A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

cocoa — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 23:50:59 GMT

Totally obnoxious.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Victoria — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:19:29 GMT

Disrespectful,

Not respecting the wishes of the mother, I had similar issues with my MIL but thankfully she was still out of town when I had to have my c-section a week early. She was in the delivery room for the birth of my SIL first child and my BIL still hasn't forgiven her and barred her from the birth of the second.

I can appreciate how excited the Grandparents are but by not respecting the wishes of the parents she potentially at least in the short term harmed her relationship with them and violated a trust. I see that in my BIL relationship with our MIL.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Redstocking Grandma — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:09:38 GMT

Lisa, I agree with you. The NYT columnist drew a distinction between the“couldn’t be a parent without them” grandmother (Michelle Obamas mother) and Rhona Bennett. Yet the most devoted grandmothers are often the same ones who would be deeply hurt if they weren’t welcome to see their grandchildren soon after birth and to help out during the first turbulent weeks at home.

I have painfully struggled with this issue with my older daughters. Ironically, they, as well as my mother, were at the home births of their younger sisters. I did tell my mom to shut up at one point because she was expressing her anxiety by constant talking. But we both could laugh about that later. Because my youngest daughter was 10 days late, my dad was there at the birth even though he hadn't planned to be. He wasn't allowed in the delivery room for the birth of his six children. He walked around with a glorious smile.

Yet I understand. Stupidly I resisted my mother’s help for the birth of my first child and everything fell apart. I didn’t want her to take off from work; my husband and I could handle it ourselves. With my three other daughters, I knew better.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Lisa — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:26:49 GMT

The Grandmothers should have contained themselves a bit more, sure, but what they did was wonderfully loving and human. My mother-in-law stand in (husband's aunt) was with us for part of labor, freaked herself out by seeing my water broken, and came back to see us a few hours after my son was born. She fell totally, completely in love with the little dude, and two years later helps keep my family happy and running. Bless her. I wasn't thrilled with having her there during labor - shouldn't that be "private?" - but the result of including her in that part of our lives is unending love and support.

I think our generation is very caught up in privacy and independence. We value it over so much else. I'm learning to value it less, to let it go, and to actively pull family into the private circle. You give up a lot of control, but I'm willing to make that trade off for more love for my kid.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Mark — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:01:15 GMT

I just don't understand what was so obnoxious? Yes, she did not respect her son's & daughter-in-law's wishes but was what she did that bad. All she wanted to be part of the joy of welcoming the new member!!!! There are a lot of things I hate about my parents & in-laws but surely their love is not one of them - they may show it in a manner we won't always like but it is LOVE and thank god for that.

It is sad that North American society has become such where an expression of love is treated as an invasion of privacy. Shame! We live such disconnected lives, don't really know our neighbors and don't want to continuing knowing our families. Shame again.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

stephanie — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:26:07 GMT

What's really really shocking (and obnoxious) is the way this woman felt she could jump in line and grab the baby before its mother had a chance to. Truly disgusting.

If it had been a natural birth, and once the baby had breastfed for the first time, maybe then. But to take advantage of someone who's immobilized because they've just had major abdominal surgery? How selfish can you get?

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Sanya — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:02:11 GMT

I guess I'm going to be one of the ONLY new moms on Grandma's side here.

Both of the grandmothers stayed in the waiting room. They didn't horn in on the poor mama having surgery. They didn't try to see the baby until the dad told them where to go.

Both of the grandparents were worried about the mama. The one was worried about HER DAUGHTER, for heaven's sake. You don't stop wanting to protect your baby even if your baby is in her 30s.

Yes, the writer was rolling her eyes about doulas and breastfeeding, but I feel certain we will someday roll our eyes about what our children do surrounding birth. I eagerly await my turn to roll my eyes.

