Strollerderby : sperm donors

Gay Man and Straight Woman Choose to Parent Together

Miriam Axel-Lute — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:24:00 GMT

Terry Finnegan and Selina Evans seemed to everyone in their childbirth classes to be a normal couple. But there were a few things their fellow expectant parents didn't know: like, Terry is gay and the two met online because they each wanted kids and weren't sure how it was going to happen (Selina was divorced and didn't want to be a single mom). They became close friends, drew up a "baby contract," Selina used a "donation" from Terry to inseminate, and now they are ecstatic new parents, talking about moving in together, but needing to get a place large enough to have their own rooms.

It was fun to read about, but honestly, I'm not even sure why an arrangement like this is news any more. Quads made up of two gay men and two lesbians have been doing versions of this for years. I knew a straight man who was not only the donor but also the active father for his queer best friends' kids. Parents who have fallen out of love/lust but are still friends raise kids together all the time.

After all, why do you need to be sleeping with someone to parent with them?

Most of the worries that are raised are so weak as to be laughable: "Some day Isabella will ask why mummy and daddy sleep in different bedrooms." Oh my. Please let all children never have to ask anything more troubling than that.

Even the idea that some day they would each find romantic partners and she might have three dads is a bit ho-hum. Like, um, umptyskillion children of divorce everywhere? Except without the breaking apart of the family first? And with a written contract that stipulates responsibilities and priorities? It would be a change, true, but its effects would all be in the handling. (It should be noted also that they are both very clear on putting the kid and their role as parents first and not intending to introduce step-parents to the mix even if they date.)

Yes, of course there will be oddities and challenges. There are in every family. Such an arrangement wouldn't be for everybody. But as far as I can tell the most abnormal thing about these two is they have a five-month-old and didn't mention sleep deprivation once.

(Hat-tip Proud Parenting.)

More by this author:

Journalist Suing for Sperm-Donor Dad's Identity

JeanneSager — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:51:00 GMT

Oliva Pratten knows her dad was stocky. He had brown hair like her and blue eyes. She even knows his blood type. What she doesn't know is who his or how he came to deposit a cup of sperm at a bank in her native Canada. Now she's suing to find out.

Pratten, a twenty-six-year-old journalist who now lives and works in New York, is suing on behalf of the spawn of all sperm donors in British Columbia, hoping to protect sperm bank records from a shredding of Arthur Anderson proportions. The goal, she says, is to end the practice of destroying medical records after six years practiced by many fertility doctors. The suit has already ensured a temporary injunction against destroying the paperwork in British Columbia, laid down by chief justice of the BC Supreme Court.

Currently adoption records in a number of Canadian provinces, including British Columbia, are protected. Pratten says that protection should apply to the children conceived by gamete donation because they too have a biological parent mystery to be solved. The fertility doctor who helped her mom get pregnant respectfully disagrees. He says he'd be violating the man's confidentiality, and without a signed release he'll give her no more than the basic medical facts.

I'm a big proponent of open adoptions, and I'd say that would extend to gamete donations. Kids should get the full story if everyone agrees to share it. But that's a very personal if. If a guy walks into a medical office today with the full knowledge he might have a kid knocking on his door in 18 years, that's one thing. It's why I think all donors today should be subject to having their identity shared with their "kids" down the road. For the kids' sake.

But for the medical student who yanked off into a cup to help pay his tuition twenty-six years ago, thinking he was doing so under a shroud of anonymity? Is anything more than disseminating medical information to the products of his donation a violation of his privacy? Or should a guy going through med school have been capable of seeing this coming?

Image: Vancouver Sun

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Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

Erin White — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:26:00 GMT

Madeline and her faithful readers have come up with a bevy of rude, ruder, and rudest questions to ask a pregant women. I can't help but add my two cents with a short but rude list of questions I got during my two pregnancies.

But before I do, let me just say that I am wholeheartedly committed to deepening people's understanding of how LGBT couples become parents. I know that often times what looks like homophobia is simply misinformation and that, armed with the facts, people are far more likely to be comfortable with and accepting of lesbian and gay families. But pregnancy brings out the sensitive in all of us, gay or straight, so here are five questions that, in my opinion, should be googled, not asked:

1. Do you know the father?

Darlin', there is no father. There is a donor, and maybe I know him and maybe I don't, but either way it's no business of yours.

2. Did you consider adoption?

We did. DId you?

3. What is the baby going to call you?

Ms. W. and Ms. C. Lesbians are nothing if not formal.

4. Do you hope it's a girl?

The fact that lesbians want to have sex with women doesn't mean we want to populate the planet with them. It's 2008, people. The Marge Piercy novels are out of print and Holly Near is married to a man. Lesbian Separatism is (mostly) dead.

5. Was IVF just a fortune?

I don't know. I didn't have IVF. I had Artifical Insemination. And so did the vast majority of other pregant lesbians, some of whom actually made it a DIY job. (WIth a syringe, not a turkey baster.)

So there's my list. What can you add?

Strollerderby Playdate: Are You My Brother??

Erin White — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:01:00 GMT

I have to admit that I'm a little nervous about this playdate. I have no idea who, if anyone, is going to show up, or if my kid is going to like them.

Back in 2000, Wendy Kramer and her son started this website with the hope that children conceived with the help of a sperm donor could make connections with their siblings regardless of whether or not they knew who their donor was. As of today, the site has over 1200 members (and scads more lurkers, myself included) and has made over 5000 sibling matches. The site is simple to navigate and allows parents to search using several different criteria, depending on what they might know about their donor. It also provides helpful information about how to talk with your children about their conception story, and what you might expect in terms of a relationship with a donor, should you find him (the site has facilitated a number of sucessful donor-offspring matches). You can also let people know that you are looking for more vials of a particuar donor's goods, or that you have extras available, which makes the site sort of a Craig's List for sperm.

The Donor Sibling Registry is, without a doubt, a great resource for people who want to make genetic connections for their children. But let me tell you what I worry about (because by now I'm sure you've realized that there's always something I'm worried about): kids going on the site without their parents. While the Registry's policy states that it exists for parents and children over the age of 18, the use of the site cannot be regulated. I worry about teenagers searching without their parents and then becoming confused and overwhelmed with the information they find. Still, as someone who believes wholeheartedly in abandoning the secrecy that has historically dominated in the world of donor-conceived children, I am all for this site. Hell, I might even register my success stories one of these days.