Strollerderby : stay at home dads

Stay At Home Moms Worth $122,000

JeanneSager — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:29:00 GMT

I was recently accused of inciting a mommy war between the "stay at homes" and the "working mothers." I honestly out-right guffawed. Because as a working mom who spends part of her time working from home, I've always felt sort of betwixt and between. And respected the heck out of both sides!

Not to mention the list of stay at home dads and working dads I know (including some of my fellow 'Derby writers).

And now to show all you stay-at-home full-timers how much I think you're worth, a little math from Salary.com. In the "real" world, you'd be raking in six figures.

Based on ten daily functions described by a survey of some twelve thousand stay-at-home moms (why they didn't include dads I don't know - those numbers are growing!), the average stay-at-homer should be earning $122,732 a year. In other words - that's what they'd be paying someone else to do all of those duties.

The reason I love this number? Because everytime one of my stay-at-home mom friends tells me she feels like she should kowtow to her working partner, I can throw it at her. See, you're not just worth something as a human being. You're also worth something in the world of family finance.

My biggest contention has always been that those of us who work out of the home usually PAY someone to watch our children. So a stay-at-home mom or dad is saving the family that money.

Then throw in how many more take away meals are consumed in families where both partners work (because as Keri noted the other day, the finances weigh out - it's cheaper to cook it than to buy it). Ironically, several comments left on Keri's post came from parents who don't believe a baking parent's time is worth anything special. This survey begs to differ.

The Salary.com survey goes on to list eight other occupations filled by a stay-at-home parent, including "housekeeper, computer operator, facilities manager, van driver, psychologist, laundry machine operator, janitor and chief executive officer."

The survey puts a working parent's "at home" salary around $76,184. You have to tack on their actual wages to come up with a fair number - but I'd reckon you then have to subtract daycare, take away meals, etc.

So who's better? Neither one. And I say that as a betwixt and between parent. We're all just doing what works for us. But we're all worth something - just ask our kids.

Image: More4Kids

Also on Babble:

Bringing Sexy Back: Involved Dads

JeanneSager — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:28:00 GMT

The news that a man at the helm of a parenting publication was news to the New York Times is nothing short of depressing. So he's a dad, and he's interested in parenting issues. And?

Come on, is that all there is here? Because we've got several dads who write for Babble on a regular basis (and one who outfits his daughter in some natty duds off his own sewing machine . . . I'll leave it to you readers to fight it out over which 'Derby Dad could double for Dior).

The point is, dads who know their parenting stuff are there - and they deserve credit for something other than what's hanging down between their legs.

Maybe I'm just cranky because I just put down a novel by a stay-at-home-dad about a stay-at-home-dad's brush with feeling too feminine simply for staying at home. Man of the House is Ad Hudler's follow-up to Househusband, a book I confess I never read.

Main character Linc Menner is Hudler in novel form, an anal-retentive (character and author both started coloring clubs in elementary school, then kicked the other kids to the curb for straying over the lines . . . they make medicine for that kind of thing these days) guy who decides he'll stick to the house to raise his daughter while his wife continues climbing the corporate ladder. The emasculating part isn't in letting their wives bring home the bacon but in a brush with home construction on their Florida home - when a man who spends all day with a daughter roiling with the hormones of puberty and all night with a wife roiling with the hormones of menopause is suddenly face to face with the uber macho man most of us just call the contractor.

I was all set to mock the storyline - guy emasculated by being a stay-at-home - until I started reading. As the daughter of a contractor, who, by the way, cries during chick flicks (sorry Dad), I get this. To this day, I am the only one in my family who has to think "righty tighty, lefty loosey" before I fit the screwdriver into the appropriate slots and start spinning. I take careful thwacks with my hammer - at least four or five to their one capable whaaaaaack. What should be my birth right as the daughter of a contractor somehow has passed me by - hopefully to my daughter.

The problem is, Linc Menner isn't any better at hanging drywall than I am - the difference in our "down there parts" be darned. So why should that separate our parenting skills? Why shouldn't a book about a guy making fun of the idiot mothers who have to have their own special parking spot in the school pick-up line be considered as snarky and fresh as it would coming from a mother herself? Man of the House isn't a book about a guy who steps into being the "mother" of the household. It's the book about a guy, who stays home with his kid, makes her eat three squares and do her homework and drives the van to the mall with a bunch of teenagers gabbing in the back.

In short, it's a book about a parent. The fact that it's not earth-shattering news makes it all the more worth reading.

Image: Amazon

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Back-to-School: Is It Always Cause for Celebration?

Jen Chaney — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 12:28:00 GMT

It's Labor Day. If your kids haven't already gone back to school, their first day is likely tomorrow. Which, if conventional wisdom can be believed, means moms and dads across America are celebrating. But is that really true?

