Strollerderby : values

Parenting in Gendered World

Miriam Axel-Lute — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 20:00:00 GMT

There's a great thread over at Womanist Musings about the ongoing challenge of teaching our kids to be openminded about gender, especially when they are in school and experiencing both a bombardment of "this is what girls do; this is what boys do" and also watching peers tease/label/ostracize non-gender-conforming kids.

It's all so familiar to me: the tiring repetition, the feeling that others think you are going too far, and the related backlash: It's going too far to tell my kids that a hurtful term is not acceptable?! Or to fight like hell to keep them from constraining their own options in order to gender conform? Argh.

We've started using the "[That adult] just made a mistake [in assuming all girls like princesses/that you were a boy because you weren't wearing any pink/etc.]" line in our household that several commenters talk about. And we're still in the primarily spoon-feeding perspectives stage, where one of us is on hand to provide nearly instant feedback on all questionable statements. So it doesn't get any easier from here, I assume.

I'm sure it's the same any time you're trying to teach your child values that are not commonly held by the culture at large, whether it's gender fluiditiy, religious tolerance, or non-violence. You don't want to let things you find patently offensive and dangerous go by without response, and yet you have to walk the line of not seeming so obsessive you spark a rebellion or even just shut down conversation. I really appreciated hearing from so many parents in that thread who spoke of not freaking out over their daughters' girly phases, merely sticking to the "there's no such thing as girl/boy toys" mantra, and reporting that it "worked" (as in the message stuck with respect to others, not any particular outcome for their kids' interests). There's hope yet . . .

Photo by llamafloor.

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What Do You Do When Your Kid is an Extreme Partisan?

Kelly Mills — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:25:00 GMT

This has been the most emotionally charged election I can remember since, well, ever, and it makes sense that the kids would pick up on that. But Slate's Emily Bazelon asks, what do you do when your children's political allegiances are extreme? She covers a Halloween experiment in which kids chose candy from either side of a porch: The Obama side--marked with a large sign and life-size cutout--and the McCain side, with corresponding signage and cutout. The blue neighborhood kids gave Obama 78 percent of the vote.

But when offered two pieces of candy at the Obama side versus four at the McCain side, support for Obama only dropped by ten percent. The kids were pretty fixed in their political ways, even though their vote obviously didn't "count" (hmm, like the electoral college.) And Bazelon notes that her sweet kids threw around the word "traitor" to candy defectors. And, she observes, with kids who are reared on lots of lessons in tolerance, it may be that McCain is one of the few people they can clearly think of as a bad guy.

It makes me just slightly uncomfortable to see children actively campaigning, if only because you know that until a certain age, the opinions they express are not likely their own. Then again, isn't it our job to pass on our values, political or otherwise? And I've seen this "death and destruction to candidate so-and-so" in my area too, from young children who just seem to want to be able to freely bash a clear villain. What about your kids? Does it bother you?

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No presents for this kid - just donations

Brett Singer — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:00:00 GMT

More nice news – an 11-year-old in Greensboro, North Carolina told her friends not to bring presents to her birthday party. Instead, she asked them to bring canned goods that she will donate to a local food pantry.

This isn't the first time Audrey Mangum decided to forgo gifts in favor of more charitable pursuits. This has been going on for four years. Previous birthdays included items such as teddy bears and toys to be donated to less fortunate families.

Some kids, of course, brought presents, and Audrey was happy about that, proving that she's nice, but not nuts. "That is pretty cool," said Mangum. "They didn't even have to do that."

Cool kid! I have a friend whose daughter did something similar one year, and everyone was pretty charmed by the gesture. Frankly, I think it would be nice if more kids did this sort of thing, but I think the idea needs to come from the child. That is, if you say, "Hey, Toy Boy. How about this year you don't get presents and your friends just bring cans for the food pantry?" you may not get a great reaction. Then again, maybe not every kid is going to think of this on their own, or they might be embarrassed to bring it up for fear of being teased (not to mention not getting any cool gifts.) Has anyone ever done this with their children?

Image/Source: digtriad.com

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Should You "Party Train" Your Kids?

Kelly Mills — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 15:33:00 GMT

Two toddlers meet in the sandbox. One is wearing a "Bush is my man" t-shirt, while the other has on a "Mommy and me love Hilary" onesie. I think it's unlikely this will degenerate into a discussion about how we don't bite kids with different political beliefs than our own, because these kids are probably less aware they are advertising for political candidates. And it's an intertesting issue raised in this CNN article: Is there anything wrong with "party training" your kids? One therapist says, "It seems cute and benign. However, the more I think about it, the more it fails to pass my cringe test. It seems that we're bombarded enough by constant advertising, so why should children become the canvas for any ad?... Do we really want to see kids in this role?"

Parents defend the onesies and political slogan tees by saying they are passing on their values to their kids. But I'll be honest, even beyond political outfits at a certain level it makes me uncomfortable too. Something about children parroting political beliefs they don't even understand feels like mindless indoctrination to me. If you feel okay with this, imagine a young child espousing the opinions of the side you disagree with.

However, I'd hate to raise a child with no awareness of the issues of the day just because I was anxious about making her a propaganda billboard. In our house we do talk about issues we consider social justice--like gay marriage or racial discrimination--and we most certainly explain our beliefs on this to our child, that feels like passing on basic values to me. We try and avoid being dogmatic about political candidates, and most of the time we fail miserably.

Am I the only one who has even thinks this is an issue, and how do you draw lines?

Rich Parent too Poor to Buy Carseats for Kids?

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 16:13:00 GMT

Faggots on the Third Floor possesses a deadly combination of clever blog name, gorgeous children, and vicious wit, applied with alacrity to a boss who is apparently incredibly wealthy, but not willing to buy carseats for his own children. After a laundry list of expenses that include both spiritual analysis and counseling and massages, FotTF fails to understand how carseats for children ages 2 and 4 are "too expensive."

Since I live in a total bubble, I'm always shocked by stories like these. In nonprofit work like mine (which deals with abused children) one becomes somewhat inured over time to the constant stream of hard luck stories -- full of poverty, privation, drug abuse, and domestic violence. Where I work, it is assumed that education and resources are usually the primary barriers between good parents and struggling parents, but what of this?

What of a case like this where a person has information (the boss reports knowing he "should" purchase car seats) but chooses to act against knowledge, resources, and basic assumptions (parents take good care of their children if they are able)? In my line of work, you're left to assume that these parents, no matter how wealthy, exist in a world where they obviously feel that they cannot take care of their children's basic needs. Either that, or they're just total uncaring assholes.