Strollerderby : naming the baby

Did You Give Your Son a Criminal's Name?

Madeline Holler — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:26:00 GMT

I KNEW we should have gone with Michael!

My husband and I had protracted discussions on what we should name our new son. We went with Earl (shut up, it's cute!) for many reasons, including the fact that it wasn't super common. But according to the science, or maybe crazy science, we've predisposed the boy to criminal behavior.

A University of Pennsylvania study argues that boys with unpopular names may be more likely to break the law.

From Live Science (via The Daily Beast):

Results show that, regardless of race, juveniles with unpopular names are more likely to engage in criminal activity. The least popular names were associated with juvenile delinquency among both blacks and whites. ...

While the names are likely not the cause of crime, the researchers argue that "they are connected to factors that increase the tendency to commit crime, such as a disadvantaged home environment, residence in a county with low socioeconomic status, and households run by one parent."

"Also, adolescents with unpopular names may be more prone to crime because they are treated differently by their peers, making it more difficult for them to form relationships," according to a statement released by the journal's publisher. "Juveniles with unpopular names may also act out because they consciously or unconsciously dislike their names."

Earl, despite your future life of crime, Mommy will always love you. And totally blame herself for your actions.

Photo: iohachi.com

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Last-Minute Baby Namers

Madeline Holler — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:07:00 GMT

I'll admit, I've never had an appreciation for parents who wait "to meet" their child before figuring out the kid's name.

I've also had less than charitable thoughts about those parents so convinced they were having a boy that they didn't have a girl's name for back up, or vice versa. Just in case. Especially if the only thing confirming the baby's gender was some kind of wedding-ring-dangled-over-a-belly trick and not, you know, a DNA sample or an ultrasound.

Of course, all my judginess has come back to bite me. I'm hours/days/a couple of weeks (?) away from giving birth for a third time. And if it's a boy (we don't know, but apparently I'm "carrying low"), we're totally screwed.

I thought we had it all figured out until last night and, indeed, if it's a girl, we're set. But I had been wavering on our chosen boy middle name and thought I'd go over it one last time with the husband. I rattled off the name.

"Sure, it's fine," my husband said.

"Fine? The middle name ... or the first name?" I asked.

"Both. They're both OK," he said.

Just OK?

"They're OK," he repeated."The names are fiiiiiine."

My husband is content with giving his son an "OK" name, a "fine" name?

"But you picked that name ... and now you're just fine with it?" I accused/clarified. "Is 'fine' good enough for our son?"

"Sure."

Sure?

We hunkered down at his laptop and started the search, again. Hadn't we already done this months ago?

In hour two of the frantic search, I made the unfortunate mistake of suggesting we draw from his Polish heritage. Maybe we'd get some better-than-fine ideas.

So we Googled a Polish baby names site. Suddenly, he's doing that kind of jazz hands/name-in-lights gesture saying, "Vlodek! We'll name him Vlodek!"

On second thought, "fine" is good enough for me. Or what the hell: let's wait to meet the baby. Because surely you don't look at a newborn and think, "Vlodek, my son, my beautiful baby Vlodek."

Right?

Were you a last-minute baby namer? (Got any leftovers?) And what's the deal with naming the third child? The first two were sooooo easy!

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Photo: yeahbaby.com

Controversy: Challenging The Patriarchy

Amy S.F. Lutz — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 12:33:00 GMT

I thought Adrienne's post on the name issue as it pertains to marriage and children was incredibly interesting - it's something that I've thought a lot about. I took my husband's last name about three years after our wedding - basically because I finally reached the conclusion that no, the whole Amy Fisher/Joey Buttofuoco thing was never going to go away.

So, while I understand why many readers, like Courtney, took their husbands' names "so that we could both share a last name with our kids," my sympathies are definitely more in alignment with women like Laura, who noted that she kept her maiden name because she "just didn't see any reason to change it."

The question of what to name the kids when both parents have different last names is definitely a thorny one. I was impressed to read that Miss Chris and Alisa gave their children their last names instead of their husbands', which seemed to be what most women do in this situation. Susannah's daughter has a hyphenated last name, which may have been what inspired anonymous2 to object, "hyphenating the children's names works for one generation, but then what happens when Mary Smith-Jones grows up and marries John Murray Clark? Kids named Smith-Jones-Murray-Clark?"

Well, anonymous2, I have the solution - one which incorporates the names of both parents, creates both a matriarchal and patriarchal line of descent, and restricts the number of names any given child can have to two.

In my ideal world, when a couple would get married, the husband, wife and all their children would have both names. So, for example, my husband and I would be Andy and Amy Fisher-Lutz. Now, say my daughter, Erika Fisher-Lutz, ends up marrying my dear friend's son, who (in this world) would have his own hyphenated name, Andrew Burns-Scoggins. Well, under my plan, daughters would carry their mothers' names to the new union, and sons would carry their fathers' names. So Erika and Andrew would become the Fisher-Scogginses. If my son Aaron scandalously married this same friend's daughter, Hannah (a whole six years older than he!), they would be Hannah and Aaron Burns-Lutz.

