Strollerderby : mcdonald's

11-Year-Old Gets Rich Selling Happy Meal Toys

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:00:00 GMT

I wish I had one ounce of 11-year-old Luke Underwood’s financial sense. When he was just seven, he convinced his father to buy a Happy Meals toy collection for $350. Apparently, Luke had a precocious understanding that there are rich people out there who collect everything.

And lo and behold, four years later, the collection—to which Luke added over the years—has sold to various buyers for a total of $11,000. Although Luke never played with the toys or even, in many cases, removed them from their original packaging, he was sad to see the collection go. His parents persuaded him it was time to sell when they couldn’t look anywhere in the house without seeing a Happy Meal toy.

Clearly not an impulsive kid, Luke plans to use his 11k to buy and resell another collection, turning an even greater profit. If only the rest of us had been investing in Happy Meal toys instead of 401k's....

Photo: The Daily Mail

They Say: Schools Near Fast Food Makes Fat Kids

JeanneSager — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Think your kids are OK as long as you keep them clear of Burger King and Taco ~~Hell~~ Bell? Guess again.

A new study says kids who attend schools within walking distance of a fast food restaurant are more likely to be obese. If they can see the golden arches, they can walk.

The study, which appears in the most recent issue of the American Journal of Public Health, looked at data from half a million kids in middle and high schools in California. It found students who attend schools near fast food restaurants eat fewer servings of vegetables and fruits, and drink far more soda than students at schools not located near fast food restaurants. By near, by the way, they mean within half a mile of the school. They cite the restaurants serve as hangouts for the kids – and with hanging out comes eating.

Before you start Google mapping the Mickey D's and Wendy's in your area to pick the best school, you might want to look at kids outside of California. The closest fast food restaurant is at least half an hour from the local school in my hometown. And we've got plenty of fat kids in my town. What we don't have much of? Sidewalks. Or kids who would have reason to walk past a fast food restaurant, or walk at all for that matter.

Living in the country might mean we're free of the fast food menace, but the need to drive everywhere and the lack of parks and playgrounds means we have a lot of sedentary children. But I dare not move - because this study shows I'm screwed either way.

The free order of fries goes to someone who can find me somewhere my kid WON'T be influenced by crappy foods

Image: FastFoodHealth.org

Source: Reuters

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Babble Talk: My Daughter Gets Her Happy Ending at McDonald's

JeanneSager — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:30:00 GMT

The first time my daughter started shrieking "happy meal," from the backseat, I didn't know what she was saying. Then I saw the giant billboard. It was Ronald hair red, with a giant golden M in the middle. That's it. "Mommy, it says happy meal!" my daughter yelled again.

Yup, marketing to kids works. So does making your business family friendly. Which is why I recognized our family in Jennifer Blaise Kramer's Bad Parent: Supersize Me. We've stopped fighting the fast food fight, and we're not apologizing.

As a working mom, I have been known to pull into the McDonald's drive through at lunchtime. With more interviews schedule for the afternoon, I can put off my craving for food, but making my daughter starve? That's what I call bad parenting. Unfortunately, I'm not the mom who has a lunchbox full of homemade health food handy when it's time to go in the morning. I'm lucky I remember to take my daughter WITH me some mornings. I keep boxes of raisins and bags of multi-grain snacks in the car to make up for my shortcomings. But when the lunch bell rings, my daughter's tummy starts a rumblin'.

I have a choice. I could stop at a "real restaurant." I could spend an hour or more sitting there while the waitresses glare at the two of us taking up a table with our meager meal, while my daughter decides she'll eat ketchup and only ketchup and I cajole her to try a little bit of chicken salad. They know my tip isn't going to be big because we didn't eat big. I could sit for 30 minutes before they take my order, another 20 before our food arrives while my daughter gets fiestier minute by hungry minute. The crayons in my purse can only keep her quiet so long, and explaining "busy kitchen" to a 3-year-old is as easy as it sounds. What about those raisins? We could, I suppose, but that would mean a full tummy - and I just order a $10 entree that I'd hope she'd eat.

Mickey D's is looking better every second. With its apple slices that one commentor on Kramer's piece protests have been peeled of all their nutritious value. Hmm. Crappy apples or making her wait an extra two hours for lunch. Not a tough decision.

Ironically, I don't eat at McDonald's myself. Not because I'm turning up my nose at the grease, but because I'm a vegetarian. But this vegetarian has found herself turning more and more toward fast food chains since I became a parent. With a dire need for caffeine and a child who likes sleeping in the backseat, I face the choice of leaving her in car care, schlepping a cranky toddler in and out of the carseat or a smooth ride through the drive through. Ronald, the King, Wendy, Dunkin' know just how I like it.

