It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

mom — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:15:12 GMT

Madeline, I take offence at your "popular fake singer" comment. Ms. Montana is a gifted performer, and I would be proud to let my daughter wear the hanna shirt, eat the screen-printed hanna cookie, with the hanna lunch box and the hanna juice boxes and the hanna hair clip, carrying the hanna notebook and pencil set in her hanna book-bag. Unfortunately, my baby is only 9 months old. I can only hope there is a Hanna for her someday.

(really! I saw a hanna cookie! Yuk!)

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

Lauren — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 00:31:38 GMT

We stayed away from marketing things until my son was about 3. Until then we didn't have cable, so he wasn't really exposed to anyone other than the news man.

Then we stayed with my in-laws for a few months during a cross country relocation.

Let's just say he is now very familiar with Charlie and Lola.

We had still managed to stear clear of him actually owning anything with a character on it until it was time to buy some jammies for an overnight hospital stay. He saw the cars jammies and was in love. How could we say no to a kid who was about to have surgery. We realized then that there are more important things than avoiding marketing. Sometimes a familiar character helps take away some of the scary feelings that accompany going to the hospital.

We still don't *encourage* character toys, but if he wants to play with Lighting McQueen along side the big yellow tonka, well that's ok with us.

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

diera — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 14:54:43 GMT

We do more of the balance thing. I won't buy food that we otherwise wouldn't buy because it's themed, or crappy toys, but if my son would rather have Spongebob underwear than plain white that's OK with me, the kid needs underwear anyway. Last year when he needed a lunch box for kindergarten and wanted a Cars box, we let him get it - and when it fell apart six months later and we had to replace it we talked about the fact that sometimes themed items aren't as good, and he was fine with replacing it with a plain sturdy one. It made a pretty persuasive lesson.

He rarely sees commercials because when he watches TV it's almost always on DVR, but when we do we talk a lot about the fact that commercials make things look much better than they are, and he rarely begs for things he sees on TV. He's got one TV show t-shirt, but then his father and I each have a t-shirt or two that are related to entertainments we love (are Avatar t-shirts worse than concert t-shirts or sports t-shirts?) and as long as we're not all collectively wall-to-wall marketing I'm comfortable with that.

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

Kaz — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 12:33:09 GMT

I see your point, and, like I said, you should raise your kids the way you want to. I still am not convinced that one has to completely cut out stuff to teach a lesson...

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

Madeline Holler — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 03:03:52 GMT

If you're asking me, Sheri, my kids are 7 and 3, and gracious, NO!, I'm not monitoring their food at friends' homes. Or school for that matter. In fact, we don't demonize food around here or call it "bad" -- no, no, not going down that path -- we have our treats but it rarely features a movie star or a cartoon character on the package (on the one hand because I'm cheap and buy off-brand, on the other hand because I hate how so much packaged food is covered with TV shows and movie stuff.)

As for the character thing, it's a firm no because, like I said, that keeps us out of gray areas (i.e. clothes covered with Sesame Street characters are OK because they're "educational," but SpongeBob backpacks aren't because he's a dingbat. That's too fine-grained for the toddler set.) Plus, in saying no to these things, I get to talk about the overall marketing machine when we see them, which is really what I wanted to get at in this post -- the powerful and successful marketing machine. So, sure, I might be setting them up for tossing cross-promoted candy wrappers in the sewer, but maybe they'll recognize that it's the chocolate not a popular fake singer's picture that's making them feel all good inside.

You know, we even talk about why the car dealership has a billion balloons floating around the lot, when and why a new mess of clothes appears throughout the year in stores, why a box of books showed up on the doorstep (ordered online) -- I go all the way with this stuff. Because recognizing the pervasiveness and power of marketing is the only way I can think of for any of this to pay off in the long run. Incidentally, my older one recognizes the signs and more than once has asked me, "Mom, are you impulse shopping now?" Whoops! Careful what you wish for!

And Jennifer! It's never too late, in my humble and optimistic opinion, to get back on that horse. My advice? Cut Dora cold turkey and then talk alllllll about why, over and over again. It's OK to use big words and she doesn't have to totally get it, she just has to know it's important to you for a real reason. But I'm no expert. I'm kind of flailing here myself.

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

Sheri — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:39:06 GMT

Just wondering how old your kids are????

Are they school age??? do they have friends???

Now, I'm not saying to give up all your values and just let them do as they want, but I'm saying, you are gonna need to pick your fights. Really.

Do you actually go to their friends houses and make sure they NEVER eat sugar, or do you meet their friend's parents and even though they might partake in a sugary cereal for breakfast, you know that they are good people, and that's THE.MOST.IMPORTANT.THING.

I agree with Kaz, you all are setting yourselves up. An occasional treat isn't gonna kill your child. Good parents do let their kids have SpongeBob shirts and eat fruit snacks every now and then.

If you fight with your child over every little thing, you aren't gonna get through to them when the stuff really starts to count.

And you can get a cheap Cinderella dress from e-bay...staying home and taking care of your kids while your partner goes out and earns money isn't bad either. I am pulling my own weight believe me.