I love this plan, not only because I came up with it, but because it is a truly egalitarian option that embraces the family history of both parents. But, since I couldn't even convince my own husband to try to start this trend with me, I don't see it taking off any time soon!

Popular Baby Names By State, City ... and Hospital!

Madeline Holler — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:02:00 GMT

Mommy found a new way to waste her time! And she wants you to waste your time too!

Baby Namescape is an aggregator of popular baby names that shows the 10 most popular in your state, your city and -- get this -- the hospital where your baby may be (or have been) born!

Watch the hours drain from your day as you plug in the variables.

Feel the smug satisfaction that neither your boy OR girl names placed in the Top 10 of the popular city hospitals. (You must not be going with Jacob.)

You're a baby-branding ... uh, I mean naming ... genius as you outwit all other mothers in the tri-state area. Afterall, your daughter won't suffer the fate of a million grown-up Jennifers and Amys in school, in town, anywhere, ever.

So while the nation names its girls Ava and Madison, California calls her daughters Isabella or Emily, and at Lutheran Medical in Brooklyn, they're going with Ashley and Samantha.

So pre-admitted families of Danbury Hospital in Connecticut, are you sure about Sophia? And no, Abigail is not going to work out as a back-up plan.

Photo: adbusters.org

(Grey's) Anatomy of a Baby Naming Trend

Madeline Holler — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 23:04:00 GMT

What kind of embarrassing is it when you realize that you named your kid after a TV character? Because nobody does that on purpose, right? It’s TV. It’s fleeting. It’s getting canceled next season. Nobody actually says, “We’re naming her Olivia. We’re big fans of Law & Order SVU!”

So all you parents of an Addison under the age of 2, tell me: where’d you come up with that name? ABC Thursdays, 9 p.m./8 central? That’s what I thought, you Grey’s Anatomy automatons! Well, prepare yourselves for cast reunions at your weekly playgroups, because your Addison is going to be fighting over crayons with a lot of Baileys, Izzys (Izzies?), Callies and Jacksons.

The fastest rising baby names in 2007 have some kind of connection to Grey’s Anatomy and its stars, according to Baby Center. Let’s start with Addison, the name of a hot OB/Gyn who was spun off onto her own series Private Practice. She jumped 20 spots in the name rankings to land in the Top 10 names.

And Isobel, the character played by Katherine Heigl, moves an average of six spots a year since the show’s launch in 2005.

Bailey, the name of the no-nonsense doctor with a heart of gold, was the fastest rising, jumping 39 spots.

Callie, new to the Top 100 list, is, don’t you know, the name of Dr. Torres on the show.

Over in the land of boys, Jackson jumped 10 spots and is now in the Top 10. Who’s Jackson on the show? Well, this is where Baby Center’s arguments for the show’s influence gets tenuous.

They say: Actor Justin Chambers (who plays Dr. Alex Karev) has a daughter named Isabella and a son named Jackson.

You know, I’ve been in the baby name business for at least seven years now and let me tell you, I’ve met enough pre-2005 Jackson’s to fully staff a city hospital starting in the year 2020.

While I’m at it, there has always been at least one Isobel in every park too – though rather than Izzie, the pre-2005 nom de play of choice was always Bella.

So maybe Grey’s Anatomy isn’t as influential on names as the website argues. Maybe … maybe! … writers for Grey’s Anatomy’s pilot went to a kid's birthday party in 2002 and named the characters after the guests who brought the best presents.

Now, tell me. Why did you name your baby Isobel?

Hello. I Love You. Won't You Tell Me What To Name My Child?

makeitadouble — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:08:00 GMT

There is a recent ~~scam~~ movement affecting the agonizing plight of parents as they struggle to find the perfect name for their bundle of joy and it is the use of Baby Name Consultants. These ~~crooks~~ consultants sometimes charge overwhelmed parents up to $450 to tell them whether the names they have chosen are too hot, too cold, too hard, too lumpy or just right.

Well, put those check books away and cancel that $300 half-hour call to that Numerologist you found on Craigslist because I am about to provide you with the down-to-earth honest answers those so-called professional consultants never would for the low low price of FREE!

After conferring with my fellow authors, baby-namers, and Kenny Rogers enthusiasts here at Strollerderby I have assembled a simple checklist that will hopefully provide you with the guidance you need to bestow upon your child a fitting name that will not result in a lifetime of ridicule, playground ass-whoopins’or of repeating lines like “No, it’s with two Z’s and a Q. Yes a Q. It’s a silent Q.”

