Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Eva — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 12:03:55 GMT

Actually, I am a SAHM, and when I go to parties I am ALWAYS asked what I do, and I feel sorta stupid saying, "Well, um, mostly I take care of this baby" (who is, inevitably, strapped to me in a baby carrier, so it's not like it's not clear I have a baby)....

But I do feel like I'm regarded as a lazy throwback etc. etc. if not actually a completely insane loser.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

tired — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 00:05:53 GMT

I get tired of people asking me if my SAHD husband has gotten himself a job yet. But then even his own friends treat him like he's some slacker drunkard who's got it made. As if hanging out with a 2 & 4 yr old all day is a relaxing endeavor. My brother's wife, who is a worthless stoner, is never given any grief about staying at home even now when both her children are in grade school.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Renee — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 20:56:31 GMT

This is overly simplistic and ignores the ways in which masculinity is attacked whenever men perform roles/duties that traditionally are done by women.

Many times they are accused of not being real men because nurturing work is said to be the preserve of women. Their expertise is also questioned as people will continually intervene and question parenting skills based in the fact that the action of decision began with a male.

None of this is to say that men face the same or equal amounts of social discipline when they choose to stay home but to say that it does not represent a challenge is needlessly fallacious.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

gpgirl — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 03:14:23 GMT

ChicaDificil, I can actually see what you are saying. My parents and in-laws were thrilled that I was staying home. If my husband decided to be a SAHD, I'm sure they would have been horrified.

I'm glad you had a good reaction from your old job. I cannot say the same for myself. When I told them I was going to stay at home, they didn't believe me. They thought I had another job lined up. I was successful in a field where there are very few women, and I think there was a feeling that I was letting everyone down by doing something so old-fashioned, since I was supposed to be a role model for younger women coming into this field. I have to admit, I still have some lingering guilt, which I know is stupid. (It is certainly outweighed by the joy I have of being with my son throughout the day.) I hate running into any old colleagues, because they always ask me when I am going to re-enter the workforce. "Aren't you ready YET to go back?" (My son is almost 2.)

Of course, I think my husband would have gotten at least an equally negative reaction from his work if he decided to quit.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

ChicaDificil — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 02:30:31 GMT

I totally disagree that SAHDs have it easier. I was a SAHM for the first year of my daughter's life and had a wonderful time. I made tons of mom friends in the neigborhood, took my daughter to a bunch of playdates at other moms' homes, received comments from people like "good for you, you'll never get this important time back." People at my old job totally understood when I quit work to stay at home with my daughter. Now I am back to work and my hubby is taking care of our daughter. Although he loves the opportunity to bond with our daughter in this special way, he also feels very isolated. The moms at the playgroup make plans with each other but never invite him over to their home, perhaps feeling wary as coming across as flirtatious. My husband also feels self-conscious, like he is being judged as a loser for not working, or worse, as a leech for staying home while his wife works. People, like our parents and relatives don't understand the SAHD role as easily as the SAHM role. I didn't worry about these things when I stayed home.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Bean's Dad — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:36:32 GMT

Dumb, dumb, dumb. This post is dumb.

(Happy you got your comment?)

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

gpgirl — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:56:40 GMT

I have to admit I don't know many SAHD's. (And I live in San Francisco, where you think people would be more liberated.)

However, in general I think dads have it way easier in the parenting department overall. I remember when my son was very small, on the weekends if the 3 of us were out, if my husband picked my son up for even 5 minutes, he would have people coming up to him telling him how great he was with the baby, and people telling me how lucky I was to have such a hands-on hubby.

During the week, all the times I was out with my son, with one exception, nobody ever came up to me to tell me how great I was doing.

Don't get me wrong, my hubby really is wonderful with our son, but it did amaze me how much praise he got compared to what I got.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

katy — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:32:03 GMT

Not exaggerating AT ALL.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

km — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:22:11 GMT

My DH was a SAHD for about 18 months. This was about 2 years ago, when SAHDs were even less common, especially in the Hamptons. He was very uncomfortable about it. He was constantly be asked if he was just on vacation, when was he going back to work, why is your wife the one working, if he was the one who did most of the cooking and cleaning...All sorts of slightly inappropriate questions that only made DH feel like he wasn't fulfilling his paternal duties by being the main wage-earner.

I understand that he was feeling judged all the time, and that is ultimately why we switched roles. It was a bummer, though, because we have boys and I felt it would be a great experience for them to spend all that time with their Dad (who obviously knows a ton more about Star Wars and Marvel comics than I).

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Brett Singer — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:47:15 GMT

Can't confirm or deny that one, Lula, but it sounds like it could be true. Again, no evidence either way.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Lula — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:25:45 GMT

I have heard a rumor that SAHDs get major points in custody battles in the event of a divorce, way above what SAHMs do. Can anyone confirm or deny?

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Brett Singer — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:16:06 GMT

That's a good point, Lys.

re: Working Parents Smackdown Part 1 - SAHD vs SAHM

Lys — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:10:39 GMT

I agree with you mostly, but the actual day to day socializing for a SAHD is different, especially when you are the only one at the playground lost in a sea of SAHMs. My husband's about to switch into SAHD mode when my maternity leave is up and I know he's anxious about it.