A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

deww — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:09:18 GMT

My DH did not care at all about the whole name issue!

I kept my name, then decided to add a hyphen to out last names after our daughtger was born.

I'm legally a hyphenated name,no one else is, but I choose to now be known socially and professionally with my husbands name (no Hyphen).

I have a Jewish old testament first name, and he has an Irish last name.

So my name is similar to having a name like Yental O'Brien

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

gemini — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 18:53:14 GMT

"I changed my name because I wanted my children to have the same last name as me." "I changed my name because I wanted my childen to have the same last name as me." Over and over.

How about your husband changing his name to yours? Then you'd both still have the same last name as your children.

Didn't ocurr to you? That's why the name thing change is still sexist. And it will be till half the couples take the wife's last name.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

mamatried — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:13:24 GMT

I didn't change mine (more out of laziness and being in grad school than my attachment to my name). Plus, it just seems weird to change my name.

My daughter has my husband's last name, though (although her middle name is my last name which really happened because on the way to the hospital to deliver we still hadn't decided on a first name for her so the middle name wasn't even in consideration at that point).

Sometimes I toy with the idea of changing mine so we all have the same last name but anything that requires my 1. finding my marriage certificate and 2. going to the social security office probably ain't going to happen in this lifetime :)

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Larissa — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:39:14 GMT

I kept my name, it was never a discussion item.

Pregnancy made me crazy, insecure & hormonal so I caved at about 7 months to agree to give the kid my husband's last name. Then we did the same 2 years later with the next one. I would have picked a 3rd name for us all but my husband wasn't interested in doing that. My kids have 2 middle names, my last name being the 2nd one. I try to use their full names a lot (not just when they are in trouble) b/c I wish I had been in a different place when pregnant and more able to discuss/debate/advocate for my position. However, short of hypehating (which is not a choice that worked for us), there aren't any other compromises that I'm aware of.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Amanda T. — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 04:44:08 GMT

Out of all of the posts above, I see none who did what my husband and I ended up doing, so I'm going to post our story. It was very important for me to keep my name in some way, important to both of us that we all have one name as a family, and neither of us liked the idea of hyphens. We thought about my husband changing to my maiden name, but it was important for him to have his name, too. After MUCH consideration, we were able to combine our names to make a new, unique name. His name was Timberman and my last name was Moon. Now we both (and our son) have the last name of TimberMoon. We get a lot of compliments on our name (a lot of people ask if it is Native American). I realize most names would not sound good combined, but it worked well for us (it was an expensive hassle for us to both legally change our names, though--it's not free like it would be if we had hyphenated or one of us had taken the other's name).

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Miss Chris — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 23:25:57 GMT

It's nice to know I'm not actually the only one who passed her name on to her kids...

It also never occurred to me to change my name, my husband asked once and when I said "no thank you" we never discussed it again.

I also thought about how it wasn't exactly undoing the patriarchy to cling to my father's name over my husband's but the fact is we have to start somewhere. I could go back to my mother's maiden name, but that would just be her father's name - so the mother naming starts with me and it would be awesome if someday my great great granddaughters could look back and say that their names genuinely came to them from their mothers and their mother's mothers and all the way up to me.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Alisa — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:32:34 GMT

Hey Miss Chris, me too!

People are shocked that our new daughter has my last name and my husband's name as her middle name. No hyphenation. Our particular reasoning related to raising our child in my family's Jewish tradition as opposed to my husband's family's Catholic tradition. But it's possible that I would have found some other reason if that one hadn't surfaced....

Why is it that people insist on the husband's last name always going to the kids? And I also know very few women who kept their last name when they married. It honestly NEVER occurred to me to change my name. It's the one I'm used too.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Stoakland — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 18:33:08 GMT

Thanks for the post! I'm about to have my first baby (due today, actually) and have been debating what to do about the last name. I kept my original name when I married, so my husband has a different surname. We'll probably hyphenate with both, or use mine as a second middle name with my husband's as the last name. I'd especially like to keep my name in there somewhere because the baby might also share a first name with his dad. My husband's the main "decider" about the first name, working with a couple of options we arrived at together, and I'm focusing now on the surname. It's hard to decide!

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Joy — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:44:37 GMT

WOW. So many people above said that they changed their names because they "wanted to share a name with their children" ... didn't it occur to anyone that the kids could have the MOM'S name or a hyphenated name? There are so many ways to share a name with your kids without all of them taking the husband/dad's name.