We all remember that classic Staples commercial, where the father romps merrily through the school supply aisle to the tune of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." Indeed, for stay-at-home moms and dads, there probably is some relief that the kids won't be underfoot 24-7. But some moms and dads out there have to be a little sad at back-to-school time, right?

It means another summer has ended, that money must be spent on backpacks and No. 2 pencils, that all the fun times with the kids -- sculpting sandcastles at the beach, cheering at Saturday morning swim meets or seeing a matinee of "Wall*E" -- must now be replaced by making sure the homework gets done and changing over the family wardrobe from shorts to (shudder) sweaters.

I don't even have a kid of school-age, but I always feel a little depressed every time I see that first back-to-school ad. If nothing else, it's a stark reminder that time is marching on. And as someone famous once said, "The passing of time is monumentally sucky."

Okay, no one famous ever said that. But I think that statement is both true and enormously insightful. (Go ahead, Barack Obama. Feel free to borrow that one for your next big speech. I'll even let you take the credit.)

Parents of America, I ask you: Is back-to-school a time to rejoice, a time to weep, a time to do a little of both? Or is it a time to read posts like this one and wonder who the heck has time to write crap like this when there's so much to do to get ready for back-to-school, you stupid nitwit blogger? Share your thoughts -- and suggestions about where to purchase a reasonable pack of graph paper (do kids still use graph paper?) -- in the comments section below.

Stay at Home Moms Now More Housebound?

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:07:00 GMT

According to a CNN report, the economy is requiring more stay at home moms to stay home rather than go on outings or playgroups or employ other methods of insuring sanity stays in tact.

With the high cost of fuel and food, more women who aren't working are also experiencing more isolation as they choose to combine trips and errands to save money.

Jen Singer is says stay-at-home moms are good at living frugally but are fearful of their partner's losing their jobs, since worrying about job loss in a one-income family is... "much more frightening" than for dual income families.

Some economists are wondering if more people are opting out of the workforce as the costs of working become higher. Whatever the case, families living on only one income are having to become more frugal in order to survive.

10 Ways to Embrace Family Budgeting

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Budget Baby: 5 Money-Saving Tips that Won't Make You Crazy

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 20 May 2008 19:31:00 GMT

Let's face it. Budget consciousness isn't particularly sexy, but for many of us it is no longer optional. Gas and house and health prices, oh my!

But by employing a little patience and some creativity, even frugality can be clever. Here are 5 money-saving tips that won't make you (or your family) crazy:

1. No Shop. No Buy - I'm not a disciplined sort. Not at all. But one thing that helps me avoid those last-minute clothing or shoe purchases is to avoid shopping anywhere hocking adorable wares. Even an innocently inexpensive place like Target.. the clothing section of which lures me onto the rocky shores (especially in spring and summer with all those innocent little tank tops and bikinis singing to me).

2. Chicken - Yes cooking at home is far less expensive than eating out, but try and pull that off on a Wednesday night when everyone is hungry, cranky, and mommy and daddy need a drink. Sunday roast chicken can help with that. Roasting is easy for even non-cooks like me. Buy a 5 pound chicken, rub it with paprika, salt, and throw some rosemary sprigs inside the body. Bake at 350 for a few hours and dinner (and fabulous leftovers) is served.

3. Pack Up - Packing lunches and snacks may seem intimidating and time consuming but it's really not that bad if you add a few extra items to your grocery list. By buying a few extra granola bars and breakfast cookies, we save money on those drive-by purchases. On the West Coast you can drop serious dosh at all those drive through latte stands. But a carful of snacks and some hidden cans of caffeine save us from the perils of overpriced coffee.

4. Life is Free - The old saying goes "the best things in life are free" and for the most part, there is no better season to test this theory than summer. Water parks and children activity centers and Gymboree can be expensive, but parks are mostly still free. A little lead-based paint on some 70s structures never hurt anyone... For all the hardworking parents out there, summer can be mega-expensive. Why not send the kids to grandma's so you and the spouse can catch up on some personal free time? Who needs Club Med and Family Disney Vacations when a shag lock properly administered provides ample relief from the daily grind?

5. Waste Not. Want Not - Americans are a wasteful bunch. We suck down resources faster than anyone else in the world. Using less stuff one category at a time is an easy way to cut back. Pick a weekly theme and follow-through. This week, I'm focusing on reducing our grocery bill. So, for the first time in my adult life I brought coupons to the store and used them. We saved about $20 and then about another 20% by shopping at the less slick store in town. The one without the Starbucks inside.

Many people have wisely been careful with their money all along. But if you're like me, sometimes it takes a recession to get you to change your profligate ways.

