Strollerderby : private parts

Howard Stern To Release CD Of Kiddie Songs

Brett Singer — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Howard Stern wants to sing to your children.

So, like, hey now.

The King of All Media has had a number one movie, two best-selling books, a top-rated television show and is the greatest radio performer of all time. But he has never had a hit record.

Before you say, "Oh come on, why would a guy with that much money care about something like that?" you should know that Stern, who is currently heard on SiriusXM Satellite Radio, frequently complains that even Rick Dees had a number one song with "Disco Duck:"

Howard had a song on the Private Parts soundtrack (The Great American Nightmare with Rob Zombie) but it didn't do as well as Stern's other efforts.

So to rectify the situation, Howard has decided to make a CD of music for kids. Yes. It's true. The man who made his name proclaiming his love for lesbians, strippers and his own bodily functions wants to sing to your kids.

It's not as crazy as it sounds. First of all, as 'Monsters Vs. Aliens' showed us, it doesn't really matter if kiddie entertainment is any good. Market it correctly and it will sell. Second, many of Stern's fans (myself included) are now parents. Third, despite what people think, he's a clever guy. No tracks have been announced, but I doubt he'll put out something with language that will offend anyone. If Howard does something he goes all in, so don't expect a "trick" CD that lures you into buying something inappropriate for your kids. (On-air cohorts Richard and Sal might do that, but they're not involved this time. I hope.)

Last, but certainly not least, say "baba booey" to your kids. I'll bet you anything they laugh.

Look for the CD this fall. I know I will. I mean, could it be any worse than Kidz Bop?

Source

Read more:

Gloria Allred Sits On A Booster Seat

TV Is Neither Good Nor Bad For Babies

It's Monsters Vs Aliens on DWTS

Sasha's Not-So-Green Lunches

What Do You Call Your Daughter’s Ladyparts?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:00:00 GMT

Hopefully not 'ladyparts'—although, according to a Guardian writer who has compiled readers’ names for their daughter’s private parts, “ladybits” is the euphemism of choice for at least one parent.

Other contenders include tweenie (between the legs), front bottom (the visuals on that one are just disturbing), twinkie, minnie, muff, and pinky bo-bo (or we talking about body parts here, or desserts covered in frosting flowers?). I was rather horrified to find my mother’s name (Doris) on the list.

One of the most popular choices was “yoni,” which is the word used in the Kama Sutra. Yoni does have a nice ring to it, but I’m not sure the Kama Sutra is the most appropriate book for five-year-olds to associate their vaginas with….

Here's my favorite of the numerous funny anecdotes included in the article: “My sister overheard her daughter and son talking about this very subject. 'If a boy's willy is called a penis, what's a girl's thing called?' said my niece to her younger brother. In all seriousness, he replied that it was called 'Fine China'.”

Jezebel responded to the Guardian piece by asking the age-old question, “What’s wrong with the word ‘vagina’?” Indeed.

What do you call your daughter’s private parts?

Photo: Jezebel

Also on Babble:

10 Names to Give Your Under 5 Daughter for Her…You Know

Bad Parent: Private Matter

Babble Talk: Anatomy and Physiology

Amy Kuras — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Kids are famous for having no filter and absolutely no shame about discussing, at top volume, the more private aspects of their bodily functions and body parts. My mother still tells a story about me going to a fabric store with her when I was about the age my daughter is now, and wanting to disappear into the floor while I gleefully flipped through pattern books while annoucing "THIS person has a PENIS! This person has a VAGINA!"

So I found the following two entries in "Kids Say the Cutest Things" thoroughly hilarious.

"In trying to adjust pants that were just a little to tight, my six year-old exclaimed, 'These pants are squishing my peanuts!' -- Holden, 6"

and:

"Whenever we pass the bra and panty mannequins in the mall, it's become a habit for my 17 month old daugther to yell 'BOOBIES!!!' Noel, Virginia"

Too funny, if a little mortifying. Maybe I should send that last one to Mom.....

Want to share your own little one's bon mots with the world? Click on over to the link above!

11 names for private boy parts

Brett Singer — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:00:00 GMT

UPDATE: I missed the most obvious one, so I added it below.

In response to Miriam's brilliant post about what to call girly parts, I offer this list of names for what little boys have. And no, I don't mean "greasy grimy gopher guts." That's what they're MADE of. This is what they HAVE. Very different.

10) Weenie: has one major benefit, which is that it can be upgraded to "wiener."

9) The Family Jewels: mentioned on 'The Simpsons', and many other places as well. Obviously this refers to the testicles, but when you are talking about getting hit in them, this name feels appropriate (also painful, if you have actually been hit down there. Trust me. I know. Ow.)

8) Peter: I assume this is because it sounds like "penis", and not because of some weird biblical thing. But I'm not very religious, so I could be wrong.

7) Yourname Junior: Brett Junior, that sort of thing. It's a little weird but always good for a laugh. Of course, if you are getting laughs with your pah-pay-pay, maybe that's a problem.

6) Johnson: oldie but goodie.

5) One-eyed snake: popularized in a Cheech and Chong song.

