Strollerderby : punishment

Does Madonna Spank Her Kids?

Brett Singer — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 01:00:00 GMT

Somewhat buried in the news about Madonna's adopted son David Banda meeting up with his biological father in Malawi was this little tidbit (this is David's dad Yohane talking about his chat with David):

He told me his mum likes riding horses and that he too rides horses. Then he told me a story when one day he and his brother, Rocco, rode horses and fell. He told me his mum spanked him because they are not supposed to ride horses on their own. (Emphasis added)

Whoa, Nellie! Hang on a minute. Madonna spanked him?

Well, maybe. When I first saw this, Shannon pointed out that sometimes little kids exaggerate. I've never hit either of my children but my oldest once informed someone that I had. Somewhat out of the blue, I might add. Luckily it was a person who was inclined to take my word for it (a relative). But if it had been a teacher, I don't know how that would have gone over.

Still, it's interesting to think about. Do you think Madonna spanks her kids? Or maybe she has the nanny do it? Or is David just a little kid exaggerating?

Source: PerezHilton

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Dad Beats the Demon out of His Son

JeanneSager — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:01:00 GMT

We've all thought our kids were little devils, but when you start to feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts kid-ward, take heart you aren't this guy:

A Texas dad told cops he beat his son to a pulp to rid him of a demon that he believed invaded his home . . . and the three-year-old's body.

Neighbors of Jacky Tran told the Houston Chronicle they saw him throwing furniture out of his house because he thought it was "evil," and the little boy unfortunately fared even worse. Tran was reportedly seen swinging the child, who suffered head fractures but is expected to be OK.

Why is it the stories you hear are either this side of crazy or the parent next door who lets their three-year-old run around the library like a banshee? I guess because the rest of us just aren't newsworthy as we trudge along, thinking the occasional "they're driving me crazy" thought about our kids but not acting on them.

Tran, in particular, sounds like he's mentally ill and should face some psychiatric evaluation before a judge decides if he'll serve the five to ninety-nine years he's face if convicted. And as horrible as this sounds, I think a tiny part of a lot of us knows, we're lucky to be absolutely, achingly normal.

Image: About.com

Do We All Have a Right to Procreate?

Miriam Axel-Lute — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 14:48:00 GMT

Though we would rarely admit it, most of us, upon hearing about some abusive situation, have muttered about requiring a license to parent or "fixing" the offenders so at least no child will have to go through that again. But when push comes to shove would we really think either was a good idea?

Carter Dillard, writing in the Georgia Law Review, is not exactly recommending either (in fact, he speaks, rightly, of parental licensing schemes as "comical"). But he is, very seriously, arguing that there should be no fundamental right to procreate, that there is a duty on prospective parents to be "fit," and that courts should have the right to issue no-procreation orders in certain limited circumstances.

In the narrowest case that Dillard focuses on, it's hard to argue: If, due to egregious harm to previous children, a no-custody order has already been issued, such that any child born is immediately taken into state custody, wouldn't it be better for all to prevent such a pregnancy in the first place with a "no-procreate" order?

Trouble is, this seems to me almost as rife with problems as parental licensing. Much as Dillard wants to separate out the principle from how it would be implemented, I can't.

Dillard never manages to acknowledge that the state does a pretty awful job in most cases of determining "fitness" now, and often gets it wrong (in both directions). Some of that can't be avoided: We need to be able to take kids out of danger, even if we suck at it. But I heard in Dillard's writing a disturbing willingness to expand the definition of "fitness" tests to include finances (how much money is "enough"? does it matter how you spend it?), "pending neglect cases" (and if they were ruled to be unfounded, as many are?). It just seems like a clear slippery slope to pre-emptive sterilization of people who are different, poor, etc.

But even if we do set aside implementation for a moment, Dillard's argument that his "no-procreate" orders could be good for everyone by shifting resources from helping kids who have already been harmed to prevention rings a bit hollow.

For that to work, the no-procreate orders would actually have to substantially reduce the number of children born into abusive situations. But only a tiny fraction of the worst cases already have no-custody orders. And even then, how to ensure the order works? Foricble abortion? Sterilization? (Long sordid history of that already) Court-ordered Norplant (serious side effects for many people)? Criminalizing sex? Imprisoning people? Sending them to a convent?

The answer, of course, is you don't. You just say it, and if it's violated, it changes to a "no-custody" order and unspecified penalties are applied after the fact. Could that have a deterrant effect? Unlikely. At least for women, if carrying a pregnancy you know you're going to have to give up isn't a deterrant, it's hard to know what would work better. And most men in this situation are unable to pay the child support they already owe and any other penalties may suck for them, but it'll make it even less likely that they end up paying. Pregnancies are not always preventable, and in stressed families like this, are also rarely planned.

Would the orders make a point? Perhaps. But they're not going to make some huge difference in the number of kids who are born to "unfit" parents or who end up abused.

