Strollerderby : top ten

Suri Cruise: Most Powerful Child On The Planet

Brett Singer — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:10:00 GMT

This is such an odd piece of news.

Suri Cruise, daughter of Tom "Who Needs Doctors When You Can Take Vitamins" Cruise and Katie "Is She Being Held Prisoner" Holmes has been declared "most influential celebrity kid". Now what is the source of this important ranking? Us Magazine perhaps? The National Enquirer?

No. Forbes magazine. Malcolm must be spinning in his grave.

What method did they use? According to MyHollywood.com, "financial investigators studied Internet presence and press clippings for more than 50 A-list offspring aged five years younger over the course of the last year…used a market research company to gauge the awareness of the kids and consumer-appeal of their celebrity parents." Suri won, with appearances in "more than 2,000 articles over the course of the year."

Here's the top ten if you're curious:

1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis Woods
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen

By the way, I had to look up Sam Sheen (that's the offspring of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen). So I feel slightly better about myself.

I have a thought. Why would a celebrity parent want their child to get this much exposure? Is it at all possible to keep kids out of the papers when you're this famous? In the case of a Suri Cruise or any of the Jolie-Pitts, wouldn't it be safer to lay low a little bit? Or does it matter in the age of social networking, photo sharing, and MyFaceSpaceBook?

Plus, this idea of "influential" seems questionable. Would you buy something because Suri Cruise endorsed it?

She is a cute little girl though. Maybe she could do Gap ads or something.

Last thought: How would you handle this sort of thing if you were mega-famous? I'm not sure what I would do, although it's not likely to be a problem in my life. My movie career began and ended when I auditioned for "Adventures in Babysitting" in the 80's.

Source/Images: MyHollywood, Famecrawler

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Ten Songs You Never Want to Hear A Little Kid Singing

JeanneSager — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:29:00 GMT

They're usually tuneless and missing half the words, but most kids haven't learned to limit the singing to the shower and the car. They'll sing anywhere, chances are they'll sing anything, and you'll never turn as red as the time your three-year-old asks in sing-song, "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?"

So to save you from finding out how maroon those cheeks will go, we offer up the top 10 songs your kids shouldn't be singing:

"Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls: If his girlfriend looked like that, he'd get arrested.
"I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry: The taste of her cherry ChapStick's just plain yucky. Tell 'em to stick to Bonne Bell. (Check out Urlesque's collection of pubescent YouTubers taking on some girl love).
"Fat Bottom Girls" by Queen: Sure they make the rockin' world go 'round, but Mommy's got one of those bottoms and she's no naughty nanny. At least not while the kids are still awake.
"I Want Candy" by Strangelove (originally), Bow Wow Wow, Aaron Carter, etc.: Trust me, they'll get a toothache if they try to rip open this package.
"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mixalot: Oh my Gawd, Becky, your kid's got booty on the brain. Just hope he doesn't get sprung.
"Milkshake" by Kelis: The sweet treat goes sour fast when a kindergartner's calling all the boys to her yard and telling them she'll have to charge. News flash: they'll learn soon enough that there's no need to buy the cow when that milk flows for free.
"Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" by Meatloaf: The wedding DJ hits a button, and suddenly the ringbearer's running to the dance floor to sing the baseball song. We're betting he won't see this home plate for a good ten years.
"I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones: The catchiest song . . . EVER . . . hurry, hurry, hurry, clamp a hand over their mouths, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. . . sometimes we wanna put our kids on drugs . . . ba-ba-bamp-ba-ba . . .
"You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC: She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, but she's got nothing on Matchbox. Start explaining that and their minds will be aching, so let's just agree to keep this one under wraps. Shake on it?
"U + Ur Hand" by Pink: The ultimate F-off song (or should we say jack off?) isn't the ultimate in kid entertainment . . . yet. Those hands will get hairy soon enough.

Image: Improventures

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Top Ten Awareness Month Candidates--Save July!

Kelly Mills — Sat, 31 May 2008 14:31:00 GMT

I wanted to raise awareness about a very important issue. While looking into the fact that June is Potty Training Awareness month, I discovered something tragic. While we are just finishing National Teen Self-Esteem month and Hepatitis Awareness month in May, and are looking forward to International Men's month, National Safety month, and Children's Awareness month (aware that they exist?) in June, it's going to be a slow slog after that. Because July, as it turns out, is hardly gonna make anyone aware of anything at all! While most of the other months, weeks, and days of the year are so jam packed with awareness that you can hardly tell which end is up, July only has, like, Family Reunion month and Herbal and Prescription Awareness month going for it. (Hmm, are those two only coincidentally linked?)

So I think it's time we call attention to this by nominating some things for July to cover. Here's the top ten candidates for an Awareness month.

1. National My Boobs Belong to the Baby Now month

2. Don't Make Me Come Up There and Get You Awareness month

3. Legalize Heroin month

4. National I'm Sorry My Kid Taught Your Kid a Bad Word month

5. Next Time Flag That "NSFW" Awareness month

6. When I Try and Spoon You Roll Away Awareness month

7. Zombies Were People Too, Once month

8. National Sore In My Mouth From Biting My Lip That Swelled Up So I Keep Biting It and It Won't Heal month

9. Go Easy On the Prunes, Tiger Awareness month

and of course,

10. Awareness Month Awareness month.