Six Steps to a Parent-Friendly Wedding

Miriam Axel-Lute — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Kids and weddings—depending who you ask it’s a match made in heaven or a disaster in the offing. There are plenty of people out there who will happily give you tips about a "kid-friendly" wedding, making them feel special and valued with their own, less-stuffy invitations and special roles to play.

But what about their parents? As cute as they are, it’s not so much the babies that form the core of your invite list, right? It’s your own nearest and dearest, your siblings and cousins and family of choice, the people who remember you in your prom dress, take the late-night phone calls, and made sure you didn’t make the mistake of your life and marry that other guy/gal.

They want to come to your wedding, even if they’ve recently spawned and become that alien creature known as a “parent.” Here’s how to make them feel welcome:

(1)   Make it clear if the kids are invited—and to how much. Wedding invitation etiquette is complicated and subtle. Don’t assume that your parent friends have the brain to retain it all, or that they remember that they don’t now form a completely inseparable family unit with their kids. Spell it out: Either put the kids’ names on the invite or say “children welcome.” Or, if any part of your event is adults only, spell that out too. Whatever you do, don’t make anyone ask. Bonus points: Give a heads-up about “adult only” ceremonies and/or receptions at the save-the-date stage, especially for out-of-town invitees.

(2)   Offer child care—but make it optional. One of the major reasons the debate about children at weddings is eternal is that kids (and parents) are (news flash!) different. Some kids will be excited to see the ceremony, sit quietly watching or nursing or coloring, and generally be a better guest than your half-deaf uncle who provides audible running commentary about your weird religion from the fourth row. On the other hand, some will be miserable, cranky, and noisy. By offering the option of child care, you can give some parents the precious ability to be present at your ceremony without distractions without making others feel like they have to say no to their kid who’s all excited to see the pageantry or blow bubbles at you as you leave.

(3)   Know thyself. Kids in a wedding can be a great thing. But if you’re going to go to pieces if everything isn’t just so, don’t give young kids roles in your ceremony. Just don’t. Also seat parents of the under-5 crowd on the edge of the reception hall, near the exit. (This isn’t rude. No parent loves walking the gauntlet with a meltdown in progress.) If you want a parent to play a central role in your day, talk to him or her beforehand about naptimes, child care, etc. In other words, if you expect your maid of honor’s undivided attention for two hours before the organ starts to play or your brother to give a toast at a late-night reception, make sure they know it, and find out how realistic it is.

(4)   Look for a location with a playground or other child attraction. Face it: weddings, when you count the reception in, are long. Even the best-behaved child needs to let off a little steam in there. Luckily, this doesn’t require you to hold your wedding in a kiddie fun park. If you’re renting a house of worship, talk about having access to the nursery or RE room and/or the outdoor play area. If you’re doing a weekend wedding, look for resorts or camps that have a playground (though copious outdoors is generally enough). Hotels are more tricky, but many larger ones will have something available if you ask. If not, you can rent an extra conference room for child care and stock it with toys old, new, borrowed, and blue. Or just take my cousin’s approach, and put board games out at the reception itself.

(5)   Accommodate the stuff. For weekend-long weddings especially, but even for the shorter kind, parents tend to pack for weddings as for a vacation. Far from fitting everything they need into a clutch purse and a tuxedo pocket, they arrive laden with diaper bags, sippy cups, tote bags of favorite stories and stuffed animals, and insulated lunch bags filled with bottles/allergen-free foods/the only three foods the two-year-old will eat. An easily accessible coat rack, coat check, or other corner where it’s acceptable for them to lay down their load is a huge relief. Bonus: For weekends, especially, see if you can arrange refrigerator access.

(6)   Keep bedtime in mind. No, no, no. I don’t mean you can’t party nice and late. But remember: if you are having an evening wedding and guests are relying on you for dinner afterwards, allowing serving time to creep to 9 pm and later means many parents are going to have to choose between overtired tantrums (not something you want either) or not getting to eat. Or at least not getting to eat cake. And it sucks to miss the cake, you know?

Wedding planning is a balancing act worthy of the Karamazov brothers. But throwing parents’ needs into the mix early will earn you gratitude from your friends and family—and probably a wedding populated by happier kids too, a blessing worth a little planning.

Photo by anthrovik.

More by this author:

Child-Free Weddings: Brilliant or Bonkers?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:51:00 GMT

Planning a wedding makes people act insane. The latest proof of this is that, according to the BBC, it's become increasingly acceptable to outlaw little people at weddings. A longtime wedding planner named Barry Long said that including the words, “No Children Allowed” on a wedding invitation was taboo until about 10 years ago—now, he says, about half of weddings ban all children, while some allow only children of close family. (And you think the seat assignments cause rifts….)

Thank heavens for Jezebel’s refreshingly cynical take on this uptight trend. Not even considering the rudeness of forcing one’s wedding guests to pay for long-term childcare, weddings without kids seem to me like glorified bachelor(ette) parties. Even assuming that the bride and groom know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would never consider bringing a loud, smelly mini human into the world, aren’t weddings supposed to be about community, family, and playing with adorable flower girls after your third glass of peach champagne?

Besides, if you have friends who would not take a crying child outside of a wedding ceremony (or movie theatre) immediately, perhaps you should rethink your friends.

I think Jezebel commenter Emily Anne dove into the real heart of the matter when she wrote: “Also I want to know where this obsession with weddings being so damn perfect came from, I can't help feeling that if you get that pernickity nothing that comes after will ever be quite good enough, for example the boring day to day marriage stuff.”

Yep, hard as it for some childless people to accept, even adult-only events are not perfect.

Photo: Jezebel

Strollerderby : ring bearers

Six Steps to a Parent-Friendly Wedding

Child-Free Weddings: Brilliant or Bonkers?