What is mommy worth?

Brett Singer — Wed, 07 May 2008 13:35:00 GMT

This story pops up every now and then. The question is: how much would mom get paid if her job were in the private sector?

The Daily News reports on a study from MomConnection that has come up with a number for moms in New York. And… drum roll please…

$70,000 a year.

They came up with this amount using data from the web site salaryexpert.com.

As for what the women surveyed think they should get if they were to receive a yearly salary, "34% said $100,000, 31% said $50,000, 27% said $75,000 and 8% said $25,000." Man, I'd like to meet the women who said $25,000. Cheap date.

I say "women" because this survey was specifically about stay at home moms. I'm not crying discrimination or anything like that but it still surprises me how often articles like this read as if they were written in the 1950's.

Here's the best part (a quote from someone at MomConnection):

These are Generation Y moms in their 20s and early 30s who made a considered choice to become mothers…They are less likely to feel annoyed or to be whiny."

Oh! I see. As opposed to the whiny wimmen of Generation X, the Baby Boomers, and everyone who came before. Weren't they annoying? All that, "Wah! I want respect! I want equal pay! I'm whiny!" They didn't make a choice to become mothers. They were forced into it, right? (Grrr…)

So – I ask you, the readers. How would you respond? What do you think the salary for a mother should be? Or is what a mother does, to paraphrase the MasterCard ads, priceless?

image: The Daily News

When a Marriage Falls Apart (in the Blogosphere)

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:31:00 GMT

Well-known blogger Brazen Careerist, Penelope Trunk, is featured in today's New York Times talking about blogging divorce. What happens when exes blog their splits?

Tricia Walsh Smith (playwright, appropriately, of "Bonkers") posted an evicerating YouTube video about her ex- and suddenly the weapons of war have changed. The Internet, in particular blogs, provide a platform for the airing of grievances and accusations. People in the midst of divorces tend to blame, get bitter, and act like children. And now they're writing it all down for the world, and eventually their children, to read.

And of course not everyone stoops to the level of Ms. Walsh-Smith (see the video here):

The dissolution of a marriage doesn't have to mean the destruction of a family. But one wonders if the chances of an eventually peaceful outcome are made impossible by the new platforms available to angry spouses?

Judgment Day: Raising Resilient Kids Means Leaving Them Alone

Karen Murphy — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 16:03:00 GMT

Okay, a show of hands here: how many of you have had your kids in day care? And how many of you stayed home and played with your kids? (no judgment either way.)

Okay, next question: do you have clingy-ish kids or adaptable kids?

Anecdotal evidence suggests that kids grow up to be more resourceful, resilient, adaptable, and independent if they're left alone.

Case in point: I stayed home with kids #2 and 3 and now they come to me and wail, "What can I dooooooooo?", expecting me to somehow magically entertain them because that's what I did when they were smaller. Like All.The.Time. Kid #1 was in day care and was content to play on her own a good bit of the time and kid #4, an early preschool-goer, is pretty cool about being on his own. And I've talked to other parents who've had similar experiences with multiple kids, and in every case it was the kids who got 24/7 attention that turned out clingy while the kids who had babysitters and multiple caregivers became more independent. So there must be something to this.

This isn't a working-parent vs. stay-at-home parent thing. This is a letting-kids-find-their-own-way vs. feeling-you-have-to-do-and-be-everything for them thing. It's a lesson I wish I saw coming much earlier, as I sort of created a monster (three of them) while doing what I thought was the best thing. I mean, we all want what's best for our kids! It's just that having a parent 24/7 might not be that best thing, you know? Who knew?

So the time has come to wean them away, to unpeel them from my legs. Have any of you gone through this process, either by choice or circumstance? How did it work out?

Photo: www.steppingstoneslearning.org

Researchers Say Young Kids Don't Make You Happier; Parents Say, "Duh"

Kelly Mills — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 21:28:00 GMT

A new study has found that when it comes to a sense of satisfaction with life, it's your job that makes you feel good, not your kids. Men reported the highest rates of happiness when they had a full-time job, and women with kids were just happy with any hours worked. But young kids? Did not make folks any happier. Hmmm, why would going to a job where you can actually accomplish things all productive-like make us feel more satisfied than having children, whose very existence thwarts all productivity and who can manage to make even the most high-powered take charger feel inadequate? Plus, when you compare the pay scales for the two... Gee, I have no idea.

Actually, it wasn't just that people reported kids did not increase their contentment: In fact, the lowest rates of satisfaction were reported by women with kids under the ages of 3-4, and men with kids under 5 were least stoked. In other words, having li'l rugrats makes us less happy, at least until they go off to school. Know what I think? Between sleeplessness, tantrums, battles over getting dressed and biting other kids at the park, and the need to actually do things with a recalcitrant child or two in tow, well, parenting is HARD. But of course we loooove the little demons, and if you can survive those early years, I think it does get better and eventually more satisfying. Either that or go out and get a real full-time job for some break time.

