Strollerderby : respect

Don't Let Your Kid Call Me Missus

JeanneSager — Mon, 18 May 2009 16:31:00 GMT

Listening to my daughter talk, you'd think my parents were the Duggars.

It's Aunt Jennifer this and Uncle Dan that. She has a lot of aunts and uncles. And yet, my husband is an only child, and I have just one brother.

"Aunt" and "uncle" are as much terms of respect in our house as they are of endearment. Acquaintances are Mr. Jones and Ms. Johnson, but anyone close enough for our daughter to actually learn their first name gets that extra moniker tacked on the front to distinguish them from her peers.

I thought this was pretty normal until I went south on vacation.

My in-laws introduced their friends to our daughter as "Miss Joan" and "Mr. Bill," "Mr. Floyd" and "Miss Martha." They were the type of people my husband as a kid would have called "aunt" and "uncle" if he'd grown up in our household. In his own, it was "Mr." and "Mrs." with a first name thrown in there.

I know other families would be shocked at the usage of first names at all, preferring their kids use mister and missus and surnames only. In our house, the deference afforded by the use of "aunt" or "uncle" is enough.

What do you do in your house Babble readers? Do your kids have a familiarity with your friends' first names?

Image: Not on the High Street

Husband Loses Job, Wife Loses Respect For Him

Brett Singer — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 22:00:00 GMT

We all know how tough it is out there. The number of jobs is shrinking by the day, and layoffs are common. Many families still follow the traditional model where the husband is the breadwinner and the wife takes care of the children and housekeeping duties. Nothing wrong with that. But let's say dad loses his job. He didn't quit because he missed out on a promotion, nor was he fired for making photocopies of his butt. He was laid off. It happens. Mom should be supportive, right? Flexible. Do what needs to be done to keep the family together.

Well, yes. Of course. But in the case of this couple that was profiled on ABC's Good Morning America, wifey has lost respect for her fella. She's not attracted to him anymore. In fact, they are sleeping in separate beds.

The wife in question, Eleanor Hemmert, had this to say about her husband Rick: "It's the respect. I wish I could say something different, but I've lost so much respect for him. And I think the dynamics with a man and a woman is a woman has to respect her husband. And if she doesn't, that relationship just goes away."

In an illustration of what I meant when I questioned a passage from Kate Gosselin's book, Eleanor also said: "That's one of the basic things that little girls grow up thinking - that the man is going to put the roof over her head, he is going to support the family." And when it doesn't happen, you get angry. Expectations can be bad when the person is inflexible.

I'm not in their marriage, so I don't know what else is going on. But this couple chose to put themselves on TV, so I'm commenting. Anytime I hear a woman complain that her husband isn't doing the manly work that she expects her man to be doing, it really irks me. If a woman were told to stay home and get pregnant, and that her place was in the kitchen, preferably barefoot, would she like that? Or that it was perfectly reasonable to pay her less money than a man who does the same job? Granted, those things happen all the time. But they're wrong. So is this woman's attitude.

Of course, Husband Rick isn't helping matters. "I think it is in every man's DNA to be the breadwinner. It's very humbling for me. It changes the dynamic of our relationship immensely. There is a wedge that has appeared. I feel the anger. I feel the tension. This house is not as joyous as it should be."

See, that's a choice. It's not in any man's "DNA" that he has "to be the breadwinner." It's in his mind, and the mind of his wife. Sometimes things change. Is it unpleasant? Sure. Is it worth ruining your marriage for? No way.

I understand that it's probably very frustrating for any couple when the primary breadwinner loses their job. But it's not like Mr. Man decided to quit being a salesman in order to pursue his dream of being a rodeo clown. Wife Eleanor is also complaining that she has to work more hours now, and that Rick cooks dinner poorly. But is that really fair? If he's just sitting around the house all day with his feet up, I can see being annoyed about that. But that's different from being so furious about something that was outside of you and your husband's control that you can't even sleep in the same room anymore.

Their daughter Elizabeth is "picking up" the tension between mom and dad. While both husband and wife are angry at each other and feel "underappreciated", their daughter is "suffering silently," says ABC News. "If the kids sense that you are unhappy and you don't talk to them about it, they may incorrectly blame themselves," they say. Good advice. Maybe the Hemmerts will take it.

Source: ABC News

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British Parents Defend Son’s Suicide

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

After becoming paralyzed in a rugby training session, Daniel James repeatedly reiterated his desire for death to his friends and family. Last month, the 23-year-old Brit traveled to Switzerland, where he died at an assisted suicide clinic.

It goes without saying that Daniel’s parents, Julie and Mark James, are filled with grief. But they have stated that they respect their son’s decision. They wrote in a statement that his death, though a huge tragedy for those he left behind, was “no doubt a welcome relief from the 'prison' he felt his body had become and the day-to-day fear and loathing of his living existence.”

Helping someone take his life is illegal in Britain; prosecutors are looking into the circumstances of James’ death, but have not yet stated that they will press any charges.

