Strollerderby : parenting advice

Married vs. Single Moms: Who's Got it Easier?

Madeline Holler — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:04:00 GMT

One could hardly envy a single mother if she's struggling emotionally or financially. But what about single mothers who are doing fine? Have you ever found yourself thinking she's lucky? She has it so much better -- so much easier -- than the married mothers out there?

Over at Motherlode blog in the NY Times, Lisa Belkin asked: which is easier, parenting alone or with a partner?

She pulls from a few other blogs and Katie Kowalski, of the Orlando Sentinel, had this argument in favor of being a single mom:

I like that no one complains when I leave my sweaty workout clothes on the bathroom floor overnight, or that no one cares when I decide that it’s going to be cereal for dinner (again). Some might call that a lack of accountability on my part — but hey, don’t we all do better work when someone isn’t looking over our shoulder?

I already have a bossy little girl who demands that I sing the Tigger song 100 times a day, and who regularly bullies me out of my breakfast. The last thing I need is a man who needs…. well, anything that takes effort on my part.

That may be how relationships work for Kowalski, but I would argue some partners may be better than others. Feeling watched and/or burdened by one's other half does make a good case for building a family of just mom and the kids.

That aside, I'll admit I've envied some single moms. Shared custody, to my tired eyes, has its benefits. Namely, visitation! Those nights/weeks/weekends/summers where the kids pack off to live in their other home. Ahhhh, sleep. Ahhhh, benders. Ahhhh, French fries and mayonnaise for dinner.

Perhaps I'm oversimplifying the matter.

Anyway, let's hear it. Single moms? Are you secretly (or openly) relieved to be the only one in charge? Any smug marrieds secretly (no, really, secretly!) jealous of your single-mom/dad friends?

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City's 5th Co-Sleeping Death in 10 Weeks Reported

Madeline Holler — Mon, 18 May 2009 21:29:00 GMT

Milwaukee authorities are blaming the death of yet another baby on co-sleeping. In 10 weeks, five babies have died during the night while sleeping out of a crib.

Meekel McCleave was just two months old when her mother, who had also co-slept with her other children, woke up and found the small newborn face down. Public health officials are once again decrying the practice of co-sleeping, precisely because of outcomes like this.

The death of these five babies is a complete tragedy -- sad, heartbreaking and avoidable. But what gets me, an experienced co-sleeper, is that co-sleeping is taking the blame and getting the headlines in these deaths. But a closer look sheds a little more light.

In Meekel's case, a medical examiner's report indicates the baby was found face-down on an adult-size pillow. That's hardly safe co-sleeping. And face down? The baby was two months old. What two month old can roll over? Just based on the information in the article, there was a lot going wrong in that family bed, though Meekel's mom disputes the pillow situation.

What about the other four cases? Here, read for yourself:

On March 8, 6-day old Ceianna Buchanan died while sleeping on a couch with her mother. The mother admitted to police she got drunk the night before.

On April 5, 3-month old Kymarius Hunt died sleeping on a couch with his grandmother. She later admitted to drinking 8 beers.

On April 19, 2-month old Tyler Winston died sharing a bed with his mother.

On April 25, 6-week old Demetrius Kimble died sleeping in bed with both parents. His mother admitted to drinking prior to falling asleep.

So, drunk, drunk, unknown and drunk.

Was co-sleeping the problem in any or all of these cases? Or was it booze and/or unsafe situations.

For many families, co-sleeping is the one way everybody gets sleep. And done safely, it's safe! But what is safe co-sleeping? For one, no drugs or drinking. For another, no babies on or near pillows. And also, don't sleep with babies on a couch or in chairs. How about an information campaign about that, instead of just saying, "no, don't do it"?

I mean, my motive isn't just to defend the practice of co-sleeping. I don't want to learn of any more kids dying as a result of some stupid form of it.

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They Say: Today's Kids are Rude, Here's Why

Madeline Holler — Wed, 06 May 2009 18:27:00 GMT

Here's the argument: today's kids, so coddled by parents who prize a sizable self-esteem above all else, are turning into rude, self-absorbed little jerks who not only don't take "no" for answer, they've never actually encountered the word.

Yes, that sounds about right.

A reporter on MSNBC writes that experts say kids these days are ruder than ever and that it's our fault, we Gen Xers, who were so benignly neglected that we now over-compensate as parents by co-sleeping and baby-wearing and opting out. And that we're so fixated on our children's well-being that we wind up teaching them that other people's feelings are less important than our own, that kids should first make sure they feel good, then (if ever) worry about others.

An expert:

“I see parents ferociously advocating for their children, responding with hostility to anyone they perceive as getting in the child's way — from a person whose dog snuffles inquiringly at a baby in a carriage, to a teacher or coach whom they perceive is slighting their child, to a poor, hapless doctor who cannot cure the common cold,” says [Dr. Philippa] Gordon, [a long-time pediatrician in Park Slope, Brooklyn, an urban New York neighborhood famous for its dense Gen-X parent population]. “There is a feeling that anything interfering with their kid's homeostasis, as they see it, is an inappropriate behavior to be fended off sharply.”

Such parents might be surprised to learn how uncorrelated self-esteem and performance are.

