Strollerderby : working mothers

Writing is Working - I Promise

JeanneSager — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:32:00 GMT

At a time when newspapers across the country are going out of business or laying off writers, I took a long hard look at Mama Bee's rant against the writing moms who dare consider themselves experts on working motherhood . . . and screamed.

At its heart, I think I understand what she was trying to say - that there is no cookie cutter solution for the trials and travails of the working parent. If you think a "10 Easy Tips to Wrangle Your Kids" list is going to solve your struggles, more power to you.

But in accusing mothers who write for a living of being "profoundly disconnected from its real trials and tribulations," she betrays her own lack of understanding of the life of a journalist.

We work, generally far above the forty-hour work week - and not all of us from home. In fact, a fair number of journalists work out of an office, rather than as freelancers. I consider myself lucky that I spend a few days working from home, but it's somewhat of a misnomer - working from home often means packing my daughter in her carseat and heading off with her to do an interview in the middle of a barn with a farmer concerned about milk prices, keeping one eye fixed on her at all times to make sure she doesn't end up UNDER a cow. It means leaving my daughter with my husband at 6 p.m. to head to a five-hour-long town board meeting where I'll listen to politicians sniping at each other about a whole lot of nothing instead of enjoying books before bedtime.

I know what it's like to juggle the sitter's schedule with my own, to go rushing around to find someone to watch my daughter on a random Monday when my daycare provider has a doctor's appointment. I know what it's like to call my boss and say, I'm sorry, I can't go report on that fire right now because I don't have daycare, and to hear him sigh and know that I just lost favor that the non-parent reporters automatically curry.

I also know what it's like to try to work from home, to sit at a computer and try to write a story about parenting while my daughter screams from the bathroom or shoves a cup of juice in my face and asks for more. I know what it's like to be thisclose to missing a deadline and have to go clean up a water spill across the kitchen floor. I chose this, I know, but that doesn't make it any easier. And for those who would say, well, hire a sitter on those days, I counter - where will I get the money?

Because as a writer mom, I also know what it's like to struggle to make ends meet. Newspapers are closing. The paper where I work has cut staff, and that's meant more pressure on the rest of us to produce, produce, produce. But where do I find the time? Where do I find the supplemental income when one of the magazines I write for shuts down, when the new editor decides she doesn't like my style as much as the old editor?

No, I don't know what it's like to be a factory laborer, Mama Bee. I don't know what it's like to have regular hours, when I can punch in, punch out. News doesn't happen nine to five - and daycares don't take kindly to you showing up at 7 because a late breaking story kept you in the newsroom. I don't know what it's like to be a corporate drone either, Mama Bee, to know exactly how much my paycheck will be week in and week out, to know I can make the mortgage and the phone bill.

But I do know how to write their stories. And that's how they end up in the newspaper, on the Web, in magazines. Because the lady working at H&R Block might be a whizz-bang at my taxes (while I can't make heads or tails of a W-2), but she can't write a news story.

So I write, Mama Bee, because that's my job. Which makes me a working mother.

Image: Medway

More Ammunition for the Mommy Wars

KeriF — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 12:37:00 GMT

Working mothers have it so great... They get to spend all day on their own, talking to other adults, eating their lunch without a child hanging off of one leg, being able to use words longer than two syllables. Sure, they might miss the occasional school play, but at least they don't have to smell like baby poop all day.

Stay-at-home mothers have it so great... They get to spend all day with their precious children, witnessing every milestone as it happens rather than as reported by a nanny or day care provider. They can spend the day in the park, enjoying the beautiful day as their children scamper on the playground equipment. They can wear sweats and t-shirts all day... heck, they can wear pajamas all day!

Which side of the war are you on?

Of course it isn't that simple. Most working mothers and many stay-at-home mothers do so because they have to, not because they choose to. But what if you could choose? Which would you do?

Thanks to the economic downturn, many women are now finding out how the other half lives. The Associated Press reported recently on a new trend: laid-off women becoming stay-at-home moms, at least temporarily. According to the article, more than 800,000 women have lost their jobs since the end of 2007.

Sasha Emmons was laid off in January but found a job only a month later. While she admits she enjoyed spending more time with her daughter, she was happy to go back to work. "I just felt kind of lost without a job," she said. "Everyone talks about the mommy wars, and you always have that question as a mother: Is the grass greener on the other side? For me, the question was answered."

