Strollerderby : single parenting

Single Mom Sells Ad Space On Her Body on eBay

Brett Singer — Fri, 22 May 2009 16:30:00 GMT

One of the things I've always admired about myself (stay with me here) is my ability to work. Ever since I was 16, I've had a job of some sort. Part of that is my skill set -- being able to yak on the phone enabled me to have an embarrassing number of telemarketing jobs, for example -- and part of it is my willingness to find a job and do it, even if its not something I have any interest in. If you need money, you get a job. This isn't to say that this is easy, especially in the current economy. But my feeling was always that no job was beneath me.

My point here is not to toot my own horn. But I was thinking about my job experiences when I read this story on MomLogic about a single mom, BillieJean Irizarry, who tried to sell advertising on her body via eBay. In her mind, this was the best way to make money to support her family.

That can't be the best way to make money. It just can't. I find it hard to believe that there is nothing woman can do. This is someone who, in my opinion, wants to be famous. Now she's "the single mom who tried to sell ad space on her body." Whoo-hoo. Mission accomplished.

Proving my point (sort of) is this: BillieJean was asking $2000 but only got offers of $250. I guess that's a faster way to get $250 than working for minimum wage, but how often can you do that? She has accepted this, telling MomLogic "This idea isn't selling, so I am thinking of doing something else to make money." Oh! Great news. BUT... "I am not sure what it is at this moment, but stay tuned to my eBay page."

If you need money, get a real job. Sorry. Yes, there are circumstances -- living with her who have health problems and are unable to help her watch her three children. But there is absolutely no way that the only option available is eBay. Maybe if she were trying to sell her possessions online, that would be better. But that's it? That's your idea?

What do you think?

Source: MomLogic

Poolside Breastfeeding Violates No Food Rule

UPDATE: Dad Who Forced Son To Get Tattoo is Arrested

Women Switched at Birth Find Out 56 Years Later

New Mom-to-be Is 66 Years Old

JeanneSager — Mon, 18 May 2009 17:27:00 GMT

I'm sorry if any of the older mom readers who frequent our pages will take this as an insult, but news that a mom-to-be setting a new record in England for her age really made me want to go to take a nap.

Elizabeth Adeney is expecting her first child at the ripe old age of sixty-six, making her the oldest pregnant woman in English history.

And making me really, really exhausted on her behalf.

Adeney, who works in a factory, is reportedly single and spent ten thousand pounds on in vitro treatments at a clinic in the Ukraine to get pregnant. Now eight months along, she's apparently been hiding her pregnancy - perhaps because of the world-wide scrutiny the news has naturally elicited.

I'm all for single women having babies if they can support them. Same goes for older women bringing children into this world. But let's face it, Adeney is single. Whether she can financially support her baby or not, whether she's got the amazing health of women half her age or not, she IS taking a huge risk here of leaving her teenager completely alone in the world.

Because good health or not, does she know she'll live to eighty-four? That's how long she'll have to make it to see her child graduate from high school and reach the age of majority. What about eighty-eight to see them graduate from college? She can likely forget ever seeing her own grandchildren.

This could all be discounted if there were additional people in Adeney's life to provide for this child not only in a financial sense but an emotional one. But Adeney is not only divorced with no partner but has no brothers or sisters to step in for this kid should something happen.

She's said this whole pregnancy is her business alone. But is it? It may not be fair that people are asking her questions not asked of other single parents or even other mothers of "advanced maternal age," but with her decision to pursue IVF, she brought the questions on herself. She is not in the same situation as a forty-year-old single parent, hence she can't be expected to be treated the same way.

What do you think, Babble readers? Does Adeney's age matter more in light of her marital status?

Image: Sky News

Mom Uses Breastfeeding as Weapon in Custody Battle

JeanneSager — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:01:00 GMT

The story is full of bad breastfeeding puns (that, honestly cracked me up), but an interesting case came up in the Globe and Mail this weekend. A mom has made her breastfeeding schedule so rigorous that the ex-boyfriend who fathered their child has been essentially totally cut off from spending any time with his daughter.

A judge has decided enough is enough. Either wean your child or start pumping honey, because Daddy's got to have a go.

