Strollerderby : scary

8 "PG" Movies Way Too Scary for Kids

Cole Gamble — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:00:00 GMT

As you may know, I'm a big fan of traumatizing kids movies. So when I came upon Brian Hanson's article, The 8 PG-Rated Movies That Should Not Have Been Rated PG, I knew I'd need to post a bit of it. Here's a smackering of freaky-ass movies that somehow got the same rating as Shrek.

Gremlins (1984)

It's been widely acknowledged that both Gremlins and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Steven Spielberg's one-two 1984 punch of darkly comic blockbusters, directly led to the creation of the PG-13 rating. Gremlins is chock-full of wanton puppet terror and gore, with the titular hellions getting stabbed, beheaded, and exploded in wonderful blurts of green and brown. Of course, despite creating the PG-13 rating, neither Gremlins nor Temple of Doom were ever submitted for re-rating, so the PG rating still stands to this day for both movies. So Gremlins, with its graphic tale of Phoebe Cates' character's father decaying and rotting in a Santa suit after getting stuck inside the chimney on Christmas, gets the PG pass.

Wizards (1977)

Yay, a cartoon set off in a magical land! Sounds like Shrek again. Hold up, this baby's directed by Ralph Bashki, the guy who made edgy, X-rated cartoons like Fritz the Cat and Heavy Traffic (and the controversial Saturday morning update of Mighty Mouse). Wizards is a certifiable, goddamn mess, full of lame rotoscoped animation and tasteless invocation of Nazi imagery, but even for a PG-rated movie in 1977 it feels a little grotesque. There's a seemingly endless battle scene chock full of crudely-animated orcs and elves disemboweling each other, lots of cartoon characters saying naughty words, and a buxom nymph whose nipples seem incapable of being properly contained by her sheer clothing.

Watership Down (1978)

I touched on this in my own traumatizing kids movies article, but not enough can be said abut the movie in which cute fluffy bunnies rip the bloody hell out of each other.

It's pretty much a cartoon bunny horror film, as a small, ragtag group of rabbits are slowly done in by a variety of nasty enemies—owls, hunger, disease, bloodthirsty hounds, and even each other. There's another animated version that exists that would've saved me from the week's worth of nightmares and tears, but unfortunately it arrived nine years too late.

You can check out the rest of Brian's piece here.

More Good Stuff:

6 Reasons Why it Sucks to Be a Kid Today

Disturbing Baby-Swinging PSA

Dumb Kiddy Product Makeovers

9 Steps to Keep Your Kid from Ruining a Wedding

Eating Your Baby's Placenta

10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children

Cole Gamble — Tue, 19 May 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Great finds from Cracked.com

I Wish Daddy Didn’t Drink So Much

Wanna know why daddy's always asleep sunday afternoon, a high life tipping out of his limp hand and pouring onto the floor? Or how about when daddy gets all worked up and strats yelling at ghosts. Children's books are a great way to help kids cope with real problems, but if daddy really is a raging alcoholic, you need more than a book, kid.

The House That Crack Built

Don't sell drugs, kids, or one day you'll live in a beautfiul mansion.

Hiroshima No Pika

Once upon a time we dropped an atomic bomb on Japan and no matter how many of their cars we buy they're still a little peeved about it. As Cracked writer Michael Swaim puts it,

And yes, this book for kindergartners is about that. According to the author, the book is based on a true account of a woman leading her child out of the A-Bomb’s blast radius while carrying her wounded husband on her back. According to the picture on the cover, it’s about women running topless through a sea of blood.

More throughly depressing children's entertainment here.

More Good Stuff:

Eating Your Baby's Placenta

Dumb Kiddy Product Makeovers

Disturbing Baby-Swinging PSA

Danger Babies: Why Why Why?

Amy Kuras — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:01:00 GMT

I am heading into Toddlerdom: The Sequel so one would think I am fairly imperturbable by now, but not so much. Reading this story from USA Today about the terrifying near-misses toddlers get themselves into alternately made me laugh, screech in horror and knock every piece of wood I could reach, lest I tempt fate by finding any of this the least bit amusing.

We’re talking kids who unlock gates and toddle into the street – at 18 months of age. When they had been sound asleep in bed. Twins who boost each other over the baby gate.