Here's what might work better:

If you want to put resources into prevention—of unwise pregnancies and of abuse—do it. Don't wait for some neat legal principle to make you feel better about it. Fund health care, birth control, abortion, good sex ed, parenting education, respite services, and domestic violence response, etc. and improve access to them. There's plenty of info out there about how to do these things well.
If you want to ensure that babies born to parents with a history of serious enough abuse that they already have a no-custody order in place aren't bounced around from foster home to foster home and maybe-maybe-not back to birth parents sometime (which I agree is not a good plan), make no-custody orders include automatic termination of parental rights for any child conceived after they are issued and allow the kid a permanent adoptive home from day one. It's still subject to errors in judgment, but at least you know it'll have real results. (And, frankly, it might be more of a deterrant than some random legal penalty.) (Note: This suggestion works when both bio parents have the no-custody order. What is the proper response when it's only one of them who is subject to such? I don't know.)

Ick.

Photo by walknboston.

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Smackdown: No Naughty Chair For Us, Thanks

Kate Tuttle — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:01:00 GMT

Popularized as an alternative to spanking, the time-out has become such a feature of American child-rearing that it's spawned an entire industry in advice books and tiny moralistic furniture. And no episode of Supernanny would be complete without it. Millions of parents seem to feel it's the only non-violent way to discipline their children, and that without it we'd be a nation of spankers, misbehaved kids, or both.

I disagree. It's not that I spank my kids – I don't, never have and never will – nor that I think they should be allowed to run roughshod over my household or anyone else's. Neither do I think my spawn are somehow just naturally well behaved and perfect. It's just that time-outs, at least as carried out on Supernanny and in homes and daycares with designated "naughty seats" or "time-out chairs," seem to me just as physically coercive and humiliating as spanking. Watching TV nanny Jo Frost instructing parents to march their children back to the "naughty chair" dozens of times, even engaging in wrestling matches with those old enough to put up a good fight, then extracting a forced apology from a child who often barely remembers or understands her crime, makes me wonder what on earth she thinks this teaches a child (beyond reinforcing their natural urge not to get caught in the first place). Is this really meant to help a child grow into a person with empathy and a moral compass?

All kids (heck, all people) get overwhelmed at times, and most of the bad behavior in my house – whether from my toddler or my teenager – comes from mental and emotional overload. Taking some time away from a stressful situation is often the best solution, and I have no problem suggesting that my child go someplace quiet to restore his or her calm. Since most toddlers are simply too young to do this on their own, I often take my son out of the room for a breather, but then instead of putting him on a chair or step to "think about what he's done," I sit with him until he's feeling peaceful enough to return to the fray. As the child psychologist and parenting author Penelope Leach says, "the toddler whose behavior has gone beyond the pale doesn't need pushing further out but bringing back in." In effect, until your child regains his self control you can lend him some of yours. Once a child gets a little older, she can learn her own methods of self-calming, to break the cycle of whatever craziness is underway. But demanding a child take that break in a time and place of your devising, under rules that separate him from you and your love, feels punitive and ultimately cold-hearted. If you have to get up and chase him down and then physically overpower him to get him to stay there, how exactly is that a kinder, gentler form of discipline? And despite the idea that time-out is the alternative to spanking, a quick breeze through parenting websites that discuss discipline makes it clear that most parents who do one also do the other -- as one mother on such a site said, "with my son I have had to spank him for doing the same things over & over, because the time out didn't teach him anything."

To my mind, kids need guidance and lots of modeling as they learn to navigate their emotions and frustrations. Formalized rituals of discipline don't seem to work as well as showing a child how to take a deep breath or ask for help. Many meltdowns can be averted by anticipating tough transitions, letting kids know what to expect, and helping them work through their problems, especially that perpetual difficulty (for adults as well as kids) of putting feelings into words. When the words don't come and intense emotions turn into unacceptable actions – throwing things, making a deliberate mess, becoming a danger to one's self or others – then it's a parent's job to offer a safe place to chill out, whether in the parent's arms or not, and a framework for recovering from any hurt feelings, and a chance to handle things differently next time.

So no naughty chair for us, please. Nobody in my house is naughty, any more than we're angelic. We're all just people –the parents as well as the kids – dealing with all the crazy mixed-up feelings people have, learning as we go. If that doesn't conform to Supernanny's standards, well, I'm okay with that. And if things get really out of hand, there's always Mommy 's Time Out, though probably best to save that for after the kids are in bed.

The Other Side:

Smackdown: I Need a Time Out!

Parents Make Son Hold 'I Will Never Shoplift Again' Signs

JeanneSager — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:34:00 GMT

To the Nebraska parents who made their sons stand downtown holding up signs that read, "I was caught shoplifting at Dollar General. I will never shoplift again. Stealing and lying is Wrong," I salute you.

