Useless Gifts: The Spinmallow

Karen Murphy — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 12:50:00 GMT

I grew up with a fireplace. That burned real wood. And we actually had fires in it! During the long, cold, California winters (where "cold" is a relative term), every weekend Mom would pop Dobie Gray on the hi-fi and Dad would veg out to football on our black-and-white TV (we were the last family on Earth to get color) and stoke up the fire. And a couple times a year, we'd have marshmallows.

I got pretty good at toasting them, too: golden brown on the outside, not burnt, and gooey-creamy on the inside. Perfect. The trick was patience. Mom didn't have any. She'd dunk hers right into the flames, set it afire, blow it out, then pronounce that charred-but-raw horror delicious. (Yeah, and she claimed to like burnt toast, too. I just thought she was being the martyr, but maybe she needed more carbon in her system. Whatever.)

And of course the trick also involved rotation. To perfectly brown each side evenly. Like I said, it's an art.

But...a battery-powered faux-wood-grain marshmallow spinner? That is wrong on so many levels. How can you teach your kids the art of perfectly-toasted marshmallows, just right to slide off onto that meltable chocolate for s'mores, using this monstrosity? And how can they be sure that 92 rpm is the right speed, anyway? Looks too fast to me. Or! For increased ridiculousness, you can get the Super Spinmallow (which spins at 153 RPM and includes an attached flashlight). Oy.

But! Have a look at Jon Heder using the Spinmallow. He seems to have some difficulty with the motorized food-related products. I don't blame him a bit.

P.S. Oh, the inventor has a sense of humor; he's posted links to blogs talking about his product.

P.P.S. I'll bet there's a lot of guys wishing they could use the phrase "extends to 29"" about something a little closer to home.

Gifts To Get The Kid Who Doesn't Deserve Anything Good

Alisyn — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 23:41:00 GMT

Would you sooner stuff your daughter’s stocking with coal than with those slutty little Polly Pockets? Does your son need another battery operated truck like he needs massive head wound? If you’re like me, and the thought of going to Toy’s ‘R’ Us to buy whatever insipid drivel they’re marketing as hot stuff this year makes you want to burn the place down, then this list is for you. Behold, a round-up of toys likely to make kids of all ages joyfully exclaim ".... what the hell is this?" this holiday season!

The Bacon Wristband and The Bacon Air Freshener: Want to help your tween stand out from their Livestrong and Fight Breast Cancer bracelet wearing friends? The Bacon Wristband is inexpensive, unique, and looks like real bacon! As any twelve year old girl knows, you can never have enough jewelry. Or pork. While you’re at it, why not pick up the Bacon Air Freshener for your son’s room? If he’s starting to get that dirty-sock-sweaty-pit-boy-stank up in his room, he’ll enjoy receiving it as much as you enjoy giving it. Funky Fresh! Both bacon items make excellent stocking stuffers.

The Avenging Unicorn Action Play Set: Looking for a creative way to help your middle schooler deal with their frustration over not winning the school science fair, or being snubbed by those bitches on the cheerleading squad? The Avenging Unicorn Action Play Set helps kids vent their feelings of anger in a safe and mythical environment. Your son or daughter’s rage will be quelled by the unicorn’s four removable magic horns, as well as the mime, new age hippy and businessman (looks like Dad!) included for their impaling pleasure.

Unusual Action Figures: Does your kindergarten daughter already have Barbie, Ken and the rest of the family living in the Barbie Dream House? Then how about inviting Barbie’s great-aunt, The Lunch Lady Action Figure, over for Christmas dinner? She comes complete with a food scooper clutched in her hand, hairnet, and compartmentalized cafeteria tray. Nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like an ice cream-shaped scoop of mashed potatoes on a yellow plastic tray. Thanks, Lunch Lady!

Ken’s older brother, The Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure, is always an interesting addition to any family gathering. Don’t worry – he won’t forget his removable surgical mask, and he won’t shake your hand. But he comes with a sanitary moist towelette, just in case. Help your child understand the importance of including even the most boring and dreadful of family members in holiday celebrations by seating the Obsessive Compulsive guy ‘round the Dream House table this year.

Every family has an annoying drunkard in it, and Barbie's shouldn't be an exception. Invite this amazing Marie Antionette Action Figure over, give her a stiff cocktail, and watch her eject her own head from her body!

And if this off-beat family affair isn't quite awkward enough, Midge's second cousin, the Pregnant Talking Trailer Trash Doll is guaranteed to show up high on smack, hit on Obsessive Compulsive guy, enrage the conservative Lunch Lady, and send the evening spiraling into a dervish of repressed rage and familial embarassment. Sweet!

Harvest Your Own Pearl Kit: For your high school aged daughter who has champagne tastes, and no job, this is the perfect gift. Teach the youngster the meaning of hard work by giving her a canned oyster, which she can pry open to find her own perfect pearl! Comes complete with a necklace specially designed to hold the fruits of her labor. Priceless!

These gifts and much, much more available at - you guessed it - stupid.com.

Strollerderby : stupid gifts

Useless Gifts: The Spinmallow

Gifts To Get The Kid Who Doesn't Deserve Anything Good