Jennifer Johne and Carl Cavannah were together only briefly, but their relationship resulted in the birth of a little girl in June 2006. Although the couple was broken up, Cavannah made it clear he wanted to be in their daughter's life, even quitting his job so he could move closer to Johne and the little girl. He volunteered (volunteered!) to pay child support, and bought books on parenting.

But Johne told him he couldn't take the little girl anywhere, because she needed be with mom to be breastfed. The Globe and Mail cites an e-mail from Johne to Cavannah that makes it pretty clear she was about to sway on the issue: "A baby belongs with its mother, and if you had an understanding of the needs of a fully breast-fed baby and truly had [her] interests at heart, you would not be bringing this subject up again."

Now with the baby ~~facing~~ past her second birthday, the date the World Health Organization suggests breastfeeding up to, a judge has said it's over. Johne can breastfeed her toddler if she wants to, but she has to do it via pumped milk, so Cavannah can spend some real time with his daughter.

Frankly, I'm surprised he waited this long to "bring this subject up again." Because as wonderful as breastfeeding is (and this is very definitely not a breastfeeding vs. formula post), it's also pretty darn great for a child to have their biological parent who WANTS to be in the picture and has demonstrated themselves to be a a willing and able participant in their life. If anything, this mother is proving not how important it is to breastfeed but the theories of those women who would say breastfeeding chains them to their child.

Because while there are the bonding elements of breastfeeding, the larger part of the argument has always been that breastmilk itself is healthier than formula. So pumping and handing it over to her ex-boyfriend to feed their daughter would still make this child a "full breast-fed baby," albeit one who had the opportunity to bond with both her mother AND her father during her formative years.

Johne actually works in a daycare (which enabled her to keep her daughter around her so constantly), where she sees perfectly healthy and able children who are not attached to the mother's breast constantly.

What irks me about this story? This is a woman who has put breastfeeding above everything else. She's taken "breast is best" to an extreme that's unhealthy, and makes a bad name for breastfeeders everywhere.

Image: EcoStreet

Also on Babble:

The Backlash to Breast is Best

Say Hello to a Tiny Hero

JeanneSager — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:34:00 GMT

The soldiers off at war get (and deserve) all the credit, but sitting back here at home while men and women are fighting overseas are hundreds of thousands of kids. They're waiting for mom and dad.

In a memoir about the life of a military wife, out in bookstores this month as the nation celebrates National Military Child Month, Alison Buckholtz opens the doors to her home off the Naval base on Whidbey Island in Washington State while husband Scott is at war. She shares the stories of her two toddler children's struggles to make it through ten months without daddy, and her life as a near single parent for the duration of his deployment.

It's a story we don't often hear. As Buckholtz points out in her book, Standing By: The Making of A Military Family in a Time of War, military spouses put their best faces to the world, even as their internal struggles rip them apart. They do it for their soldier. They do it for the military - and despite it. Because even parents, like Buckholtz, who have a deep respect (and a deepening love) for the military, get angry with it. Angry for the toll separation takes on their lives, and their lives of their children.

Pentagon numbers shared by Buckholtz put the number of parents deployed since September 11, 2001 at close to a million. More than two hundred thousand have gone away twice, more than one hundred thousand have deployed three times over in the eight-year span. Buckholtz's own husband is preparing to leave his family for a second tour in Iraq. And still, they carry on, dragging their loved ones with them on another adventure.

The power of Buckholtz's book remains in the stories of her children, Ethan and Esther, the reminder that her story could be ours. In her frankness, she is both eminently likeable and identifiable. She is just a mom. She's careful to assure single parents that she doesn't want to diminish their battles by claiming to be one (she has a partner . . . even if he's thousands of miles away), and yet she is. My already hearty respect for single parents who juggle it all grew with each page.

Buckholtz is also careful to remain apolitical, making this a book about the military family - not a book about the war. You won't find the names Bush or Obama in Standing By. And as a liberal mother who has always been pro-military personnel but decidedly anti-war, for that, I'm grateful. It let me read about a family and their love.

Soldiers serve presidents of both parties; they make no distinction in who they serve. They serve for the American people, and Buckholtz does not write for a president. She writes for mothers and fathers and little kids - the little heroes who say heartbreaking goodbyes and joyous hellos.