Other mothers report loving the role reversal. "It's been one of my greatest joys," said Shelley Ziech, who's been laid off for a year. "Now I get to do the Mom things--making the lunches, taking my daughter to school. It's been fabulous." But would it be so fabulous if she did it every day for five years? Or ten?

Who do you think has it easier, the stay-at-home or working mother? Would you switch roles if you could?

Photo: Erlc.com

I'm Not a Brat, I'm Autistic

Report Finds Individualistic Culture Harms Kids—Because It Leads to Working Moms

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:00:00 GMT

A three-year study by a British charity called the Children’s Group has uncovered some unsurprising problems with individualistic culture. The report, called A Good Childhood, found that children are suffering from “a belief among adults that the prime duty of the individual is to make the most of their [sic] own life, rather than contribute to the good of others."

Thanks to a me-first culture, the study contends, people are more accepting of excessive materialism and widespread economic inequality that leaves millions of children in poverty; are unfazed by harmful advertising aimed at children; and see school as a place to compete rather than make friends and have fun.

This all makes sense to me. What boggles my mind is the solution proposed by the study’s authors: keep women in the home. According to the report, “excessive individualism” has lead women to get all uppity, believing they should take on paid jobs other than child-rearing and housecleaning. This is bad for children because clearly all working moms neglect their kids. Plus, women now have the freedom to break up families with their selfish desire to end unhappy marriages.

The study’s authors write: “Women's new economic independence…has made women much less dependent on their male partners, as has the advent of the welfare state.” Hold on a second here. I thought this report signaled the need to have compassion for others, which would mean supporting welfare for needy families and other government programs that help the less fortunate succeed.

Then, of course, there’s the little problem with the assumption (which I thought died circa 1950) that women should be dependent on men for all their basic needs. This way, even if men are physically abusive or alcoholic or can’t hold down a job, women would not be able to divorce them since they would have no means of caring for themselves. This would be good for kids, because divorce is an evil that must be smote out.

Oh, did I mention that the study’s authors have ties to the Church of England?

Image: phawker.com

NY's New Senator Is Moving On Up, With Baby In Tow

Kate Tuttle — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:30:00 GMT

When New York Governor David Patterson named upstate congresswoman Kirsten Gillibrand to replace Hillary Rodham Clinton as the state's junior senator, he introduced a political figure who will seem, in some respects, oddly familiar: a woman of limited political experience, who won a hard-fought election and is now quite popular among her constituents, who is just 42 years old and married with children, including an infant. Just like 42-year-old mother/politician Sarah Palin was when we first met her back in September, Gillibrand is considered an "up and comer" within the party, in part because of policy stances that at times put her at odds with that party's majority (in Gillibrand's case, she's a Dem the NRA loves, which introduces another parallel to gun-totin' Sarah).

So it'll be interesting to see whether any Republican commentators, who were so taken with Palin's plan to storm Washington with several kids in tow (including the supposedly still breastfeeding Tripp), will similarly cheer Gillibrand as a role model for working mothers. Whether they cheer her or jeer her, she'll still be facing the same challenges any woman does who balances an extraordinarily stressful career with parenting small children -- in her case, a five-year-old, Theodore, and a six-month-old, Henry. (At the very least we know her children will not spark the intense interest of those fascinated by wacky baby names!)

It's likely they won't have any comment at all, given the overshadowing nature of her appointment's backstory. The New York Times today published an editorial nicknaming Patterson the "oaf of office" for his bungling of the senate choice, and the papers will likely spill a lot of ink over the next few weeks trying to figure out what led the leading candidate, Caroline Kennedy, to abruptly drop out of contention Wednesday night. Whatever they report, and whatever you think of Gillibrand's blue dog Democrat politics, any working mother knows it can feel like a mixed blessing to get a major promotion when one of your kids is just tackling kindergarten and the other is perhaps just beginning to sleep through the night. She's got a lot on her plate and we wish her well.

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French Politician at Work 5 Days After C-Section

Miriam Axel-Lute — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:31:00 GMT

Rachida Dati, French justice minister, attended a cabinet meeting last week five days after giving birth by c-section. It might not be giving a speech while leaking amniotic fluid, but the move sparked a lot of outrage across France, with a majority of the public saying it was "too soon" and she should have used more of the four months (six weeks before, ten after. swoon.) she had coming to her.

In fact, another minister has proposed a measure in response to explicitly state that expected practice is that a deputy will step in for a politician on maternity leave to increase the number of people in those kind of jobs who actually take their leave.

