Strollerderby : mothers and daughters

Playdate: Breastfeeding Bonds for Better Mom-Kid Relationships?

JeanneSager — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:32:00 GMT

I've read a lot more blogs since I took over the "What They're Babbling About" section for Strollerderby, and Breastfeeding Moms Unite! was sent my way via a "friend" on Twitter.

Not afraid to take on some of the bigger breastfeeding topics, it's worth a read anytime. But one post in particular caught my attention this week.

She asks women today if they were breasted . . . and how their relationships are with their mothers.

It's nothing scientific, and she makes clear she's not actually attributing her lack of a perfect relationship with her mother to her mom's decision NOT to breastfeed. Why then, I wondered, did she even bring it up?

Curiosity, it sounds like. And it is interesting to ponder - although entirely inconclusive. I was breastfed until just shy of the year mark. So was my brother. Neither of us has a terribly great relationship with our mother (his is better than mine). I tried breastfeeding and failed at it, and I would like to think a good relationship with my daughter is possible - at least something akin to what we have now. (I asked my husband, by the way, if he was breastfed, and he had no idea - and his mom breastfed into the toddler stage).

What's bothered me most about so many pro-breastfeeding mantras isn't the idea that breastfeeding is good for kids (because it is!) but the idea that it promotes better bonding between mother and child. Do they bond? Certainly. But better bonding? Isn't that a little subjective? A little "well, my kid loves me best?"

Because, try as we might, as parents, we can't control the feelings of our kids or the personalities of our kids. Some parents and children have horrible relationships because of bonds during childhood that were TOO tightly woven (think helicopter parenting), others clash because they as people are simply too alike. There's also the mere fact that as human beings, we all relate differently to one another.

Our own personalities as parents are distinctly different. Our personalities mesh differently with our different kids. I know some readers will take this as an attack on breastfeeding, so again, please understand, I think breastfeeding is a wonderful thing for women who do it (and something every woman should try to do). But reading through the comments on the BMU site, I pondered once again how much pressure we are putting on one small part of childhood to solve life's problems.

Take this comment: "Had I been weaned as an infant, I’m not sure I would have maintained that physical closeness with my mom. She let me breastfeed as long and as often as I needed or wanted, and I do feel that that contributed to my feeling that she was always available to me, throughout my life."

That's just one opinion, but it struck me as a perfect example of the attempts to make breastfeeding into a panacea. God forbid her mother stopped at, say one year, perfectly acceptable according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, and just showered her with love, affection and a roof over her head, clothes on her back? That wouldn't be enough to retain a sense of physical closeness with her?

As one friend said when I mentioned the idea of breastfeeding in childhood in relation to an adult mother/child relationship, sometimes mothers are unhappy breastfeeders, women who did it because they knew it was best for their child's health, but end up resenting their children for a miserable eight, ten, twelve months. She posited her own mother probably had post partum depression and was not a happy breastfeeder. Today, they have a stilted relationship.

The best benefit of having a mother who breastfed? Besides the health benefits we got if we were breastfed? In my mind it's the positive role model, the knowledge that someone we know did it and made it work. If we're lucky, when it comes time to breastfeed, we have a good enough relationship with that woman (our mother) to turn to her for advice on how to proceed ourselves.

But if a mom wasn't breastfed, will it make or break her relationship? Take this comment over at the BMU site and ponder it. I think it answers it quite nicely: "You may simply be posing the question of whether or not breastfeeding can make a significant impact on mother-daughter relationships but I believe the answer has long been apparent in the relationships between women and adopted daughters."

Image: EcoStreet

Why It's Not Too Late to Say What You Should Have Said . . .

JeanneSager — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:49:00 GMT

I was not the mom who sat down and wrote out her feelings during her pregnancy in a record book for her child to look back on twenty-one years down the line. Thank God - I was a miserable pregnant woman.

But almost four years on, reading a host of letters from mothers to daughters in the Times of London, I decided maybe it's time. Before the pre-teen hormones set in and my daughter and I are at odds with each other. Before she starts slamming doors and I start debating whether my gray hair is from age or stress.

The letters are not strictly mother to daughter; there's aunt to niece in there, along with memories of advice given by mothers long ago. But it's hard to read them without wanting to write something, anything, that will one day be read and bring the happy sort of tears to my daughter's eyes that these letters written by strangers brought to mine.

Because these are the true keepsakes - not the huge scrapbooks some parents spend hours every week perfecting (more power to you honey, but that's just not me). We all have a letter somewhere, written by someone special at some time - a note from a high school boyfriend in his chicken scratch handwriting, a carefully penned missive from one grandparent to another. They talk about the lost art of handwriting, and it's true - I hardly see e-mails printed out and kept in a closet somewhere. Letters though, they last.