To paraphrase Randy "Dopey Idol" Jackson, "You did your thing Mom and Dad, you did your thing."

Kip and Cole Russell, twelve and fifteen respectively, were caught stealing an ax from the Dollar General in Gering, Neb. last month and sent out by their parents to the busiest intersection in town to hold bright orange signs. Cole did the heist, while Kip kept watch outside, but the boys agreed they were both at fault - and both deserved punishment.

"I was with him, and I didn't try to stop him," Kip told the Omaha World-Herald as the boys' father, Merle Russell, watched from nearby, keeping track of the boys time spent on the busy street.

"I won't tolerate a thief, and hopefully this will teach them that they need to make the right choices," Merle told the paper. "When you steal, it takes money away from everybody."

The boys have been told to write letters of apology to the store, and their electronics (I'm not sure if that means game consoles, cell phones or what . . . the story just says "electronics) have been seized for a month. Cole was also expected to face court action on the shoplifting charge.

Considering how many parents are quick to jump to their kids' defense these days, it's nice to see a parent who puts the emphasis on responsibility instead of hiring a lawyer to get his kids out of trouble for something they did. Was the punishment harsh? Absolutely. But the punishments facing the boys if they were to continue on this path are much harsher - and rightfully so.

Something tells me Kip and Cole won't be shoplifting again any time soon.

Image: Omaha World-Herald

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Babysitter Made Pornographic Film With 2 Year Old

Brett Singer — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 19:45:00 GMT

This is a really hard one to write. It's basically every parent's worst nightmare, or at least one of them. Actually, it probably can't really be called your worst nightmare since that implies the thought would have actually occurred to you.

Basically, 23-year-old Aaron Jay Lemon of Little Canada, Minnesota ran an ad on Craig's List looking for a job as a babysitter. He was hired by a St. Paul couple to watch their 2 year old. Then he made pornographic videos with the child.

The one positive seems to be that Lemon pleaded guilty, so there won't be a trial. I know that's not much of consolation but with a story like this, I'll take what I can get.

This happened back in 2007, and it appears that Lemon was exchanging child pornographic videos with someone else, which led to an investigation and his eventual arrest. He lived with his mother, who had no comment for the press.

There's also a very scary quote from Erin Hammill, the owner of a company called Above and Beyond Nannies. "There is no way that you can tell a sex offender. You don't just trust…But if you checked four references, you would have a sense of who they're dealing with." Her company checks pretty thoroughly – "10 character references, five employer references", a credit check, and more. Hammill went on to say, "I think that people are using Craig's List because the economy is so poor…But no one should use Craig's List for a baby-sitter. That's just playing the victim role. That's like saying, 'Oh my gosh, I'm walking down a dark alley, and I'm carrying my life savings in my wallet.' "

I tend to agree, although I don't know that I could muster up a scolding if I were talking directly to the parents who just experienced this horror. (As far as I know, Hammill just gave a quote to a reporter and wasn't speaking specifically to the parents of the 2 year old.)

"There is no way that you can tell a sex offender." That definitely got to me.

Again, the one teeny little positive thing here is that the guy is caught, pled guilty, and will go to jail. The maximum sentence is 30 years. That doesn't seem like enough.

Source: TwinCities.com

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Who is That Time Out Really For?

JeanneSager — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 20:26:00 GMT

In case you missed it, Jane Roper's Baby Squared post on time out last week provided some serious food for thought (between the giggles - trust me, you've got to read it). Somehow Jane's kids actually LIKE spending time in time out. So much for punishment.

Then again, who ever said time outs are always for punishment?

Even at three, I know my daughter can't yet fully grasp right from wrong. The parents who discuss "understanding the ramifications of your actions, young lady" with a toddler in the grocery store make me giggle. Hey, I'd like to say my daughter's a genius, but she's three! When she's tired, she tantrums. When she's spent a night at Grandma's having the stuffing spoiled out of her, she's prone to be a little brattier at home.

So she'll get sent to time out. Try as I might, my kid will NEVER sit on a chair quietly like Jane's do. We even tried standing in the "naughty corner." She slithered to the floor and shuffled her butt slowly across the floor to whatever room I'd hidden myself in . . . every time. So time out is spent in her room. With the gate closed at the top of the stairs so she physically cannot follow me.

Because, frankly, time out is for me too. Time out is my few minutes to remind myself how much I love and adore my daughter even when she's just drawn on my bathroom cabinet with a green crayon. It's my time to unclench my fist and think lovely, calming thoughts of sandy beaches and childless, er, family vacations.

When you find the cat covered in an entire box worth of Care Bear Band-Aids, you just deserve a time out, right?

Image: Jane Roper's Baby Squared - right here on Babble

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Parents Say: Don't Reward My Kid

JeanneSager — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:03:00 GMT

A set of parents at a small elementary school in Canada are righteously indignant this week. They say the school is . . . rewarding their kids for good behavior. Ooooh, I'm going to tell.