This makes my near misses sound mild (my daughter pulled her toy shelf onto herself and a TV down on the floor, both of which still give me the twitches when I think about how lucky we were things were not much, much worse).

But there are some evolutionary reasons for this heart-stopping behavior, apparently. Gumming everything may expose them to tiny amounts of germs that help strengthen their immune systems, and eating dirt maybe gets them some iron (I don’t know, my daughter was borderline anemic and my funniest memory of her first mobile summer was watching her sit in the garden while I worked and just fling dirt over her head and attempt to eat it).

Of course, then you’d think evolution would breed this dangerous behavior out of them –but children in early hunter gather cultures were carried in slings throughout toddlerhood, giving hem less opportunity to get into stuff.

Honestly, I think it’s better for kids to be a little more free-range once they can stand on their own little feet. Even the most dedicated babywearers I know tend to let them down a little more once they are bigger, and both my kids have to be on the move to be happy.

But there are days when swaddling him in bubble wrap doesn’t seem like the worst idea. What’s your best “mear miss” moment with a toddler?

Bizarro News: Flaming Squirrel Sets Elementary School on Fire

Cole Gamble — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 15:30:00 GMT

This is going to be tough for the school to collect insurance on. I severely doubt the school district’s insurance policy includes, “Destruction by Act of Flaming Squirrel.”

Firefighters in Jones, Oklahoma say the probable cause for a 5 acre wildfire that triggered the evacuation of an elementary school came from a squirrel exploding into flames due to touching two power lines and then falling into a grassy field.

The elementary school children were evacuated to a local high school; none sustained any injuries.

Donations for the squirrel's bereaved family will be accepted at your nearest tree.

More by this Author:

Anti-Abortion Group Up In Arms Over Krispy Kreme Abortion Donuts

"I Ate Little Black Girls for Two Years"

4 Ways to Be a Better Parent

Barbie’s Creator A Sexual Pervert

Should You Take A Risk on Orgasmic Birth? (Orgasmic Birth Video included)

4 Ways Birth and Breastfeeding Will Ruin Sex

Pete Wentz: "I've Tasted Ashley's Breast Milk."

Banana Dildos and the 10 Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 1)

"I Ate Little Black Girls for Two Years"

Cole Gamble — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:00:00 GMT

Listeners tuned into a British radio talk show got a pretty damn shocking surprise when a caller informed the host she had eaten “little black girls” for two years. Apparently, she didn’t know she was doing it at the time, but she did declare them "delicious."

Keep reading to hear the actual phone conversation.

(WARNING: Content is not only horrifying but maybe racist.)

Click Here to listen:

Gotta love how flip the host reacted. “Well, you win the weirdest thing eaten contest.” Does that mean he’s gonna send her a pair of tickets to Supertramp? Maybe he didn’t buy her story. Or maybe that kind of thing happens all the time in England.

More by this Author:

Anti-Abortion Group Up In Arms Over Krispy Kreme Abortion Donuts

Bizarro News: Flaming Squirrel Sets Elementary School on Fire

4 Ways to Be a Better Parent

Barbie’s Creator A Sexual Pervert

Should You Take A Risk on Orgasmic Birth? (Orgasmic Birth Video included)

4 Ways Birth and Breastfeeding Will Ruin Sex

Pete Wentz: "I've Tasted Ashley's Breast Milk."

Banana Dildos and the 10 Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 1)

The Demise of the Fairy Tale

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:30:00 GMT

Do you read traditional fairy tales to your kids? If so, you are in a dwindling group of parents. According to a survey of 3,000 British parents, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel are increasingly being replaced by happier modern favorites like Gruffalo and The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 25 percent of parents choose not to ever read fairy tales to their kids and 65 percent do not choose fairy tales for bedtime stories.

According to the parents who object to fairytales, Cinderella is not empowered enough. Rapunzel is “too dark.” Little Red Hiding is a bad role model for kids because she walks alone in the woods. And one-tenth of parents believe Snow White is offensive because of the un-PC term “dwarf.”

I can certainly understand the need to carefully introduce your kids to fairy tales—some of them are pretty scary, and I’ll be the first to admit that being rescued from a life of servitude by a handsome prince is no healthy goal for a young girl. But if you’re going to shield your child from Cinderella so as to avoid imparting gender stereotypes, you would have to shield her from nearly all pop culture. If Little Red Riding Hood is violent or scary, even commercials for the latest Superman movie are downright terrifying. And if Snow White wrongly teaches young women the value of being the “fairest in all the land,” Bratz dolls wrongly teach girls to be the most scantily clad in all the land.