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

Kaz — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:01:04 GMT

I've got to agree with some here - I think there is a balance. Completely restricting your child will only work so long. My wife grew up with no junk food, and her mother handing out raisins and toothbrushes at Halloween. She and her sister would walk to the store, buy candy, and throw the wrappers in the sewer.

I prefer to teach my daughter that she cannot have every little thing she wants, but if she wants a princess doll, that's fine. She is also surrounded by strong women (mostly on my wife's side) who are teaching her that women don't have to be princesses and just look forward to marrying a prince who will take care of them.

I honestly believe that you can strike a balance, and have good, well-rounded, intelligent kids. I don't let television raise my kid.

I just hope I am right!

That's not to say you don't have the right to raise your kids as you see fit. If you want to say no to all character stuff, it is your right to decide to do so.

Just don't be surprised if you see Johnny Depp candy wrappers in the sewers! :)

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

ThereBut4TheGraceofDuncan — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 22:32:38 GMT

If I had only had my daughter, I'd be as smug as Baconsmom. But I had to go and have a 2nd kid. I feel pretty confident that with the particular personality of my daughter, I could have held the hard & fast line of absolutely no Personalities, etc. My son is a lot more interested & plugged into popular culture. Even if they don't see it on TV, or get to wear the cloths or play with the toys - other kids have Hannah Montana/Pokemon/Princess/Power Ranger lunchboxes, trading cards, t-shirts and toys. Unless you are going to cloister your kids away from the world (not saying its a bad option!), you are going to have unfortunate influences. We have steered a lot more toward cosumer education & mindful consumption as they get older, rather than trying to control their exposure.

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

chyna823 — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 22:18:22 GMT

As with everything else, I think it's all about moderation. I was trying to avoid the princess thing, but I was weak once at Target when my 4-year-old had been having a tough day, and I let her get a Sleeping Beauty doll. And watching her play with it, I've realized that she doesn't care one bit about the actual Sleeping Beauty story--she just loves to play with the hair, admire the glittery dress, and have SB interact with her other toys (I think she's tight with Lilly the Leapfrog and the pink kitty these days). So basically, the princess doll is no different to her than any other "non-character" doll.

But I do know parents who have gone completely over the top with that stuff, and it's easy to see how it can happen. You just have to balance the character things with the non-character things, and most importantly: DO NOT TELL THE GRANDPARENTS if the child likes a particular character! (I made that mistake and my kid's 3rd birthday was a Dora-palooza.)

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

Jennifer — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 21:17:05 GMT

I wish I had done as well as baconsmom...I intended to. But sometimes the person I have to remember to say "no" to is myself. My 2 year old watches Dora, she loves her! We let her watch one episode a day while we make dinner. She knows the word "episode." At TJ Maxx she saw some sneakers with Dora on them. She was so excited. I bought them. At the grocery store she saw a can of soup with Dora on it. I thought...if this will make my very picky eater eat one more thing, ok. I bought it. She loves it (but she picks the carrots out!).

Here's my question...how do I lift myself back up from this slippery slope? Is it too late?

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

SL — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 20:08:24 GMT

No, it's hard. Especially when everything is so pervasive and when their little friends get to have it - plus it's all so colorful! It's hard to resist.

This is the solution if you're sick of saying no. Offer an alternative. Say, "Okay, you go to the playground with so and so, or you can get the Hannah Montana shirt." Or some other such option. I did this to my 7 year-old daughter on a trip to Disneyland. She desperately wanted a Cinderella dress costing $100. I said, "You have a choice. We continue staying in our nice hotel and go to Disneyland tomorrow. Or, we stay in a less-nice hotel and skip Disneyland tomorrow - and you get the dress." She didn't get the dress and we had a great second day in Disneyland. Now when she asks for things, I can see her little wheels turning, deciding if she'd rather have a trip to her favorite restaurant (where she can make her own ice-cream sundae).

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

Bethie — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 19:56:46 GMT

baconsmom, your link doesn't work. And you must live somewhere where every other child you see isn't fat. I on the other hand have seen my fair share of fat kids at my local mall, sitting in the food court with a huge tray of fast food in front of them. I've got news: it is a problem.

To the author, I've just had my first son, he is 8 weeks old. My husband and I piously intend to raise him as you describe--to not fall for the hype. It was good for me to read that it's difficult, I hope I can keep up my resolve as you have.

re: It's Hard Out There for a Mom Who Says 'No'

baconsmom — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 19:24:47 GMT

First of all, I'm not worried about The! Childhood! Obesity! Crisis! Booga Booga!, but that's because I don't believe it exists. (See Sandy Swarcz's Junkfood Science [http://junkfoodscience.com])

But I was concerned about gender roles and sexism and the denigration of the functional family so often found in commercial television. So we limit the viewing - PBS Kids and Food Network. That's it. That's her choices.

As a result, she's never seen a princess, doesn't know who Hannah Montanna is, and couldn't care less. She also eats every vegetable put in front of her and will try new foods eagerly - usually because someone's prepared them with delicious care on a cooking show.

I am one of those "personal responsibility/no regulation" people. I'm also a parent. I am not weary; I do not feel I'm "up against a lot"; and I have no concerns over her health or her media savvy. I don't think this is really as hard as people make it.