Stay-at-Home-Dads Raising Dumb Sons

Madeline Holler — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 22:39:00 GMT

Have I got some fuel for the Daddy Wars! (As a battle-weary veteran of the Mommy Wars – breast is best! breast is best! – I feel fully within my rights to fan the flames on the paternal frontlines).

Forget about this guy who pulled the classic competi-mommy tactic of appealing to parents’ sense of responsibility and questioning their devotion to precious offspring. What really works in parenting wars are statistics. Like these:

A large-scale survey of stay-at-home dad’s offspring shows that sons of said career-leavers are slower and less ready for school than other children. (Ka-pow!) As if men who chose to stay at home weren’t emasculated enough by their society and, often, peers, here’s the worst of the news: their daughters were just fine. (Doh! Who wants a dumb son?)

Said one concerned researcher: "We should not simply assume that children will be unaffected by the dismantling of traditional gender roles but consider their needs, as well as those of their parents."

Indeed! (Hang on, the casserole’s done and my happy, smart girly-girls are hungry!)

Okay, where was I. Oh! Mom’s stay home for a reason, Dad’s stay home because they’re bad role models for their boys.

Searching for reasons, the article sites a likely lack of breastfeeding if Mom works and Dad doesn’t. (See, didn’t I SAY breast is best!) And also, Booboo misses his mommy.

“There might be ‘harmful emotional effects’ from the absence of a mother. These effects may be magnified if maternal absence is due to employment that increases tiredness and stress, and hence reduces a mother's sensitivity to a child's needs."

Nothing in the survey showed whether the poor, idiot sons eventually caught up in school. Also, no word on what exactly constituted school readiness. But who cares. It’s ammo for the battle, and this Mom wants to win! (Wait, what are the stakes again?)

The Calculus of Family Planning: Sometimes Real Young is Real Good

Madeline Holler — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 13:41:00 GMT

Once in a while, usually in moments of work vs. family crisis, I think it would have been smarter to have gotten pregnant at 18. I know, I know. But think about it -- college subsidized daycare, something to keep you home at night, grade school by the time you're ready to work full time professionally.

Of course, the 20-year-old version of me would have, in no way, been a suitable mother. I'm thinking a mix of Britney and Denise Richards with the McCanns thrown in for high drama. But, you know, logistics. I’m talking logistics. Becoming a mother in my early 30s instead, with few daycare options, long commutes, lots of overnight travel, forced me to make some career compromises. Yet, had I waited, who knows how well my ovaries would have held up.

Shouldn’t there be a way to calculate all this? Well … there is! Kind of.

A business student designed a mathematical model, which is supposed to find the balance of a woman’s professional, social and family objectives and their relative importance to each woman. It includes age-related things, too, like fertility and the consequences of aging eggs.

For example, a doctoral student who wants kids eventually but doesn’t want to wreck her academic career is advised to get pregnant after getting tenure.

A 20-year-old who wants kids at 35 but also a career would, according to the model, achieve a better life balance if she had kids younger. (See, I think this is what I was talking about.)

The idea that major life decisions can be boiled down to numbers is interesting. Sort of does the heavy-lifting of a Pros and Cons chart. But it’s all hindsight driven, in a way. I mean, who wants to be accountable for what they thought at 20? And much later than that, it's crunch time.

In the U.S., at least, these decisions feel very dire. Is it like that for women everywhere? Anyway, what business student is going to design the model -- mathematical or not -- that makes it easier to have all of it at any time? Hmmm? We're waiting.

Gen X Dads Do More than Prior Generations, but Is it Enough?

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 21:01:00 GMT

It is unclear whether stay at home daddy-dom is as unusual and newsworthy as it was back in the mid-80s when Michael Keaton made housewives everywhere swoon with his "Mr. Mom" routine (He cooked! He cleaned! He watched soap operas!) but Newsweek's Brian Braiker seems to think so.

The generational differences between our dads and the men doing the daddying these days can easily be summed up by the tasks that are undertaken now with great regularity by daddies everywhere (diaper-changing, school schlepping, bathing)... This group of dads is definitely hands-on.

Thankfully, Mr Braiker states outright that he's "...not asking for a medal" for his childrearing efforts -- a wise move should he ever desire to get laid again in this lifetime. His observations about generational differences and sex roles are keen and relatively accurate, if somewhat limited by his (assuming here) upper income bracket.