I'm of mixed minds on the whole reaction. Of course I would dearly love to be in a country where we are arguing over whether someone should take maternity leave that we assume is available to us, especially after the heart-wrenching stories people put in the comments to my last post on maternity leave. And the additional proposal sounds dandy.

But then we get to the whole mommy police thing. Sure, I personally cringe at the thought of anyone popping off to a meeting five days after either giving birth or having major abdominal surgery, let alone both. But is it the end of the world? Is one woman making that choice really going to constitute dangerous pressure on other women to do the same, as French women's groups are suggesting? I guess I can see it might make some employers feel more free to push for short use of leave, but I'm still inclined toward the "Lay off!" side of this one. It's just not going to work the same for everyone.

And, of course, it needs to be said that fathers don't get the same kind of treatment.

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They Say: Planning to Work Until the First Contraction? Plan for Surgery.

Miriam Axel-Lute — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Women who worked up until their due date had four times the rate of c-sections as women who started their maternity leave at 35 weeks, a new study from UC Berkeley has found.

Now, I'm not sure how you can control for self-selection in that kind of study. I imagine that women starting their maternity leave early are both more likely to be placing a priority on their birth experience and better off financially, each of which could affect their outcomes. (I'm assuming they excluded people with scheduled c-sections from the study.)

On the other hand, the results were is four times as likely, not a titchy 10 to 15 percent or something. That, as Dr. Seuss might say, is a whopping number, and it makes me inclined to think there really is something going on here.

It's not really hard to imagine what either: On the one hand, there's the stress of trying to do your job with an open-ended question of whether you might have to leave at a moment's notice, trying to have things ready and yet still work, with bosses and people who are going to step into your shoes watching you anxiously. And other hand, there's the stress of trying to decide when/if you have to leave when contractions start, whether you're up for driving yourself home, when to call the family, and then changing gears in an instant from worker to woman-in-labor. Hardly optimal conditions.

I was lucky: Since I was leaving my job instead of taking maternity leave, it was easier for me to choose to set my last day at 35 weeks. And I have to say, since my daughter came early (37 weeks and 2 days), I'm extremely glad I did. Even though you never exactly feel prepared, having tied up loose ends, cleared out my desk and said my goodbyes and then taking those two weeks free of deadline pressure and office details to sleep/nest/prepare felt wonderful. It may be the closest thing to taking a complete vacation without traveling I've ever done. Can I prove that that helped with my fairly uncomplicated birth? Of course not, but I wouldn't be surprised.

I know how much of a luxury that sounds like to so many people. I sure as hell couldn't blithely skip five (or even two) weeks of work now. In general, it's hard enough to get maternity or paternity leave at all, and the UC Berkeley researchers, while advocating strongly that maternity leave start earlier, note that people who choose to work up to their due date (or up to their labor as the case often is) are usually doing so because they can't afford maternity leave after the birth otherwise, and clearly that trumps.

I guess for now we can add the health advantages they've identified to the list of casualties of our work-over-family culture.

Image from Take Back Your Time.

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Do You Have an Easy Bake Oven in Your Vagina?

Miriam Axel-Lute — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:00:00 GMT

Though the post is fairly long and rambly, I couldn't resist sharing this call-to-arms by Renee at Womanist Musings about lingering gender assumptions, especially by schools:

"The education system seems to think that this is still 1950 and that mothers are at home with tons of time on their hands to participate in bake sales. This request is never gender neutral, even though Daddy has two perfectly good hands himself. Why is this still the norm when most women work a double day? Even if a woman is a stay at home mother how does a vagina translate into the ability to bake? Do I have an easy bake oven stashed somewhere in my vaginal opening that I was not aware of?"

She has a larger point about the very narrow defintions of acceptable motherhood, but the comments are filled mostly with horrific stories about teachers telling single and/or working-outside-the-house and/or non-crafty moms that a purchased stocking/Valentines cards are not good enough, or that a married working mom couldn't interrupt play group for a work call while a single one (or a married dad) could, because for her a job was choice. Would like a little judgment with your assumptions? Or the other way around? Yeesh.

It's all a bit disheartening. And she's writing from Canada, too. Aren't they supposed to be more evolved than we are? (I'm kidding. Don't answer that.)

Photo by Tracy Hunter.

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Working Parents Smackdown: SAHM vs SAHD

Working Parents Smackdown Part 2 – Dads With Jobs vs Moms With Jobs

Brett Singer — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Part 2 of Working Parents Smackdown (read Part 1 here). This time we focus on the workplace:

When men work late, they're just doing their jobs. Women are neglecting their children.