Check out a video she made for the kids, below, and get her book from Amazon.

Images: Amazon, Alison Buckholtz

Parents are People Too - They Date

JeanneSager — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:52:00 GMT

There are two words that even today I can't stand to be used in the same sentence. OK, maybe three. "My parents" and "sex."

No, I'm not a prude. Yes, that's just . . . ewww. So the new dating site for single parents might have a goofy name, but it's kind of, well, true. Parents "R" People.

Well, duh.

But has anyone told their kids yet? Because parents plus dating is often pretty icky as far as kids are concerned.

Started up by a single mom and licensed clinical social worker, the site is recession-proof because it's free. "I am a single mom and finances are often tough for us...working and supporting kids," explains founder Stacy Schwed. "It is also tough for single dads who are working, and running their household while also paying child support."

Technically the site is a social media setting for parents - any parents, including married ones. But change your marital status to "looking," and it becomes a place for single parents to possibly get rid of the "single" part of the title. For a lot of single parents, the biggest fear of stepping out there again is the second part of their title - "parent." But as Schwed points out, parents are people too, and there's a guarantee someone on the other end of the DSL line gets what it's like to have kids.

"I believe everyone deserves a chance to be happy and have in their lives what they truly want...including a great relationship," Schwed says. Because parents might be single, but that doesn't mean we're dead. Not even our sex drives.

Image:

New Edition: What They're Babbling About

JeanneSager — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:31:00 GMT

We're introducing a new feature here on Strollerderby this week, one that will hopefully show up every Friday. We'd like to think we cover all the parenting news that's fit to type up, but we've got little monkeys running around our houses that sometimes demand our attention too.

Fortunately, a few of our friends outside the crib fill in for us. And Strolllerderby's bringing them home. We'll give you a look at What They're Babbling About every week, so you can have a playdate with us.

So what's the babble been like this week?

Good Enough Mother Rene Syler remembers begging for the white dolls that her friends had because there were none out there that looked just like her. With the hype (and mini scandal) over the now-renamed Sasha and Malia dolls, she ponders - is the attention on black girls good for little ones? - Parent Dish

Wondering what the baby's really thinking? Belle Vivir's got a letter from the baby to the Big Guy upstairs. And if you're expecting mush, look elsewhere because this baby's got some attitude. - Belle Vivir

If your Net Nanny's keeping out all the good stuff (like searchines of crib bedding people, come on, get your minds out of the gutter) how about a pile of kid-friendly Web search engines? - MOMformation

If there's no man around to play daddy, you're perfectly fine on your own. But you could always join forces with a bunch of other single moms to make your own big happy family. - Jezebel

So you hand your maternity clothes off to a friend who's got a bun in the oven and . . . uh oh, you're preggers. Can you ask for the clothes back? - Alpha+Mom

Image: Jezebel

Kindergartner Saves Diabetic Dad from Coma

JeanneSager — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:03:00 GMT

Danny Stephen has had a tough go of it. Diagnosed twenty-six years ago with diabetes, he's struggled in recent months to buy the medical supplies needed to take care of himself after being laid off from his job in construction.

What's more, Danny Stephen is a single dad - his wife Michelle died following a stroke in the fall.

For all those lemons thrown curveball-style his way, Danny Stephen is still filling up on lemonade (sugar free, natch). He's got a son, five-year-old Jude, who last weekend rescued Danny from a diabetic coma by forcefeeding him sweets.

With his dad flitting in and out of consciousness all day, Jude kept himself out of trouble at the Stephens' Florida home. But when dinner time came and Dad wasn't up, Jude went to his side, but Danny literally couldn't move. He could only mumble nonsense - even his attempt to get the boy to understand he needed juice to pump up his sugar levels were for naught. The boy thought he was saying "Jude." But Jude eventually got the juice, along with honey and cupcakes, which he practically shoved down his father's throat - enough to bring Danny Stephen out of the coma. Paramedics said without the tot's intervention, Danny would have died.

