Strollerderby : sex after kids

"Sexy Moms" to Discuss Lesbian Parenting

Miriam Axel-Lute — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 12:28:00 GMT

If you were a lesbian couple, where would you think to go to learn about "navigating the medical world as a lesbian couple, communication between the birth and non-birth mother, changing desires, and 'donor dads.'"?

Perhaps your local sex toy store?

No, not the one under the overpass with the blocked up windows and purple neon sign staffed by creepy ex-cons. Your local feminist sex toy store. The kind whose atmosphere is described as "like a shoe store except for the displays of lube and vibrators," sports an extensive how-to library, and hosts public educational and social events.

In this case, Brooklyn's Babeland store, to be exact, which is hosting a discussion of lesbian parenting next Wednesday, April 29, as part of its ongoing "Sexy Moms Series." (Similar events also happen at Babeland's West Coast stores.)

Wedensday's event will feature Lauren Abrams, a community health center midwife from Park Slope, who will speak about her experience as a lesbian partner raising two children and Babeland co-founder Claire Cavanah, who will about her experience as a single lesbian mom. Young kids are welcome; a corner of (kids) toys will be available.

The monthly series, which is billed as "a night for moms looking to put the zing back in their sex lives. We’ll discuss issues relating to desire, body image, making time for sex, and what it means to be a sex-positive family," is itself almost a year old. Past topics have included nutrition, sex and the new parent, and "sex, sanity, and sleep."

It makes more sense to me than discussing sex and parenting with doctors who don't know much about either or looking for help in the pages of Cosmo (kids? what kids?) or Parenting (sex? what sex?).

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Evangelical Preacher Urges Congregants to Have More Sex

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:00:00 GMT

Addressing his congregation of 20,000, Rev. Ed Young urged his married followers to spice up their love life with some increased intimacy. "And when I say intimacy, I don't mean holding hands in the park or a back rub," the Texan evangelical preacher clarified. After all, Young reminded his flock, sex was God's idea in the first place.

More sex, Young has frequently argued, means that you "will perform better at work, leave a loving legacy for your children to follow and may even prevent an extramarital affair."

I think I kind of like this guy. As I've pointed out elsewhere, evangelical teens are more sexually active than almost any other religious group. This kind of open talk about hot sex in marriage is necessary if the church wants to keep teens committed to abstinence.

Young challenged his congregants to a "congregational copulation" (hot!): seven days in a row of lovemaking for the Lord. And the results, judging from the looks of Madeline and Rob Hulsey (pictured), were nothing short of miraculous. On the Sunday after the challenge was issued, Young's wife, wearing tight jeans and knee-high black boots, said that at the end of this "sexperiment," many of the congregants were "smiling."

As for single people, Young suggested eating chocolate cake. 'Cause that's sort of the same as physical intimacy with another human being....

Photo: New York Times

Evangelical Teens' Very Active Sex Lives

The words every woman longs to hear: are you through yet?

Brett Singer — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

A survey has concluded that men with QDS (Quickie Dickie Syndrome) are doing just fine, thank you. The "optimal" time for intercourse is -- wait for it -- between three and thirteen minutes.

That's quite a range if you think about it, especially for parents. Three minutes, you can do your business while the kids are getting dressed for school. Finding thirteen minutes is much more difficult.

I'm not knocking anyone for the length of their "act" -- far from it. Once children are in your house, anytime you can find, you take. (Which is I had a little trouble buying this story.)

The researcher, Eric Corty ("who, it must be noted, is male" says the article -- nice) conducted his study to help couples "relax a little bit." Because obsessing over the length of your coitus is verrrry relaxing.

image: flickr.com

And apologies to Steve Martin, from whom I paraphrased the title of this post.

Church Sponsors 30-Day Sex Challenge, Parents Rise to the Occasion

Kelly Mills — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:40:00 GMT

Doug and Lorena Webber have gained a small measure of fame for answering a challenge at their church. The Relevant Church asked married members to commit to have sex every day for a month, while single members were supposed to abstain. The idea was marriage improvement and so on, and while I'm not a religious person, for once I'm considering a conversion. The Webbers have a toddler and a newborn, so you know, thanks for making the rest of us look bad, guys.

What was the response to their 30 days of marital magic? Their phone was ringing off the hook, which is the last thing you need when you are trying to meet a challenge. Doug was offered free coffee at his Starbucks, someone asked for his autograph, and people he hadn't heard from in years got in touch with him. It sounds like it was all just short of strangers forming a high-five line on the street. And the couple report that their marriage did improve, that they communicated better, and they learned about each others' needs (no, not like that, I mean the need for honesty and time together.) Hey, maybe we could do a challenge like that here! Um, but let's start next month, because we're tired.

Church of England Provides Sex Guide For Married Couples

Kelly Mills — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:01:00 GMT

It's been a big week for religion and sinnin'. Not only did the Vatican expand the list of deadly sins to 14 (up from seven, five of which I practiced before noon, though I so wish I could commit the new sin of obscene wealth) but the Anglican Church published a guide for married couples that deals with sex. (Technically sex within marriage isn't a sin for members of the Church of England, but I believe good marital sex ought to feel like one.) The church put out the guide in an effort to address rising divorce rates and marital dissatisfaction.

While it doesn't include techniques or anything, it does encourage frank and honest discussion. But oh my, this is my very favorite part: The book includes the story of one couple who were distraught when they couldn't get pregnant. How come? The guide says, "It turned out they had never had full intercourse." But, um, wow, I mean, how do you... Well, sounds like this book could be very handy for some people. Ahem. Maybe a couple diagrams would be a good idea.

Even More On Sex and Chores (and Chore Sex)

Kelly Mills — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:26:00 GMT

If there's a theme emerging on the Derby and in the rest of the news, it's that women want guys to do more in the way of housework, and doing the dishes or folding the laundry is essentially foreplay. There's even this article on the hotness of a man who knows how to wield an iron (some ladies made a "porn" book of photos of guys cleaning, hee hee). Now, I'm gonna bet that some guys already pick up the house without being told, maybe even as the neatnik in the family. But the bottom line is this: If you and your partner aren't necessarily compatible in the standard of cleanliness you require for sanity, the messier of the two is probably going to have to pitch in even when they don't want to, because that's part of being in a relationship. One person doing the lion's share is a recipe for trouble unless that's an agreement both are on board with.

That said, of course the same goes for sex. You have the clean(ish) house, it also seems fair to me that if one person has a stronger libido, the other person may need to do it even when they aren't begging for it themselves. After all, why should one person have to constantly tamp down their desire because the other one is rarely in the mood? Obviously there's extenuating circumstances (illness comes to mind) at times and maybe some work has to be done to make the experience more interesting for both parties. But either way, any natural incompatibility is probably going to necessitate compromise, and the solution probably can't be living in a pigsty and only having birthday sex, or giving in to the other person's requests for chores or sex with complaining or eye-rolling. Love is lots about giving, and not being an asshole about it.

If the idea of having sex makes one person resentful because they are tired from doing everything, or the notion of chores pisses someone off because they are treated to shabbily and never even get any, maybe it's time for someone to call truce. But if you are the clean one and the libidinous one, well, we'll find you some different porn.

Here's Why You Don't Have Sex

Madeline Holler — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 23:46:00 GMT

Sexless marriage got you down? Don't feel alone -- apparently 40 million Americans are in a hands-off relationship, getting it on fewer than 10 times a year.

Here's CNN's fix just in time for Valentine's Day. So quick! Take the TV out of the bedroom. Lay off the Viagra. Up those antidepressants. Forget about your thunder thighs.

The tips:

Make the bedroom a no-tech zone. Well, THAT kind of technology is OK. But no laptops, cellphones or Blackberrys. And no TV. Law & Order's Sam Waterston doesn't like threesomes.
Change your meds, including birth control. They could be zapping your sex drive.
Oh, but wait. The next tip is to take more meds. Because you're depressed. Or you have a thyroid problem. That's why you're not having sex.
Settle down. Your hectic life is zapping your will to love in addition to your will to live.
Quit aging -- the hormone shifts are wrecking your sex drive.
Quit being self-conscious (because you can do that on command ...)
Quit taking Viagra -- if you don't need it, don't use it.
Enough of the resentments! Talk about your problems. Get it out in the open. Then take off your clothes.

Anyway, happy Valentines Day!

Keep Kids From Messing Up Your Sex Life

Kelly Mills — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:01:00 GMT

By way of the Huffington Post, we now have some tips for ensuring your kids don't ruin your sex life. I'm a little underwhelmed. Guess what is number one? Take out your knives co-sleepers, because the top tip is: Separate beds. Now, I'm not even a family bed kinda gal, but I do know you can have sex in more places than just a bed at nighttime. But maybe group slumber does inhibit the nasty--you can let me know.

Other tips mostly center around making sure everyone gets enough sleep; setting aside couple time in the form of the adult-only vacation and regular date nights; and keeping arguments over discipline and such out of the bedroom (unless you are talking about the other kind of discipline and that happens to be your thing.) Nothing too revolutionary here, though the date night thing always irks me. I know we enjoy date night so much we decided to make it an annual event. I mean, does anyone actually manage to do this with real regularity? The cost of babysitting and a movie or a meal alone necessitates we dip into the kid's college fund. But hey, maybe you regularly do a night out with your sweetie, or even your spouse, so I'll suspend my total disbelief in case scientists discover the rare couple who does this all the time.

Ways You're Probably Not Wrecking Your Marriage

Amy Kuras — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:07:00 GMT

If you're married, you've heard this one: "Don't go to bed mad at your spouse."

Were that in fact true, both of us would have had to remain sleepless for the entire month of October 2007 (the month of the Kitchen Project From Hell). Luckily, turns out it's not.

The article talks to marriage experts about the biggest myths out there about marriage and parenting. The whole "Don't go bed mad" thing? It turns out that if you are both tired (and perhaps are ready to stab each other with a spackling knife) and there's no resolution in sight, it's actually wiser to go to bed, even in different rooms, than to keep fighting on. A decent night's sleep and some time away from each other, and you can see the problem with fresh eyes.

Two other myths that are of interest: "Having a baby brings you closer" (does anyone actually believe that one? If so, you must tolerate pregnancy and the first few months of new parenthood better than anyone I've ever met) and "Don’t fight in front of the kids." Calling your spouse unkind names in front of your kids isn’t a good idea, nor is having a screamfest, but airing disagreements in a fairly calm manner actually models to kids that you can work through conflict with someone you love without damaging the relationship.

Another great one? It's okay to take your spouse for granted. It's actually a sign that you've developed a high level of trust. Appreciation is important, but it's okay to take it for given that one person always gets dinner on the table or the other person lets you sleep late on Saturdays.

And guess what else? More sex, especially when you're parenting and rarely get alone time, is always a good idea.Whoo!

Photo: cnn.com

Mom and Dad Are Arguing About Girls and Boys

Kelly Mills — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 23:23:00 GMT

You know we Derby queens love DadCentric, we really do. We totally have a hard-on for those guys. But like all good relationships, there are times when we don't see eye-to-eye and have to respectfully disagree. A recent advice post was one of those occasions when we say "tomato" and the DadC's say "tomahto," and I think we all know what the correct pronounciation is here. Anyhow, a reader wrote in and asked if her son's seeming lack of empathy and frequent unprovoked head-butting was just a case of "boys will be boys." Dad Jason responded that boys are kinda like that, and, "Girls, from what I've seen of my friends' female kids, are decidedly more genteel... boys, in my experience, like to run into walls and talk about bodily functions. This does not end at 3, or 5, or 38."

Ahem. I'm raising a girl, and I know she's a girl because she likes to talk loudly about her vagina, then she snickers. She also frequently cracks (tee hee) jokes about poop and butts. She did tell me one of her friends hit her, but when pressed for details it came out that he was standing up for his buddy after my kid kicked him for no reason, yelling a menacing "Hi-ya!" Amy K. here has a girl who tackles and sprints and makes fart jokes. And Madeline shared this tidbit about her brood: "They were chanting "penis! penis!" one day so much that I told them I didn't want to hear it again for the rest of the day. My compliant 6 year old got silent but my two year old stopped for a second and then started chanting "poonis, poonis, poonis!" Lost on a technicality! We try to keep the windows closed."

My point is that I think the girl-boy differences are perhaps a question of social conditioning, but an equally likely explanation is that when boys do this stuff it is attributed to the fact that they are boys. I also wondered if perhaps some parents train this stuff out of girls, but that maybe other moms and dads are somewhat more tolerant of poop humor and so on in their little ladies. Then I realized I had participated in a number of e-mail threads with the Derby-ers that day that centered around penis jokes and crass references. So it might just be us Strollers, cuz, you know, girls (plus two guys) will be girls.

I just don't believe it's a boy thing. And I've got the vagina jokes to prove it.

Research Says Depression, Anorexia, and Being a New Mom All Mess With Your Sex Life, But Not In the Same Way

Kelly Mills — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 17:01:00 GMT

A new study lumps some stuff together to show us the big differences between being anorexic and depressed, and being a new mom, besides the fact that anorexics and depressed women probably get more sleep. The women in all three groups for this study were married or in stable relationships, and they were surveyed about doing the nasty. At first I was confused as to why these were being compared, but it turns out that all three groups reported sex problems in previous research studies.

Here's what they found: depressed women and anorexics have sex more often than new moms. Surprise! Hey, nuns have sex more than new moms. New moms could probably be used as a baseline for hardly ever ever ever getting down. But while the anorexic and depressed women were getting it more often, they were also more likely to report "problems" in sex, and the postnatal women reported no problems during wild love. "This suggests that anorexia and depression have similar effects on a woman's sex life, while childbirth has a different sort of impact, according to the researchers." Okay, perhaps that information will be helpful in some way I don't yet get.

Hello Kitty for Your Hello Kitty and Other Undercover Sex Gifts

Kelly Mills — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 22:33:00 GMT

I know many of you are struggling with a big dilemma this holiday: You'd like to get your partner a sexy sex toy gift, but you'd also like him or her to be able to open the present with the rest of the family. And you'd like to avoid the fiasco of a few years back, when you gave her that black corset and she opened the present in front of her parents and turned bright red. Look, I've got your back. Here's a couple sex gifts that will slide right under the radar of the family, and no one will know what a naughty holiday it is and stuff. And I should add that when I asked the other Derbys for ideas, I got much more personal information about them than I ever really wanted.

4. The Hello Kitty "shoulder massager". The NY Times reported that this popular item is being re-released, so that cute little mouthless cat with the pink bow will be available to "relieve aching shoulder muscles" and, um, other stuff. Only drawback: the kids may want to play with this one, which could be awkward. Same goes for the Harry Potter vibrating broomstick.

3. James Bond figurine. Mike, who is a litle bit obsessed with Daniel Craig, pointed us towards this one. His limbs can be posed in all kinds of ways. Mike says the gun vibrates, but I think that's just wishful thinking on his part. Yes, the kids might wanna play with this one too, but I think that would be inadvisable and unsanitary. And please don't ask me how you use this.

2. The Liberator pillow. As Rachel says, it could be passed off as helpful with back problems, kind of an ergonomic thing. I personally am afraid of what could go wrong on the Scoop, and the Cube baffles me, but I most of you are much more gymnastic than me.

My top pick? 1. The iGallop. Actually, Brookstone is just loaded with chairs and massagers and things of that nature that I believe are probably satisfying in many ways, but nothing tops the iGallop. You know, its for exercise. Just watch the video. You mount the iGallop and ride your way to core and inner thigh strength, holding on with your knees for deal life, letting your noble steed tone and sculpt you...Whoa Nellie. I always wanted a pony.

Are Sex and Marriage Compatible?

Kelly Mills — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 17:02:00 GMT

I generally get irritated by sex and marriage advice, cuz it usually follows the same old lines: Make time for each other. Go on dates. Be open about your desires. Get sexy underwear/dress like a cowgirl/make him give you a (bleugh) sensual massage. Blah blah to the blah. I'm sure these are all fine suggestions (minus the massage) but not exactly revolutionary. And I thought this interview with couples therapist Esther Perel would be more of the same, and there is a bit of that, but she also said one or two things that stood right out.