And so, while I hope to be very much alive when my own daughter is twenty-one, I think it's time I write a letter . . . or maybe two or three. In my own chicken scratch. About the girl she is and the girl I know she'll be. The girl I love today and will love even more tomorrow.

Go read the letters at the Times . . . then go write your own.

Image:

Teen Attacked by Mom Over Hidden Pregnancy

JeanneSager — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:54:00 GMT

I would love to be the Dad from Juno. I'll tell you right now. I wouldn't be. I'd be the tempted-to-smack-my-kid parent if my teenage daughter waltzed into the house and dropped that kind of bomb. The difference between me and the mother of a Detroit teenager who is now in protective custody? I said tempted.

It's one of the worries that comes with parenting a girl; as sexist as that may be. Parents worry about their daughters getting pregnant. They worry about their sons crashing a car. And the failure earlier this month of California's (oft over-looked of late) Prop 4 ballot measure that would have required doctors to contact a teen's parents before providing her with an abortion, pointed to more parents' admission that their kids' futures are out of their hands once the sperm hits the egg.

But it doesn't mean parents are making it any easier on their kids. In the Detroit case, the girl initially told police she'd discovered the newborn when a cat pulled at a trash bag in the garbage near her home. She later admitted she was afraid of her mother's reaction to the truth - and with good reason. The mother is facing assault charges after allegedly beating the girl for concealing her pregnancy. The girl and her baby are in the hands of protective services.

Her daughter's future really is out of her hands now. Or maybe it was before the girl got pregnant? Because teens are going to have sex, and unfortunately, on occasion, that sex will lead to pregnancy. But the parent whose kid is that scared of telling her parents that she's got a baby on the way probably hasn't had a frank discussion about much with Mom and Dad in recent years. It seems like a mom who reacts to a daughter's dilemma with her fists is setting herself up to be disappointed somewhere down the line.

Image: Amazon

Journalist Suing for Sperm-Donor Dad's Identity

The Trouble with Safe Haven Laws: Some Thoughts for National Adoption Month

$7M Book Deal: More Rope for Sarah Palin to Hang Herself With?

Baby Boys Are (Allegedly) a Bummer

Jen Chaney — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:32:00 GMT

If you recently gave birth to a boy, you run a higher risk of getting postpartum depression. Why? Well, for starters boys require more energy. Also, women are narcissists who would prefer to have little mini-me daughters. Lastly, little boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. And snails are kinda slimy.

All right, so maybe I am oversimplifying this MSN article, which notes a recent study in France that implies mothers of small boys are indeed more likely to become depressed. However, the research was done solely on French moms and, as we already know, they are usually drunk or hopped up on nicotine. (Kidding, kidding). The story also points out that said research focused on only 17 women, which doesn't exactly represent a wide swath of the population.

However skewed these results might be, they did get me to thinking about whether women really do secretly long for little girls. I will admit that I had hoped for a daughter, either because a. I am a narcissist or b. because I think girls' clothes tend to be cuter. But once I knew I was having a boy -- and certainly once the little guy arrived -- I fully embraced him and don't think I was any more or less depressed because of it.

I've also had conversations with many moms who happily raise nothing but boys and, in some cases, even express relief about avoiding all the messiness of the mother-daughter relationship. So I ask you, Moms and Dads: Do you secretly wish you had a child of the same gender? And how has being a mother to a boy or a father to a girl enriched (or depressed) your life?

P.S. Narcissistic responses to this post are encouraged. I would have noted this before but I was too busy staring at myself in the mirror and imagining what a girl-baby version of me would look like.

Photo: shindigs.co.uk

7-Year-Old Girl Puts Herself Between Mom and Bullets

Kelly Mills — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 16:33:00 GMT

Hey, it's time to get weepy with the Derby. See, sometimes as parents we can barely write about the stuff in the news because we use up too many tissues and risk electrocution from tears on our laptops. But let's give it a go anyway: Selitha Parker dated Calvin Tillie for a few months before breaking it off. But Tillie kept calling and bothering Parker, and on December 2, when Parker and her 7-year-old daughter Alexis Goggins climbed into the SUV of a friend on the way to the friend's mom's birthday party, Tillie jumped into the backseat of the vehicle next to Alexis. He pulled a gun and forced them to drive around, until the friend convinced Tillie she needed to stop for gas and called 911 with the station attendant.

When she and the attendant heard shots they ran back to the vehicle, and saw Alexis curled up under the steering wheel in a pool of blood. She had leaped from the backseat to the front seat, shielding her mother with her body, saying, "Don't hurt my mother!" Six bullets hit Alexis, piercing her eye and striking her jaw and chin. She was blinded in that eye, and has undergone three operations since the shooting. Parker was struck with two slugs, and while seriously wounded, she was well enough to be released from the hospital a few days later. Tillie was arrested at the scene.