But, another argues, we Gen Xers come by it honestly, since we, according to another expert, are some of the most neglected kids in history. We're apparently healing our wounds through our intensive parenting. Our kids will have what we didn't: demonstrated love and protection.

Another expert lets us off the hook, though. She says that today's culture celebrates negative behaviors and goes on to finger American Idol judges and Bratz dolls as examples of mainstream meanness.

I would have to agree that parents these days can be a little screwed up when it comes to their kids. For example, why didn't the mother whose school-aged boy was chasing other kids with poop on a stick tell him to stop and remind him that poop-on-a-stick is disgusting? I also didn't appreciate the mom who brought her son over and said "he loves to explore," when my husband and I stood stunned that the little explorer was back in our bedroom going through the closet. Huh?

But I'm sure some mom has included me in the "rude kids" pile. I'm verrrrry passive when it comes to kids under 2 years old sharing toys. I know that, developmentally, sharing makes no sense to them. So I tend to tell my under-twos to share, watch them not share, and then get the other kid something else to play with and roll my eyes at said other kid's parent, hoping she'll understand. She usually does.

Also, my stubborn, hair-trigger four-year-old gets so many passes, not because I worry about the fragility of her self-esteem, but because I worry about the fragility of my last nerve. But we don't tolerate kicking seats on airplanes (unless the person in front has leaned back all the way ... that passenger is on his own), or snarky talk to grown-ups. We do table manners. We play to win at Old Maid. We also expect the kids to listen to their teachers and other parents.

We'd like our kids to have a healthy self-esteem, but we're not interested in narcissistic little tyrants. And I say this as a very benignly neglected, latch-key GenXer parent.

Do you think kids these days are rude? (Not yours, of course!) Do you blame culture at all or are parents too permissive? Too focused on their spirited little genius?

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Dads Don't Babysit

editors — Wed, 06 May 2009 14:17:00 GMT

Today on Babble:

Dads Don't Babysit

by Jeanne Sager

Taking care of our kid doesn't make him a saint--it makes him a parent.

Read it here.

If You Had a Parenting Do-Over

JeanneSager — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:01:00 GMT

I love "what if" questions - much to my husband's chagrin. So I decided I wouldn't discuss the recent Wall Street Journal piece about parenting do-overs with him. I'd just share it with all of you!

Aren't you lucky? Oh, come on!

Rachel Emma Silverman over at The Juggle says she finds herself thinking "about all the things I’d do differently if I eventually have more children."

So now it's time for the big confession: I do to. And I KNOW I'm not having any more children. But since hindsight's twenty/twenty and all that jazz, I can't help looking back at the early days of my daughter's life and wanting to smack myself a bit.

A taste:

So you were told never to wake a sleeping baby? Someone please tell the nurses at the hospital where I delivered. Because I was waking that kid every two hours to attempt nursing . . . even at 2 a.m. No wonder I never slept.
Worried less that I was going to drop her. Carrying my friend's baby in a football hold recently, I realized I NEVER would have been that carefree with my daughter, and why not?
Throw out the pre-treatment laundry formulas. She was a spit-up queen, and most of the onesies got chucked in the garbage anyway. Or made really good rags.
Not let my in-laws stay at my house that first week. Sorry guys - but I was stressed enough without visitors living in my house, hiding away from the father-in-law trying to nurse, etc.

I have plenty more, but I want to hear from you all - what would you "do over?"

Image: WSJ

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Nursery University: An Exclusive Clip from the Preschool Film!

editors — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:25:00 GMT

Marc Simon’s

How far would you go to get your child into a good school? Nursery University, Marc Simon and Matthew Makar's documentary about the hyper-competitive admissions process in New York City, follows five families as they go through the cut-throat process of — wait for it — preschool admissions. Watch the drama unfold in this exclusive teaser from the film. And lest you think this only happens in NYC, check out Babble's essay about preschool hysteria in the 'burbs.

Smackdown: Boob Nazis - Is Breastfeeding that Big A Deal? NO!

Cole Gamble — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:00:00 GMT

By now you’re probably thinking, “Why are two DUDES arguing the merits of breastfeeding? Where do they get off?!” Well, here’s where I get off (that sounds weird): I offered to tackle this subject with any of the ladies at Strollerderby and they were all too scared. The ladies were too scared to argue about breastfeeding. That’s why, for better or worse, you’ve got Brett and me. What would we know about it? We have children and wives who birthed them, don’t we? We were first hand throughout the breastfeeding process and we did the research right along with our partners. So, I’m gonna say we’re qualified.

My biggest beef with some of the breastfeeding advocates is guilt. I’m not a big fan of guilt as a motivator and I’m even less of a fan of fear tactics. You know, like that pro-breastfeeding commercial that had a heavily pregnant woman thrown from a mechanical bull—equating that with not breastfeeding. I’ve also got no love for bullying, as in the La Leche League member who met my wife at a party and upon learning breastfeeding didn’t work for my wife, ended the conversation, turned on a dime and proceeded to belittle my wife throughout the rest of the party. (This woman is still breastfeeding her 5-year-old. Let that sink in)

But my appeal here won’t be emotional. That’s too easy. I’m gonna give you the facts. The cold hard facts that boob pushers and breast bullies obfuscate or completely deny.

1) Mastitis. An inflammation of the mammary gland occurring in lactating mothers. Nipple can get infected and turn into an abscess that must be surgically removed. Although this can occur in non-breastfeeding women, it’s more likely in breast feeders.