This is not to say that we should just give up on fighting media that gives kids the wrong messages, but perhaps Jack and the Beanstalk is not the best battlefield.

Photo: The Daily Mail

Silent Fright: 9 Creepy and Unsettling Christmas Commercials

Cole Gamble — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:30:00 GMT

#1 Ronald McDonald Plays with Children

If you wern't afraid of clowns before, now's the time to start.

#2 Vern Fonk Insurance Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas, from Satan

#3 Go Jesus

I don't know. I kind of like Bust a Move Jesus. You think our Lord and Savior can't shake his ass? Sinner!

#4 Mom is Santa

When you discover mom is a dominatrix, you've actually discovered two things. Dad's the gimp.

#5 A Very Scary Christmas

Do you think Freddy and Jason get into a fight over who gets to carve the ham?

#6 Santa Takes a Dump

Can Santa sue for defamation of character?

#7 Christmas Morning Meltdown

To be fair, that's how I reacted last Christmas when I got the diamond-studded Hummer 2 instead of the diamond-studdied Hummer 3 I asked for.

#8 Mistletoe Surprise

Thanks, Canadian company I can't remember. You runied Christmas with dog's nards. Congrats!

#9 The Dancing, Stripping Christmas Present

This guy wants to show us his package. Badly.

More by this author:

A Guy’s Take on Stay at Home Moms and Dads (Part 1: The Cons)

Banana Dildos and the 10 Worst Toys and Gifts This Christmas (part 1)

Skinny Jeans for Little Boys?

Desert Island Disks – Kid Music Edition

Gangsta’ Muppets: 12 of the Best Kids Show/Rap Mash-Ups

The Worst Baby Products Ever (Part I)

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

FDA Sets Standard For Melamine in Formula

Amy Kuras — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:31:00 GMT

Well, well, WELL.

After some public outcry over trace amounts of melamine found in infant formula here in the US, the Food and Drug Administration has finally decided that they can, in fact, set a safety standard for melamine. Previous to the agency’s releasing tests it had done which revealed the presence of the chemical in baby formula, they had said it was impossible to set a safety standard, indicating that any level of melamine was of concern.

The new level is 1 part per million for both melamine and its chemical relative cyanuric acid.

According to the Associated Press, which broke the story, “Dr. Stephen Sundlof, the FDA's director of food safety, said Friday the agency was confident in the 1 part per million level for either of the chemicals alone, even though there have been no new scientific studies since October that would give regulators more safety data. He had no ready explanation for why the level was not set earlier.

The standard is the same as the one public health officials have set in Canada and China, but is 20 times higher than the most stringent level in Taiwan.”

According to Sundlof, it’s the lack of both chemicals being present that is key to safety, because studies show danger from melamine only when both chemicals are present.

It should be noted that the melamine found in the US formula is far below the level that killed three babies in China and sickened thousands of others.

Horrifyingly Cute Animals

Cole Gamble — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Prepare to be frightened and swooned by this gallery of scary/adorable animals.

All thanks to Photoshop and Worth1000.com

More by this Author:

10 WORST. BABY. PRODUCTS. EVER! (Part 1)

The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever

10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)

Cute Overload: White Tiger Kitten and Monkey are Friends (PICS!)

Men with Baby Heads

Melamine Found in US Formula

Amy Kuras — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Thought your baby was safe from melamine-tainted formual because he or she isn't in China? Think again!!

Yes, tests by the Food and Drug Administration revealed that formula made by the three biggest formula manufacturers – Abbot Labs, makers of Similac, Mead Johnson, makers of Enfamil, and Nestle, makers of Good Start – has either trace levels of melamine or a chemical by-product of melamine. Together, these formulas make up 90 percent of all formula sold in the US.

Melamine is the chemical found in Chinese infant formula that has been blamed for killing at least three babies and making at least 50,000 others ill. Of course, the melamine in the Chinese formula was intentionally added to make it look like it had higher protein than it actually did. At the small amounts found in the American formula, the nutritional profile would not be affected. The tainted Chinese formula also had melamine added in much, much higher concentrations than that found in the American formula.