Women are often made to feel guilty about working late, sometimes by their spouses. Men probably are too but it seems like its easier to avoid.

Women who work risk "emasculating" their husbands. "Femininasculating" isn't even a word.

The "Mommy Wars" are definitely a thing. There are no "daddy wars."

If a woman works "outside the home" and has children, people ask "how does she do it?" If a man works, no one ever says "outside the home", and nobody wonders how they do whatever "it" is.

No matter what, mom is the first point of contact for any school issues. That's not to say I have a problem with that but that's what I see happen. This includes general PTA-type matters, actual issues such as coming to pick the kid up due to illness, and of course Mom's Night Out. (Note: I am NOT angling for an invite to Mom's Night Out. I vastly prefer Dad's Night In, especially when there is a football game on.)

These aren't necessarily sexism or something-ism. It's more of an assumption of gender roles. Which is technically sexism. But it doesn't feel quite as insidious as, say, discrimination in the workplace. Of course, these assumptions can easily translate into more dangerous actions in a job setting, such as when a woman is passed over for a promotion because her boss assumes that she will eventually leave her job to have children. So maybe it is the same. I don't know.

I do know that the last time my friends teased me for being a stay at home dad (who, for the record, works) I was able to silence them by saying, "Have fun at the office on Monday, guys." Haven't heard any teasing since then.

Last word: I find it infuriating when anyone gives a woman a hard time for being a primary caregiver. (Although I use the term frequently, "staying home with the kids" is kind of a silly term once the rugrats are old enough to go to school or even daycare.)

Last word number two: Feelings of emasculation are in the brain of the man. That doesn't mean that the feelings are invalid, nor does it mean that there aren't women who can be cruel and try to make their menfolk feel small. But often the issue is in the guy's head. (It was with me; that's a topic for another time.)

Last word number three: I hereby vow to look up the meaning of the word "last".

Image: edmbookstore.com

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Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Brett Singer — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Definitions:
SAHD = Stay at home dad
SAHM = Stay at home mom

I've been thinking about some of the differences between these two types of parents. (See also Part 2, Dads With Jobs vs Moms With Jobs.)

Now:

At a party, SAHDs are asked, "What do you do?" SAHMs are not.

If a woman chooses to be a SAHM, she is:
- a lazy throwback
- not fulfilling her potential

If a man chooses to be a SAHD, he is:
- making a sacrifice
- taking a break from work

Men who stay home are doing something great for their wife and children. Women are just, you know, doing what they're supposed to do.

SAHMs are "homemakers." SAHDs are "musicians."

Men who stay home with their kids are special and unique. Women are ordinary and perhaps even bad for their gender.

To sum up: women, whatever you do, you are wrong. If you work, you suck. If you stay home, you suck. Guys: whatever you do, you're OK! Rock on! Write that novel! Play that funky music, SAHD!

I'm exaggerating somewhat, but I'll put it out to the crowd. Am I exaggerating? If so, how much?

Image: theonlymanofthehouse.com

Matt Lauer Talks To Sarah Palin In The Kitchen

Teacher Has Affair With Student, Parents Say Keep The Door Open

Grown Kids Try Forcing Dad To Divorce Second Wife In Court

They Say – Most Toys Are Toxic

Do You Have an Easy Bake Oven in Your Vagina? (by Miriam - one of the greatest blog post titles ever)

Balancing Work and Parenting—When You’re a Campaign Reporter

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 22:05:00 GMT

Anyone who has ever felt guilty about missing a child's bedtime because of work will benefit from Jodi Kantor’s reminiscences on covering the presidential campaign during the first two years of her daughter’s life.

Kantor’s honesty about her own guilt—and sometimes lack thereof—over her demanding work life offers a refreshing look at the myriad ways one can be a good mother. Kantor openly admits that, despite missing her daughter horribly, she loved campaign trips, when she could fully focus on her work—and on being an adult, doing such novel things as going for drinks with her colleagues.

Most importantly, Kantor writes, “[T]here is no maternally correct way to say this, but the things I saw on the road—Obama’s world, the Edwards family trying to hold it together, the Huckabee surge, Iowa, African American voters in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton’s last stand, Denver—were worth the hours away from my daughter.”

I would add that that time apart was probably justified for the daughter as well. Growing up with a parent who has such rich work experiences to share surely opens children up to the world in important ways. And the fact that Kantor is also a devoted, loving mother who is home most of the time can't hurt, either.