2) The Psychological Benefits are False. The conventional wisdom was breastfeeding led to a more focused, less hyperactive child adept at forming peer relations. However, an exhaustive study recently proved these assumptions wrong. Experts and laymen presumed that the constant physical closeness involved with breastfeeding would do all kinds of psychological wonders. Nope.

3) B-Milk in the Bottle is Just as Good. Some women can’t get their kids to latch. Some women simply don’t like the feeling of breast feeding. No problem, just pump a bit of that magic elixir and give it to junior via bottle. Not only is there no shame in it, but now that we know the physical act of breast feeding comes with no special benefits, the bottle is more acceptable than ever.

4) Where’s the D? This news is hot off the presses: there is insufficient vitamin D in breast milk. A lack of vitamin D can lead to rickets. So, if you breast feed, your kid will become a pirate.

5) You Should Never Do Anything Just Because of Peer Pressure. Like I said above, breast feeding is a choice. If you want to get a little breast milk to your kid but can’t or don’t want the suckling, that’s your business. And if you don’t want to do it at all, you are not abusing your child.

The Other Side and More BF articles:

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4 Ways to Be a Better Parent

Cole Gamble — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Personally, I don’t have the cojones to suggest the 4 best ways to be a great parent. My parenting style is more of a slow motion car crash type. Charlene at Shine, however, has a suggested these 4 parenting tips and she may have just nailed it.

According to Charlene:

Lighten up. It's pretty easy to get into that cranky rut when your kids are running around and you know they know they shouldn't be playing tag in the house or tossing baseballs around in their bedroom. Or your teenager is listening to Motley Crue's "Shout at the Devil" for the 1,000th time at top volume. (Sorry, momentary personal flashback). Before you get angry, before you utter a sentence that begins with, "Stop," "No," "Don't," "Can't," take a deep breath, take in the moment, and lighten up. Take the game of tag outside and join in the fun. Ask your kid turn the tunes down a notch with a dose of humor. You're always a parent, but it doesn't have to be chore.

Let it go. The laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming. Unless you're living amongst dust donkeys under a pit of dishes, let something go. Repeat after me. Let. It. Go. When your kids asks you for help or to do a puzzle, instead of saying "Just a sec, I need to clean the [insert household activity]," go hang out with them. Put away the BlackBerry at the park. Close the laptop in the kitchen. You'll always have household chores and work to do, but how many amazing moments will you choose to miss because of them?

Listen. This is the tough one. Instead of preparing your monologue about how much trouble your kid is in, listen to him. Truly listen. Also? Listen to your little kids playing in another room and be amazed when they create imaginary worlds. Listen to your kids and their friends when you're driving on field trips or they're at your house hanging out. Listen to the chatter between siblings before they go to sleep. You will find yourself smiling and smirking with their banter.

Laugh. Often. Laughter is contagious. Use it to your advantage.

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Mom Shoplifts Parenting Book With Kids in Tow

JeanneSager — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:29:00 GMT

So, you want to know how to be a "great mom?" You could drop some dough on a book called 101 Ways to be a Great Mom. Or you could take your kids out shoplifting and get yourself the five finger discount!

Decisions, decisions.

An Ohio mom has been accused of taking her two kids out to the local Dollar General with their daddy and shoving a parenting book in her pocket before waltzing out the door.

Police say Callie Rough also stashed wash cloths, hand towels and a small rug while her partner, James Rogers, allegedly stole a package of garbage bags. Confronted by store employees, Rough allegedly refused to let them search her oversized purse, instead running to the back of the store and emptying it herself. On the way out, employees said she threw more purloined items at them before the whole family made a run for it.

Police found both Rough and Rogers had active warrants against them, and placed them under arrest. Dad was charged with receiving stolen property, Mom with theft.

And 101 Ways to be a Great Mom? That was confiscated. But I see a sequel in the works - Rule #102, don't take your kids with you on your shoplifting trips.

Image: Amazon

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Move Over, Dr. Spock!

Kate Tuttle — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:28:00 GMT

I can't be the only one who watched Bravo's The Real Housewives of New York in open-mouthed shock and awe, especially when seeing wannabe-socialite Alex McCord (the one who was married to the faux-accent Simon von Somthing) trot out her bizzarely poorly-behaved son. So it's with even more pleasure that I read today of her plans to write an advice book for parents. According to the New York Post, the book won't be about discipline (thank goodness, as the woman's kids were shown ruining nearly every social event they attended), but about classic jet-set parenting issues such as "getting a passport before you have a birth certificate."

What about getting a book contract in the mail along with your birth certificate? That seems to be the wave of the future, what with the trend in celebrity (and faux celebrity) parenting books hitting the stores at an alarming rate. Nobody would suggest that being famous should disqualify someone from writing about parenting, but in what universe does it qualify you? (Particularly if your only publicly displayed mothering chops involve giving your children fanciful Eurotrash names and trying to pimp them out into whatever swanky preschool will have them.) In a world that sees far too many parents opting to ignore even the incredibly helpful and wonderful parenting books out there -- I'm looking at you, Penelope Leach -- why on earth should anyone buy a book from this know-nothing social climber?