Previously undisclosed tests, obtained by The Associated Press under the Freedom of Information Act, show the FDA has detected melamine in a sample of Enfamil Lipil and the presence of cyanuric acid, a chemical relative of melamine, in Nestle Good Start.

The Food and Drug Administration said last month it was unable to identify any melamine exposure level as safe for infants, but a top official said it would be a "dangerous overreaction" for parents to stop feeding infant formula to babies who depend on it.

"The levels that we are detecting are extremely low," said Dr. Stephen Sundlof, director of the FDA's Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition. "They should not be changing the diet. If they've been feeding a particular product, they should continue to feed that product. That's in the best interest of the baby."

The levels detected by the FDA tests are well below the standards set for melamine in other parts of the developed world, and are equivalent to one drop in a 64-gallon trash can.

But still. Yikes. Somehow I think this is the tip of a very big iceberg.

Disaster Girl Strikes!

Kelly Mills — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:32:00 GMT

No one can look more terrifying than a kid. Demon-children make the best monsters, maybe because there's something so terrifying about looking innocent but being heartless. Like Disaster Girl. She scares me.

Okay, now Disaster Girl is actually a picture of a kid with a Mona Lisa-like smaile and sinister expression near a fire. Now folks have photoshopped her into many tragedies, documenting her reign of terror. There's a couple here, but you should totally check out the full gallery. And maybe even make one of your own. Mwah ha ha.

When Legos Become Art

Video of Baby Panda Playing

Breaking News: Cadbury chocolate made in China recalled

Brett Singer — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:15:00 GMT

The AP is reporting that Cadbury is "recalling 11 types of Chinese-made chocolates after tests found they contained the industrial chemical melamine." This follows the recall of tainted milk powder in China.

AND, according to Newsinferno.com, a specific candy made by Cadbury called "White Rabbit" has been found to contain Melamine, the substance that cause more than 50,000 children to fall ill in China. The candy has been "distributed to California, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Minnesota, New York, Oregon, Texas, and Washington state through wholesale distributors to retail stores."

Before you say what I said ("Newsinferno? What's that?"), here's a link to the FDA's press release about the recall.

Newsinferno also reports that, "Pizza Hut suspended supplying cheese powder found to be contaminated by melamine in Pizza Hut’s Taiwan branch." Unless you happen to be in Taiwan, this one is pretty easy to avoid, but the White Rabbit stuff sounds like it could be in your local candy shoppe. Plus there are 11 other varieties, such as Eclairs (sold in Australia). So be careful.

But wait! There's more! According to Wikipedia, this White Rabbit stuff was recalled last year in the Philippines because it contained formaldehyde. Yum!

Anyone else in the mood for some good news? Like, "Field of unicorns found frolicking in Central Park, film at 11"? Sorry, I made that one up. Sounds good though, right?

Sources: CBS News/AP, Newsinferno.com, Sydney Morning Herald, Wikipedia (also image)

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Now Chinese Coffee May Also Be Contaminated

Chinese Milk Scandal Heads to Europe. Is the U.S. Next? Yes!

YOU say: I got fooled (update to "They USED to say: give babies cola")

UPDATE: Tainted Milk Tally tops 50,000

Brett Singer — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:00:00 GMT

An update to the tainted milk story from VOANews.com:

China is vowing to stop tainted milk from reaching export markets, amid a growing scandal...Four Chinese infants have already died from drinking toxic milk products and more than 53,000 others have been made sick...The widening scandal has already claimed resignations from several officials, including Li Changjiang, the head of China's top quality inspection agency.

Apparently this was a known problem for eight months before anyone did anything about it.

53,000 kids sick? Nasty.

Original post follows.

*-*-*-*-*

The number of children affected by a dangerous chemical in certain brands of Chinese-made baby formula is going up. CNN is reporting that more than 13,000 children in China have been, "sickened by tainted milk."

The details are even worse: four babies have died, and a 3-year-old girl in Hong Kong was hospitalized after drinking the tainted formula. The little girl was released, but this means that the illnesses are no longer isolated to Mainland China.

AND: "In addition, nearly 40,000 other infants and young children have received outpatient medical treatment and consultation as a result of the tainted milk," according to Xinhua, China's state-run news agency.

