

Sure, there are parents who have legitimate concerns about whether their kid is healthfully showing developmentally-appropriate signs of love. And sure there are parents who need a table format to reassure them that their kid is pooping enough, eating enough, napping enough, parallel playing enough, acting out anger enough, watching enough crap TV and chugging the consumerist plastic and vibrating baby toy industry along enough, and apparently, loving enough. We've all been there in our most sleep-deprived and hug-starved moments. But surely, if the worry is real for either the parents or kids, someone with a wee bit more authority than Babycenter ought step in, right? And until then, let's keep the real signs rolling.

Strollerderby Playdate: Loves Other Than Kids

Kelly Mills — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 11:01:00 GMT

'Course we all adore our kids. But if you are what you love, then lets hope there's a couple more things out there that make you all warm and happy besides just home and family. For example, I love brand new running shoes, alone time, cake, Dexter, the smell of coconut, finding a new album that makes me feel like a teenager without all the angst, and geeky people. Hmmm, does that sound like my Playboy Bunny profile thingie? Let's just see what a quick cruise around the blogopolis tells us about love.

Steenface!, like me, falls head over heels (haw) for shoes. But never crocs.

Sex...Love, Marriage and Kids...in the City loves her right boob, but doesn't want the left to know.

The Sarcastic Journalist's daughter loves her dolls. And SJ loves the doll names.

Rockstar Mommy loves Stevie Nicks. Or at least the concerts.

Babble Talk: Rebecca Walker: We DON'T Love Our Kids the Same

Ada — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 21:18:00 GMT

Third-wave feminist icon (and estranged daughter of Alice Walker) Rebecca Walker has a story up today on Babble called "To Each His Own: I can't help it, I love my biological child best." She writes:

In my new book, Baby Love: Choosing Motherhood after a Lifetime of Ambivalence, I wrote about some of these feelings, and when a New York Times interview recently repeated them, the reaction was swift . . . How could I be so irresponsible, so politically incorrect, so heartless as to suggest that there was any difference between biological and non-biological love?

We wrote about this controversy in last month's "Editor's Note: Stepmom." (And ran stories by Lily Burana and Lisa Selin Davis on their experiences negotiating stepmother-dom.) Now Rebecca tells us why the outraged parents' kids weren't as upset by her comments. Check out the story, and be sure to weigh in in feedback!

Pregnant Woman Kicks Ass and Takes Names!

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 15:21:00 GMT

For purposes of argument, let's all agree that there are many many things about pregnancy that suck and some that don't. And even though pregnancy isn't always a conscious choice (after a point) I'm nevertheless filled with admiration for the ladies in that state. I was never anything but a big grump.

So reading this story about a woman who reads the riot act to a mean bullying man in a coffee shop made me so proud. Proud of being a woman, a mother, a human being.

There is nothing as heartening as a tough-loving woman!

[Photo Credit: Big Pond]

Congresswoman's Baby Has Down Syndrome

Karen Murphy — Thu, 31 May 2007 23:35:00 GMT

Dear U.S. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers,

I read recently that your new baby has been diagnosed with Down syndrome. Believe me, I can completely relate; my son Eric is now three and it wasn't long ago that I began the same journey of grief and acceptance that you are beginning. (This is him in the photo; isn't he beautiful?) I have a few words of advice for you.

First, don't listen to anyone else. That's right, not even me. Only you know best what's right for your child. There are plenty of "experts" out there who will be more than happy to tell you what your son Cole's life will look like. Don't believe them. Right now, his possibilities are endless. Know that, truly believe that, and they will be so.

Next, listen to anyone you can (you're saying "huh?" right about now, I can tell). There is an enormous amount of information out there. Learn to take it in small-enough doses so that you can sift through it intelligently. Join parenting support groups, online support groups. Acquaint yourself with the Down syndrome culture out there. Realize what wonderful, beautiful, amazing things that other kids with Down syndrome are doing and what their parents are doing to help them get there. I guarantee you'll be surprised. Look, too, at the number of adults with Down syndrome you suddenly see in surprising places. Try to see Cole's life through their eyes.

Third, this baby is here to teach you something. There is not a person with Down syndrome I have ever run across who doesn't seem to be on a mission of some sort, if only to spread love and joy or simply acceptance around them. Not a bad calling, if you ask me.

Lastly, allow yourself to really grieve for the child you didn't have. We all go through this, and it's okay. A dream died when you were told who Cole really is, and you should allow that death to settle. And then look into his beautiful eyes and really say hello to your tiny son. Then you can see him for who he is.

Hugs,

A mama who's been there

P.S. I forgot to mention: with your visibility and your political knowhow, maybe you could help make a difference for other kids with Down syndrome too.

News Flash: It's Good for Kids to Spend Time with Their Parents

Karen Murphy — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 18:07:00 GMT

Here we go again, yet another study telling us what parents with even an iota of common sense already know: it's good to spend time with your kids. It turns out there is science behind what most parents know and do without thinking about it; that is, they love and pay attention to their children, especially when the children are very young. Research suggests that at birth, our brains are only about 15% connected, and that the remaining 85% becomes wired through the various types of sensory input we receive in our first three years of life. Input like being hugged, read to, played with, talked to, and otherwise nurtured and supported will likely result in a well-adjusted child who is flexible, empathetic and intelligent. On the other hand, if those connections are made through negative, chaotic or fearful experiences, the child will fail to develop important characteristics like warmth and empathy.

In other words, continue doing what you've been doing. But now you know the reason for it, other than the simple fact that you love your child and it feels good. (Unless you were looking to raise a Jeffrey Dahmer, in which case please don't tell me.)