Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

re: Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

Erin — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:03:15 GMT

The names question also depends a lot on what your intention is. It's one thing to ask how the kids refer to us so you can use the same names (I think this is not only okay but a good idea) and another thing to ask in the way I think Erin is describing, as in "but what will they call you?" (in a more snide way).

re: Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

Erin White — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 17:15:05 GMT

Asking the question of what a child will call you (which is normally preceded with "But. . .") suggests that the idea of two people being called Mama (or Mommy, Mom. etc) will be confusing for a child and, in my experience, seems to people like an innocent enough way to ask the larger question of what life will be like for a child living with two mothers. But this is based on the assumption that because we are both women, we will have identical parenting roles and styles, or, conversely, that one of us with be a mother and the other, a "father." But LGBT parents don't parent within the traditional parenting paradigms (and, as I'm sure you know, neither do most straight couples).

The blog LesbianDad (http://www.lesbiandad.net) does a great job of exploring (and deconstructing) ideas about gender, family structure, and names. It's worth a read.

re: Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

BettyWu — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 03:42:17 GMT

Why is asking what they'll call you rude? We ask that of the grandparents (Gramma, Nana, Noni, Grandmom...) and some straight couples (Mom, Mama, Mommy...). I never have asked that, but that one stuck out for me for some reason.

re: Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

kd — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:05:18 GMT

Along the same lines...

Who's the Dad?

(um, see above... there is no dad, this is a 2 mom family)

Who will the male role model be?

(we're not raising our kids on an all-female commune! And you'd never ask this of a single mom!)

Do you care if your kids turn out gay?

(Seriously???)

And yes - all those questions about the infertility issues we were assumed to be struggling with! The only thing that we dealt with was a source issue... solved by a trip to the local sperm bank.

I usually don't mind these questions, I like to help teach "lesbian families 101" when I can. But really, I was surprised by the number of worldly, educated, urban people who asked us questions like this!

re: Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

Erin White — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:09:44 GMT

Dana, we are so very on the same wavelength-- I actually plan to post on your fantastic "how to respond" article later in the summer as people get ready to start new schools and meet new families. Thanks!

re: Rudest Question to Ask a Pregnant Woman: Lesbian Edition

Dana — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:57:51 GMT

Here's my post from a while back on How to Respond when Meeting Lesbian Moms--I think we're on the same wavelength here:

mombian.com/.../how-to-respond-when-meeting-lesbian-moms-2