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No Country for New Mothers: A war reporter's first post-baby trip to Iraq.

Photo: HBD Marketing

Should Moms Be Paid to Stay Home with their Kids?

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:45:00 GMT

Australia’s senior child policy official is convinced the answer is yes. Gillian Calvert is encouraging the Rudd government to pay women to stay home for the first two years of their baby’s life.

Calvert argues that babies’ brain development can be impaired if their mothers work early in their lives, disrupting the normal connections between mother and baby. For instance, Calvert argues, “Because a baby finds the stimulus of its mother’s voice pleasurable, it turns towards the sound; if the experience is aversive, the baby will avoid the experience.”

Sounds to me like that’s an argument against leaving your children with abusive caretakers. I would hope that babies enjoys more voices than just their mother’s—say, oh I don’t know, maybe their dad’s? Or grandparents'? It’s even possible that the voice of a loving babysitter does not make babies turn away in disgust.

Still, I can think of quite a few mothers who would love to get paid to stay home with their children. But I can think of quite a few fathers who would like the exact same thing.

Photo: Mercola

Motherhood? I've Got Other Things to Do

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Times they are a’ changin’—at least when it comes to the fertility of American women aged 15 to 55. U.S. Census Bureau numbers reveal that record numbers of women are choosing not to have kids, and many women who do give birth are making non-traditional decisions about motherhood.

In 2006, 20 percent of women between the ages of 40 and 44 had no children, compared with 10 percent in the 1970s. And modern mothers in their early 40s have an average of 1.9 children, compared with 3.1 in 1976. Consistent throughout the years has been the fact that women whose education ended after high school are more likely to have kids than women with advanced degrees.

Of women who do have children, stay-at-home moms are in the minority. 60 percent of mothers work outside of the home, and 36 percent of women with children are single, while 5 percent have a live-in partner. (Keep in mind that no Census data recognizes same-sex marriage.)

"It used to be sort of expected that there was a phase of life where you had children, and a lot of women aren't doing that now," Jane Lawler Dye, the study’s researcher said of the findings. I would argue that there is certainly still strong social pressure to have children. Perhaps women who opt out of motherhood are no longer considered freaks of nature, but my childless friends in their early 30s can hardly go to the grocery store without getting grilled on when they're planning to have kids.

Photo: Working Mothers Forum

Whites Becoming Minority in U.S.

Women Not Having It All, Having It All, Had Enough

Kelly Mills — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Meg Wolitzer has a new novel called "The Ten-Year Nap". It's about moms, mostly moms who left the workforce to stay at home with kids. It sounds good, and she says, "In fiction, stay-at-home moms have often been [subject to] mockery, and I think it's very sexist: the stay-at-home mother whose children are oversubscribed, who has reduced her entire brain to trivial things." We can totally use some better depictions of SAHMs. But I have to speak to the fact that once again, we are gonna get a small wave of "Can women have it all?" headlines and I'm over it.

'Kay, look, I'm going to answer the question of whether women can have it all: It depends. I mean, we aren't having a giant collective female experience here, are we? So some moms have to go back to the workforce whether they want to or not, while others can't wait to get back, and still more choose to be home with the kids full time. I know some SAHMs who partly made their decision based on the fact their jobs were low-paying and tiring (like teaching) and they preferred being at home, not just because they wanna be with the kids. I know moms who found being at home with the kids was so not for them. And I know moms who like their jobs and made choices based on the fact that their careers don't allow for much of a break.

I know moms who went back to their careers after the kids went to school, who work from home, who have part-time jobs, who work two jobs, who care for several kids, who are single, and who are the breadwinner with a partner staying at home. You know, not everyone has a really fulfilling career, mom or not. Not everyone finds parenting fulfilling. And things change over time for people. Whether or not you can "have it all" probably depends on what you want, and where you are, and I bet the answer to that question is different for everyone.

Look, I'm irritated because the "have it all" stick is used to beat women for selfishly wanting things or passively not wanting things. It implies that women want too much; and yet asserting that women can have it all ignores that many women are going to have to make a few trade-offs along the way. Rather than get into that, could we get equal pay and better childcare and a little respect for our individual choices? Thanks ever so much.