If you're sobbing at this story - from the passing of mom to dad losing his job to the little hero - you're not alone. The other part of me is just stark raving mad. Danny Stephen couldn't afford medical supplies, so a little boy almost lost his second parent in as many years.

What kind of country do we live in where a single dad can't get test strips to keep track of his blood sugar levels? Criticize socialized medicine all you want (and it does have its faults), but the basic medical supplies are taken care of - even for single parents who have lost their jobs in the midst of an economic crisis. Or we could keep going along as we are - leaving men like Danny Stephen to be rescued by their quick-witted kindergartners.

On a lighter note, the first comment on the site of the Tampa Bay newspaper that broke the story comes from a medical company owner - he's putting up all the test strips Danny Stephen could use. Bravo.

Image: TopNews

Would you Cheat FOR the Kids?

JeanneSager — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:26:00 GMT

Think you've heard all the lame excuses someone will give for cheating on their spouse? Here's another:

"I'm doing it for my kids."

Say what?

This came from the lips of a friend (and by friend I really mean a chick I know, kinda sorta). Her reasoning for stepping out on her marriage is simple - he's a jerk. But they've got kids. And as far as she's concerned, kids need two parents.

So she's lining up a new Daddy before she kicks the old one to the curb. I'm not even going to touch on the self-esteem issues here (that's for a woman's issues blog, not the parenting blog).

But what does this teach your kids? That it's OK to lie? That your daughters need to have a man around at all times. . . and at all costs? The idea that a woman needs to have a man is as outdated as that old quote about fish and bicycles. So too is the idea that a single parent can't provide for a child what a couple can - or that, say, two lesbians can't provide for a child what a heterosexual couple can.

There are also lessons for kids in divorce. It's OK that things fail sometimes. You have to be honest with other people. You have to be honest with yourself. But cheating on a spouse is a big no no, and somehow I can't see how the kids won't find out when they realize their new "Dad" was in Mom's life long before the divorce became finalized.

I suppose there's merit to the fact that kids fare better with two parents . . . I suppose. I am not bashing single parents or their offspring (President Obama, hello?). But for mom it's certainly easier when there's a second set of hands around. Still, with Dad the jerk around, she's obviously not having an easy go of it. Couldn't that mean single parenting might be easier?

Is single parenting that scary? As a happily - and luckily - married woman, I don't know. But I wonder what the single parents who read Babble think. You were scared right, but this scared?

Image: Everyday Citizen

Gay Means Happy When It Comes to Fatherhood

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:25:00 GMT

Gay men—once seen as the paragons of lusty bachelorhood—are now giving a whole new meaning to the term “family values.” As more and more homosexual couples opt for parenthood, it becomes increasingly clear that, for many people, the gay marriage movement is about more than spousal benefits: it’s about loving couples wanting to build families together. In the May issue of Details, writer Edward Lewine examines a movement that has become so popular, it’s earned its own moniker: the gayby boom has arrived.

Though firm numbers are hard to come by, it would be difficult for any member of the gay community to deny the rise in parenting among homosexual male couples. Lewine points to Circle Advocacy in Boston, which matches potential parents with egg donors and surrogate mothers. While the agency worked with almost no gay couples a decade ago, its clientele is now 90 percent gay.

This drastic shift also points to the fact that more and more gay men are opting for in-vitro fertilization or surrogate motherhood, as opposed to adoption. Not only do the former options allow men a genetic link with their children, but they also shield potential parents from the lengthy, emotionally draining adoption process. And since many states don’t allow people who aren’t married to adopt, adoption is not even an option for many gay couples. (And it’s too bad, since taking parentless babies into a loving home is, in my opinion, one of the best things a person can do for the world. Alas, occasionally puritanical legislation does not serve the greater good.)

The gayby boom is not limited to couples, with many single gay men more than willing to pay between $60,000 and $150,000 to becoming doting fathers. (Those numbers reflect the cost of in-vitro fertilization, in which an egg is fertilized in a lab and then placed in the surrogate’s womb; naturally, it’s cheaper to simply give a surrogate a syringe with some sperm in it.) According to Lewine, single parenting is considered "hot" in the gay male community, a sign of assertiveness and the ability to commit. I can think of a few single mamas who are going to pretty jealous when they get wind of this one….