I'm comfortable with the choice because my daughter still shrieks with delight at a McDonald's sign. It's still a treat. It's still new. She still gets excited. And why shouldn't she? They have a playground and boxes of juice Mommy doesn't get to water down. They have colorful boxes for her food with pictures to pop out and mazes to draw in. And you can't forget the toys.

The places we frequent as a family, the Greek restaurant with the to-die-for spinach pie and the creamy hummus, the Chinese place with the veggie lo mein and the pork fried rice, they're the spots where Mommy and Daddy willingly fork over the small amount set aside for a young family dining out in this economy. They're her "nothing special places," like the "nothing special" yogurt she can get any morning or the "nothing special" boxes of raisins in the backseat.

It's when McDonald's fails to excite her that I'll worry about my parenting.

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Nasty Surprise in McDonalds Burger

Brett Singer — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Call it a Not So Happy Meal. Or a Crappy Meal. Or… oh, whatever.

A woman went to the McDonald's drive-thru and ordered a bunch of Happy Meals for her kids. When one of them bit into her cheeseburger, she got a little surprise:

In this picture, you can see the two pieces against a white piece of paper. The little yellowish spot toward the top is the cheese that was on it when my daughter pulled it out of her mouth (yak, yak). This was in her cheeseburger! She could have choked. She could have broke her braces on this. If it had been one of my younger kids, they could have easily choked. How the heck does something like this get ON the cheeseburger? I don't even know what this is. It is smooth on one side and rough on the other.

I haven't eaten at McDonald's since reading "Fast Food Nation." While I agree that the politics of beef and the way that fast food companies do business are often despicable, the most nauseating passages in the book describe how the food is handled. Obviously, something that shouldn't be there could get into any food that you didn't make yourself; I know someone who found a spider in a container of applesauce and received 10 cases of the stuff from the manufacturer. But Mickey D's food is pretty vile, so its probably better to just avoid it altogether (although the fries are really tasty; those I miss a little bit.) As one commenter on the site says, "There are many good reasons to keep away from McDonalds; this is just one of them." So: stay away for the health reasons; stay FAR away for the little "surprises" in your burger.

Image/Source: stepfamilysanctuary.com

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Dad arrested for leaving son at McDonald's (what is it about McDonald's, anyway?)

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Dad arrested for leaving son at McDonald's

Brett Singer — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 19:00:00 GMT

See if you can follow this: Dave Lieber, a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, got into an argument with his 11 year old son over breakfast at McDonald's (perhaps the boy ate his McGriddle?). Lieber got so angry with the boy that he drove away, leaving him in the parking lot, which was "a few blocks" from their home. He then thought better of it and came back to pick him up a few minutes later, only to find that the police had been called. No charges were filed, and Lieber wrote about the incident in his August 15th column. He acknowledged that he had "made a stupid and quite serious mistake…I could have exposed my son to grave danger. I do know that. But in the moment of anger, I didn’t think clearly." He called The Parenting Center in Fort Worth, a nonprofit that offers counseling to local families. They gave him some good advice in case this situation ever happens again, like "don't take it personally when fighting with your child," that sort of thing.

HOWEVER, two weeks later, after "additional investigation", he was arrested on charges of "child abandonment with intent to return and child abandonment/endangering a child." Lieber is free on relatively modest $4,000 bail, but is still charged with two felonies.

There's an interesting line in his August 15th column: "back in the 1960s, if my parents had told me to 'walk home by yourself' when I misbehaved, no one would have thought twice…But what flew years ago doesn’t fly today."

I can't imagine doing something like this, and only partly because we don't eat at McDonald's. The felony charges seem extreme, however. When I was 11, I could walk to the store to buy comic books (and other things), and I lived in the Bronx. Isn't this the same thing? Or should intent –Lieber left his son in the parking lot out of anger – be a factor? Has anyone out there ever had an experience like this?

(Note: the image is from Dave Lieber's website, YankeeCowboy.com. That's a picture of him.)

Sources: Statesman.com, Star-Telegram

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McDonalds Wants to Sell Your Kids Hamburgers and Sex

Cole Gamble — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 19:49:00 GMT

You don’t need me to tell you McDonald’s is marketing to your kids. They want to snag your juniors early and mold them into lifetime users. In America, McDonald’s ropes tikes in with Playlands, toys in meals and easy going clown/nightmare fodder Ronald McDonald. Japanese McDonald’s, however, know what your kids really want: sex.