While it's true that men these day spend more time with their children than prior generations, it is also true that many many women (one of whom wrote an article for Newsweek) still feel (and studies validate) that they are doing the majority of household work, regardless of how much bacon they are or are not still bringing home. And until that inequity is solved, I'm afraid very few men will be getting medals after all.

Perpetuating the Mommy Wars

Karen Murphy — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 18:48:00 GMT

Hello, I thought we were done with this. I guess I was wrong. But there's something about this piece over at The Imperfect Parent trashing stay-at-home moms who complain abut their lives and the judgment they receive that rubs me the wrong way. Is it possible I am looking for someone else to make me feel good about myself, because I have been a stay-at-home mom (and now a work-at-home mom, woo) for the past 12 years and have no self-esteem as a result?

Probably, at least according to the Imperfect Parent piece.

After all, we all derive our identities from our jobs, don't we? (<-- sarcasm) And if our jobs are [in the eyes of others] nothing but wiping butts and noses, guess what that makes us??

Yeah, yeah, I know. You can feel fulfilled by staying at home and raising children. I should know, I did it. And it was fulfilling, for awhile.

But I beg to differ with the premise that the feeling of being judged, that so many SAHMs perceive, is of their own making. I know first-hand that many husbands, for instance, regard wiping butts and noses and cooking and cleaning as something less than, WAY less than, earning actual money from an actual job. And if you don't get respect at home, you're not going to get it from the wider world, trust me. Oh sure, you can say, "Well, many working moms would give their eyeteeth/right arms/first-born to stay at home like YOU GET TO DO [you lazy complaining person who doesn't know a good thing when it's RIGHT THERE IN HER LAP], but they don't get to. And they would TOTALLY appreciate the opportunity, too (unlike you). So why don't YOU get a job and let some OTHER MOM stay at home??!"

The fact is, we all make choices. Some of us feel less freedom, or have less freedom, to make those choices. Some moms and of course dads have to work or want to work. That's fine. Some can stay home. That's fine too. But seriously, neither situation is completely ideal, is it? If you work you can derive satisfaction from being rewarded in a tangible way for something you did. But you often don't have time to be with the people you love. If you stay home, there's less of a tangible reward (unless you are counting kisses and hugs, which of course are wonderful but are more difficult to use when paying the bills, and frankly, I expect them whether I work outside the home or not) but more opportunity for meaningful interaction with people you love. There's no one right way to be a parent.

In my Happy Bubble Land, we would all feel supported for our choices, and we would all have the ability to choose the lifestyle that really made us feel fulfilled and happy while affording financial opportunities as well.

But until that happens, I totally reserve the right to bitch once in awhile about my life and I grant you the right to do the same about yours.

College Student Admits Ignorance; Parents Rejoice

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 17:22:00 GMT

Remember the college student who said stay-at-home dads have it easy? That at-home dads might as well wax their surfboards and hit the beach, for all the fun they're gonna have in the Land of Domesticity?

Well, he's back. With his tail between his legs. Nicely. Rebeldad got a nice note from the young man the other day, explaining that he was just poking a little fun -- trying to bring some light-hearted humor to all the students mixed up in the icky business of finals and what not. What he encountered instead was a torch-bearing, angry parental mob led fronted by yours truly.

Believe me, I know a thing or two about jokes falling on their face. I still get emails about this one (even though I'll defend to the end the idea that "Saturday Night Live" will never be considered "earnest" and also that some people are uptight morons).

It seems that sometimes you give someone a kid and they give you back their sense of humor. If that's the case, I'm wondering now if this poor, young college columnist might put off parenthood longer than he expected ....

Washington Post's "On Being" Series Features Stay-at-Home-Dad

Stefania Pomponi Butler (CityMama) — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 23:03:00 GMT

Jennifer Crandall's "On Being" series for the Washington Post features video clips of people from all walks of life, and this week's topic, "On Being: a stay-at-home-parent features Jeffrey Barehand and his son Beckham.

I was comforted to see that his hair is slightly dishevled and his clothes are slightly wrinkled, just like mine. He also has that ~~tired and punch drunk~~ "relaxed" demeanor of a typical stay-home-parent.

Barehand talks about feeling like an "eco-Nazi" for driving and SUV and his need for self-medication, at least glass of wine a night. (Hmmm. Wonder if the sanctimommies will get all up in arms about a dad drinking?). Like all of us who stay home with our kids (or all of us who do the "Juggle"), it's all worth it when you feel tiny arms encircle your neck and a little voice saying, "Da."

Stay at Home Dads Shunned at PlayGroup? Lucky Guys.