Photo: Details (Ryan Pfluger)

Single Mothers and the Power of One

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:03:00 GMT

"Marry someone. Anyone!" if you have kids or plan to seems like sage advice for straight people. And while children with married parents are better off economically and arguably otherwise, dual parent households are on the decline.

Leave it to the Brits to celebrate, or at least happily acknowledge that many single parent households are quite happy, thank you very much.

The article features the stories of single mothers and their children, told in their own words. Honest and touching, the stories tell of heart break, resolve, and uncertain finances.

The best remark: "Compared to other children, I think we do more cleaning."

For more on single parenthood in the UK, go here.

Three's a Crowd: Who Needs a Man When You Have a Daughter?

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:33:00 GMT

Just try reading this tale of the happily single mama and her peacefully studying 9th grader without smiling, relaxing, and feeling hope for the world. Quite a contrast to the panicky grabby fear in the stomach feeling one might get reading the recent piece on single-mothers hurrying to marry someone (anyone) with a pulse.

Unlike other fearful single women, Heidi Wendell confidently describes one of her failed relationships this way:

"...it took a while for him to grow disenchanted with a situation in which he would always be secondary to my daughter’s priorities ..."

This statement is weirdly evocative of the raft of complaints one reads about at True Dad Confessions --about how now that the wife has the kids, there is no room, no time, for him or his needs. Heidi and her daughter have no such trouble, no such partner or husband to bother about. And it's clear, in the lives of these two women, such a person is considered a nuisance.

In a world where we are always told that married is better than single, that all children need at least two parents (preferably straight), this unconventional story is a breath of freeing, honest, empowering air.

[Photo: New York Times]

Marry for Love—or Diaper Duty?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:53:00 GMT

Today, “Marry Him!,” an article by Lori Gottlieb in the March Atlantic Monthly, was emailed to me for the third time by a single, female friend. Since the article became available online recently, it has been circulating amongst single women in their twenties and thirties, generating either rage, resigned sighs of agreement, or panic. As a single mother of a child she conceived with donor sperm, Gottlieb argues that the idealistic search for a soul mate—oh so important in one’s twenties—seems like a massive mistake when one is living alone at 35, trying to pay the bills and get the diapers changed. Look past his flaws, Gottlieb urges. Passion? Romance? Good conversation? Hot sex? They all pale in comparison to having someone—practically anyone, so long as he’s steady, sane, and able-bodied—to share the bills and child care with.

As a 25-year-old woman who has always wanted to have children and who has zero prospects of making that happen anytime in the near-ish future (at least in the two-happy-parents-who-are-not-on-welfare sort of way), I was Gottlieb’s ideal audience. On the one hand, I resented Gottlieb’s blanket assertion that what all heterosexual women really want, deep down, is a husband and a child, as well as her glib view of divorce—at least you get babies and child support out of the deal, she argues. Coming from a family where divorce is practically synonymous with anniversary, I would take not knowing my child’s father over going through a divorce any day.

And yet, sad as I am to admit it, Gottlieb’s warning was not wasted on me. As someone who does eventually want a family at a time when dating in America often consists of “hooking up” from time to time—meaning that now more than ever men my age are in no hurry to commit—Gottlieb’s article did wake me up to the possibility that at some point in the not-so-distant future, I may have to approach these matters of the heart with a bit more brain power.

I have always been devoted to the idea that I will never settle down unless I find the One—but don’t expect me to go looking for him; I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Approaching dating with the goal of pinning down a husband always seemed to me like a nauseating endeavor that no self-respecting woman would engage in. But Gottlieb’s article got me to thinking that at some point (I can afford to be a picky, hopeless romantic for a few more years), I may find that no self-respecting woman would stubbornly refuse to lower her lofty standards of husband material.

What about you single moms out there? Do you long for a partner as stridently as Gottlieb or are you happy with your independence? And do you women who are married see any wisdom in Gottlieb’s advice?

Image: Atlantic Monthly

Marriage Class: Useful or Not?

Amy Kuras — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 23:57:00 GMT

One of the underpinnings of welfare reform is encouraging marriage. In some places, it goes as far as strongly encouraging marriage with financial incentives and so on. Others, like this program in Kansas City, target low income couples with "relationship training" –teaching couples how to fight fair, listen actively, and so on.