Parker said, "My baby is just an angel to her mother. I thought as the mother, I'd be saving my child. I never thought my daughter would be saving me." At Alexis' special education classroom at school (she has learning disabilities, suffered a stroke before age 1 and has epilepsy) classmates named a stuffed toy "Hero" and put it in her seat because they didn't want her chair to remain empty. Her teacher showed off her recent progress in writing letters in a journal. Parker's cousin said, "I know she can do it. There's no stopping Alexis. It may take her a little longer now because of this. But she is a fighter."

Feel free to sob without restraint.

Associated Press photo by Carlos Osorio

New Reality Show Taints Mother-Daughter Activities Everywhere Forever

Kelly Mills — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 00:08:00 GMT

Forget sack races and girls outings and mommy-and-me music classes: The CW network has just killed the sweet, innocent joy in every mom-and-girl activity by taking the most grotesque thing ever and televising it. Tonight is the premiere of Crowned. Mom and daughter teams live in a house, hiss at the other family units, and compete in--ta da!--a mother-daughter beauty pageant. Because beauty pageants and stage moms and women who fairly panic about losing their looks aren't nearly sad enough on their own: We have to see a combination, and then some. As Jessica said, "I just can't wait for the stretch mark montage where the moms cry about how their 'badges of honor' have all been worth it now that their daughters are anorexic and compulsive exercisers with tiaras and sceptors and then the daughters cry about how they hope they never get stretch marks like their moms even though their moms are like, otherwise, totally awesomely cool people." Sure enough.

In case you were wondering what the critics think of the show, please check out Jezebel's neat round-up of the unanimous barfing this show induced. I like what the LA Times said: "If any of the negotiating members of the Writers Guild and studio alliance are reading this, I'm begging: Please return to the bargaining table and end this strike. Because the CW's Crowned: The Mother of All Beauty Pageants debuts tonight and I'm telling you, as a television consumer and a human being, the center will not hold." It's a good reminder that there's cheesy, awful reality shows that are fun to watch, and wretched, nauseating reality shows that just necessitate a shower and a lobotomy.

Television Moms and Daughters You Know and Love

Kelly Mills — Sat, 12 May 2007 20:34:00 GMT

BuzzSugar compiled a list of the most memorable television mother-daughter pairings ever. I sort of wonder if Mike and BuzzSugar have formed some unholy alliance, because Lorelai and Rory Gilmore top the list. The Cosby Show and Beverly Hills, 90210 get nods, as does one of my favorite shows of all time: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When Joyce died... Whoa, hold on a second, I've got something in my eye...

I prefer some of the other duos mentioned, like Sophia and Dorothy from Golden Girls, because I love the zany-mom and sane-daughter combination. But my choice for very best mother-daughter team on television ever didn't even get mentioned. I vote for (drumroll): Edina and Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous.

Saffy is prudish, bookish, and constantly humiliated by her mother. Edina is, well, all kinds of effed up. She's a drunk, petulant, narcissistic creep who couldn't rouse herself to a maternal feeling if her life depended on it. The result is a nice role reversal, with a mom who never grows up and a daughter who is annoyingly old beyond her years. Hilarious. It's the whole reason I lovingly call my daughter, "sweetie-darling". No other television familial combo even comes close to the painfully wicked humor of that relationship. So there, Rory and Lorelai.

Mother and Daughter Give Birth Minutes Apart

Karen Murphy — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 12:04:00 GMT

Yeeah. I admit, I'm a bit skeeved by this. An Ohio mother and her daughter gave birth to their respective babies just minutes apart last week, in the same hospital. Maybe it's just me, but this seems a little weird, though of course entirely possible for probably a lot of moms and daughters. Still, would you want your mom to have a baby that's the same age as yours? Or would you want the same thing from your daughter?

And what about the kids? Does it ever stop being weird (or funny, depending on how you look at it) pointing at a kid your age and your size and saying, "Oh, he's my nephew"?

Or...maybe it's just another really close family who won't mind the potentiality for weird? What do you think? Is this weird, or is it a lovely blending of the generations?

Strollerderby : mothers and daughters

Playdate: Breastfeeding Bonds for Better Mom-Kid Relationships?

Mom Uses Breastfeeding as Weapon in Custody Battle

Get Their Pee Away from Me

Test Drive a Car for Mom - Fight Breast Cancer

Breastfeeding Debates: Just a Tempest in a Sippy Cup?

Why It's Not Too Late to Say What You Should Have Said . . .

Babble Talk: Why Preschool is NOT a Scam

When a Trusted Pediatrician Loses His License

Back to the Third Grade for This 71-Year-Old

Mamas Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to Drink and Party