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 16:02:00 GMT

Daddy Blogger Doodaddy has a thought-provoking post about the difficulties of creating a play group and community when one is a stay-at-home-dad. He sadly recounts a discussion with a woman at the park who chirpily announces her victoriously busy schedule full of dates and groups and outings. He admits to having only one park buddy, who met his wife previously and who was therefore grandfathered in. The problem here appears to be a perception on his part that if he weren't carrying around an extra piece of equipment, he'd be all in. I sympathize with his plight, but not because he's a dad. As a fellow playgroup reject (albeit by choice), I can understand his frustration.

Plenty of clear-thinking parents do not heart play groups or get togethers, or Gymboree, or nothin, which brings us back to the necessity of cocktail playdates. Otherwise, all that standing around jawing about little Billy's diapering is just dull dull dull. I didn't enjoy that talk before kids, and I sure don't like it now. I like what many Babble-readers like: political discussions, talk of books, philosophy, relationships, shoes, and sometimes sometimes my life as a parent, but as the exception rather than the rule, and not in the middle of a boring living room while munching cheese and crackers. Doodaddy may find that if he were invited to join the club, he wouldn't really enjoy it that much anyway. Friends are hard to find. Good friends even harder. If he's willing to follow some simple playdate rules, he can come over to my house any old time.

At-Home Dads Have It Way. Too. Easy.

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 13:28:00 GMT

I'm totally going about this stay-at-home dad business the wrong way. Apparently instead of shopping for dinner and cleaning the kitchen and quelling tantrums and mastering that $#@! sippy cup and passing on language and praying to dear lord sweet jebus for nap time, I should be watching as many sports programs (matches? meets?) as possible, finding new hobbies, like surfing and building rocking chairs, and not worrying about "wasting" that college degree.

Uh huh.

This particular vision of the at-home parenting lifestyle is by a Stanford college student who penned a column -- "It's sad we don't consider becoming a SAHD" -- about all the glories and free time at-home dads have suddenly wandered into.

I'm not going to rip apart this poor, deluded lad -- despite the gravy boat of opportunities:

"Aren’t you going to be bored staying at home all day? Not when you have more hobbies than a ten-year old. I will definitely need to live by the ocean so I can surf and have a garage where I can watch “The New Yankee Workshop” on PBS and make cool furniture with fancy tools. I’ll sing lullabies on my guitar and take lots of pictures while practicing my black-and-white photography skills. Then there are the things I still want to learn: chess, French and car mechanics."

For starters, that's pretty funny -- and I think he was trying to be funny. I hope. But also because Rebel Dad has already linked to this particular story and at-home dads are ganging up on him like it's Dollar Day at Baby Legs. (The comments are the best part of the whole thing.) But the real reason I'm not going to rip him apart is because this particular vision is, sadly, shared by many.

I can't tell you how many single friends I have who think I've got it made -- and I do, to a degree, because I am watching my girl grow -- but wow, learning French? Going surfing? Being bored? Do people really think at-home dads shove their babies in a closet all day? Would they think the same about a mom?

Maybe We Are Mr. Moms; Dad Survey Tells All

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 15:55:00 GMT

Stay-at-home dads are happy. They're happy with themselves. They're happy in their relationships. They're practically riding the Zoloft Train to the playground. And the happiest stay-at-home dads of all, it seems, don't necessarily put themselves in the manly man category. Does that make them -- us! -- women? Nope, just happy.

The University of Texas completed its survey on stay-at-home dads -- a survey I reported on a few weeks ago, wondering why there were 9 billion questions about whether I hated gay people. I finally have my answers.

It seems that the happiest stay-at-home dads are those who don't fit into traditional gender roles. Those who seek dominance over women, have trouble expressing themselves, feel they must do everything alone and have a penchant for John Wayne movies have a tough time on the at-home homefront, according to the results. Whereas those who lust after this guy are doing just fine.

"Overall the sample had significantly lower conformity to traditional masculine norms and values than similarly aged men in the community ...."

Although I spent the past weekend in a sewing class wondering which quilt fabrics I was going to tear apart to make my daughter a skirt -- all while mentally working out a recipe for fiddlehead ferns -- I have no idea what this survey is talking about.

The early study results (which I'm re-posting in full below because they don't seem to be online anywhere) offer an interesting glimpse into the makeup of the American stay-at-home dad.

They're happy, for one -- we've covered that. But it's still interesting to note that at-home dad happiness is "slightly higher" than other dads. Considering that I spent yesterday at the ballpark with my daughter, I can't imagine why.

At-home dads are predominantly white -- at least those who responded to the survey. They're roughly 37 and have 1.8 kids. They're college educated and tend to do better at home when they have more social support -- whether from spouses or friends.

It's not surprising to me that at-home dads have a different view of gender roles. Whether we like it or not, the at-home world is a woman's world -- and if a dad is going to fit in at the playground or the mothers group, it's probably not a good idea to rock out without his smock out.