Of course there's more to the story. The kids are being issued an index card on a string that they sling around their neck. When they're caught "being good," they earn a punch on their card. Get enough punches, and they earn a reward - like attendance at today's school-wide Halloween party. To keep kids from being singled out as goody two shoes, the school has set up the cards so they're hidden in a pouch on each kid's neck.

So what's the big deal? Parents of seven "boycotting kids" say it puts too much focus on rewards, and it's stressing out their kids. The kids are getting competitive, to see who can have the most hole punches. When they get home, they're expecting their parents to reward them for the simple things, like cleaning their rooms. Parents say the focus should simply be on education, especially considering the lack of discipline problems in the district.

Except, studies have shown younger children learn better from positive reinforcement. My daughter is still at the nursery school level, but this seems similar to the practice at the kindergartens and daycares the children of some of my friends attend. There teachers use a green, yellow and red card system - akin to a stoplight. All the kids start the day with a green card in a slot on the wall. If they have to be disciplined, the card is changed to yellow (a warning). If the poor behavior, it moves on to red, and the children suffer the loss of recess or a similar reprimand. Stay on green all day, and the kids can earn a sticker or some other small prize. Heading out to dinner on a girl's night out the other day, my friend got a call from her ex-husband reporting their son stayed on green all day at daycare. The little boy was so proud of himself, he wanted to tell not only Mommy but Aunt Jeanne too.

It seems like the stoplight would have more potential to damage kids' psyches - after all, they're right out in the open where everyone can see while these cards are carefully hidden away. But I've never heard a parent - or a kid - complain. When their cards go red, they're embarrassed, and just as chastened as they would be if the teacher handed out a tongue lashing. Which seems like the only other option here; making punishments so severe kids are "scared straight."

What works for your kids? Rewards for good behavior or punishment for the bad?

Image: DailyMail

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Online Husband Murdered By Bitter Ex

Kelly Mills — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 12:25:00 GMT

Nobody said marriage in an interactive game was easy. What do you do when your husband in "Maple Street" (similar to "Second Life") up and divorces you? Well, you are going to feel a whirlwind of emotions, and your fury and hurt might know no bounds. But of course, while you might contemplate murdering his avatar, would you go ahead and do it, thus taking a virtual life?

One woman in Japan answered yes to this. When her spouse in the game divorced her, she says "I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry." Murderously angry. She used the login and password she got from her hubby when they (virtually) married, and axed him. (She doesn't know the guy in real life.) She now faces a possible five years in prison and a fine of up to $5000 for manipulation of computer data and illegal access on a computer. Thank god they did not have any virtual children that I am aware of, because it's always worst for the child avatars.

I have an idea here. Maybe they should send her avatar to prison in the game, thus completing the cycle of wacky internet justice. She'd have to play out the rest of her online life in a small, virtual cell. Fitting, no?

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Halloween Not So Festive For Sex Offenders

Kelly Mills — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Most of the year we say, "Hey kids, don't take candy from strangers." The exception of course is Halloween, when we have kids actually solicit for candy, and 'aw yeah' for that. Some states are taking measures to prevent registered violent and child sex offenders from participating in the holiday, a thought that made my fears of pumpkin smashing seem a little more trivial.

In Maryland, 1,200 sex offenders received a letter instructing them to stay at home, turn off the porch lights, and not answer the door. They also received a sign with a scared-looking pumpkin on it, that reads "No candy at this residence". The letter begins, "Halloween provides a rare opportunity for you to demonstrate to your neighbors that you are making a sincere effort to change the direction of your life." And as part of that effort, I think your house is gonna get egged this year.

Other states are adopting similar measures, and in Missouri, four offenders and the ACLU are challenging it. Louisiana has banned sex offenders from wearing masks on Halloween and during carnival season. Are the rules a violation of civil liberties, or a necessary measure? Will they effectively protect kids? You tell me.

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Teenager Arrested For Kiddie Porn - The Pictures Were of Herself

JeanneSager — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 18:59:00 GMT

I'm not up on all the legalities behind child pornography arrests, I'll admit it. I've never had to know. But last time I checked, a child has to have been somehow objectified, right?

So how does a 15-year-old teen girl taking nudie pics of herself and sending them to her classmates qualify? I'd be calling in counselors for the teenager. Instead, Central Ohio school officials called in the police. Now the teen has been charged with illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material (a felony) and possession of criminal tools. That's right, she used herself. And then she possessed the evidence of it! Not only that, the high schoolers who received the pictures may face charges too! Because, well, they possess child porn too!

In Ohio, adults convicted of possession of child porn have to register as sex offenders - I'm all for that. But the judge in this case will have flexibility according to a spokesperson with the district attorney's office. OK, so she may have to register as a sex offender for, um, having pictures of herself naked? Please call the authorities. My daughter climbed out of the bathtub this evening and ran past the mirror. She stopped and made raspberries at it. Naked. She looked at herself naked. What are we going to do?