The issue, according to published reports, is that the formula contains a chemical called melamine, which is a "key ingredient in most fire retardant materials." In other words, not something anyone should be eating.

Full details are on CNN.com.

A reader emailed to ask if we knew whether or not any U.S. formula brands were affected. We do not. That's not to say that there is any reason to think that there IS a problem with any U.S. baby formulas; as far as I know (the key words there are "as far as I know") there have been no recalls or reports of infants becoming sick from baby formula in the United States. Still, I would be very careful with any formula that you buy, especially if you have any reason to believe it was manufactured in China. To clarify: we are NOT saying that you should avoid any brand of baby formula, we are only telling you what CNN has reported. There has been some concern that boxes of Sanlu-brand formula may be on store shelves in Chinese grocery stores in the United States; more details are here.

Source: CNN
Image: china.org.cn

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They say: Chinese baby formula is dangerous

Brett Singer — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 16:30:00 GMT

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a waning about baby formula made in China. These products are illegal in the U.S., but the FDA fears that some bottles may have found their way onto store shelves in Chinese neighborhoods.

Before I start a worldwide panic, let me point out that the FDA also said, "There is no threat of contamination in the domestic supply of infant formula." So you can give your little one good ol' U.S. baby formula (provided there are no La Leche people nearby – ba dum bum.)

According to Chinese officials, "contaminants were found in Sanlu-brand milk formula," which, "killed one baby and caused kidney stones in dozens of others who may have drunk the same product." A recall of the product was issued in China on August 6.

The FDA...said agency officials were concerned the Chinese formula may be tainted with melamine, the contaminant found in pet food ingredients from China and linked to the deaths and illnesses of hundreds of cats and dogs in 2007.

Bad stuff. If this formula is on sale in the U.S., or anyplace else, I hope it gets pulled from the shelves.

Source: Reuters
Image: china.org.cn

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Babies And Benjamins: Should Celebs Sell Photos?

Amy Kuras — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:02:00 GMT

With the long-awaited birth of the Jolie-Pitt twins this week came the inevitable bidding war over their first photos. The couple reportedly got $11 million from People for the newborn's first photos.

They claim they'll donate it to charity. But I am still thoroughly disgusted. ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS.

I live in a city where people are losing their homes, food banks are empty, and old people can’t afford to go to the doctor and some idiot thinks THAT'S the most appropriate use of $11 million?

There's a better and more in-depth discussion of the issue here. As one of the journalism profs in the article noted, this is a couple who is already, to say the least, in a position to donate huge sums to charity. The fact that they donated half – half! – of the $4 million they got for pictures of their daughter Shiloh to worthy causes is certainly better than those celebs like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony who say "thankyouverymuch" and pocket the cash without a second thought as to the good that money could do. And by "good" I don’t mean several new pairs of Manolos.

The only reason celebrities are celebrities is because they already have a good deal of our money. I mean, someone saw Gigli. To give them yet more for something as silly as baby pictures just feels wrong, like the world's out of whack.

And it leads to scary celebrity worship. I understand celeb's attitude that they wantot control when and how the pictures come out, but as the article linked points out, other magazines certainly don’t respectfully step off once a star inks a deal. It just feeds the cultural sickness that means Britney Spears can't go get a Slurpee without 70 photographers hounding her. Would be still even be hearing about Nicole Richie or Tori Spelling if they weren't pimping out their babies? If we gave a fraction of the attention to serious matters, not to mention a fraction of the money, that we give to celebrities and their babies we would not be in half the trouble we're in economically, politically and socially.

And, you know, there's the whole pimping out their babies aspect. I think if you're going to show off your baby as a celeb, do it for free. Otherwise, it's just exploitive. Even if the money goes to a good cause. Use some of your own millions for that and let the baby have some shred of normalcy, please. How would you feel is you'd been treated as a commodity from before you were born?

Oh well, as Northwestern journalism professor emeritus Abe Peck said: "The bottom line is the public wants to see this stuff. In a better world, maybe someone would pay $20 million for photos of Nelson Mandela's grandchildren."

Woman held captive for out of wedlock birth is finally free

Brett Singer — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Just when you think you've heard it all…

A 47 year-old woman named Maria Monaco was found locked in a room in a house near Naples, Italy. Her family had kept her there since 1990. Her crime was getting pregnant out of wedlock.