4) Pecker: self-explanatory I guess. Although it has the connotation of something that's not large, which can be psychologically damaging.

3) Willie: not sure why this works but it does. There's an Oi song called "Willie Whitelaw's Willie", but I don't think that's where the name came from.

2) Jimmy: I first heard this from De La Soul, who taught us in the 80's that you always need to wear your Jimmy Hat (condom).

1) Womb Raider: I'd never heard of this one until I googled "penis names." It's ridiculous but really needed to be mentioned.

UPDATE:

0) Pee pee. (Thanks to commenter Becky for this one.) Unfortunately, this is one of those terms that has a double meaning -- "pee pee comes out of your pee pee" is one of those sentences you have to be a parent to say.

OK, now for the big reveal. You know what we call it in our house? A penis. Since we started that from a young age, there was no worry about shameful feelings that somehow the privates were something not to be discussed. Of course, this can be problematic when the kids get older and shout out "PENIS!" on a crowded bus, but that's the opportunity to explain that some words are appropriate at home, in private, and since these are your private parts (get it?) "penis" is one of those words. Luckily this strategy has worked for us, since I'm not sure I could bring myself to tell my son to call his pecker Johnson. Or… whatever, you know what I mean. This isn’t to say that you should follow the same path, and I have no idea how things are for girl children, since I don't have any. And I think some of the names Miriam mentions are quite nice. I just don't know if there are male equivalents that are equally pleasant. We are, after all, fairly base and simple creatures. Ugga mugga.

I'm sure there are some names that I've missed – anyone want to weigh in?

image: Wikipedia

Scrooge McDuck explains inflation

The unhealthiest food ever

10 Names to Give Your Under 5 Daughter for Her . . . You Know

Obama not sure how long he's been married

Arkansas Evangelist's compound raided, six children removed

British TV journo turns down big bucks for baby pics

10 Names to Give Your Under 5 Daughter for Her . . . You Know

Miriam Axel-Lute — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:01:00 GMT

10) Cha-cha/hoo-ha/etc. In other words "Something whose name we dare not speak, so we replace it with nonsense syllables." Not promising in terms of open information sharing. With the right attitude, I suppose it can be pulled off, but for me these have all been tainted irrevocably by the "Hoo-haa Monolgues" episode.

9) Mariposa. A near miss. A beautiful sounding word, meaning butterfly in Spanish, but also a colloquially appropriate term. Unfortunately, to many, it's kind of like the Spanish equivalent of "pussy."

8) Vajayjay. Made famous by Grey's Anatomy (made up by Grey's Anatomy?), and adopted by Oprah. Fun and jaunty, but also screams, "There's this other word I'm avoiding saying!"

7) Vagina. Considered the medically accurate term, but it technically only describes the internal part, which is generally irrelevant to young kids and not what they were asking about. Thanks to Eve Ensler, considered the de rigeur empowerment term for those not comfortable reclaiming the c word.

6) Vag/Gina/Giny. More like nicknames than actual names (and the bane of women named Regina everywhere), these have the benefit of implying casual familiarity, not something to get all work up over. But it also seems silly to teach them to a kid without teaching her what they're short for.

5) Vulva. Word of choice for those who think "vagina" sounds ugly (not like "penis" is particularly mellifulous, but whatever). Describes the external part, so at least it's what she might see in the mirror, even if it's not the whole shebang.

4) Private parts. Definitely carries the "and we don't like to talk about them in any more detail" aura. Still, it is what teachers and law enforcement officials are likely to use, making it useful. We're going to have to figure out how to teach about the different between privacy and shame sometime. Plus it's the only gender neutral option out there.

3) Girl parts/girl bits. Some how has a less stuffy, more fun feeling than "private parts," even though it's still aggressively vague. I can just hear it now: "What's this bit, Mommy? How about this bit?"

2) Yoni. If you're going to other languages/cultures, this is a standout. Yoni comes from Sanskrit—it is often used to refers to the whole package (there is just no non-vulgar English word that manages that), and is not actually a swear word. In fact it means "divine passage" and is associated with goddesses.

1) Scheide. ("Shy-duh") If Yoni is a little too New Age for you, sensible German can come to the rescue. Of course almost no one will know what she means.

0) Well, honey, there's lots of words for that. You want her to be able to talk to teachers or doctors and have them understand her. You don't want to generate a 1950s hush-hush atmosphere and raise a young woman who thinks she needs to put a tampon in her urethrea. You want to be accurate and you also don't want a word that's all about the reproductive organs when all your three-year-old wants is a word for the area where her pee comes out. You want a word that's OK for your toddler that you won't have to take back when she's 14 (because she sure won't be all that keen on a vocab lesson then).

And you also want painless teething and toilet training at six months. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but despite what seems like our endlessly inventive language, there's no one word that fits the bill. But who said you have to pick just one? Give her one (or more) to use when asking you questions and also something professionals will understand.

(And please remember, whether or not you want to go there, that the accurate anatomical answer when she says "My brother has a penis, what do I have?" is "clitoris.")

More by this author: