Strollerderby : single dads

Married vs. Single Moms: Who's Got it Easier?

Madeline Holler — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:04:00 GMT

One could hardly envy a single mother if she's struggling emotionally or financially. But what about single mothers who are doing fine? Have you ever found yourself thinking she's lucky? She has it so much better -- so much easier -- than the married mothers out there?

Over at Motherlode blog in the NY Times, Lisa Belkin asked: which is easier, parenting alone or with a partner?

She pulls from a few other blogs and Katie Kowalski, of the Orlando Sentinel, had this argument in favor of being a single mom:

I like that no one complains when I leave my sweaty workout clothes on the bathroom floor overnight, or that no one cares when I decide that it’s going to be cereal for dinner (again). Some might call that a lack of accountability on my part — but hey, don’t we all do better work when someone isn’t looking over our shoulder?

I already have a bossy little girl who demands that I sing the Tigger song 100 times a day, and who regularly bullies me out of my breakfast. The last thing I need is a man who needs…. well, anything that takes effort on my part.

That may be how relationships work for Kowalski, but I would argue some partners may be better than others. Feeling watched and/or burdened by one's other half does make a good case for building a family of just mom and the kids.

That aside, I'll admit I've envied some single moms. Shared custody, to my tired eyes, has its benefits. Namely, visitation! Those nights/weeks/weekends/summers where the kids pack off to live in their other home. Ahhhh, sleep. Ahhhh, benders. Ahhhh, French fries and mayonnaise for dinner.

Perhaps I'm oversimplifying the matter.

Anyway, let's hear it. Single moms? Are you secretly (or openly) relieved to be the only one in charge? Any smug marrieds secretly (no, really, secretly!) jealous of your single-mom/dad friends?

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Photo: single-parent-project.com

Who needs a uterus? Or a partner?

Miriam Axel-Lute — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:40:00 GMT

Perhaps this will finally kill the use of the miserable phrase "female-headed household" to mean "single parent."

Reporting on a trend that says more to me about changing gender roles than anything Sarah Palin has done, the New York Times reports that like single women who feel their biological clocks ticking have done for decades, more and more single men—gay and straight—are choosing single fatherhood, through adoption or surrogacy.

The Times reports that they face discrimination in their quest: They tend to be on the bottom of the preference list for birth parents, egg donors, or surrogates (I wonder how single straight men compare to queer couples in those cases. My guess is it depends where you are). And apparently some face women trying to "help" or "correct" their parenting in public too. (This reminds me of my favorite GabbyBaby shirt: "Please don't ask my daddy if he's 'babysitting.' Thanks. xoxo")

I for one suspect that many single men do start off a little behind in the knowing what the hell to do with a baby department, just because of what we as a culture see fit to expect men and women to know, but this doesn't bother me. They'll catch up just fine, just like the rest of us catch up with all the things we didn't learn from growing up in massive extended families caring for tons of younger siblings and cousins.

What I want to know, though, is how many of these single fathers are going to try to breastfeed.

Photo by divine in the daily.

More Single Dads Adopting Foster Kids

Karen Murphy — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 13:54:00 GMT

It's true, when you double a small number you still get a small number, but I can't help but be pleased at the apparent trend of more single men adopting kids from the foster system. After all, single women are adopting children right and left, but whoever seriously considers men as adoption material unless they're half of a couple?

Foster-care adoptions comprise about 40% of adoptions annually, and more single men than ever are fostering kids in the system, so it only follows that more single men are completing the adoption process. Typically, single men are left out of the equation of consideration for adoption either domestically or internationally, leaving the most viable option currently as via the foster system. Which can only be good news for the 115,000 foster kids who are eligible for adoption.

Of course, there is a downside. If you are a man and single, you can't foster a child if you live in Nebraska or Florida. And if you are able to foster a child and you're a man and single, you'll be presumed to be gay. And, gay or not, your parenting skills will be scrutinized because you're a man.

But don't let that stop you: think about the 115,000 kids who need homes and step bravely into the forefront of a trend.

Married Dads Have More Money and a Longer Lifespan

Kelly Mills — Thu, 17 May 2007 16:02:00 GMT

Mr. Dad summarizes some research that shows married dads are wealthier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts. They earn from 10 to 40 percent more than single guys or those who are shacking up in sin, and they also have a longer life expectancy. Hey, somebody tell my husband that. I'm doing him a big favor.

There's also studies indicating that unmarried dads invest less time than in their kids than the wedded ones do. I am now resisting the urge to beat a dead horse, but let's keep in mind that whether or not you believe a study is accurate, these are statistical generalizations, and not necessarily applicable to individuals. Because we love single dads here. And this is a good point: unmarried dads have less rights if things go south and custody is an issue. Boy, I never thought I'd be echoing Alec Baldwin.

So if you are debating marrying your lady-love, be sure to tell her you'd like to do it to increase your earning potential and to ensure you live to be 107 years old. Women love that kind of romantic stuff.

More Babies With Unmarried 'Rents

Kelly Mills — Wed, 16 May 2007 15:09:00 GMT

Child Trends reports that the number of kids born out of wedlock has risen. (Doesn't "wedlock" sound so, well, "ball-and-chain"?) According to the research, 37 percent of babies today are born to unmarried parents, compared to 22 percent two decades ago. A little more than half of those children came into households where two parents were present. Highly educated, white women were least likely to have a child without being married, but were most likely to live with their partner if they did. More than 70 percent of pregnancies to unmarried, cohabiting partners were unintended. No word on how many came as the result of a few too many momosas.

The research led Child Trends to recommend some steps, such as better pregnancy prevention education for couples. They also cite studies showing that children born out of wedlock, even in cohabiting relationships, fare worse economically and emotionally than children of married couples, and suggest that couples should be supported in forming stable marriages.

Not to be the anti-marriage girl here, but I often wonder about some of these "marriage is the way" conclusions. Like, if the numbers of babies born outside marriage is going up because couples are living together without getting married due to some changing social conventions, will that actually change the statistical outcomes for babies in those families? Are the current prospects for kids with unmarried parents worse because the parents choose not to get married, or is there something to the fact that the parents don't want to get married that is having more of an effect on kids? Be careful with those research studies, my peeps.

Why is it Hardly Anyone Ever Talks About Single Dads?

Karen Murphy — Tue, 15 May 2007 16:27:00 GMT

My kids were watching yet-another episode of "Curious George" the other day when it dawned on me that the Man With the Yellow Hat is a single dad. Of course! And a pretty darned good one, if you ask me, although there are times I wish he'd pay just a little more attention to George, but hey, then there wouldn't be conflict, and everything always works out in the end, right? And of course, it's a cartoon. Not real life.

But in real life there are plenty of single dads whose lives go pretty much unheralded. They certainly don't get the press that single moms like me get. I have a friend who's the dad of two kids and he works nightmarish hours writing for a popular kid's cartoon and playing in a band while still being what seems like a pretty good single dad to those kids.

So why the snub? Aren't single dads cool enough or sexy enough to deserve our awareness? I think that any parent, frankly, single or not, deserves a bit of swag for what they do. And the single ones often have a harder row to hoe. Oh hell. It's hard no matter what. And so very rewarding. But I say we start to recognize that there are plenty of single dads out there too. Even ones who blog!