No word yet on when the book will come out, or who the ghost writer will be. But if you're the type of parent who yearns to speak French to your toddlers, even if you don't know it yourself, or drill them with flashcards to prove their brilliance while encouraging them to run screaming through a dinner party, I know you'll keep space available for it on your Amazon wish list.

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Parenting Books as Presents? Um, No.

Amy Kuras — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 21:28:00 GMT

It’s almost Christmas, and, my fellow mothers, what are you hoping for under the tree?

I can guarantee you, the answer is almost definitely NOT “a big bunch of parenting books, thanks!” I mean really – first of all, books in general are a bad gift for your average parent because who has time to read? It takes me two days to get through a decent magazine and I never, but never, manage to get though my library hauls without renewing at least one book at least once.

Secondly, buying someone a parenting book is dangerous, dangerous ground. If you’re the recipient’s co-parent, it’s unsexy, to say the least, and says “I used to think you were interesting enough to pair off with – now, I see you as Mama or Daddy.” If you’re a friend, family member and especially an in-law of any stripe, just don’t do it. It will not be taken well. Even if the book in question changed your life and you want to share it with the world, do not go there.

What touched this off? Well, this NPR story which was headlined “Moms Want Parenting Books for Christmas.”

No we DON’T.

It’s actually a roundup of the contributor’s favorite parenting books, and while a couple seem like they’d be a good read – Leonard Pitts’ book on African-American fathers and Meredith Small’s book on cultural difference in parenting, just for starters – at gift time, I want something that acknowledges I am a person for whom “mom” is but one part of my identity.

The Best Parenting Advice EVER

Kelly Mills — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 13:13:00 GMT

A while back I went to a baby shower, and the host had everyone write down their best advice on parenting for the expectant couple in an album. When it was my turn to come up with some pearls, I paused. The truth was that the very best pieces of advice were rarely about whether or not to co-sleep or use a pacifier (um, for the baby, yo) or wait an extra year for kindergarten, though those are topics of much anxiety for parents. And the top words of wisdom I got almost never came from books or the doctor or even my closest people. Parenting is funny that way. You depend on the kindness of strangers for very general and life-saving stuff.

Now one of my closest friends is about to have a baby any day now (on her own, too---she got tired of waiting for a suitable life partner and knew she wanted kids) and I thought I'd again ask people I don't know for something helpful. Here's the best advice I got. Then you offer what worked for you, and we can share it with my friend.

1. It gets easier. When my baby was six weeks old and I was almost googling orphanages, I made a bleary trek to the grocery store. I must have looked like holy crap, because a woman I'd never met whispered to me: "It gets easier." "When?" I asked desparately, my eyes filling with tears. She thought for a moment, and said, "Two months. Then again at six months. Then again at a year..." She was right.

2. Along those lines, new parents should cry as much as they want. Now is not the time for stoicism. Basically the job of the new parent is to keep the baby and themselves alive, and that means you sleep whenever you can, you eat whatever you want, you drink tons of water, you live in a messy house, and you cry as much as you like. All of these work best when you have sympathetic people around, and the weeping thing lets people know you need help. I got this gem when I was in the emergency room three days postpartum with a horrible bladder infection. I began sobbing, and the nurse told me not to cry. From the curtained bed next to mine, a woman yelled, "Don't you tell her that! Honey, cry as much as you want. When I had a newborn I wept constantly." I don't even know what she looks like, but that woman was an angel.

3. Kids behave badly when they are going through a developmental phase. I tell everyone this, and I don't even know where I got it, but it's the best thing I know. Just when my child has been the devil for a month and a half and I'm sure I have really screwed up because I am raising a monster, she abruptly changes back into her sweet self and has some new skill to show for it. Crawling, walking, talking, social skills, reading...All were preceded by hell.

4. You probably won't know what to do until it happens. Plan all you want for how you'll teach your child to stand up to bullies, and then watch as your kid turns out to be more likely to pick on others. Choose a preschool when your kid is an infant, then realize your particular child is probably going to do better in a small home-based daycare. Vow to never use a pacifier. End up using a pacifier. Hey, most of what we do is on the fly, so it's best to just be flexible.

5. Lead by example, especially when you screw up. Because you will, you'll probably yell or realize you have been ignoring your kid or say something unkind and wish you could take it back. But think of this: Your kid is on a baseball team. They are a sucky player, they refuse to pracice, and then they drop the ball during a key moment. Do you tell them, "You stink, you aren't fit to be a player, you are screwing up baseball forever"? I sure hope not. Instead, you tell them to just do their best, to move on and have fun. Some of my finest moments have come after I messed up royally and lost it with my kid. I say I'm sorry, I practice doing it differently, I learn from it, and I just move on and do my best.

That last one I learned from my kid. Hey, now please, hit me with your best stuff.

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Five Things You Thought You'd Never Do To Your Kid

Kelly Mills — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:01:00 GMT

Pre-child, I was righteous. I believed that while parenting was hard, I was going to manage to conduct myself well at least the majority of the time. Ha. Ha. Ha. Now I know that I'm more likely to high-five myself on very rare occasions of almost accidental successful parenting, than to reflect every night on my serene and superior mom-skills. And the list of things I thought I'd never do and still find myself doing? It is very long. Here's just five. Maybe you've done some of these as well.