Amy wants parents to just stop it with the "ayden" names. Just. Stop. It. Brayden, Cayden Hayden...the trend is OVAH.
Amy also offers the legal angle by suggesting use of the Supreme Court Justice test. “Supreme Court Justice Apple Martin just doesn’t sound right.”
Put your hands together for another suggestion from Amy called The Stripper Test “If you could picture your child's name being used by a stripper of either gender it’s back to the drawing board.”
Karen reminds you to make sure a child's name can’t be adapted to sound like a bodily function. (See Carter, Martin, Missy, Grommet, Sydney Stone) Also check what your kid's initials spell “It was too late when I realized my youngest’s name spells EWW.”
Please Please Please, implores Karen and Madeline splashing Holy Water at a passing school bus, take Kaitlyn away and all her evil incarnations.
Kelly decries lunch and mythology by insisting you do not name your child after a sandwich or a Greek hero who fucked his/her parent to which Karen added “Isn't a Greek hero also a sandwich” Yes it is Karen so don’t name your child Gyro.
Rhyming is also a no-no says Kelly so do not give them a name that rhymes with your last name. (See Nathan Gathen)
From inside her Hazmat suit Redsy reminded us never to name a child after a major illness or nerve gas “Seriously, I met a girl named Sarin once.” (see also Soman and Tabun)
Jessica discounts vitamin C, swatches and sports figures in one breath, “Fuck the fruit, fabric and professional athlete names” (See Pomegranate, Naugahyde, and Vick)
Make a choice advises Madeline. You only get one fashionable name per child. So, no Emma Ava or Jack Brody or Kaitlyn/Katelyn/Kaytlen Taylor (See number 5)
Jim Henson be damned but don’t name your child after famous TV Puppets (See Alf, Kermit and George W. Bush)
Germaphobes beware, kids should never named after a cleaning product (see Pinesol, Mrclean, and Fantastik)
Globally responsible Peace Corp types need not apply, never use a third world country as a name (see Seychelles, Burkina Faso and Canada)
We know you loved The Matrix Trilogy but avoid naming your baby after a city from a science fiction movie (see Zion)
You love Sportscenter, that’s fine but don’t select a television network as a name (See Espn, Spice, Lifetime)
Into Gadgets? Cool. Your child is not a gadget. No technology inspired names (see iPhone, Dot Matrix, Blakberri)
Show no emotion when it comes to naming (see Hatred, Apathy, Happiness)
Hey wasn’t the album “…And Justice For All” awesome? Maybe we should name the baby after the band? Maybe you shouldn’t. No Rock Bands (see Metallica, Megadeth, Nirvana)
Shhhh…What’s that sound? Oh we were just calling our son for dinner. No Onomatopoeias (see Buzz, Whack, Crash, Meow, Neigh, Vroom)
I’d like to buy a vowel and some commonsense Pat? Avoid phonetic spellings of popular names, adding superfluous letters just for shits and giggles or mashing together two names to make one. (See Dylon Micheal, Bretlyn)
Unless you are feminie hygiene product, a candle manufacturer or a crayon rethink using descriptions of nature for a name (see Summer Sky, Autumn Night, Winter Snow, Forest Green, Summer’s Eve)

Hopefully this list will be helpful to you as you are deciding on a name for your baby, but if it for some reason only complicates matters perhaps you should just give up trying and name the child a symbol or maybe the Child Formerly known as Autumn Sullivan Corbett Fitzsimmons Jeffries Hart Burns Johnson Willard Dempsey Tunney Schmeling Sharkey Carnera Baer Braddock Louis Charles Walcott Marciano Patterson Johansson Liston Clay Frazier Foreman Brown.

Would You Name Your Kid After Tigger?

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 15:57:00 GMT

The first time I heard it, I thought it was an isolated incident -- one crazy parent holding tight to a love affair with feral animals.

"Coyote," she said, "You have to share with the other children."

I half expected the kid to skip sharing and go straight to scavenging. But this was in San Francisco. As far as children's names go, I'd heard worse.

Then on a trip to a local museum, I ran across another little boy who let me know this wasn't an isolated incident, this wasn't one veterinarian parent looking to reconnect with her animal roots by going to the Mutual of Omaha for name ideas. This was a trend. Kids are being named after wild animals. And not cool wild animals either, like 'Possum or Beetle.

The boy's name was Jaguar. Coyote and Jaguar.

What animal names have you heard double as children's names? I'm dying for more.

"Naming the Baby" - John and Jamie Buckle Under the Pressure

Alisyn — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 14:10:00 GMT

They've hit a nerve among parents, and they know it, so Chris Henchy, Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and the rest of the guys behind the web video sensation, Funny or Die, are kicking the parenting parodies into high gear. The latest comes in the form of "Naming the Baby," which chronicles a night in the lives of an expectant couple driven to the bottle and the blow by the pressure of naming their unborn child, and the generations-old challenge of putting that goddamn crib together.

Jump here to feel better about yourself as a parent.

And praise the powers that be for Funny or Die - it's like an inside joke that we're all actually in on! Feels good, doesn't it?