It’s only a matter of time before us puritanical Americans catch up with those forward thinking Japanese and give a sex overhaul to our beloved brands. I’m looking forward to the Pillsbury Dough Boy as portrayed by a Pussycat Doll. Poke her in the stomach and you’ll get a surprise. Then there’s Hugh Hefner’s polygamous trio of playboy bunnies as Snap, Crackle and Pop. Charlie the Tuna: Courtney Love. All of it will make you way hungrier for crescent rolls, rice crispies and canned fish and totally won’t leave you feeling creepy for being aroused.

I have to add this bit. When accused that burgers are detrimental to the Japanese diet, Den Fujita, the first McDonald's Japan president, said: "The reason Japanese people are so short and have yellow skins is because they have eaten nothing but fish and rice for 2,000 years. If we eat McDonald’s hamburgers and potatoes for a thousand years we will become taller, our skin become white and our hair blond."

Gives me a few ideas for new McDonald’s slogans:

McDonald’s: Official Hamburger of the Aryan Race.

McDonalds: Hey Japan, want a burger? No? How about a little Asian on Asian racism? Now you want a burger?

McDonald’s: Sex, Stereotypes and Shakes.

Feel free to compare the above video to this one of the OG Ronald. You've come a long way, baby!

Happy Meals Flunk Out of School

Madeline Holler — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 16:39:00 GMT

On the one hand, I think it's great that a Florida McDonald's is withdrawing from a "Made the Grade" program, in which it rewarded Happy Meals to kids who got good grades. On the other hand, why was this going on at the school in the first place? The decision to end the program came all the way from the executives at corporate headquarters half-way across the country -- not the school leaders.

In a nutshell, here's what happened: a parent saw the jacket of her child's report card had the McDonald's golden arches, the "Made the Grade" program details and menu items like McNuggets printed on it. She complained to an activist organization that opposes marketing directly to children at schools. Under pressure, McDonald's agreed to end the program and pay for reprinting the report cards.

The decision was made “because we believe the focus should be on the importance of a good education,” William Whitman, senior director for communications and public affairs at McDonald’s USA in Oak Brook, Ill., said Thursday. “McDonald’s, not the school district, will cover the cost to reprint the report-card jackets,” he added, and “remove our trademarks.”

That's great that McDonald's took responsibility in ending this practice, particularly after recent promises to cut back on advertising to children. But still, the school leaders who entered in to the "Made the Grade" arrangement have some responsibility here too. They're the ones who offered up the kids to be marketed to (in exchange for much-needed money, I'm sure. Still.)

Here's what the organization that fought to end this sponsorship said:

“In the absence of needed government regulation to protect schoolchildren from predatory companies like McDonald’s,” she added, “the burden is on parents to be vigilant about exploitative marketing aimed at children.”

Sad but true.

I'm no junk food purist -- we stop at McDonald's plenty on long car trips. Sometimes, there's no other option. (And who doesn't love a fat, blisteringly hot bag of those fries? Those fries!) But I don't like rewards for grades for sure (topic for a different post). And I especially don't like advertising in schools. There, I am a purist. If corporations want to help schools, they can make a large donation without anything in return -- no naming rights, no nothing. Just give the schools the money and feel good. But they don't get to come in and have their logos and tastes and smells and smiling happy clowns and gushing, awesome candies and cool refreshing drinks become a part of kids' daily lives without a fight from those who have their best interests in mind: the parents and schools (or so I thought).

What do you think? A free meal's a free meal?

Baby Born at McDonald's; Mom Didn't Know She Was Pregnant

Karen Murphy — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 15:12:00 GMT

Truth be told, I was going to start off by making references to "so that's how McDonald's gets its meat" (maybe you can tell I don't eat there much), but that was a little much even for my bizarre sense of humor. So forget you read that.

Instead, let's explore the bit about "she didn't know she was pregnant." I'm still trying to wrap me head around that one. I mean, I've BEEN pregnant, four times, and, well, it was pretty clear that something unusual was going on. Something unusual that lasted for months. Seriously, are there really people who are that clueless/disconnected/ignorant that they fail to notice such huge changes taking place over a period of months?

I guess there are, because this is a story that seems to happen over and over again. In this case, it was McDonald's employee Danille Miller who felt a sudden need to run to the bathroom during her shift, where she was followed by inquisitive and slightly less clueless fellow employee 16-year-old Jaynae Herrera who said later, "I was like are you pregnant? Because she was in the bathroom, and I'm like, are you pregnant? She says, I don't think so. A couple minutes later, she says the baby is coming out, and that's when I started freaking out."