The worst part of all this is that this girl is a foster child. Which would point to a childhood that's already been disrupted in some way. Teen girls sharing their naked bodies with other kids usually suffer from low self esteem, and there are possiblities of everything from depression to an eating disorder. This, people, is what we call a child in crisis. Not a sex offender!

Child pornograpy is serious and seriously scary for me as a parent. But the fact that a child is naked and a picture is taken does not make it child porn - anymore than a picture of a woman breastfeeding is adult porn. Maybe money would be better spent keeping kids out of trouble than chasing down every picture of a naked kid.

Source: Az Central

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“Daddy, Don’t Steal” - 6-year Old’s Advice Becomes Father’s Sentence

SunnyChanel — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 22:07:00 GMT

You can wear your heart on your sleeve, but a judge in Kalamazoo, Michigan decided that a man charged with the felony of retail fraud would wear his punishment on his sleeve with words inspired by a child. A circuit court judge in Kalamazoo ordered Daniel Cleland to write or tap the phrase “Daddy, don’t steal” on his arm or hand for a period of seven months. That was the comment that the defendant Cleland shared with the court that came from his six -year old son. This punishment is a pretty nice option rather than the seven months in jail that was alternative sentence.

Elderly Chinese Women Sentenced to "Re-Education"

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 23:17:00 GMT

Chinese authorities have sentenced two elderly women to a year of “re-education” through labor because they repeatedly sought permits to protest in one of the official Olympic protest sites—areas that Chinese authorities designated as the only places where protests were allowed during the Olympic games, but which have yet to see a single protest.

The women, Wu Dianyuan and Wang Xiuying, are 77 and 79. They went to the police five times seeking permits to protest inadequate compensation after their Beijing homes were demolished for a redevelopment project. Instead of being given a new home in the new development, as the women thought would happen, they were moved to a dilapidated apartment outside the city. Although the New York Times did not mention whether the redevelopment was linked to the Olympics, it's possible that it was part of the Chinese government's Beijing makeover in preparation for the games.

Wu’s son, who says that his mother is nearly blind, has worked hard to seek justice for his mother and her friend, and he is outraged that two women in their 70s would be sentenced to re-education, which often involves hard labor in agriculture or factories and forced confessions. Although the women were allowed to return to their homes, officials said that they could be whisked off to a re-education center at any time. Re-education sentences are handed out without trials or means of appeals.

Such a sentence is perhaps one of the lighter punishments for seeking an Olympic protest permit: some of the applicants have disappeared.

Photo: A Chinese labor camp (New York Times)

Des Moines sex club shut down

Brett Singer — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Most of the news that mentions Des Moines this week will be about will Shawn Johnson, the adorable little pixie person with abs of steel who is winning gymnastics medals in Beijing. But there's something else happening in Iowa's most populous city. (BIG GIANT CORRECTION: This happened in Des Moines, WASHINGTON, not Iowa. We have egg on our faces and offer a big thank you to Megan, the commenter who pointed this out.)

A sex club called – hang on – the Hardwood Cabin has been shut down. I've tried to come up with a better re-write for the basic facts, but here is the opening paragraph of the story: "Regan 'Draco' Lane-Smith and 'Naughty' Nonah Elliston outfitted their six-bedroom rental house with 15 mattresses, bondage crosses and sex swings. They built elaborate sets in their backyard for taking erotic photos."

The fun part is that they were doing this in a residential neighborhood. At least, it's the fun part if you didn't live in that neighborhood.

Now, being pervy isn't illegal in ~~Iowa~~ Washinton (as far as I know; I've actually never tried anything pervy in Des Moines). But operating a business without a license is, and that's what got them in trouble with the law.

Naughty and Draco (sounds like the name of a a really crummy rap duo from the mid-90's – "D to the R to the A to the C to the O / I got Naughty on my left and she ain't no ho!") say that they are "being persecuted for their lifestyle," and that since they weren't charging admission, it's not a business; therefore they shouldn't be asked to stop being "happy hedonists." They go on to say that they are, "normal people who happen to enjoy sex."

Sex with a whole lot of people at once, that is. After searching for a house "that would perfectly suit them and their hobby," they found the Hardwood (can't type that without laughing) and started having, um, parties. What began as a bi-weekly affair blossomed into a three day a week thing, with as many as 60 people present. "Members were as young as 22 and as old as 80," according to the Seattle Times.

