Strollerderby : mothers and sons

A Mother Stalks Her Young Son’s Crush

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:00:00 GMT

“He did not linger long enough for me to squash him completely into myself….”

The above is not, unfortunately, a sentence from a soft core porn novel. It is an excerpt from a New York Times essay in which a mother describes her obsessive, jealous, and blind love for her nine-year-old son. Thanks to Jezebel for directing me to this gem of a Modern Love piece.

The only thing creepier than the essay’s title—“The Tiny Hand that Robs the Cradle”—is the fact that this tiny hand belongs to a third grader who has a crush on the author’s son. Somebody call a family therapist, stat.

Kate Krautkramer is a teacher at her son Sarvis’ school. When she learns that one of his classmates has scrawled “I ‘heart’ Sarvis” in the bathroom stall, she completely loses her mind. In hopes of discovering the identity of this “little vixen” who was so unforgivably bold as to publicly proclaim an interest in her little boy, the jealous mother turns first to the principal, then to her son’s female classmates, who all “acted innocent in their double braids tied with impossibly pink ribbons.”

With no leads, Krautkramer takes to using the bathroom stall with the Sarvis graffiti every single day. She leans her body against her son’s name and traces the heart with her hand. She comforts herself with the thought that “Graffiti Girl,” as Kautkramer derisively terms her son’s classmate, “didn’t know Sarvis the way I knew Sarvis, no matter what the bathroom wall proclaimed.” But she also torments herself with thoughts of one of Sarvis’s nine-year-old peers “turning her 18-inch hips just so for the very first time, or taking a try at batting her lashes.”

I understand that there is irony at work in this essay. Yet no amount of irony can take away the extreme mortification the author’s son will have to withstand for the rest of his life, now that his mother has publicly confessed not only to having Oedipal urges that would make Freud blush, but also to being clinically insane.

Besides, the irony frequently gives way to disturbingly honest reflection: “I knew it was only an innocent crush, yet I truly lamented that some little girl was pushing my boy into a vaguely sexual consciousness.” Actually, neither Sarvis nor his classmate are displaying any "sexual consciousness." They’re just kids. The mother is the one who sexualizes youth by referring to the girls’ “tiny blue jeans and frilly tops,” and by describing Sarvis’s hair as “brown ringlets” that “hung in heart-stopping whorls down his neck.”

If Kautkramer’s goal is to make sure that her son never marries (or goes on a date), mission accomplished. No girl in her right mind would ever put up with this woman as a mother-in-law.

Photo: New York Times

5 Ways To Prevent Drunken Douchebaggery in Your Boy

Amy Kuras — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:02:00 GMT

We all knew them in our younger days: the guys whose bodies were expertly crafted by Budweiser and yet who referred to any girl over 100 pounds as a "fat chick," who targeted dorky guys and quiet girls, who were always "that drunk asshole."

If you've got a boy and half a brain, you really, really don’t want your son to turn into That Guy. The fabulous ladies over at Jezebel have a great piece up, beautifully titled "5 Ways to Prevent your Son from Turning Into a Date-Rapey Alcoholic Douchebag."

The biggest thing, of course, is teaching him to treat himself and his fellow humans –male and female –with respect.

Help him understand the odds of injury when overindulging, the dangers of ending up alcoholic and that peers don’t always have the right idea –like that girls only like guys who act like assholes (okay, some of us were stupid but wised up sooner rather than later). Know his friends –if they are douches, chances are he will be acting like one too the minute he's out of your sight.

And most importantly – stay in touch when he goes away to school.

I like the article, but it rocks even harder because it was a response to a Newsweek piece about warning daughters about alcohol before they go away to school, including warning them about how drunkenness raises your chances of date rape. As one of the commenters over at Jezebel said "That's not the alcohol's fault, dude."

So much attention is given to girls and their need to control their sexuality, to not "send the wrong message." And while girls certainly need to be aware that the nice guy filling their drink at a party might just not have their best interests at heart, guys need to be equally as aware that rape is rape and it doesn’t matter how drunk or slutty the girl in question might be. While yes, our girls need "the talk" about relationships, self-respect and how to behave, so do our boys.

Famous Sons and Their Moms

Madeline Holler — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Is there anything more beautiful than pictures of mothers and their grown sons? Well, that depends on how much mother/son facework they've had done.

Here's a great rundown of some moms and their famous big boys. Shield your eyes from the Stallones! Harsh, very harsh.

I'll leave you with a few of my faves. I love it when grown men look like their moms! Or, as in the case of the Depps, when they have similar hairstyles.

Photos: bestpicsaround.com

Baby Boys Are (Allegedly) a Bummer

Jen Chaney — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:32:00 GMT

If you recently gave birth to a boy, you run a higher risk of getting postpartum depression. Why? Well, for starters boys require more energy. Also, women are narcissists who would prefer to have little mini-me daughters. Lastly, little boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. And snails are kinda slimy.

All right, so maybe I am oversimplifying this MSN article, which notes a recent study in France that implies mothers of small boys are indeed more likely to become depressed. However, the research was done solely on French moms and, as we already know, they are usually drunk or hopped up on nicotine. (Kidding, kidding). The story also points out that said research focused on only 17 women, which doesn't exactly represent a wide swath of the population.

However skewed these results might be, they did get me to thinking about whether women really do secretly long for little girls. I will admit that I had hoped for a daughter, either because a. I am a narcissist or b. because I think girls' clothes tend to be cuter. But once I knew I was having a boy -- and certainly once the little guy arrived -- I fully embraced him and don't think I was any more or less depressed because of it.

I've also had conversations with many moms who happily raise nothing but boys and, in some cases, even express relief about avoiding all the messiness of the mother-daughter relationship. So I ask you, Moms and Dads: Do you secretly wish you had a child of the same gender? And how has being a mother to a boy or a father to a girl enriched (or depressed) your life?

P.S. Narcissistic responses to this post are encouraged. I would have noted this before but I was too busy staring at myself in the mirror and imagining what a girl-baby version of me would look like.

Photo: shindigs.co.uk