Teaching Kids the Right and Wrong Way to Cry

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:30:00 GMT

Like many people my age, I grew up listening to Rosey Grier tell me it was all right to cry. “Crying gets the sad out of you. It’s all right to cry. It might make you feel better,” the football star crooned into my mother’s living room countless times.

Well, as much as I still love Free to Be...You and Me, new research suggests that crying might not actually make you feel better. Common wisdom has long held that “having a good cry” provides a soothing sense of release. But now psychologists are arguing that this belief is, in part, a self-fulfilling prophecy: because people believe crying is good for them, they tend to report positive effects from emotional breakdowns. In fact, as a review paper in Current Directions in Psychological Science argues, crying may be detrimental for some people, leading to more confusion and sadness. Turns out, there’s a "right" way and a "wrong" to cry.

Not surprisingly, the ability to cry in the right or wrong way as an adult has much to do with—you guessed it—how you were raised. (This would be a good time to remind yourself of Jon Stewart’s parenting words of wisdom: “it’s a chance to ruin somebody from scratch.”)

Some therapists believe that children whose parents react attentively and lovingly to their crying find tearful episodes more cathartic later in life. Kids whose tears are scolded or ignored are less likely to find crying soothing as adults; instead of seeking comfort or outside assistance in regulating emotions, they tend to cry as a protest to others. Since “Fix it!” is an impossible request when it comes to grief, this kind of crying only leaves people feeling more bereft.

So, Rosey Grier, looks like you were on to something after all….

Photo: current.com

Jon Stewart on Dashing His Children's Hopes

Explaining Financial Troubles to the Kids

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 14:57:00 GMT

With disappearing 401(k) savings, exorbitant gas prices, and piling up medical bills, many families are being forced to make serious changes in their spending patterns. This can be a shock for teens and preteens who grew up in the 90s, during affluent times in which the prevailing wisdom in the U.S. extolled making your kids happy. Average teen allowances nationwide are upwards of $100 a month, and many high schoolers have credit cards.

But last week, a survey found that teen spending had dropped by 27 percent. Considering that much of this spending money comes from allowances or gifts, we can be pretty sure the kids are not being thrifty out of choice.

As parents struggle to explain the crisis to teens freaked out by dire newspaper headlines and cutbacks in family expenditures, parents may see their kids as spoiled or bratty, while teens may see their parents as unreasonable or over-anxious. One mother interviewed by the New York Times started showing her confused and upset teenagers the monthly bills. Another father threatened to charge his kids’ friends rent for sleeping over.

Some families have found the crisis to be a good opportunity to become close with their children in new ways. Asking your kids to brainstorm about ways to cut back on family spending makes them feel valued and useful, and helps prepare them to find their own way in less than optimum economic times. Some parents have stopped hiring lawn cutters and housecleaners, choosing instead to pay their kids (far less) for the same services.

How have other parents changed your families’ spending patterns? Have you talked to your kids about the changes?

Photo: New York Times

Strollerderby : upset

Teaching Kids the Right and Wrong Way to Cry

Explaining Financial Troubles to the Kids