N and D did what they could to be respectful of their surroundings, telling neighbors that they would be having parties (not sure if they said what kind), and giving out their phone numbers for folks to complain if they felt things got too noisy. The problem is, as the Hardwood (heh heh) groundskeeper points out, "They've tried to be decent…[but] With all that many people, you're going to lose control." Most of the complaints would have happened with any sort of party, clothed or not – too many cars in the driveway, too much noise. In this case, the noises were of the "moaning and slapping" variety, sounding "like a raccoon dying." (Hey! Now that's a party.) The dionysian soiree's also featured nude swimming and sunbathing in the yard in the middle of the afternoon, although no actual sex acts took place outdoors.

As for whether or not it was a business or just a private party filled with naked strangers, I can see why authorities would be a little bit suspicious: the couple's website, HardwoodCabin.com (snicker) said, "on Wednesday, ladies are reduced rate or food or pop donations and men are the usual rate." There are also references to a "staff" that is, of course, "really cool." The site is gone, but you can see it via the Internet Archive; some of their Yahoo! Group is also archived.

I'm not generally a prude, but I don't think I'd be all that thrilled if my neighbors were having weekly parties with that many people, especially if said parties included nude sunbathing and loud sex. In my Manhattan apartment, we used to have a neighbor who was, shall we say, quite noisy when she was in the company of her significant other, but I only heard her when I went to take out the garbage at night. It wasn't like this neighborhood, where you would have had to black out your windows to avoid seeing people going the full monty on a weekly basis. I also admit that I question whether or not a desire to constantly have sex with multiple partners while married is as "normal" as they say. That is, if they really weren't charging anything, why are you having so many people over for random screwing?

Would you want to live next door to these people? And is "swinging" normal behavior?

source: Seattle Times

images: HardwoodCabin.com via Internet Archive

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Is it ever OK to hit your kids?

Brett Singer — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:25:00 GMT

Hannah's terrific post about whether or not to step in when you see someone hitting their kids reminded me of a post I'd wanted to write for awhile now.

Over in the Babble forums, a thread titled Smacking my 2 year-old is up to 155 replies. As someone who was slapped once by my mother (I think it was more traumatic for her than it was for me) and was only spanked by someone else's mom (the less said about that, the better), hitting kids is something that isn't really on my mind. Now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand the urge, especially when it's your first child and the stress level is much higher (that was my experience, anyway). But I always resisted, not because I wasn't angry enough, but because I felt it was wrong.

Beyond my personal feelings about smackage, I had, perhaps naively, thought that corporal punishment had gone the way of the dodo. To be fair to the person who started the thread, it doesn't sound like s/he was beating the kid. It was more of a "snap out of it" type of slap – interrupting a massive crying jag. It also worked, and, as parents, we all know how tempting it is to try something again if it actually MAKES THEM STOP SCREAMING.

So what was the upshot of the discussion? Most of the users who replied felt that hitting children was wrong no matter what. Some took issue with the "holier-than-thou" attitude that they saw in certain comments, such as, "The only thing more insulting than being smacked in the face is being spat on. I'm shocked, quite frankly."

In the same vein, some wrote that since the person asking for advice was "not writing this so that I could be criticized, but for advice" that meant that no one should pass judgment. Unfortunately, this is even more naïve than me thinking that people don't hit their kids. As anyone who spends time "interacting" with any website knows very well, once you put yourself out there you open yourself up to criticism as well as whatever it is you've specifically asked for, especially when the topic is as nuclear as this one.

So – let's go nuclear, shall we?

Is it ever OK to hit your child? If not, is there hitting that is acceptable, or is it all bad?

image: middlezonemusings

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The Right and Wrong Way to Use Timeouts

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:17:00 GMT

Timeouts seem self-explanatory: your kid acts out; you make him go to his room or sit on a chair in the corner, by force if necessary; the worst the offense, the longer the timeout, right?

Wrong, wrong, wrong, says renowned child psychiatrist Alan E. Kazdin, writing for Slate. While timeouts can be effective, relying too heavily on the timeout as a method of punishment will do nothing to change your child’s problematic behavior. In fact, excessive timeouts worsen bad behavior—which means you give more and longer timeouts, which means your child acts out more, which means your home becomes a battlefield.

To avoid this, Kazdin recommends returning the timeout to its original meaning: a “timeout from reinforcement.” Rather than an angry punishment, the timeout was originally meant to be a simple withholding of attention, since kids tend to repeat behavior that garners attention of any kind. To hope that a timeout will cause a child to “think about what they’ve done” and repent is to be self-delusional.

Instead, use timeouts briefly, calmly, and immediately following the problematic behavior. Timeouts should never be physically enforced—dragging your child to his room, for instance, completely negates all of the timeout’s benefits, which are mostly accrued in the first minute or two of timeout. If your child refuses to cooperate with a timeout, raise the penalty by one minute or take away a privilege. On the other hand, always praise compliance with timeouts.

Kazdin points out (rather obviously, though it’s easy to forget in the heat of the moment when Susie hits her little sister for the third time in an hour) that the most important tool for changing problematic behavior is to actively work on replacing the hitting—or yelling or food throwing or painting on the walls—with positive behavior, through constant reminders and positive reinforcement.

