Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

re: Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

branwyn — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:10:52 GMT

If someone is a single parent because of death, divorce, abandonment etc, they have a definate right to not want to hear about a married friend complain about the partner's minor flaws (true abuse is another matter). Part of being a friend though is listening to your friend bitch. The flip side is that being a friend also means being sensitive to who you are bitiching to (I don't often bitch to my unhappily single friend about the trials of being married, it just seems mean).

HOWEVER, if someone has CHOSEN to be a single parent they have less of a leg to stand on. I'll still be a friend but she did deliberately do it to herself.....

re: Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

Carrie — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:12:49 GMT

I was also struck by the sexist assumptions. Also, the regular assumptions. No, I do NOT get backrubs from my husband. And we live in an apartment, so the building's superintendant fixes the faucets. And we spent 2 days TOGETHER assembling that freakin' crib.

Yes, I realize that more people doing ANYTHING to help out is better than fewer. In theory. But what if one of those people drags his feet at every turn? I know plenty of moms who find it easier to parent when they are alone because the illusion of potential help from the other parent isn't driving them insane. I know plenty of moms who would rather do 95% of the work than hear the bitching that comes with being asked to watch the kids for 10 minutes while she showers. Maybe Lori just has some particularly spoiled and self-centered friends, but ANY non-abusive partner, I promise, is still not necessarily better than no partner.

re: Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

BBBGMOM — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:38:15 GMT

What irked me is her sexist assumptions - that the guy climbs ladders and mows the lawn, etc. Many of the SAHMs I know (including me) do every single chore, no matter the gender stereotyping. The men who are sole wage earners often have partners who shovel the driveway, tinker with the plumbing, etc. along with the typical kid-related (read: mom) duties. I appreciate my husband, but he hasn't mowed the lawn in five years or dealt with oil changes for at least a decade. So I am grateful that the hubby makes enough $$$ for me to stay home, but I do a shitload of work every day and sometimes - just sometimes - I wish he'd buck up and do some heavy lifting on the homefront.

re: Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

gpgirl — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:42:00 GMT

I finally read the whole Parents article, and now I am even more puzzled by your assessment. I really got the feeling that she was trying to make her friends understand what they had, not that they should shut up.

You talk about "pity poor me", but I see her friends doing this much more than she is. Why is it OK for her friends to call her up to complain without letting her get a word in, while it is not OK for her to talk about her situation?

re: Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

gpgirl — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:09:23 GMT

OK, I agree that it is silly to set up a rule that married moms cannot complain to single moms.

But...

I have to admit I really can't stand it when someone complains about her husband ALL THE TIME. I am married, and sure sometimes my husband drives me nuts, but I can't imagine calling someone up expressly to complain about him. I am not one of those people who try to make my marriage look perfect to the outside world. I just don't see the point of regular complaining. If it is really that bad, they need to go to a counselor.

In the article, she explains how some of her friends call her up on a regular basis just to complain about their husbands. (Once when the single-mom's son was only 1 month old. Like she has time to listen to this - even if she was not single!)

Sometimes people do need a slap in the face to realize their situation is really not all that bad.

re: Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

Amy — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:08:47 GMT

Amen, sister! That article annoyed the snot out of me too, but I couldn't put my finger on why. You hit the nail on the head. Friendship is about being there and listening and supporting... no matter what situation each friend has chosen for herself.

I work part time for my husband. I have mom-friends who work, and mom-friends who stay at home full time. I'm in between. But we all are there to help each other out, and we're all respectful of each others' choices, and that's what counts.

Making a home and a family is hard work, and when there are two adults involved, they're going to bump noses. And we girls need our girlfriends to listen and be supportive, and yes, tell us to count our blessings once in a while. Not to tell us to suck it up because their lives are so much worse.

Amy @ prettybabies.blogspot.com

re: Having a Kid Alone? Don't Tell Me Why I Have it Better

Beeker — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:00:09 GMT

The reason Lori Gottlieb wouldn't know any of this is because she's never been married.

What she called settling, I call not being asshole.