Mom and baby, Austin Laddussaw, are both doing fine, and maybe they can teach a sex education class or something when Danille's gig at McDonald's gets old.

Photo: adsoftheworld.com

Kids Know McDonald's is Just Better

Karen Murphy — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 21:05:00 GMT

All the healthy eating in the world apparently can't undo the power of branding, even to a preschooler. A new study of 3- and 5-year olds showed that kids overwhelmingly preferred the food in the McDonald's wrapper to its identical twin in the generic wrapper. I think I'm going to be sick now.

"This study demonstrates simply and elegantly that advertising literally brainwashes young children into a baseless preference for certain food products ... Children, it seems, literally do judge a food by its cover. And they prefer the cover they know."

Does this tell us anything we don't already know? Advertising works. That's why they do it. McDonald's rots the brain even when you don't eat it. Of course, most of the kids in the study admitted to eating McDonald's "food" (I'll use the term loosely) more than once a week, and most had McDonald's toys at home. So they are quite familiar with the golden arches.

I'm guessing though that even kids like mine who eat mostly at home and don't see much TV have, by osmosis, the same branding preferences as the kids in the study. It's pervasive and inescapable. I think we'll be doing a little experiment soon to find out.

McDonald's New Advertising Message to Kids: Get Active

ChagHolland — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 17:45:00 GMT

McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner recently stated that his company will not curb advertising to children. Instead, McDonald's will encourage kids to jump rope, juggle, and participate in other forms of exercise.

I wrote last week that if a company can legally sell an item to a certain demographic, then that company should be able to advertise to that demographic, so I'm all for Skinner's decision not to decrease advertising to children. Removing fast food advertisements will not keep kids from eating burgers. We don't allow cigarette advertisements on television. How's that working out?

McDonald's is trying to offer healthier alternatives to children. Kids can substitute apple slices, albeit with caramel dipping sauce, for french fries. Kids can also order milk or apple juice instead of Coke. Creating advertisements that will hopefully get more children interested in exercise is a commendable next step.

Fast food advertisements that target children will not be going away anytime soon. At least McDonald's is moving in the right direction. With McDonald's help, kids will learn to jump rope so they can work off all those calories from their Happy Meal!

Kid's TV Food Ads are Supposed to Improve, Sort Of

Karen Murphy — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 11:29:00 GMT

Yep, lots of people want to blame the fat-kid problem on junk food ads on TV, and the jury's still out on that one. But meanwhile, eleven of the U.S.'s biggest kid's food advertisers have agreed to new standards of the products they advertise.

Sounds good in theory, doesn't it?

But the reality is a bit, well, watered down. For instance, Campbell's will advertise its low-sodium soup as opposed to regular old chicken-noodle. Trix won't advertise until it changes its formula (WHAT?? Mess with Trix?!! Sacrilege!). And McDonald's will still advertise, of course. Only it will be for kid's meals limited to 600 calories or fewer. So kids can still see junk food, only, what, in smaller portions? Reduced-fat? Couldn't we just have ads that didn't actually feature any junk food? Or is that too much to ask?

Yeah. I know the answer to that one. But consider this: will the new initiative cause more marketers to actually change their products or will they simply spend less on kid's advertising and spend their dollars elsewhere? A Nickelodeon spokesman predicted their financial impact from loss of advertising revenue based on the new standards would be “a non-issue” because most products advertised already fit the criteria have plans for reformulation.

So like I said, the changes won't amount to much in practice. Oh well.

Breaking Story: 4-Year Old Calls 911 Nearly 300 Times

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 20:27:00 GMT

A preschooler in suburban Chicago may be just a tad over-prepared for alerting authorities to an emergency. Especially when that emergency involves a Happy Meal.

Police finally tracked down a four-year old in Carpentersville, Illinois who was repeatedly dialing up 911 on a deactivated cell phone. Because dead cell phones must still be able to connect through to the emergency number, the girl was able to reach dispatchers 287 times last month. When authorities could only pinpoint the caller to the building and not the apartment where she was living, they hatched a brilliant plan to lure the girl into revealing her address: They asked her what she wanted (score one for the IL-Po!).