And when that’s not working and all you want to do is lock the little miscreant in his room for 20 minutes, perhaps you need to give yourself a brief timeout from reinforcement.

Photo: hometown9.com

Dad beaten after money stolen from 6-year-old girl

Brett Singer — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:00:00 GMT

This is a rough one.

Three men, aged 18 to 20, stole $5 from six-year-old Lucy Tonkin on a street in suburban Newcastle, New South Wales. Her father, Chris Tonkin, confronted the men, who began beating him senseless. They only stopped the assault when two people pulled up in a car to see what was going on. Lucy was screaming, "Don't hurt Daddy, don't hurt Daddy," then she ran home, curled up in a ball in her room, and cried.

Now, as usual, the details are even more interesting. Lucy had five letters to Santa Claus, each with a $1 coin stuck on the back. Her father is quoted as saying, "She's gone for a bit of a walk out the front and dropped the envelope and these guys have picked it up, taken the money and swore at her." Lucy came home crying, and her dad went out to look for the three thieves. Which means Lucy was walking around outside by herself. I'm not judging, but I know I don't let my kids out of my sight when we're out and about. But maybe it's a cultural thing.

Once again, the comments are worth reading. "Thank you to the do-gooders who have seen fit to remove any form of discipline of kids either by parents or teachers. Bring back the cane. The lack of discipline and respect in today's youth is disgusting." Thank YOU "enigma of Qld" for figuring out how to solve the problem. Cane 'em all!

The attackers "are described as being of Aboriginal appearance," but security cameras on nearby city buses recorded the incident, which should help police to identify the assailants.

image: news.com.au

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Dad Gets Jail Time When His Kid Fails Math Test

Kelly Mills — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:31:00 GMT

Talk about being responsible for your kids' behavior: A guy in Kentucky is serving six months in jail. Why? His daughter failed her math test and didn't get her GED. The GED was required by a previous court order, and even though his daughter is now 18 years old, the decision was rendered when she was 16, a minor. Apparently at 16 she developed a habit of skipping school.

The daughter, Brittany Gegner, who now has an eighteen-month-old child of her own, says if anyone should serve jail time, it should be her, since she failed the test. The man's ex-wife also thinks the punishment is ludicrous, and says if anyone should be in jail, it should be her, because her daughter was living with her at the time of the trouble. Before we throw everyone in jail, maybe we could get this girl some math tutoring?

Anyhow, do you think it's a fair punishment?

Probe Uncovers Bad Behavior at Bootcamps for Kids

Kelly Mills — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 22:37:00 GMT

A federal probe has evidence of shady marketing practices at "bootcamps" for kids, also known as residential treatment facilities or behavior modification centers. These places, in case you don't know, claim they can "rehabilitate" children and teens with serious behavior problems such as violence, defiance, and drug abuse. Since no kid in his or her right mind would willingly check into one of these joints, some centers "abduct" the kids with the parents' permission. Oh, and the federal investigation began with thousands of allegations of abuse, sometimes resulting in death.

What did the probe find? The Government Accountability Office investigators, posing as parents, contacted some of these bootcamps. They found instances of deceptive marketing, including one program rep who urged the fictitious father not to tell his wife he'd be admitting their child to the program, and another facility that claimed the family could receive insurance reimbursement following treatment, but that they should not contact their insurance company in advance. Ick. This is on top of the verified claims of abuse, and the investigators plan to detail eight individual cases in which children were abused and in some cases, died, with untrained staff and horrific operating practices at a minimum contributing to the deaths and abuse. In addition, folks who went through these centers will testify. Hmm, maybe we could get these bootcamp-based treatment centers (or at minimum their abusive practices) banned?

Girl Saves Lives, Gets Punished

Kelly Mills — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 21:03:00 GMT

A fifteen-year-old high school student, Amanda Rouse, stopped an out-of-control school bus by pulling the emergency brake. When the bus driver fell out of her seat, she yelled to Amanda for assistance. The teen quickly put the brake on and the bus hit two parked cars and stopped. She then helped the driver up, who called the school transportation authorities. None of the 40 elementary school kids on the bus were injured, and the driver suffered only minor damage. Kudos to Amanda for her quick action.

So what did Amanda get for her heroism? Saturday school. See, it turns out she wasn't supposed to be on the bus at that point, but she says she felt ill on the ride to school, so she asked the driver if she could stay on for the return trip. I guess she was supposed to notify the school instead, or, as she says, "I should have gotten off the bus and called my grandma." Hmmm, if I was the school, I might consider giving her a one-time pass in light of the fact that she saved the day, but I suppose the quality of mercy is not strained, yo.