The idea is that by getting married and staying married, couples can raise their standards of living and lift themselves out of poverty. But in many low-income communities, according to sociologists, the pickings are mighty slim in terms of good husband material. And actually, about half of the low-income couples that might benefit from relationship training get most of the economic benefits of marriage by living together.

The program in Kansas City targets low income parents and parents to be, with the thought that if they can keep moms and dads together, married or no, it will improve the emotional and economic lives of their families. Single parenthood is a significant indicator of poverty and keeping mom and dad together can help avoid that.

And teaching relationship skills can only help families run a little better. Parents who know how to use "I" statements and resolve conflict healthily instead of throwing china when they are pissed can only be good for kids, after all. It's something that middle and upper class couples have had access to for quite a long time – making sure people on the lower rungs of the economic ladder learn those same skills is all to the good.

Babble Talk: Is Single Parenting Just Another Lifestyle Choice?

aprilpeveteaux — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 17:44:00 GMT

My first thought when I spot a single mom is, ‘Thank god that’s not me.’ Because this whole baby raising thing - it’s freaking hard. Jean Railla explores the issue in Fatherless Brooklyn, an essay about single, middle-class women making the choice to have a child without the benefit of a partner. Differentiating between women who make the choice, and women who find themselves alone as a result of divorce, abandonment or accident; Railla goes inside the world of a Brooklyn woman who chose insemination when she realized the marriage part of this thing may not happen in time, if ever.

I don’t think anyone who hasn’t already lived with a demanding, non-verbal tiny person, can appreciate how unbelievably trying raising a child can be; even when you have a willing and able partner. So when I hear about more and more women purposely making the choice to have a baby on their own, well, I just assume they are stronger women than I. Personally, I believe that kids need two actively involved parents, if for no other reason than to let the most exhausted one sleep for half an hour. But this isn’t a reality in every household, by choice or by default. While I don’t want to go this alone, I do know plenty of women who are making it work solo. And some who have a breakdown every three months or so. Of course, we all know those married types who feel their traditionally-minded husband actually creates more work instead of sharing the burden. So for better or for worse, I’m for this movement. One happy parent in control of her own destiny is much better than two parents who are together for the wrong reasons and are now taking it out on their offspring. And any movement that encourages women to make their own personal choices, regardless of conventional ‘wisdom’ is a step in the right direction. By the way, this would go for men as well, but we never hear about single men racing to adopt, or hire a surrogate, to fulfill this parental need. At least not outside of the dregs of summer movie season.

Single Moms By Choice Get Flack

Kelly Mills — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 19:30:00 GMT

Someone I know recently told me she's decided to try and have a baby. She's single and nearing the end of her fertility window, and she has always wanted children. She came to the realization that at this point, it's unlikely she's going to meet the right guy, fall in love, get married, and get knocked up in enough time to still be physically able to have kids, and that's important to her. My reaction was total delight because I think she's gonna be a great mom. So when I saw that Louise Sloan wrote a funny guide to becoming a single mom, I thought, "Great! It's about time someone did." But apparently many other folks don't feel the same way.

When Sloan was interviewed by Salon a couple weeks ago, many commenters criticized her decision to procreate solo. I'd be leery of saying comments on any site represent prevailing opinions, but I suppose there are people out there who think this is a bad thing, and maybe some of you are in that number. I have to tell you I don't really understand most of the criticisms. Some folks say Sloan is having a kid for selfish reasons, because she "wants" one. Um, you mean, unlike us two-parent households? Right, we had kids to keep the gene pool fresh or something. Others responded that kids need two parents. You know, I actually think kids probably need a whole network of people, and families need social support. My child is being raised by three adults (my sister lives with us) and it's a sweet set up. But that doesn't mean I believe y'all should have to move in with your siblings. It is possible to create social networks (thank god) and I know some isolated two-parent families that get less in the way of help than some of the single parents I know.