1. Lying to the kid. Oh, gonna be honest all the time, right? Mmm hmm. Let's see, there's the lies because the truth would hurt ("You do have a lovely singing voice"); the ones about things I can't control ("I swear, no one in your class will throw up today, now get dressed for school!"); and the just plain self-serving stuff ("No, that isn't chocolate, it's mama's medicine.") If my nose grew, I'd be poking the Olympians in Beijing with it right now.

2. Yelling, throwing stuff, and generally losing it. Because I have a pretty firm grip on my temper, I believed I'd have this one in the bag. But who knew I could get so angry at my kid, even when she was a baby? There's nothing like a little sleep-deprivation and a ton of stress and some well-timed whining to help you see the darkest sides of your personality. Good times.

3. Feeding her crap food. I've found that this one varies from person to person, but I doubt many of us imagined we'd simply wipe an apple off on our shirt after it fell to the floor and hand it back to the child, let alone serve boxed mac and cheese five nights in a row. And yet, my child has sampled all kinds of bad-for-you things on occasions when expediency trumped nutrition. I've held the line on fast food, but basically that's just holding up the bank at gunpoint but leaving forty bucks in the till.

4. Making hollow threats. I am a real firm believer in consistency, and I try to cash the checks I make with my mouth. But I've totally done this when I made a threat I didn't want to keep. "If you don't stop, we are leaving the pool right away." Yeah, except for the fact that we carpooled with two other people. And you aren't stopping the behavior. Ooops. Point goes to kid, mama miffs the serve.

5. Talking about things I shouldn't in front of the child. Whether it's a frustrated moment of disparaging someone, or mentioning a friend's not-yet-public pregnancy to a friend with my kid in earshot, I've sometimes fooled myself into thinking she can't hear or won't understand. Ha. Children hear everything and understand twenty times more than we think. And I'm not even talking about the pre-verbal baby stage, because I still catch myself doing this today. And when it leads to an awkward conversation when my child blurts out the tidbit later, I have no one to blame but myself. Parenting is grand like that.

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They Say: Co-Sleeping Kills Kids

Madeline Holler — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:03:00 GMT

Officials in Los Angeles County are warning parents that co-sleeping is a "potentially lethal act."

So are car-riding, grape-eating and breathing the county's lead-rich air, but no mention of those in the same report, which was issued by the Los Angeles County Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect.

The report claimed that 44 children died from co-sleeping in the county in 2006, a 76 percent increase over the previous year. The defined co-sleeping as the practice of the sleeping in the same bed, couch or chair with an infant.

Unfortunately, those statistics don't tell us exactly how many of those deaths were in a couch or chair -- something even ardent supporters of co-sleeping agree is super risky. They also don't tell us how many of those involved a co-sleeping adult who had gone to bed drunk or on drugs.

I don't think co-sleeping is for everyone, but it was definitely for me and my babies. We were smart about it -- daddy slept elsewhere after a night of heavy drinking, for example. But we also didn't use any of the contraptions out there -- sidecar, crib-on-a-bed, stuff like that. Just cut back on bedding and pillows, that's all.

What's got me extra bugged about this report, is the agency it comes out of. The Council on Child Abuse and Neglect? Who knew I we'd fall in the demographic for THAT?

So what do you think about co-sleeping? Did you do it? Was it scary? Could you have survived without it?

Photo: babyart.org

When You Can’t Stand Your Sibling’s Parenting Style

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:36:00 GMT

Today a friend of mine called me to ask advice about how, if at all, to deal with the fact that her brother’s parenting style was seriously tainting her enjoyment of auntie-hood. A lot of us have been there: you love your brother and you love his kids. You’re just a bit concerned that your beloved brother is spoiling your beloved nephew rotten. It’s no easier to be on the other side of a parental clash with a sibling, dealing with a big sister who thinks you could use a lot of unsolicited advice. “You mean you let him eat food that’s not organic?!” Or: “Just give him some chocolate milk and turn on Baby Einstein. That always kept my Steve quiet.”

As this blog on parentdish.com points out, the general rule of thumb with friends is to not give parenting advice unless it’s asked for. But with our siblings, it’s not as clear cut. Not only do we feel more comfortable insulting everything from their freakishly pronounced widow’s peaks to their over-reliance on fleece (kidding, sister!), but their children are our flesh and blood. And their families will always be, hopefully, closely intertwined with our own.

So must you grin and bear it if all sweets are outlawed at family gatherings to cater to your sister’s sugar-free kids? And what about more delicate issues, such as circumcision and breastfeeding? As someone who has very clear beliefs on both of these topics, it would be difficult for me to silently watch my sister make decisions I didn’t agree with. And yet, the fact remains that we don’t get to decide how other people raise their children—no matter how many times we may have stuffed dirty socks in that other person’s mouth throughout our childhood.

Is it ever okay to critique the way a sibling raises his or her kids? Has anyone had to deal with a sibling who’s a know-it-all parent or felt competitive with a sibling about who’s the “better parent”?

Photo: www.siennamilner.com

Are Dads 'Nice' For Acting Like Parents?

Madeline Holler — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 22:28:00 GMT

A blogger mom over at Slate's XX Factor is in a twist about one of the central tensions inside the Mommy Wars: the role of fathers.