Rock on, Miss Chris. I see that you've not only thought about, but embraced a very unconventional option.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

anonymous2 — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 14:52:48 GMT

I changed my last name to my husband's when we married. It was important to both of us that we share a surname as a family unit with our eventual children. While I consider myself a feminist, I don't really see how keeping your "maiden" name equates to feminism. It's still a patriarchal system and you still have a man's last name, whether it's your husband's or your father's. Also, hyphenating the children's names works for one generation, but then what happens when Mary Smith-Jones grows up and marries John Murray-Clark? Kids named Smith-Jones-Murray-Clark? Yes, the system that we use is patriarchal (although some cultures do use a matriarchal naming system), but we had to use one or the other and it wasn't going to be "fair" to the other gender. The reality is, it's just a name and a name is never going to sum up the complexity of the person it refers to.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Manjari — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:21:06 GMT

Susannah, that sounds like the perfect solution! I think I was (and still am) too hung up on the idea of the whole family having the same last name. My kids have both last names, just no hyphen (which means my last name is their middle name). I just sort of wish that I still had my own last name. I guess I'm conflicted b/c of that part of me that wants us all to have one family name.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Manjari — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:21:06 GMT

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Susannah — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:02:14 GMT

@ Chiken: Sorry if I was unclear. Only my daughter is hyphenated. I kept my name, husband kept his, daughter got both. I don't know whether that's "particularly feminist", but it felt right to us. She is both of us and her own person, so she has a name that's all hers but contains ours.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

AllisonWonder — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:13:07 GMT

I love my family, but I was never really attached to my last name, so I always figures I'd change it- unless my husband had a last name like Wonderhamster or something like that (no offense meant, Wonderhamsters). If I'd had an established career under my maiden name, I might have kept it for professional purposes, but it probably would've been changed officially.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Miss Chris — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:08:40 GMT

We considered changing to a new name altogether but my family is very interested in geneology and that would throw a huge wrench in the works for future generations.

I guess we did something pretty rare. I kept my last name, never even considered changing it. And when our daughter was born she got my last name and her father's last name as her second middle name. I don't see why Daddy's should get all the naming rights so for our family he is the odd one out. If we have more kids I assume we'll do the same, maybe then he'll have to change his name to fit in.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Chiken — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 22:23:55 GMT

I took my husband's last name, mainly because I wanted to have the same name as my children. It is very interesting that all of the women who commented above that they did not change their names now have a different last name than the rest of their families. It's husband and children, one name; wife, another. That does not strike me as particularly feminist. I would be more interested in the entire family unit changing names to something new.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Cecelia — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:30:57 GMT

My parents didn't have middle names, so they chose not to give me (or my twin sister) a middle name. When I got married in my 30s, I realized that all that I have accomplished was in my maiden name. My husband really wanted me to take his name. So, I compromised--I took my maiden name as my middle name, and my husband's last name. I did not hyphenate; but now I use my full name on everything.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

chiralgirl — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:58:42 GMT

I kept my last name, but when my son was born, we gave him my husband's last name...and mine as a second middle name. Wasn't a problem with the birth certificate people at all!

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

coolteamblt — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:18:05 GMT

I'm choosing to change my name. I'm getting married at the end of July, and I am going to be a Huff. I hate the name, but I feel very strongly that a family should have the same last name. I plan on making my maiden name my second middle name, so I still have my family name. My first son will have my fiance's middle name as his middle name, but if I have a second son, his middle name will be my maiden name.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Susannah — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:50:05 GMT

I kept my name. I was 30 when I married, so I'd gotten attached to it. Also, his mother and I have the same first name, so I had no interest in having his mother's first and last name--creepy! So we hyphenated. Occasionally, I wish my daughter had a simpler last name, but husband never does, so I guess it all works. Of my friends, I am one of the few to keep my name. Of my sisters (there are four of us), we're batting .500.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

grrarrgh — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:32:52 GMT

I got married before any of my (young, feminist) friends and I'm the ONLY one who didn't take my husband's name. Granted we gave the baby my husband's name, but it's a secret source of frustration for me that none of the women I know kept their names.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Manjari — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:13:54 GMT

I didn't want to change my name. My husband really wanted me to, but I resisted for 3 years. I eventually changed it when I was 7 months pregnant with the twins. I wanted us to all have the same last name as a family, I guess. The kids and I have my original last name as a middle name.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Lila — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 16:55:40 GMT

Originally, I had planned on keeping my maiden name and my husband was fine with it.

But when we moved, the majority of the networking contacts I made in the new city were through my husband. People seemed to find it too difficult to remember his name and then associate my maiden name with him. Additionally, once I got pregnant, record keeping through insurance and doctors offices was too difficult with 2 names, so I finally took his name.

My step-dad’s last name was my maiden name, and it was something I wanted to keep. So, I chose the same route as several of the ladies above and use it as my middle name.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

Laura — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 16:47:13 GMT

I kept my maiden name when we married. I just didn't see any reason to change it. And we have had no problems now that we have a child, who shares my husband's last name.

I actually know one family in which both parents kept their last names, and one child has the mom's surname, and the other child has the dad's surname.

re: A Rose is a Rose Unless She's A Smith-Rose

leahsmom — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 16:38:32 GMT

Like most above, I changed my maiden name to my husbands because I wanted my children to have the same name as me - I wanted to avoid any confusion about who their mom was if I could - I'm the mom! And while I agree it's somewhat patriarchical, et c. - that's how our society works, and people still give a lot of credence to moms with the same last name.

My husband also wanted me to keep my maiden name, originally - and I think my mother in law was insulted because she didn't keep hers. But now he's glad I changed it.