Photo: MSNBC

Should Raising a Feminist Son be The Goal?

Amy Kuras — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:00:00 GMT

If you have a son – and aren’t a raving douchebag yourself – then thinking about how to raise a boy without him being one is something you have been thinking about since you first heard the words "it's a boy."

It seems like there is a lot of information out there about raising strong, independent, feminist girls, but very little about raising boys to respect women, discourage dehumanizing attitudes among their friends and generally be guys who see women as equal to themselves and deserving of the same rights and opportunities (including the right to not be harassed walking down the street, commented on and otherwise judged).

So this post by Annabel about raising a feminist son on Feministing was thought provoking. The comments were interesting as well, with several people saying that trying to encourage her son's sensitivity will get him chewed up and spit out as he gets older, as will allowing him to indulge his love of pink.

I agree with one commenter, though, who said the best thing she can do is talk to him about how to handle it if he does get mocked for wearing a pink sweater to school for example – to give him strategies for feeling different and encourage his self-esteem and self-acceptance.

And I think almost all of the commenters missed the role of fathers here. While I wouldn’t consider my husband a "feminist" man exactly, he respects and values my independence, plays physically with our girl as much as he does with our boy at each age, and just as importantly, shows our son as much affection. You can't raise your children (of any gender) exactly the same, of course, but he comes close.

In many ways, I think that modeling of how not to be a douche, of seeing boys get treated the same way as girls, of responding to your child as an individual versus a gender, is the most important factor in raising compassionate kids. Which I would say is art and parcel of feminism, and more important than "feminism" per se.

5 Ways To Prevent Drunken Douchebaggery in Your Boy

Amy Kuras — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:02:00 GMT

We all knew them in our younger days: the guys whose bodies were expertly crafted by Budweiser and yet who referred to any girl over 100 pounds as a "fat chick," who targeted dorky guys and quiet girls, who were always "that drunk asshole."

If you've got a boy and half a brain, you really, really don’t want your son to turn into That Guy. The fabulous ladies over at Jezebel have a great piece up, beautifully titled "5 Ways to Prevent your Son from Turning Into a Date-Rapey Alcoholic Douchebag."

The biggest thing, of course, is teaching him to treat himself and his fellow humans –male and female –with respect.

Help him understand the odds of injury when overindulging, the dangers of ending up alcoholic and that peers don’t always have the right idea –like that girls only like guys who act like assholes (okay, some of us were stupid but wised up sooner rather than later). Know his friends –if they are douches, chances are he will be acting like one too the minute he's out of your sight.

And most importantly – stay in touch when he goes away to school.

I like the article, but it rocks even harder because it was a response to a Newsweek piece about warning daughters about alcohol before they go away to school, including warning them about how drunkenness raises your chances of date rape. As one of the commenters over at Jezebel said "That's not the alcohol's fault, dude."

So much attention is given to girls and their need to control their sexuality, to not "send the wrong message." And while girls certainly need to be aware that the nice guy filling their drink at a party might just not have their best interests at heart, guys need to be equally as aware that rape is rape and it doesn’t matter how drunk or slutty the girl in question might be. While yes, our girls need "the talk" about relationships, self-respect and how to behave, so do our boys.

Parenting in the Real World: a Different Way of Looking at Things

Karen Murphy — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 19:28:00 GMT

I think most of us look for new ways of dealing with the things that come up in day-to-day parenting, the things that add up to the guidance we provide as parents to our kids, the things that will one day combine with genetics and their experiences with extended family, teachers, and other people of influence to create the adult who will eventually emerge from our children. We can read books or talk to other parents about their experiences to get these new ideas, these new perspectives.

I ran across something recently that, while not new, struck huge chords within me that I think will eventually have a huge impact on how I parent and indeed, how I interact with all sorts of other people.

The concept was partly from this article about Non-Violent Communication (also known as Compassionate Communication, which is, for me, a preferable title), and this is it:

Children are complete and whole people unto themselves. When we think of our children as a "child", it dehumanizes them and makes it our responsibility as parents to make them behave in a certain way. By detaching from that we can see our children as whole and complete, each having the ability to express what they want (based on developmental level) and also creates an environment of mutual respect, where both parties think that their needs matter and they are conscious that their needs and the other person’s well-being are interdependent.

So, wow. Just wow.

So do you see the effects of this, the potential? It means validating their feelings, acknowledging them as being just as important as, say, mine. I thought I was doing this, but I can see in some of the examples that there have been times when I resorted to the "I'm the mom and you should do it because I said so" mentality. On the flip side, I do believe that there are times, esecially those relating to immediate safety, that there is a need for absolute authority. After all, someone has to be the captain of the ship. But at the same time, if that aura of mutual respect is there, moving into a space of authority still works.

Sound interesting? Then I invite you to read the article. And I'd love to hear your thoughts.

P.S. Want some other thoughts on looking at children differently? I didn't write this wonderful piece on children and love but I'm a co-owner of the site.