The Slate blogger, Melinda Henneberger, transcribes a conversation between her -- a mom who works at home -- and another woman, whom she calls, quite carefully, a non-salaried mom.

Non-salaried Mom says Hennberger's husband is "nice" for agreeing to pick up the kids since Henneberger was bogged down and on deadline the day of the conversation.

From Slate:

N: Well that's awfully nice of him. I hate for him to have to do that.

M: It's not nice; he's their dad.

N: But, you can't come?

Henneberger asks when this conversation will change. The transcription feels truncated and we don't know the nature of the two moms' relationship, so it's difficult to answer her question. But I assume she means to ask when people will stop thinking a dad is nice for being a parent or else start thinking of moms as being nice whenever they pick kids up from school.

My guess is the conversation will change when Henneberger's husband picks the kids up even when she's not on deadline.

Badass Japanese Mom

Madeline Holler — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 17:13:00 GMT

Tough talk from a badass 44-year-old Japanese mom:

"I wanted to show my children that if you give up, then you're washed up!"

Kazumi Izaki has been recently named Japan's oldest professional boxer. She was officially certified despite the fact that she is 12 years older than that country's boxing federation normally allows. She made it

The mother of two daughters, 21 and 14, and former aerobics instructor laced up a pair of boxing gloves for the first time back in 2001. She replaces a 46-year-old Japanese man as the country's oldest pro boxer after he declined to renew his license. I guess he's washed up.

PhotoS: (Not Izaki) tribuneindia.com; AFP/Getty Image via Yahoo.com

A Drug To Control Your Children

Cole Gamble — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 23:59:00 GMT

The new drug is called ObayÔ and it’s the key to taking that independent thought your kid’s been developing and nipping it in the bud. This revolutionary product is a gift from our northern friends the Canadians. People keep telling me the drugs are better in Canada. And by “people” I mean nobody. Nonetheless, whether you’re an arthritic granny or just a frat boy looking to stock up for rush week, you know that Canada is one stop shopping for your cheap, no-prescription-necessary pharmaceuticals. But now those Canadians have knocked one out of the park by inventing a drug that will turn your kid into a Stepford child.

At least that’s what this series of advertisements wants you to believe. Clearly this is a spoof on drug ads, played as straight-faced as possible. As far as viral marketing goes, this is a subtle one, and it’s not apparent yet what the creators are driving at. Is it an anti-pharmaceutical campaign? This much is known: Colleges Ontario, an advocacy organization representing twenty-four colleges across the province, is the source and they plan on revealing their next wave in the campaign soon. Which means, sadly, Tom Cruise, isn’t behind it.

Photo: www.flickr.com

Kids Learn To Lie By Watching You

Kelly Mills — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:06:00 GMT

There's an interesting article in New York magazine on lying. While parents cite honesty as the trait they want most in their kids, there's a few set-ups that encourage telling tales and denying facts. The author notes that children observe our socially polite "white lies" and essentially get the lesson, "It's okay to lie to avoid hurting others," which they then extend to stuff like telling us falsehoods about their activities to spare our feelings. There's also an interesting discussion of how teens perceive open conflict with parents as bringing them closer to the 'rents, while parents view it as destructive. You can see how this difference in perspective might encourage kids to at least withhold information. Even tattling gets the spotlight: We essentially punish kids for being honest about someone else's behavior, and send the message that we don't care about their problems.

But are all lies created equal, and are all liars just doing what they learned by watching you? You could take certain parenting lessons from the article (which I recommend you read, it's too much to summarize here) like the value of having less rules, but both enforcing them and explaining why they are in existence; avoiding setting children up to lie (asking "Did you do that?" when you know full well they did); and recognizing that protestations of rules are an opportunity for discussion, not defiance of authority. I would add that it might help to soften the value judgement on lying, and recognize that dishonesty both requires creativity and intelligence (as mentioned in the article) and that catching your kids in a lie might be a sign they are protecting your feelings too much. And showing kids that making mistakes is normal and expected is probably valuable in the pursuit of truth as well.

But I think truth is often not as simple as "Did you kick your sister?" There's honesty in recognizing your own motives and feelings, almost independent of other people, though it influences those interactions. For example, what we call stoicism could be seen as a kind of lying at times. And frankly, I also wonder how much dishonesty can be solely attributed to modeled behavior and trial and error. My kid is almost frighteningly honest and direct, even when it would be in her best interests to lie (though I'd be curious to see if this behavior was consistent with other people as well.) I wouldn't say she got that from watching me, it seems more much innate to her. And that honesty can have social repurcussions as well, since she has to work harder to be gracious. Honestly? I guess I think it's pretty complicated.

Are Kids Today More Narcissistic?

Kelly Mills — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 22:01:00 GMT

There's a little debate raging among psychology researchers: Are kids today more narcissistic and self-centered than they were in the past? One side points to results from the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (a test designed to measure, well, guess) as evidence that this generation is both more conceited and more unhappy than people were in the past. They point to the emphasis on self-esteem building and the new technological avenues for self-promotion (like YouTube, Facebook) as part of an epidemic of kids who collectively say, "I'm all that." In fact, psych professor Jean Twenge has a book called "Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled — and More Miserable Than Ever Before" that summarizes this research, and many media outlets ate it up.