Sloan was also criticized because her child will someday wonder about his biological father. Yeah, I know plenty of people who are well-acquainted with their biological parents and kind of wish they weren't. Maybe if we don't treat single moms as pariahs, these kids won't have to feel like their situation is somehow abnormal or lacking. Oh, and I don't think kids need a dad (many lesbian moms doing just fine, thanks) or a mom (same goes for male gay couples raising kids); I think they need good grown-ups who love them and care for them. That's more than many people get, and with that love and protection and care, the kids will be just fine.

What do you think?

Babble Talk: The Military Wife

aprilpeveteaux — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 18:58:00 GMT

Korinthia Klein’s essay The Home Front is a continuation of her earlier essay on Babble , when her husband’s deployment to Iraq coincided with her third pregnancy. Brace yourself for the tears. Happily, Klein’s husband has returned to help out with the laundry, tantrums and rearing of three children, age six and under. Yet instead of acting as the standard issue military wife, thrilled to have her family back together, Klein’s confusion and perhaps a defense mechanism or two, kicked in to create a tension previously absent from the relationship.

It’s overwhelming for me to even think about taking this journey without my husband, but men and women do this every day. And Klein’s story isn’t one of the short business trip your spouse takes, leaving you free to control the TV for the night. Or even a divorce, where at least the other parent of your children is still living, and presumably able to take on some of the responsibility. Getting used to the idea that your husband might not come home, while the two of you have essentially been living separate lives, could leave the best of us ambivalent when the 'joyous' family reunion finally takes place. Klein’s description of the not-so-perfect airport reunion is familiar to those of us who have been in the position of alternately missing a spouse who is away from home, and cursing them for the extra load they have left behind. But add anxiety about whether your spouse will survive to the day-to-day stress of laundry, work and potty-training and it’s easy to see why the divorce rate among military families has been steadily rising during the war in Iraq.

For Klein, her quandary of, “I need him home with me to help raise our kids; he needs to use his talents to make a difference in the world. I don't know which one of us is being selfish,” is too heart-breaking to comprehend. Luckily for most of us, we won’t have to navigate such issues. Not knowing when, or if, her husband could be redeployed, Klein is creating a new way of living and appreciating her family. And that is something we can all relate to, while being grateful that we don’t have to know what it’s like to be so completely left behind.

Why is it Hardly Anyone Ever Talks About Single Dads?

Karen Murphy — Tue, 15 May 2007 16:27:00 GMT

My kids were watching yet-another episode of "Curious George" the other day when it dawned on me that the Man With the Yellow Hat is a single dad. Of course! And a pretty darned good one, if you ask me, although there are times I wish he'd pay just a little more attention to George, but hey, then there wouldn't be conflict, and everything always works out in the end, right? And of course, it's a cartoon. Not real life.

But in real life there are plenty of single dads whose lives go pretty much unheralded. They certainly don't get the press that single moms like me get. I have a friend who's the dad of two kids and he works nightmarish hours writing for a popular kid's cartoon and playing in a band while still being what seems like a pretty good single dad to those kids.

So why the snub? Aren't single dads cool enough or sexy enough to deserve our awareness? I think that any parent, frankly, single or not, deserves a bit of swag for what they do. And the single ones often have a harder row to hoe. Oh hell. It's hard no matter what. And so very rewarding. But I say we start to recognize that there are plenty of single dads out there too. Even ones who blog!

Married Moms Really Better for Kids?

Kelly Mills — Mon, 14 May 2007 17:34:00 GMT

The National Review Online published this column claiming that married mothers deserve special praise, because staying married is soooo much better for the children. After a couple of creepy digs at single motherhood and sperm donors (and the NY Times, of course) author W. Bradford Wilcox claims, "...married mothers serve our nation's neighborhoods, children, and even themselves better than any of the dizzying array of alternatives to married motherhood. This truth was abundantly clear to me after surveying the social-scientific literature on marriage and child well-being with 15 other family scholars for a recent report, Why Marriage Matters: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences."