And then, like every sensible four-year old I know, she answered "McDonalds." So police offered to deliver it to her. She gave up her address, and like a classic Law & Order sting, they arrived at her door, informed her mother of the incessant calling who then took the cell phone away. The real sting is that they didn't bother to bring the small fry a small fry when they busted her. But you just know the real ending to this story was when one officer turned to the other as they headed back to the car and said, "Dude, an apple pie does sound kinda tasty, doesn't it?"

Shrek Continues Health Campaign With...Happy Meals?

Patti — Sat, 19 May 2007 19:35:00 GMT

If you were shaking your head when you found out that the US Department of Health and Human Services had enlisted Shrek as a mascot, you'll be rolling your eyes right out of their sockets when you hear about how Shrek and McDonald's are teaming up to promote "healthy" Happy Meals. Shrek and his pals are pushing the items that McDonalds has added over the years as a sop to the pressure they've been under for marketing such garbage to families—the apple slices (with corn syrupalicious caramel dip), the water, the so-called-chicken nuggets.

This week I played hardcore investigative journalist, and I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and ordered four Happy Meals (two for my kids, two for Strollerderby blogger Alisyn's kids). I'm happy to report that despite reports to the contrary, Happy Meals are still utter shite. Nobody forced apples on me or even offered them; I was able to obtain fries with no problems. And the milk was not only chocolate, but the plastic bottles had a special Shrek label on it. And the straws were also Shrek-green. And the toys talk, and in fact, one of them burps. See the lengths I'll go to in order to get to the bottom of things?

You're welcome.

Fast Food Joints Get Healthier, So You Don't Have to Feel (As) Bad

Alisyn — Wed, 02 May 2007 15:01:00 GMT

Did you know that Burger King recently announced that it was only going to buy and serve humanely raised and slaughtered animals? Me either. Did you know that KFC and Taco Bell recently followed through on their promise to eliminate trans fats from their menus? Me either! But I know it's good news.

Quick-serve chains around the country—from McDonald's to Subway to Chick-Fil-A to Starbucks—are finally paying attention to what scientists and health experts have been saying for years: that you don't have to sacrifice taste for nutrition. First they got rid of that horrible styrofoam packaging, then they started serving grilled chicken sandwiches and salads (some even serve veggie burgers!), and now they're kicking trans fats to the curb. Fast food is getting positively modern! Can serving serving antibiotic/hormone-free meat and dairy be next? (Fingers crossed.)

I am not above feeding my kids fast food from time to time, but if a healthier option were as quick and convenient as the McDonald's drive-thru, I'd gladly go out of my way to grab it (I'm thinking Whole Foods needed a drive-thru, like, yesterday.) I try to pick the healthiest fast food options, but that's not enough to make me feel good about eating there. So it's good to know everyone from Ronald McDonald to The King is thinking about how to change that. The will is there —now they just need to find the way.

(Via Quick Serve Kids, a fabulous parenting blog for "guiding kids through the fast food world.")

Happy Meals Now Come with McCondoms

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 21:58:00 GMT

OK, so McDonalds might be going a little overboard with this new health kick it's on. First it was healthier Happy Meals. And now it's condoms in the Happy Meals? I'm all for safe sex, but for 7-year-olds? What was McDonalds thinking?

A New Zealand grandmother found a condom in her 7-year-old charge's kids meal and was none too pleased -- although they never did say whether it was used or not, but knowing those Fry Guys, I bet it was. Still, it's nice to see they're at least being safe. Nowadays.

Asked for comment about the obvious prank, Ronald McDonald quickly said, "Ice skating. That's all we did. I swear!"

McDonalds to Make Happy Meals Happier ... for Parents

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 20:28:00 GMT

I can remember the exact day -- the exact moment -- I finished my first Big Mac. I had been trying for years but could never master the enormous burger -- let alone get my wimpy, kid-sized fingers around the thing. I felt a sense of accomplishment then -- and though this probably provides too much of a window into how pathetic and simple I was, there was also a sense of pride. Along with pain. Lots and lots of pain.

Now, I look back and think, "Holy Jebus, man! How many Big Macs did I eat!"

Despite the fact that I was practically nursed on milk shakes and french fries, I have vowed never to take my daughter to McDonalds. Despite the fact I was never obese or unhealthy as a kid, and the only lasting results from all that gluttonous fast-food consumption as a child is a gag-reflex revulsion to it today, I have decided the food is just too fatty, just too unhealthy for the over-parenting health bubble I have created.

It's a vow I know I'll break sooner or later.