On the other side of the argument, researcher Kali H. Trzesniewski and colleagues will publish an article in Psychological Science "showing there have been very few changes in the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of youth over the last 30 years." They also cite evidence from that personality test, which some social scientists say fails to capture nuances in personality and therefore doesn't measure what it tries to measure. And many have pointing out that it is a favorite pastime of adults to bemoan the self-centeredness of the next generation.

Seems to me people haven't changed that much, and every generation or so there is some decrying of the current generation's parenting, with dire predictions as to how it will ruin the children of today. I like what Jeffrey Jensen Arnett says. He's publishing a critique of the Twenge book, and he comments, "It’s like a cottage industry of putting [young Americans] down and complaining about them and whining about why they don’t grow up." Yeah, young Americans, I say, "Alllllllright."

Strollerderby Playdate: Screwed Up Bad? You're Not Alone

Amy Kuras — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 16:17:00 GMT

The list of things that make me nuts is long and comprehensive, but near the top is smug hubris-filled jackholes who think their way is the only way and that we actually want or need to listen to their advice.

And ooohhhhh does the parenting corner of the Internet attract those people. Posting anything, anything at all on the Internet about your own parenting is a really good way to get told you're a horrible person who should have never had kids. And those are the nice commenters — anyone who's kept a blog or been on a message board has probably been the focus of a poorly spelled screed using insults like "stuped ideot". Because getting called a name by someone who can’t spell really hits a writer where they live.

Which is why I extra double super special love people who gleefully swap "You think YOU suck? Listen to what I did!" stories, who understand that if you can see the humor in this whole parenting sitch and realize we all make mistakes, we make life much much easier on ourselves and everyone else.

So my Playdate love this week goes to Finslippy, written by the lovely Alice Bradley. She asked readers to share their Bad Parent moments, and my oh my did people respond. She posted the best in this post, and still they just kept on coming. I may or may not have posted one myself. The stories are mostly hilarious, some are a little bit sad, and of course there was the requisite commenter who called everyone miserable human beings and didn't we realize we were ruining! our children's! precious and fleeting childhoods! and another commenter who just saw fit to post a link to attachmentparenting.org. Um, thanks?

Check it out. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you may even pee a little.

Parenting Lessons From Lynne Spears: How To Use Mama Blame

Kelly Mills — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 21:35:00 GMT

When adding a new technique to your parenting toolkit, it can be helpful to observe a masterful parent in action for tips on how to use the technique to full advantage. Today we are going to take a lesson from celebrity-mom Lynne Spears, parent to troubled Britney. Lynne shows us how to use self-blame, a time-honored tactic employed by moms for generations. Let's dissect Lynne's excellent use of this technique.

Lynne recently accepted responsibility for her wayward daughter's woes, saying, "“I blame myself...What mother wouldn’t?...I wish I’d been there more while she was touring. But I couldn’t be. I had the other kids to look after."

Bravo Lynne. Now note the key points: Lynne blames herself for her child's problems, thus deflecting critics who might make the same claim. However, please observe how she follows the statement with the assertion that of course the absence of her helpful guidance was the problem (not her stage-mommying) and that she couldn't be available because she was caring for other children. This is crucial: when taking the blame for your kid's faults, you must immediately make it clear that you would have done a better job but you actually couldn't because of circumstances and the fact that you were occupied with some reasonable pursuit. Never, ever accept responsibility unless you can soften it with an excuse as to why you aren't really responsible.

This tactic allows Lynne to keep ~~pimping~~ promoting her upcoming book, "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World," where she details how she dealt with the fame of her brood. She says it won't be a tell-all. Noooo, that might be, you know, exploitative.

Thanks, Lynne, for showing us how it's done.

The Seven REAL Signs Your Kid Loves You

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 23:21:00 GMT

It always makes me laugh to read articles like this one from Babycenter on the Seven Signs Your Child Loves You, detailing tangible behaviors in one handy little checklist for concerned parents to tuck into one of the twelve pockets in the top half of their mom jeans or the equally alarming over-pleated khaki dad version. Babycenter's signs were...well, fine. That is, if the "stares into your eyes/picks little flowers from the garden for you/throws tantrums/wants to eventually come home from grandma's house" quells your desperate worries. We parents at Strollerderby were not satisfied with the thoroughness of this tidy table, so we've thrown together a few more signs you will want to look for in assessing whether your kid loves you. Or at least if your child loves you more than their other parent/grandparent/nanny/babysitter/teacher/second cousin twice removed who sends stickers. Here;s our official formulation of parental child love:

Mike says his daughter shows an abundance of love by fetching "dad juice" from the fridge. Thank God she's finally walking since all that dragging clanky bottles while crawling is such a nuisance. He also says her bottle opening skills aren't quite there yet but with toddlers, its the the thought that counts.

Karen says kiddie love is directly proportional to the amount of bodily fluids they get on you. This is why I love Karen. As the mother of an extremely urpy child, I have concrete verification that I'll be adored forever. Or at least as long as we're 40,000 feet above ground or on a car trip that exceeds a half-hour. Sigh.

Madeline's just feeling bitter and ripped off to hear that other people's kids feel love. Awww, don't sweat it, Madeline. You can always have more kids to monitor closely for feelings of affection or even baseline tolerance of you and the hubs.