Oh. The link is to an organization called the Institute for American Values, which puts out all kinds of socially conservative studies, often with an array of supporters from both political camps. A few years back they told us that kids are hardwired to need religion. However, some divorce studies have been questioned by other researchers, for a couple of key reasons. One of the biggies is that when it comes to divorce, it's sometimes hard to know where the real problem lies. For example, if couples divorce because of certain marital issues, and it can be hard to determine if the divorce itself messed with the kids, or if it was those other issues. Another problem is that some studies ask children of divorce to self-report levels of happiness, and it's hard to know if those folks claim greater angst because their parents' problems were identified and perhaps more openly discussed.

We do know that financial and emotional resources can be limited for single parents- but does that mean staying in an unhappy marriage is the best answer? What about better community support for solo parents? More educational and career resources so prevent poverty? Affordable daycare and health coverage? Nope, stay with that man, ladies, even if you can hardly stand him.

Whether you buy the divorce research or not, you should know I love this quote from the article: "Marriage also binds children to their fathers, who usually find it very difficult to maintain consistent and positive relationships with their children without the support and encouragement of their children’s mother." I think that is strong enough to be patently insulting to fathers everywhere. Maybe you menfolk didn't know you need us women around if you want to stay close to your kids. On behalf of great dads, and especially great single dads everywhere, I say "UGH!"

This little gem wraps up with this: "So, this Mother’s Day, lift a glass to dear old Mom, and lift it especially high if she honored the vows she made on her wedding day." This "dear old Mom" would like to barf when she reads crap like that. If Wilcox thinks it's my responsibility to honor those vows and hold the family together, I'd almost like to contact my attorney.

Single Parents Do It...Better?

Karen Murphy — Tue, 08 May 2007 15:03:00 GMT

As a single mom, I worry from time to time about the detrimental effect my singletudinousness is having on my kids. After all, it was my decision to "rip apart" their family in the pursuit of my own selfish happiness, thus ensuring me a continuous supply of guilt for the next 20 years or so, so shouldn't I just have continued to suck it up and deal for another, what, 13 years until the littlest turns 18? Yeah. Well. In another life, maybe. But like all parents, I still worry from time to time if I'm doing my best.

It turns out I could have simply done a little reading and felt much much better, because here's justification for the theory that there are some things that single parents have an easier time with:

1. Usually there's a lack of money, so buying expensive toys and maintaining a consumerist lifestyle isn't an issue. The kids don't feel cheated or deprived because they know the situation.

2. The kids have to be nice to you, because you're the only parent they've got. No playing one parent against the other (except in joint cusody situations, and that's a whole different kind of fun!).

3. You're more accessible that parent-couples are. The flip side is that it can become weird, with the kid standing in for the missing spouse, but assuming that's avoided, it can certainly be said that in general, kids see more of their single parents than they might of parents who are constantly jetting off to Bermuda or something. Since I work from home and can mantain a flexible schedule, when my kids are with me I'm fortunate to be able to be totally present for them.

4. Did I mention that money and "stuff" is less of an issue? You can't buy anything if you don't have the money. Which means that kids have to come up with more creative ways to entertain themselves. You can do a lot with a box of paperclips!

All styles of parenting are choices made for various reasons and under various cicumstances. Being a single parent might not be my first choice for my children, but it's what I have. Looking at itthrough the lens of what it GIVES the children instead of what they LACK because of it makes everything easier. It's good to know that there are positive ways of looking at ALL the choices, no matter what those choices may be.

Dads Rule: New Data Tells Us Fathers Matter (A Lot)

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 14:11:00 GMT

Ok so we know sometimes dads get a bum wrap. We've heard them take note of their minority status in the blogosphere. We've read that they sometimes feel like "just a paycheck." And we know several groups have formed in Britain and the U.S. to insure father's rights in custody battles. There is no doubt that fathers are often under-appreciated, sometimes deservedly so.

But have you ever been a single parent? I have and I'll tell you what. It sucks. Don't get me wrong. Being in a lousy relationship with an unhelpful parent partner can be terrible too. But when you are in a relationship with a good father, the relief is immense and the yoke of motherhood can become downright manageable.

The father-child relationship is incredibly crucial to the healthy development and maturation of kids into adulthood. A recent study found that the quality of the father-child relationship is predictive of success in intimate relationships in adulthood. I've seen my children with and without an active father person in the home. And the difference is immense. So maybe I should seriously consider that request for a "man space" after all.