Obama’s Mama: Working Mother Extraordinaire

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 17:36:00 GMT

Turns out there’s another reason why Barack Obama’s run for the presidency is unique: he is the first presidential candidate whose now deceased mother is interesting enough to warrant a Time cover story. Regardless of politics (though it's probably pretty clear where my loyalties lie), the article is a moving examination of the varied ways women in the last century have filled the roles of wife and mother, even as they strive to make meaningful contributions to the world at large.

S. Ann Soetero, née Stanley Ann Durham (her father wanted a boy) was a teen mother who divorced twice; a scholar with a Phd. in anthropology; a devoted, hands-on single mother of two; and a well-seasoned traveler who was a champion for Indonesia’s poor, both through her pioneering work on the microfinance program there and her almost excessive generosity to beggars. Although—or perhaps because—Ann made unorthodox decisions about religion, relationships, and career, she worked hard to instill the values of spirituality, marriage, and civic duty in her son. For instance, Obama writes that his mother had a “healthy skepticism of religion as an institution,” but she was one the “most spiritual souls” he ever knew.

In part as a reaction against his mother’s wanderlust, Obama has been committed to grounding his traditional family unit in one place. But Ann’s vast understanding of varied peoples and cultures also positively influenced Obama, as evidenced by his ability to rally the support of people from all walks of life. (He has had more individual donors to his campaign that any other presidential candidate in history.) And Obama stated that his mother was his imagined critic for his famed race speech. He knew that her stamp of approval would mean he had successfully channeled her gentle, non-reactionary way of fighting racism and sexism. Ann once joked that while she would fight to get paid as much as a man, she wasn’t going to stop shaving her legs.

Image: time.com

Gywneth Paltrow's Tips on Kicking the Baby Blues

Hannah Tennant-Moore — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

In the past 24 hours, the blogosphere has been flooded with reports that actress Gywneth Paltrow suffered postnatal depression. In an interview in the May issue of Vogue, Paltrow was uncharacteristically revealing about several aspects of her life, including her social life and body image. But the “revelation” about feeling depressed after the birth of her second child is the one that seems to have sparked the interest of the masses. This hubbub makes me glad that Paltrow was so open about her struggles as a new parent, since the emotions she describes—“I felt really disconnected. I felt really down; I felt pessimistic”—are hardly rare among new mothers. Between 50 and 70 percent of women suffer from “baby blues,” fits of sadness or irritability during their child’s infancy, and up to 25 percent of women suffer from postnatal depression, a more severe, longer lasting sense of gloom. To a lesser degree, postnatal depression also affects new fathers.

What is most interesting about Paltrow’s admission is that she is not affected by most of the risk factors associated with postnatal depression—poverty, young motherhood, an unhappy marriage. (Paltrow’s mother and friends have stated that rumors of rockiness between Paltrow and husband Chris Martin, Coldplay’s frontman, are completely false.) Rather, she believes she got depressed because she was simply working too hard at being a mom and not taking enough time for herself, giving up lead roles in movies and indulgences like acupuncture. She feels she got over the depression in part by taking on a starring role in Iron Man—and then, once the filming was done, spending the summer at home with her family.

Granted, this is not exactly a standard depression buster, but striking the right balance between work and social time with hands-on parenting time is an inescapable issue for every parent. For those of you who can’t afford a nanny and personal trainer (both of which also proved helpful in getting Paltrow back on track emotionally), how do you manage to be a parent and a person? Any dads out there who have suffered from postnatal depression?

Image: hollywoodbackwash.com

Is Pam Anderson a Better Mom Than I Am?

Jen Chaney — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:02:00 GMT

Pamela Anderson is making me feel bad about myself.

The serial marrier and former "Baywatch" babe told Ellen DeGeneres this week that she only gets three or four hours of sleep each night. Why? Because she feels compelled to get up early each morning, make breakfast for her two sons and take them to school.

"Usually I get in around three or four in the morning, and I'm up at 6:30 a.m. with my kids," she explained.

Now, one might ask exactly why Pammy is getting home in the middle of the night. Because she has to hit the celebrity party circuit, of course. Look, that's part of her job. Most of us have to go to meetings, make powerpoint presentations, dial in to a few conference calls. Pam has to put on a body-hugging outfit, pose for some photos, throw back a few complimentary beverages and try to decide which slacker semi-celeb to wed next. It's all in a day's work.

Here's why I feel bad: I go to bed much earlier than Anderson but I still have a very hard time waking up early in the morning. On most days, my husband (a definite morning person) is the first one up and attending to our son. I'm awake by 7:15 or so, but I still feel like a slacker because I have to peel myself off the mattress. And I invariably feel exhausted for at least part of the day.