For myself: My mother in law was extremely excited, and considering my (now ten month old) baby is her sixth grandchild, I thought that was great. I gave birth at six in the morning, I think, and I know she was holding the boy by noon. It would have been sooner if she could have managed it! I'm thrilled that my son was so welcomed and wanted by a great big family, and it can only mean good things for his life that he's got that security.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Alice — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:38:04 GMT

This "loving" grandmother didn't care about her daughter-in-law so much - I guess she was just the vessel and her wishes weren't to be respected? My daughter is 6 months. and all the grandparents knew that we were going to call them after the birth was over. My husband was strictly forbidden from letting anyone know I was in labor - the last thing I wanted after giving birth was to have to face a roomful of people! And I felt it was a private moment for me and my husband and new daughter. We were happy to show her of the next day. Luckily my relatives are wonderful and they know the true meaning of love and RESPECT.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

nilo — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:21:46 GMT

Obnoxious.

However, we do have to ask ourselves the politics of how giving birth, which was previously a communal, women's world event has become a private, medical event. Seems sad.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

BeenThere — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:05:56 GMT

And the divorce rate is only 50%?

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

betsy — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 14:46:53 GMT

Hi everyone who said, "Obnoxious!" Wait twenty five or thirty years and you'll be

in the same fix. You just cannot describe the sensations of becoming a grandmother to someone who is not. Grandmothers are feeling the force of that power of extreme love and exuberant joy which is sometimes impossible to contain. Sorry. Use us as free baby sitters forevermore.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Heidi — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 01:35:41 GMT

Obnoxious! I already feel like I have to fight tooth and nail with my obstetrician for even the most simplistic parts of my birth plan to be generally respected, I don't need my mother-in-law to totally disregard my wishes too. Ugh.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Dewi — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 18:06:11 GMT

Really this should be the worst thing to happen to this young couple that their mothers care and love them so much they showed up.

Really are we all so distanced and disconnected from family and your parents they are excluded from the joy and welcoming a baby.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Larissa — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:21:48 GMT

I agree with the rest, obnoxious and narcissistic to be sure.

As a doula, I have seen many families struggle to hold back overzealous grandparents. Thank goodness for HIPAA and limits on visitors as excuses for hassled hospital staff to get out of dealing with them! A couple of times I had to stand at the door with my shoulder against the door and my head sticking out whispering excuses and fabricated reasons why grandmom (usually) couldn't come in. If I had been truly honest, I would have said, "Your daughter (in law) doesn't WANT you here, she wants me to tell you to go away, we'll let you know when there is news!"

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Mamallama — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:12:37 GMT

So wrong! My in-laws wanted to come as soon I got to the hospital but my husband made sure that they would not leave their house until my daughter was born. They must have jumped in the car right after the call because they were there in the exact drive time from where they lived.

But they learned their lesson....they got to watch me throw up constantly as I still couldn't keep anything down after my hellacious labor and birth. The only way I could get them to leave was to whip out a boob and attempt breast feeding for the first time. :-) Needless to say, after our second daughter was born, they showed up 4 hours after the call.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Melanie — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:11:40 GMT

And that is exactly why, although our c-section ended up being scheduled the next day, no one in our families knew about it. I told my hubby if I went into labor there would be no calls or e-mails about it at all. Everyone would find out afterwards. And that's exactly what we did. I remember calling my BIL and saying "your nephew's here" and he said "Didn't I tell you he'd show up on his birthday?" and I said "well, yeah, see, it was scheduled."

My mother would have done exactly what this lady did and it would be her last act as a human being, I can tell you, because this mama would have used up all of her energy and strength to get out of bed and strangle the woman!

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Jennifer B — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:09:55 GMT

the circumstances around the birth in this story sound similar to mine. I also asked my parents to please wait until we called to visit. they only live 45min from where i was delivering, so not a big deal i thought.

During my slow-to-progress back labor I went out to walk the halls with my doula and my parents were in the waiting room.

When I went in for my surgery 11 hours later they were still there...they were in my labor suite when i was in recovery!?!

then, they bitched about how uncomfortable they were in the waiting room!