Kelly's daughter shows mommy that she loves her by engaging her in the fine art of macaroni necklace assembly. She's also quick to tally up adoration when she must have a new Bratz Doll or similar. Also, Kelly mentioned something braggy about pushing her baby out and then not throwing her colicky ass out the window, but if you know Kelly like we do, you know that simply another verbal major muscle group flex to remind us she's a blahblahpersonaltrainer-fitnessgurublahblah.

As for me, I will know my preschool really is crazy about me when he prepays for a three-year-long therapy package once he's out of high school and everything's official my fault for suffocating him with love, smooches and teeny tiny booty pinches. I will have to just trust in my smothering ways until then, or glean what I can from my obsessively-growing Beanie Baby collection.

Sure, there are parents who have legitimate concerns about whether their kid is healthfully showing developmentally-appropriate signs of love. And sure there are parents who need a table format to reassure them that their kid is pooping enough, eating enough, napping enough, parallel playing enough, acting out anger enough, watching enough crap TV and chugging the consumerist plastic and vibrating baby toy industry along enough, and apparently, loving enough. We've all been there in our most sleep-deprived and hug-starved moments. But surely, if the worry is real for either the parents or kids, someone with a wee bit more authority than Babycenter ought step in, right? And until then, let's keep the real signs rolling.

Time For Another "Over-Praising Kids" Piece (And My, You Do Look Lovely Today)

Kelly Mills — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 14:02:00 GMT

I'm losing count of how many times I've seen this story. Let me summarize in case you missed it. We praise our kids too much, which maybe makes them overconfident yet dependent on the praise reward instead of a sense of personal accomplishment and helpless in the face of difficulty. No one actually says how much praise is too much, just, you know, don't do it so much. And it turns out we might give the wrong kind of praise, and instead of saying "You are soooo smart Junior!" we should say, "You did a great job studying so hard for that spelling test." Follow?

Okay, here's my completely unscientific and slightly different take on the whole thing. I put myself in the praised position. Mmmm, feels good. Okay, so when someone is too effusive and too free with the compliments, I start taking them less seriously. And if they praise me for something patently untrue (maybe saying that I'm so wonderfully cheeful or something) I discount all future praise. So far, just like the praise-bad articles. However, I do like getting both specific compliments ("Kelly, I love your funny and insightful take on mannies") and occasionally global ones ("Kelly, you are hot.") I'm just saying that I'm not entirely convinced we should throw out the big non-specific praise altogether. I like hearing that I'm smart, or funny, or athletic. Getting that praise did make a difference to me. So I'm gonna keep handing out both kinds to my kid, just in moderation. Okay, gorgeous?

Strollerderby Smackdown: Candy Kerfuffle

Kelly Mills — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 15:36:00 GMT

It might seem like we are one big happy family here at the Derby, but nooooo. We hate each other's guts. We righteously judge each other's parenting decisions. It's like living in a chat room, where you consider yourself lucky if the worst flame you get is "you facist evil devil parent!" We make the corporate culture at Enron look cuddly. And when it comes to one of the big, important parenting issues, like how to handle the influx of Halloween candy, well, you can imagine that the fur is flying. Meow.

Me, I take a very hands-off stand with the candy, because I want my daughter to learn personal responsibility and consequences and because I'm the kind of harried mom that hates to impose rules and discipline and the kinds of things that will help her actually function in the world. She doesn't need to function in the Man's world, okay? I also grew up in a house that gave away--hold on, this is a little hard for me--raisins and spider rings instead of candy. This is why I have issues, but my therapist is helping me work through it, thanks for your concern.

My own trauma does make the cruelty of some of our bloggers that much harder to take. For instance, Karen. She deals with the candy crisis by making her ex take charge of the holiday, but she also says, I won't be answering my door to the little neighborhood trolls. I *might* leave a bowl of candy out. Oooh, lucky litle trick-or-treaters. Just don't blame me if the house ends up covered in toilet paper and eggs. But the neighborhood kids are luckier than her own, should they make the mistake of bringing candy across the threshold. That candy gets "offered to the gods" which might be a euphimism for eating it herself. I wouldn't put it past her.

Madeline has a strategy of deprivation that she masks by throwing the kids a bone, then cruelly snatching it away. Check this: My main goal is to not make candy seem "bad" (thereby making it hide-under-your-pillow-and-develop-an-eating-disorder good), but we've got rotting teeth issues so I feel like I need to be parental. I think this year we'll try the Halloween night gorge plus a handful of pieces for the next day and then, like a South American dictator, we'll disappear the rest (which, as I write this, means, throwing it away, but in reality, means me sifting through it to make sure I've found all the Smarties for me and candy corn for my husband and THEN throwing the rest away). I know: twisted. But even she was horrified by my raisin/spider ring story, so I'm feeling a little softer now.

Rachel, ever the fun-mom, throws up her hands and says, Let the little buggers have some for chrissakes. What's a lone daily sugar high going to do that a bunch of broccoli can't undo? It's candy it's fun let's DO IT. She's clearly of the same school as I am. Our kids would probably get along famously, and I can see them now, thick as thieves doing lines together in their teen mother suport group.

Mike won't even tell us what he does. Just like a MAN. Ugh.

Feel free to enter the fray with your candy-fairy-raisin-three-day-rule-gluttony-fest strategies of your own. I've gotta go bury my pain in a pile of fun-size Heath bars.