The police were acting on an anonymous tip and found Ms. Monaco "in a confused state and surrounded with filth and excrement she was living in squalor." Her jailers were her siblings, Prisco (brother) and Michelina (sister). They've been arrested by the Caribinieri (Italian paramilitary police force); Monaco's 80 year-old mother has been placed under house arrest.

But what about the kid she gave birth to? Well, he's 17 now, and lives in a nearby town. He reportedly didn't know anything about this. Police are looking for the father, but they aren't releasing his name (the mother's name, they have no trouble telling everyone.) It has been difficult to interview Ms. Monaco because she has been so psychologically damaged by the experience, according to reports.

This is kind of like the case of the Austrian lunatic Josef Fritzl, although he's very clearly a lone sociopath. This is more of a conspiracy amongst family members to keep some family dirt a secret.

image: dailymail

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Mom Mightily Furious After Babies Switched at Birth

Amy Kuras — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:02:00 GMT

Seems like terrifying maternity ward news is all the rage at the 'Derby. Every new parent, especially those of us who've given birth to a baby that looks nothing like us or our partners, had probably had this thought cross their mind: "What if I got the wrong baby and this one isn't mine at all?" Well, one mom's contending with just that. In Whittier, California, a new mom has filed a complaint with the state against Whittier Hospital Medical Center after they switched her baby with another for several hours the day after she gave birth to her son.

Maegan Donovan-Nikolic said hospital staff brought her the wrong baby and kept him in her room for several hours. The baby brought to her was Latino, while she is Caucasian, and she spent most of that time staring at the other baby, worried she didn’t recognize her own child. Hospital staff finally switched them back when she realized the baby's wristband had another name on it.

The hospital says the babies were only switched for an hour and 20 minutes, and that neither baby was breastfed or had any medical procedures performed during that time.

Donovan-Nikolic is attempting to get the hospital to release the other mother's medical records, because if she breastfed Donovan-Nikolic's baby during that time he could have been exposed to several communicable diseases including HIV. The hospital is refusing to do so, citing patient confidentiality. But her son, and likely the other mother's baby as well, will need to be tested until their fifth birthdays to ensure they were not exposed to anything.

Holy cats, people. It's a Lifetime movie in the making. Oh, wait, been done.

The 5 Scariest “Kid” Movies of All Time

Cole Gamble — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Labyrinth (1986)

When you think about it, the idea of a Muppet is inherently frightening. Felt and glass eyes lurching about in a folly of life. Ironically, the Muppets aren’t the least human thing in this movie. That honor would go to honorary space alien David Bowie. Androgynous, sparkle eyeliner wearing, spandex and mulleted, coked up, full-on Ziggy Stardust-mode David Bowie. Listen, I love this movie, but watching David Bowie sashay around in an “enhanced” codpiece for hours on end has informed (or malformed) my concept of gender types far more than I’d like to admit. Luckily, a young Jennifer Connolly is on hand to straighten things out. Did I mention I love this movie?

The Polar Express (2004)

Robert Zemeckis clearly thinks zombies are cute. Realistically animated flesh with cold, dead, dead eyes is his idea of family entertainment. And by realistic flesh, I mean realistic for a burn victim. This thing is horrifying from top to bottom; just a colossal misjudgment by Zemeckis of what human beings find enjoyable. And it’s funny because anyone who saw the preview knew it immediately. But this thing sold a ticket or two, so someone had to have walked into this picture sight unseen. Oh what must they have been thinking? “A holiday film by the director and star of Forrest Gump? Tom Hanks playing Santa Claus as well as 37 other roles? What a delightfu—OH GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING UP ON SCREEN! I CLOSE MY EYES AND I CAN STILL SEE IT!”

Cars (2006)

Let’s see: a world devoid of humans where the machines come to life? This is nothing more than the animated version of a James Cameron post-apocalyptic fever dream. When exactly did SkyNet take over? There is no bleaker film on this list.

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Muppets make it to the list again. That Jim Henson, God bless his soul, was one dark dude. Riding high on the success of The Muppet Show, Jim took his Hollywood leverage and made this doozy for the kiddies. Miss Piggy and Gonzo loving kids and parents must have thought this J.R.R. Tolkien-like epic would be an adorable Kermit-dressed-as-a-Hobbit romp.