Thankfully McDonalds is working to create healthier Happy Meals -- which probably just means fewer chemical-laced plastic toys, but still, they're trying. At least that's what I'm going to tell myself when Emmeline sidles up to her own enormous Big Mac, licks her lips and tries to conquer the beast -- while I sit back and watch with a wistful smile, thinking, "Sweet! Now I don't have to cook dinner!"

The Judgment! The Judgment! Call Me Attachment Parent & Die

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 22:13:00 GMT

As discussed earlier today on Babble there are quite a few people who equate the book "Babywise" with torture, withholding food, and even spanking. Setting limits, it seems, is tantamount to withholding love. Most sentient and sane adults would agree that spanking a chid is not an effective method of teaching discipline. I would heartily agree with the well-articulated argument against such silliness.

But it's the self-righteousness of many advocates for attachment parenting that sticks in my craw. An example: "I nursed my daughter until she was 3.5 and then only stopped because her brother was due for an appearance. Both of them and their older brother I carried around in a sling, slept with, rocked, sang to, stayed up with all night if I had to, and fed when they were hungry."

With all due respect, what is one to make of such statements? I am currently struggling with weaning my twenty-month old. Am I to conclude that by attempting to do this, expressly against her grasping wishes, I'm withholding love? Being a less-than-perfect parent?

I think that is the conclusion implied.

I used "Babywise" with my infant twins. I didn't 'torture' them, I merely tried to cut myself a little slack. If, by waiting two minutes before picking them up, I was encouraging self-soothing, was I Attila the Hun? Was 'parent directed feeding' a rigid torture device? Not at all. What it meant, in my case, was that the twins ate every 2 -3 hours instead of every 15 minutes, once they were three months old.

You know why I boycott La Leche League and shy away from the baby-wearing legions filling local parks? Because of the judgment.

Surprisingly, my Mormon in-laws have never judged me for my choices, it has always been the attachment parenting babes I run into around my hippie town. And I know not everyone who believes in breastfeeding on demand and family beds is judgmental, but I can't take that chance.

Isn't motherhood and life itself hard enough without competing for Most Perfect Holy Organic Mother of the Universe?

Give me a cranky, sassy, strict bedtime mommy any day of the week. At least she accepts me for who I am and sees that my love for my children is deep and constant, even though I let them eat at McDonald's.

Colorado McDonald's Bans Unruly Teens For Acting Like...Teens

Stefania Pomponi Butler (CityMama) — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 14:02:00 GMT

Quick Serve Kids (one of my bloggy faves) reports that a Greeley, Colorado McDonald's has banned rowdy local high schoolers from its restaurant until they can "act like respectful adults." Target date for re-opening its doors to the unruly youths: the Twelfth of Never.

McDonald's managers are sick of the fractious teenagers' repeated vandalization of their establishment. Their antics include such teen classics as: turning off the water to the restaurant, cutting holes in walls, and man-handling pregnant women.

When asked his thoughts about being banned from Mickey D's, a Greeley teenager responded, "Waaaaaaaaaiiiit...Whaaaa-? There's a band at McDonald's, brah? Is it Daughtry? Duuude, you better tell me or I will beat you so hard..."

Kids Are Never Too Sick For A Double-Cheeseburger

Dad Gone Mad — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 13:00:00 GMT

We all know that fast food joints are purveyors of the most disgusting, shit-infested slop around. That's why I was so shocked by this article, which tell us that more than 20% of the nation's children's hospitals have welcomed fast food restaurants into their lobbies. According to the story, at least 59 of the nation's 250 children's hospitals have fast-food restaurants. McDonald's, the Adolf Hitler of nutrition, is in 30 U.S. hospitals.

If 17 percent of U.S. children are considered obese, and if that obesity is at least partially related to "heavy consumption of calorie-laden fatty fast food," what possible justification could there be for bringing that shit into a hospital for children? Furthermore, sick kids need nutrition to get better. How well are the hospitals treating these poor little guys if they are implicitly telling them, "Yeah, eat as much of that crap as you like. Hell, go ahead and Super-Size it if you want to."

But there is even a more disturbing dimension to this story. By permitting fast food restaurants to exist in a bona fide medical environment, hospitals deliver the message to their patients that eating shit-infested burgers and fried schnauzer tacos is a perfectly healthy diet. After all, they wouldn't put something dangerous to our health in a children's hospital, would they? Would they?

Julie Pesch, a spokeshole for Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago, said the hospital chose to install a McDonald's many years ago as a special treat for sick kids going through difficult treatment. That, dear lady, is utter horseshit. You did it for the cash.

[NOTE: Post edited to remove...um, delicate references. - Editor]