But the study raises a chicken-and-the-egg conundrum in my mind. Do those who have less traditional views of gender roles become stay-at-home dads, or does staying home do that to them?

Take a look at the early results and help me decide:

Dear SAHF research participants,

Thanks again for participating in the research on SAHFs. We will be presenting the results of this project at the American Psychological Association Conference in San Francisco (August, 2007) and preparing the data for publication in an academic men’s journal (likely Psychology of Men and Masculinity).

Below is my best effort to summarize the results. If you recall, what we were most interested in evaluating what factors predicted psychological well-being and relationship satisfaction among a large national sample of stay-at-home fathers. In addition, we were interested in finding out how this sample of men reported doing on various psychological and parenting measures. Below are what I consider to be the most central facts and findings. More data will be provided in the manuscript.

The sample

Complete data was submitted by 213 men who considered themselves SAHFs. The average age was 37 and the sample was primarily Caucasian (93%). Ninety-seven percent of the sample had been employed prior to becoming a SAHF. Sixty-seven percent of the sample reported being currently not-employed and endorsed being a full time childcare provider. Another 30% of the sample worked part-time in or outside of the home. Ninety-eight percent of the sample was married. Seventy-two percent of the sample had a bachelors degree or higher. Average number of children was 1.8 (2 was the most common number of children).

Reports of Psychological Well-Being, Life Satisfaction, and Relationship Satisfaction

Overall, the sample reported average to moderately high levels of life satisfaction and psychological well-being . The average for the sample for well-being and life satisfaction was 29 and 26, respectively, out of a possible 35 points. Relationship satisfaction levels were slightly higher with a mean of 30 out of a possible 36. This data is comparable, if not slightly higher, to data reported in other studies on non SAHFs.

Predictors or “correlates” of Well-Being, Life-Satisfaction and Relationship Satisfaction

Importantly, there was a considerable range in the scores on the measures used in the study. In other words, some of the men were doing great – reporting high levels of life satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, and low levels of distress. Others were lower on these variables and not doing as well. So we were interested in looking at what variables were related to or predicted distress and life and relationship satisfaction. We found several significant variables described below.

1) Social Support – Men who reported high levels of social support reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being (i.e., less distress), and overall were more satisfied in their lives. Social support seemed important in several different contexts – with their partner, friends, and family. Conversely, those who had low social support in these areas seemed to be struggling more in their relationships and in life.

2) Parenting Confidence and Skills – Men who reported higher levels of confidence or self-efficacy (essentially another word for confidence) with many of the basic tasks of parenting seemed happier in their lives. Interestingly, there were a few different types of parenting self-efficacy that told us further information. These included how well men encouraged their children to be autonomous in life (and in their play) as well as how confident men felt about being nurturing toward their children. Men who rated themselves higher on these dimensions (having more confidence in being nurturing toward their kids and encouraging them to be independent at times) reported being happier in their lives and experienced less distress.

3) Masculinity Conformity – An additional focus of this study was how stay-at-home fathers rated themselves on a commonly used measure of conformity (or adherence) to traditional male role norms or values. These are essentially statements that men either agree or disagree with in terms of what it means for them to be a man. For example, very traditional norms of masculinity would include such ideas that men should be powerful, successful, have dominance over women, solve problems by themselves, avoid emotional expression, etc.

Overall the sample had significantly lower conformity to traditional masculine norms and values than similarly aged men in the community (as contrasted to other data to be published). In general, this is a good thing as there is a significant literature base that suggests that strict adherence to these traditional values is related to a number of psychological and physical problems including substance abuse, depression, anxiety, problems in relationships, etc.

However, as with the other variables in the study there as a considerable range in responses. What we found is that SAHFs who had lower scores on this masculinity measure (which represented less traditional and more flexible male gender roles) reported being more satisfied in life and their relationships and had lower levels of psychological distress. Conversely, men who had higher conformity to these masculine norms had lower reported levels of life and relationship satisfaction and higher distress. In the most simple way of explaining this - SAHF who considered themselves more (traditionally) masculine seemed to be struggling some in their roles, reporting more distress and not being as happy in life and in their relationship. Masculinity conformity was also related to social support, with men who had endorsed more traditional ideals of masculinity reported having lower levels of social support in their lives.

Final Comments

Of course, these results are very interesting to us and will undoubtedly be a nice contribution to the (small) literature on stay-at-home dads and more broadly men and masculinity. Some of the results may be surprising to you while others may see it all as “common sense.” You may also think of your own pattern as fitting in with these results or not at all. In the paper, we will be commenting much more on the implications, limitations, and the need for more research on this topic.