Am I the only mom who covets her morning snooze and can't bear to give it up? How does Pam Anderson find the strength to rise so early? And is it really necessary for her to make me feel guilty about my sleeping habits when she already makes me feel inferior for not having the body of a Barbie doll with a boob job?

Photo: Askmen.com

What Does This Generation of Moms Want?

Kelly Mills — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:39:00 GMT

There's about a thousand headlines trying to define what moms of this generation want. Do we hope to return to the domestic spheres of the 1950's housewives (as has been reported), or are we career-minded? Do we care about our jobs or our kids? And one writer says we don't know what we want. When she works fulltime she can't wait to be home with family, but when she is on maternity leave she finds she hates staying at home. She gets a work-from-home freelance career but misses office action, and when she goes back to the office she chafes at the set hours that make her miss her kids. In short, women of this day and age have no idea what they want. What they really, really want.

I actually know what women want. Every woman really wants...A pony. Can I have a pony? A nice Shetland?

Sigh. If I had to hazard a crazy guess, I'd venture that women really want to feel fulfilled and satisfied at whatever they do whenever they are doing it, be it time with kids or the office grind or the freelance life. They'd also like financial security and crap like that. And that it's hard to balance many priorities, and the balance probably looks different for different people, making it impossible to (gasp) find one way to define an entire group of women, except with very broad strokes. I don't mean to Myspace the party here, but I'd also guess men want the same damn thing. It's a generation of people wanting to feel like they are engaged in meaningful things, which of course makes us sooooo very different from previous generations. It's just that our choices were more limited in the past, but I'd be surprised to find we have become suddenly impossible to please.

Wealthy TV Chef Says Her Kids Must Work for Money

Madeline Holler — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 14:23:00 GMT

Hot British celebrity cook Nigella Lawson, who has more money than God thanks to her upbringing, her commercial success and her marriage to a super rich ad man, says none of her wealth will be passed on to her two kids, Cosima and Bruno, now 13 and 11. None of it. They'll have to get out there and work if they're going to maintain the lifestyles of children whose parents are, as described above, extremely wealthy.

My first thought is, damn, what a meanie! But then if I spend two seconds reflecting on the not terribly meaningful lives of those who become entitled to their parents' riches, like Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, the Greek tycoon's kids ... you know where this is going, all those aimless poor little rich kids ... and I think, damn, what a favor!

She has a combined wealth with her second husband, marketing guru Charles Saatchi, of more than $218 million. Alone, she's thought to be worth more than $30 million. But when she dies, she says not a penny of it will go to the kids.

From the Daily Telegraph:

Asked what she hoped the children would learn from her, Miss Lawson told the magazine My Weekly: "To know that I am working and that you have to work in order to earn money. I am determined that my children should have no financial security. It ruins people not having to earn money.

Interestingly, her hubby, Lawson's kids' step-dad, doesn't agree. And he has a 12-year-old daughter from another marriage who will get a windfall when papa's gone. Hmmmm. There's an interesting dynamic.

So all of you readers who are worth $30 million, will you leave any of it to your children? What about those of us with lesser means? Will you bequeath your over-mortgaged estate to the kids? Is Nigella being stingy or smart? I mean, it's not like they're going to have to work shitty jobs -- ever.

Forget the Husband. Mama Needs a Concierge.

Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 23:03:00 GMT

Yeah, yeah, yeah, husbands are great. Well, your husband is probably great. Sweet, loving, complimentary, wildly passionate, fiscally responsible, absolutely gleeful to wash your underthings and scrub dried puke off of the couch. Oh, and content to do a late-night run to Costco for a few small items. Not all of us are so fortunate as to have a plucky partner like that and even if we do, I imagine we all have additional stuff to do on our plate that needs more steel wool and elbow grease than one (or two) competent but crazed parent(s) can handle. Enter a concierge service geared toward women and specifically, working moms.

Wisconsin-based Heather Karow's concierge business caters to the unique needs and schedules of other working mothers. This entrepreunerial parent provides event planning, arranges in-home spa services and even runs errands as each client's personal assistant. One client calls Karow her "Plan B." If this woman would come to my house and organize my pantry, label my fourteen half-finished binders, call my mother back and drop off the eight shopping bags of clothes to donate that have been in my dining room for seven months, I would happily hand over my tiara and crown her Mommy's New BFF. Hell, she can have Queen of the House if she's willing to empty my email inboxes.