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

karmamama — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:36:22 GMT

Wow, all I can say is that I'm glad my mom is an angel when it comes to our daughter (and the impending birth of baby #2), and my mother-in-law was a dream. The grandfathers are far far away and that's the way we like it, because I know my dad would be one of these stories were it not for biology and geography.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

jb — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:55:23 GMT

Absolutely obnoxious. We barely avoided a similar situation. My son was breach, so we had a scheduled c-section. Before the due date, we had decided it would be best for my mom to come the day we got home from the hospital and spend the first week with us, and then my MIL could come the next week. That way we could spread out the help. My husband spoke to his mother, and she AGREED. The day before our due date she called and said that she had cleared her schedule and they were coming down the day of the birth. When my husband explained that that was not what we decided, and that it wasn't going to work for us she went crazy and accused us of keeping her from her grand child that we had no right to do that. Then his step father got on the phone and said that he was a terrible son and we had no morals. In the end they came the day we got out of the hospital and of course made it all about them. She didn't lift a finger to help out at all except to take the baby. Needless to say I have not forgiven them. That was an incredible, selfish act. And so far she has continued to disrespect our decisions as parents.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Aralion — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:46:18 GMT

Seems like "Obnoxious" wins. This woman is totally self-centered and uncaring about the feelings of her son and daughter-in-law. I would move out of the country to avoid being around her. I can only imagine the tug-of-war this couple is going to face with her as they try to raise their child.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:40:06 GMT

I still haven't forgiven my mother-in-law. Something similar occurred with me after our birth. Every time we see her, it is all about her, and I can't take it. Not just an in-law thing - my husband agrees. It's sad that's the relationship we have now. It didn't have to be like that. And don't tell me I should let it go ... when I do give in and try to give her a chance .... give an inch, take a mile.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Knitty — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:16:47 GMT

Obnoxious. It sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder... her daughter-in-law giving birth to her first child? ALL ABOUT HER. Her "rights", her feelings, her "mortal body that holds her spirit" blah-blah-blah-blah. God, what an odious woman. I wouldn't blame the poor mother for moving to the other side of the planet to get away from her.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

Barb — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:48:45 GMT

I, unfortunately, had a similar situation. We had planned it all out -- my in-law's would bring our 4-year-old daughter to the hospital WHEN WE CALLED THEM, and we'd bring our daughter in first to meet her sibling, have a little "just us" time (and I'm talking 30 minutes, not days or anything), then invite my in-laws in to meet the baby. WE ALL AGREED TO THIS PLAN BEFORE MY SON WAS BORN.

However, my mother-in-law had her own agenda. They showed up at the hospital, with my daughter and brother-in-law, and somehow made it to my c-section recovery room (why would nurses allow this!?), all within the hour of my son being born. So rather than the sweet family meeting, I felt bum-rushed and angry (not how you want to feel after a glorious event). Not to mention, I had just had a c-section less than an hour ago, so I was still unable to walk, the nurses were constantly checking my incision, etc.

I will forever hold this against my in-laws. They were selfish and obnoxious, and, as you can tell, I'm still not over it 15 months later.

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

coolteamblt — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:39:44 GMT

Obnoxious, but understandable.

Being in labor is stressful, and birth plans are in place for a reason. I've already put my husband in charge of traffic control in the delivery room. (We're due any day now!) It's my parents first grandchild, and they're excited, but I don't want a party in the room when I give birth. After the fact? We'll see. If my mother or mother in law ignore our wishes as a couple at delivery, it's going to make their run as grandparents a lot more restricted, at least until I know they'll respect my wishes as a parent.

I'm excited that both sides of the family are excited. I'm really looking forward to seeing everybody. But to be honest? I don't like my mother in law. I have trouble getting along with my mother, and I'm not a very sweet person to start with. I've got quite a mouth on me, and I have a feeling labor won't make me any nicer. It's as much about not hurting their feelings as it is making labor as pleasant as possible for me.

On the flip side, if I had been getting updates regularly about a family member in the hospital and they stopped suddenly, I would flip the hell out. If I was in her situation, I would have met up with my co-grandmother and camped out, waiting for updates, in a place close enough to rush off to the hospital when prompted. Everyone's emotions are obviously running high!

re: A Grandmother's Right? Or Totally Obnoxious?

leahsmom — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:03:50 GMT

If my MIL did that, she wouldn't be permitted to see the kid for at least a year. You don't respect my privacy and my medical decisions? No way you get to be around my newborn!