My hope is that maybe you all can take a small piece of this study and think about how it fits (or doesn’t fit) into your unique situation.

But for now, I did want to share these results with everyone who participated. Again, I thank everyone for participating and contributing to this area of research.

All the best to you and your families.

Kindly,

Aaron Rochlen, Ph.D.
Associate Professor
Counseling Psychology

At-Home Dad Numbers Soar -- Rock On, Pops

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 11:09:00 GMT

When I tell people what I do with myself these days, I generally get two responses. "No, seriously, what do you really do?" is one of them. The other is a look of envy, followed by a cluck of the tongue and a wistful glance skyward. "Oh man, I wish."

More and more at-home dads could be facing this same conversational dichotomy. Rebel Dad points out new Census figures that show the number of at-home dads is rising -- from 147,000 in 2004 to 159,000 in 2005. (The Census is slooowwww with new figures, it seems.)

Sure, we take a good-natured ribbing every now and then. People just don't understand our deviant lifestyles, I suppose. But that's fine. It's worth it.

I never thought I would stay home with a kid. I was all about the career -- moving up, moving forward. Working. Working. Working. For a few weeks after I first began staying home, I wondered if I made the right decision. I was accustomed to a fast-moving lifestyle, deadlines and the camaraderie of a workplace -- even if we only talked about "Office Space" all day long.

But over the next few months, I found myself by her side when my daughter took her first steps. I saw her perform her first sign -- "bird," she said with her fingers. I even grew to enjoy changing her diaper -- when we sing songs and clap our hands. Sure, she can drive me batty sometimes, but she knows I'm there if she just needs to sit down for a bit and hug.

It's been about seven months now, maybe eight. I've lost count. But I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. I hope the growing ranks of at-home dad feel the same.

Colbert Report Uncovers Growing Menace: SAHDS

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 02:19:00 GMT

There's a problem in America -- a "horrible, unsolvable problem," according to the Colbert Report. I have to admit when I saw the news story, I was shocked, shocked! to see this is happening in modern-day America. It says something about our country, about who we are as a people. And it's not good.

According to the show, it seems dads are, gasp, staying home to raise their children! While their wives return to work! I have never been more repulsed in all my life. I share your outrage, Stephen Colbert -- this is "part of a dangerous movement that is threatening the American way of life." And it's about time we do something about it.

Find out more about the horrible outrage at the At Home Dad Newsletter -- where a video of Colbert's investigative report is online for all to see. There's also an interview with Eamon Stookesberry, the at-home dad who very bravely stood up for all to see just how big this problem is, this "spectre of SAHDS."

Please join me in writing to the Colbert Report to express your outrage and adamant desire that one day we'll be able to stamp out this insidious trend.

Male Caregivers Excluded From Dutch Playgroups

Patti — Sat, 10 Feb 2007 13:27:00 GMT

The Netherlands is known for being liberal. So why is that the publicly-run playgroups, designed for toddlers and preschoolers, explicitly exclude fathers and other male caregivers? According to Dutch mama Ingrid Robeyns, it's to accomodate mothers whose cultural practices preclude them from participating in mixed-gender social groups. Robeyns admits that there may be reasons to support such a policy, even as it comes at the expense of men.

I was once involved in a playgroup in another place known for its liberality--San Francisco. Originally comprised of stay-at-home moms and mothers on maternity leave, our group was soon faced with the inevitable: someone invited a stay-at-home dad to join us with his child. And I'm sorry to report, he wasn't well-received. After he attended one of our gatherings, a flurry of emails went out and much hand-wringing and clutching-of-cruelty-free-pearls took place. Suddenly we were divided into three camps: those of us who thought of our group as a safe, woman-only place where we could discuss vaginal discharge, those of us who didn't realize it would be out of line to discuss vaginal discharge in front of a married father who presumably was familiar with the concept, and those of us who must have been in the kitchen getting a coffee refill at the time everyone else was discussing vaginal discharge because they couldn't recall that it ever came up anyway. I don't think any of us had the clarity to see that we were depriving a father of a parenting resource that we were lucky to have found ourselves--unlike the Netherlands, San Franciscans have to find their own parenting groups. Long story short, that dad got the shaft.

As time went by we eventually changed our position on the matter. One mama went back to work and her husband became the primary caregiver, and was welcomed at playgroup with open arms. Another stay-at-home-dad soon followed. But the point, and I do have one, is that we failed that first guy. A bunch of tree-hugging, protest-sign-waving, wishing-we-were-old-enough-to-have-voted-for-the-ERA San Francisco liberals, and what do we do the first chance we get? We tell a stay-at-home-father that he's not welcome to share our parenting experience. And as valuable and supportive as we all were to one another, for that we sucked.