Useless Gifts: The Spinmallow

Karen Murphy — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 12:50:00 GMT

I grew up with a fireplace. That burned real wood. And we actually had fires in it! During the long, cold, California winters (where "cold" is a relative term), every weekend Mom would pop Dobie Gray on the hi-fi and Dad would veg out to football on our black-and-white TV (we were the last family on Earth to get color) and stoke up the fire. And a couple times a year, we'd have marshmallows.

I got pretty good at toasting them, too: golden brown on the outside, not burnt, and gooey-creamy on the inside. Perfect. The trick was patience. Mom didn't have any. She'd dunk hers right into the flames, set it afire, blow it out, then pronounce that charred-but-raw horror delicious. (Yeah, and she claimed to like burnt toast, too. I just thought she was being the martyr, but maybe she needed more carbon in her system. Whatever.)

And of course the trick also involved rotation. To perfectly brown each side evenly. Like I said, it's an art.

But...a battery-powered faux-wood-grain marshmallow spinner? That is wrong on so many levels. How can you teach your kids the art of perfectly-toasted marshmallows, just right to slide off onto that meltable chocolate for s'mores, using this monstrosity? And how can they be sure that 92 rpm is the right speed, anyway? Looks too fast to me. Or! For increased ridiculousness, you can get the Super Spinmallow (which spins at 153 RPM and includes an attached flashlight). Oy.

But! Have a look at Jon Heder using the Spinmallow. He seems to have some difficulty with the motorized food-related products. I don't blame him a bit.

P.S. Oh, the inventor has a sense of humor; he's posted links to blogs talking about his product.

P.P.S. I'll bet there's a lot of guys wishing they could use the phrase "extends to 29"" about something a little closer to home.

Strollerderby : spinmallow

Useless Gifts: The Spinmallow