My favorite? "On some level we trade passion for security, that's trading one illusion for another. It's a matter of degree. We can't live in constant fear, but we can't live without any. The fear of loss is essential to love." Wowsa. You mean we should worry about our partner leaving? Perel says it shouldn't be an obsession, but she's clear that your spouse shouldn't be your best friend, because "Friendship has no tension --- that's the whole point. In desire, there must be some small amount of tension. And that tension comes with the unknown, the unpredictable." You know, I like that.

We seem to think safety and comfort are the goals of a good marriage, but I'm on board with Perel to a certain extent. While it's great to be accepted by your partner, utter confidence they aren't going anywhere isn't sexy or realistic. I've got enough friends. I think what I want in my marriage is something a little different, and something significantly hotter.

10 Reasons Not To Have Kids: Is That All You Got?

Kelly Mills — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 16:30:00 GMT

Why should you not have kids? Let me count the ways... Well, Dirty Writer came up with 10, stuff like "They Are an Economic Drain" and "Once they are Born you are Pretty much Stuck with them". Mmm hmm. Go ahead and read them; just wake me up when you are done.

Back? Okay, those of us with kids can probably give you a whole lotta better reasons to put the lock and chain on the uterus or the sperm tool, depending on your situation. Rachael rattled off: "bad for sex life, stinky, bossy, fluffy, they take away everyone's attention from YOU" in about 30 seconds. She also had one of my top reasons in there, "bad for the hoo hoo" which I'll underline by saying, think to yourself: do I like my vagina? Because it will never, ever forgive you. Unless you go c-section, and that's its own can of worms.

I'd add to the list: deflated boobies, having to talk to strangers who admire your baby, lugging a giant diaper bag around for years, your poor vagina, mom jeans, kids can cramp your dating style, you won't be able to watch or stay awake in a movie for decades, stories of serial killers and nature shows will devastate you in a new way, your poor vagina, they like to make you look the fool in public, you never get to hoard your sick leave or vacation again, your poor vagina, you'll plumb the depths of your own sleep-deprivation-induced rage, say bye bye to a restaurant meal that doesn't involve crayons, MILPHs, and of course, your poor, poor vagina.

Any we missed? I bet we could add another bajillion or so.

Top 6 Reasons New Moms are Selfish

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 15:13:00 GMT

New moms are selfish. There, I said it. I know you wanted to say it to so I've just saved you the trouble. I'm willing to take the heat. So bring it. The Strollerderby crew generated some great ideas when we first started discussing this usually taboo topic. Here are the top 6 reasons we've come up with that new mothers are selfish. Feel free to add yours.

1. Always with the crying - New moms cry. They don't seem to care that it's upsetting to witness the heaving shoulders, and red puffy faces. Don't they even care what they look like?

2. Refusing sex - Even when they get the "green light" from their doctors at the six-week check-ups. Even when the ice packs the the Tylenol-3s are put away. Still, many new moms are hesitant to rev up the sex engines again. How insensitive can you get?!!

3. Possessiveness - New Moms often refuse to let grandparents babysit, even when the babies are TWO weeks (even two months) old. I mean come on!! What does a person need to do to get some serious bonding time with a new baby? Don't you think a new Mom would understand that better than anyone?

4. Pain Intolerant - Childbirth and the post-partum weeks and months following hurt like hell. So women claim. But seriously? Can it really be all that bad? Women have been having babies since the beginning of time. And THEY didn't have helpful spouses and great pain medication. Ok, so you have hemorroids. So your nipples are chapped. Get over it, sister, and move on.

5. Men Have Needs - Ok so women are in pain and they are nursing and co-sleeping and hormonal. But sometimes, the men have needs. Have they never heard of hand-jobs? Is it that hard to meet your husbands' / partner's needs? I think not.

6. Insistence on Showering - Women want to be with their babies all the time, right? So what is the problem with bringing the baby in the bathroom when they shower? And also? Why the need to shower every day? If new mothers were more other-centered, these things wouldn't be such a big problem.