Photo: DAVID ROYAL/The Herald

Vice Principal Makes Kids Eat Off the Floor

Kelly Mills — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 23:28:00 GMT

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a tool for reporting on all these wretched teachers and school administrators when there's plenty of decent ones who don't make the news, but I find these stories strangely compelling. Maybe it's the sense of anxiety I have as a parent, sending off my kid and telling her to listen to other adults who I may or may not always agree with. And I can guarantee you I would not agree with anyone making my child eat off the floor as punishment, as one vice principal at a Philadelphia elementary school did.

Part of what makes this story particularly wretched is that it sounds like these kids were particularly vulnerable to the unfair treatment because they were ESL students, many from other countries, and in some cases the families were unaware of the punishment. The incident that prompted the vice principal to make an entire elementary school class eat their lunches off the cafeteria floor? One kid was changing the water cooler jug and it spilled. The good news is that the woman was put on administrative leave while the matter is investigated.

20 Alternatives to Punishment

Alisyn — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:11:00 GMT

Attachment Parenting (AP) is all the rage when it comes to babies, what with all the slings, breastfeeding-on-demand and co-sleeping going on these days, but it extends far beyond the early years. The backbone of the AP philosophy is mutual respect, and with older kids, that often translates into finding an alternative to punishment - whether that means allowing natural consequences to take their course, offering constructive advice, walking away, or turning potential conflicts into challenges that can be faced together - is a key point in developing mutuality. Not letting the children get away with murder, mind you, but letting go of the authoritarian in us as parents, and embracing the mediator, the peacemaker.

Aletha Solter, founder of the Aware Parenting Institute, internationally recognized expert on non-punitive discipline, has much the same philosophy. The Parenting Pit recently posted 20 alternatives to punishment, most of which are worthy of at least one try.

1. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS.
Example: Give your child something to play with while waiting in line.

2. GIVE INFORMATION AND REASONS.
Example: If your child colors on the wall, explain why we color on paper only.

3. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS.
Acknowledge, accept & listen to feelings. Example: If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways. He may need to cry or rage.

4. CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT.
This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child. Example: If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.

5. FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES.
Redirect your child’s behavior. Example: If you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, don’t just say no. Tell her where she can build one.

For the rest of the list, follow the link.

Hello Kitty Shames Cops

Kelly Mills — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 20:24:00 GMT

Police officers in Thailand are experiencing a unique punishment for rule violations like parking illegally and being late. The cops are required to do desk jockey work and to wear pink Hello Kitty armbands at the station. "'Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor,' said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok." That is, unless the officers happen to be Hello Kitty fanatics.

Interesting that the enigmatic, mouthless cat of a thousand outfits will now be a scarlet 'A' on the biceps of Thailand's police force. The officers won't have to wear the armbands in public, which seems like a real shame to me. I am enamored with the idea of being pulled over by a guy with a hot pink Kitty armband. And by the way, should the senior officers run out of Hello Kitty likenesses, we have a crapload at my house I wouldn't mind seeing put to good use. As always, thanks boing boing!

Spring Break for Sadistic Parents: The Grand Canyon Skywalk

Stefania Pomponi Butler (CityMama) — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 11:01:00 GMT

The Grand Canyon Skywalk was unveiled yesterday, and after seeing the photos, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Yep. That's one thing I'll never see." Imagine stepping out onto a glass bridge suspended 4,000 feet above the canyon floor, a height that surpases the world's largest skyscrapers. ...eff that!

Get this: the bridge's walls and floor are built of four-inch-thick glass. The Skywalk protrudes 65 feet from the edge of the canyon then curves back towards the edge like a horseshoe. The Skywalk is able to hold 70 tons of weight, allowing for 800 people weighing 175 lbs. each to stand on the bridge, however only 120 people will be allowed at a time. All visitors will also have to wear special shoes to protect the glass and keep them from slipping.

The Skywalk is built to withstand 100 mph winds and magnitude eight earthquakes, but what I want to know is, is it built to withstand the shrieks of freaked-out children? And can we use a trip to the Skywalk as punishment for bad behavior?

Something baaaad is going to happen with that thing. I can just feel it.

Anti-Spanking Proposal Down for the Count

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 13:56:00 GMT

A proposal to ban spanking was given an official time out, as the California lawmaker behind the plan says she just doesn't have the votes to get the bill passed. Still, Sally Lieber hasn't given up. She wants to ban throwing, kicking, burning, cutting, shaking or choking a minor -- essentially making more illegal things that already are. Sounds like Lieber got spanked. But good.

Her spanking proposal caught fire last month, landing in newspaper pages and on television throughout the country. "Saturday Night Live" even did a skit, featuring a nanny whose book, "I Will Beat Yo Ass," offers the best in parental guidance.

It appears that after Lieber heard from cops, DAs and judges -- who wondered how on earth they'd enforce a no-spanking law -- she backed down. Her new proposal would increase penalties for doing things that are already illegal -- a nice attempt, but I liked her first idea better.