What they got were the Skesis, lizard bird creatures that ate other Muppets and shrieked in such a way, I still can’t get it out of my head. Then there’s the Crypt Keeper-looking Muppet who takes her eyeballs out and throws them at people. Oh and those gigantic beetle things with their skin-crawling chattering—always with the chattering.

And then there’s this:

And that’s supposed to be cute.

This movie proves one thing; Jim Henson had a very love-hate relationship with children. One moment he wants to sooth them with the clickity-clack of a tap dancing frog, the next he wants them laying in a cold sweat for yet another fear-wracked, sleepless night.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

No, I don’t mean the recent 2005 version, although that is plenty scary. Johnny Depp’s unflinching commitment to portraying Michael Jackson should alone be enough to grant a house call from CPS to any parent who dragged their kid to that one. No, I’m talking about the original (though inaccurately titled) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Look past the singing dwarves with jaundice and the constant child maulings; the fear factor in this one boils down to one scene. And you all know which scene I’m talking about. Say it with me:

There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes, the danger must be growing / 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing!

The tunnel scene of this movie is the single most frightening sequence in all of seventies cinema. And we’re talking about a decade that brought us The Exorcist and Alien. Gene Wilder is simply brilliant in this subversive kiddie classic. One look at him and there is no way your believing this movie really is for children. Let me ask you, if Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka rang your doorbell, would you let him in? Didn’t think so. He’s the pusherman, baby. A totally Technicolor, sociopathic pimp. In one master stroke this film says, “hey kids, this is what dropping acid is like. The first time’s free. Enjoy the seventies!”

Picky 3-Year-Old Heads Home -- Alone! -- For Lunch

Madeline Holler — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:13:00 GMT

Let's just say parents of the 3-year-old girl who left school alone and unnoticed are pissed.

Their little girl Leonie didn't like the day's lunch menu so she didn't line up with the others when it was time for their afternoon meal. Instead, she walked out of the school and through a gate that had been left unlocked and headed down the street, making her way back home.

Nobody at her school noticed that she wasn't in the lunchline. In fact, they didn't realize she had even left. Mercifully, a real estate agent saw the little girl in her school uniform, no bag, no coat, and unescorted and went right over to see why she was out in the streets.

Leonie had walked around a quarter of a mile and was heading towards a busy dual carriageway when luckily a passer-by spotted her and escorted safely back to school.

It wasn't until the girl was brought back that the school realized she had left, which is when they called her parents. Of course, they're going over their safety standards and making sure all the gateways are locked and secure.

So just what was being served that day for lunch? Pork chops! Damn, girl. My kids would have made the opposite trek -- home to school -- for those eats!

Photo: Daily Mail

Go Ahead and Take Young Kids to Racy Movies

Madeline Holler — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 21:20:00 GMT

Because I have no clue what I'm doing as a parent -- and I mean that sincerely -- I am susceptible to taking parenting advice from New York Times movie writers and anybody else who tells me what I want to hear. Dangerous? Sure, but I figure, if a guy from the Times is wrecking his kids, can't I?

Today's questionable advice, which I believe has led to the opening of a tightly sealed floodgate for me: screw movie ratings, take your kid to grown-up movies. OK, I will!

He writes:

"... while I am happy (or at least willing) to take my children to the latest animated or tweener-star-driven “family” movies — with their singing chipmunks and chirpy Loch Ness Monsters — we gravitate more and more toward age- inappropriate fare, exploring the grown-up realms of PG-13 and even, sometimes, R."

His daughter is in the third grade and his son is in the sixth and they've seen it all. Or a lot of it, he bravely discloses. You know what? Good for him (actually, good for them, the kids, the family.) His son loved the international intrigue of Charlie Wilson's War and thought Sweeney Todd was just great. He doesn't think The Kite Runner, after all, a story about a close friendship, should be adults-only.

"... children, more than critics, are receptive to anything that doesn’t bore them. Mine were enchanted by “Persepolis,” for instance, which is after all the story of a rebellious young girl contending with unjust authority. It’s not so different from “The Golden Compass” (which they also liked), except that instead of taking place in a computer-generated fantasy world full of armored bears it is set in the real country of Iran, which is rendered in beautifully drawn ink-washed two-dimensional animation. “Persepolis” is also in French, but don’t let that put you off. If your children can read just-right books, surely they can read subtitles too."