Sure, I could hire a high school sophomore for eight bucks an hour to do a lot of this stuff. But then, that would leave me without the rich opportunity to bitch aloud about why my husband isn't doing his fair share in the first place (Table for Bitter? Bitter? Anyone Bitter?). I also imagine a Wal*Mart waged high schooler would give me that camp counselor feeling rather than the luxe, pampered ideal of touting my parental concierge all over playgroup and co-op. As superficial a dream as that is, who cares as long as mama's got a fresh manicure and the immunization records are tidy and up-to-date?

Working Mom Woes: Another Study, More Venom

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 18:32:00 GMT

A recent British study reveals non-breeder people resent the hell out of working moms (not dads, mind you) and all their sick time, maternity leave, kid-meeting-going ways. Or so it appears at first glance. Over at Broadsheet, Carol Lloyd rightly points out that "...it's a shame that this survey almost exclusively nabs headlines as a catfight in the making because a couple of its findings are truly disturbing."

Nevertheless, I still don't understand why everyone is so bent out of shape about people taking time off to care for family members (small, innocent, cute ones even)?? Perhaps someone can explain it to me....

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that working mamas get their unfair share of heat. Whether we choose to work or not, or stay home or not, there is no escaping the Eye of Sauron watching our every move. So how is it that we're given a hard time when the kids have strep throat, or a fever, or a cold, or an appointment (God forbid) at the dentist. Is it so difficult to understand that employers remain inflexible at their own peril?

Workplace inflexibility pits people against each other (men against women, breeders against non-breeders, bosses against employees). We end up fighting like rats in a cage and missing the main point. At some point, everyone will need workplace flexibility, even if they don't have children. We should drop this warring and start trying to make the system better for all concerned.

Should I Stay or Should I Go? The Working Mama's Dilemma

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 22:36:00 GMT

Talking about working and motherhood is a difficult task. People get defensive, territorial, classist, angry, and hurt. After all, parenting is crucial, the most important endeavor most of us will ever undertake. And Motherhood, with a capital M, is so laden and mythologized.

So when someone questions our decision to work, or not, to raise our kids with or without religion, educate them at school or at home, feed them a bottle or from a breast we discuss, defend, decry, or simply silently judge...

Because there is so much at stake here.

When my twins were babies I had a big important job, worked many many hours each week, but flexed them so that I could spend each afternoon and evening with the girls. As time went on, and they started getting sick, I became more exhausted by trying to do both important jobs, it became more and more difficult. By the time the girls were nearly a year, I cashed out my retirement and took some time off to spend with them. Going from working to not working in such a short period was disorienting and frankly, I hated it. It was boring, tiresome, totally isolating.

So I went back to work again. This time an equally important job, but with more flexibility, more support at home, and a deep desire to get back into the workforce and use my brain. This effort went well for awhile. Then I got pregnant with my third baby and you can probably imagine the rest.

My work life now is as a contractor. I work as a part-time fundraiser for my daughters' school, I write for Babble and a few other places, but all of this is done mostly from home. I had to try out each working option, each possibility before getting to this place. And the time I have now is so much less stressful than when I worked in an office, especially on a Sunday evening. And spending time with my youngest is enjoyable, even when a little boring.. simply because I know it does go by so quickly. The choices women and men make to accommodate their children are fascinating.

I'm grateful I had the choice to cut back and try another path that fit better with my family's need. Sunday nights aren't the terror they once were...

What about your work-life? How did you come to your choices and are you happy with them?

Neverending Mommy Guilt

Kelly Mills — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 15:38:00 GMT

Maybe you though guilt was just something moms laid on their kids, but no. Many moms (hello!) feel the weight of guilt for not doing enough or being enough for their children. Working moms can be particularly afflicted, but some experts say we don't have to don the hair shirt over it. "A mother doesn't have to work 40 hours a week outside the home to feel that way, says clinical psychologist Mark Crawford. He believes some moms are born to stay at home with their children and others are not." Can I get an "Amen"?

Crawford goes on to say that guilt ain't healthy for anyone in the family, and even the kids can pick up on it and feel that they are to blame. So maybe it's time we got down off the mommy sacrificial altar and just made peace with the fact that some of us are better parents when we work outside the home (or in other cases, in the home office. But alone.) He suggests asking yourself, "'Am I doing something good for me, good for our family and ultimately good for our child even if it means I'm not there at this particular moment?'" We just have to stay involved with our little angels and get over it. I'll let you know as soon as I manage that.

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