One of the big trade-offs with having kids for me was cutting way down on movie-going. It's expensive when you have to budget for a babysitter, and you have to do a little more planning than in the olden days, when I could just show up and see whatever, whenever. But one thing I have been looking forward to is when the older girl gets old enough to come with me -- to movies I want to see. Hey, I guess she already is! A guy in the New York Times said so! (Though I think I'll put There Will Be Blood in my Netflix queue, just to be safe.)

What about you? When are your kids going to be old enough to see your movies?

Photo: www.ageowns.com

In Defense of Clowns

Karen Murphy — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 17:35:00 GMT

Clowns. Ugh. I sort of shudder to even write that word. Scary. Wrong. Weird. Twisted.

More than once I've had to escort one child or another far from the vicinity of a clown encountered at a fair or festival. There's something about the makeup, the hair, the...clownishness, that freaks kids out and makes their parents uncomfortable. Take this list, for example, and you pretty much get the horror that we think of as clowns. I hate them too.

But interestingly, clowns as we think of them are far removed from clownING. Which is a whole different thing, really, and is something kids do naturally. Let me explain:

Clowning is an art form, a form of exaggerated expression that brings forth the inner emotion of the moment. Think about it. My kids do this every day, and quite naturally. Eric, my youngest, feels anger quite often. He's speech-delayed, having trouble forming words, yet he knows the words and knows what he wants to say but can't express it, at least not so he's understood. Hence, frustration. Which leads to anger. So he growls a lot, growls his anger. So we make a game of it: who can growl the loudest? We exaggerate the feeling, using our entire bodies, our voices, our faces, to express that anger. And afterward the tension is relieved, Eric can more quietly try again to express what it is that he wants, and we go on with our day.

And it works with my other kids as well, though I have to be careful that my exaggeration of their emotion doesn't come off as making fun of them. It's better to exaggerate your own emotions, and how better to do this than by making a big show of it? Eric's birthday cake ends upon the floor when I tried to turn it out of its pan? Let's all wail and cry our grief over the poor, poor cake! So we did that and it was great fun, and the kids even helped clean it up afterward.

And doing this helps remove some of the I'm-the-parent-and-you're-the-child thing, too. I mean, it's important to hold that distinction, as kids need guidance and a framework of some sort of structure, but at the same time by clowning you can create the atmosphere of mutual respect that I think is so important in helping kids grow up feeling empowered. And if you can have some fun together along the way? Even better!

Photo: Redbookmag.com

Scary Books and Little Kids: Yes or No?

Karen Murphy — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 16:54:00 GMT

Several years ago we acquired some Henry and Mudge books, sweet stories about a boy and his big best-friend dog. One story, though, seemed to bother my kids, a Halloween-themed story about when Henry's mother tells ghost stories and Henry thinks he'd going to be scared but it turns out it's his dog that's scared and so Henry feels better since he has someone to comfort. Oh. Spoiler alert, sorry. But my point is, I thought this story was totally tame, yet it scared my kids. Which tells me that kids have a totally different barometer when it comes to scary stuff than we think they do.

Okay, I admit that my kids are on the sensitive side, but honestly, aren't all kids? Most kids under the age of six or seven or so live in a world largely of their own making. While frustrating to the rest of us at times, I think it's this dreamlike semi-awareness that allows kids to maintain their creativity well into adulthood. And I'm not ready to poke holes in that dream world by introducing reality (as I see it) too soon, nor by introducing elements that can be grabbed by their imaginations and twisted into something spectacularly scary.

Remember being little and looking around your dark room at night? Seeing shadows that you were positive were witches, maybe, or monsters, which somehow disappeared by morning after you finally fell asleep? So when did you realize that they were simply shadows made into something by imagination? I don't think that little kids have that ability.

And neither does the National Association for the Education of Young Children, which defines what they see as developmentally appropriate in terms of early childhood education, which naturally includes books.

And this article suggests going easy on the scary images for little kids and making Halloween more about being fun than being scary. Frankly, I think the whole costume thing can be scary for little kids, as well as walking around in the dark and ringing strange doorbells, but maybe that's just me.