Why Daddies Don't Babysit

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Brian — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 03:09:41 GMT

I don't babysit my own kids and I thank God that I don't have a controlling wife like Dana. I looked at your blog and I think that pictures of the kid with the finger paint and the spaghetti on their face happened on your clock, not dads. I think that your list for dad is actually a list for yourself that you are unable to live up to.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Stay At Home Mom — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 04:44:51 GMT

AMEN! it is annoying when people comment how great and involved a dad is because they observe him changing a diaper or carrying the baby in a carrier. And it's annoying the thought of a father "babysitting." But it does boil down to for stay-at-home (or work at home) moms, that primary care of the child(ren) and household is my responsibility, not his, so he is stepping into a temporary role when he is primarily in charge for awhile. Maybe it's not babysitting, but it is temporary. This doesn't take away from his parenting at all, just shows how the division of responsibility works.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Knitty — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:43:29 GMT

Beth: I'm very grateful that we live in the times that we do, with adequate food and medical care and technological advantages that our ancestors could scarcely imagine. On the other hand, I'm not sitting around counting my blessings that my spouse is (at times) an equal partner in our parenting efforts. He wanted this child as much as I did... more, actually. He doesn't deserve any special praise for the parenting he does and it annoys BOTH of us that people single out his efforts as if he's Superman man for doing exactly what he signed up to do.

I find it very annoying to have strangers approach me and make comments about our parentings or my child's behavior, as such comments are rarely if EVER someone "just being friendly." Of course, my situation is most likely very different from your own.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Twyla — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 01:22:44 GMT

ChiLaura: I have a lot more snarky comebacks if you are interested... lol

Just to be fair to my husband, when I have the kids and he comes home, it is messy. When he has the kids and I come home, it is scrubbed clean. He doesn't do everything like I do and I am thankful everyday for that. It is a balance.

I feel so bad for any mom who feels she does not have adequate help from her partner. I have seen a few couples like that myself. They make me appreciate my husband all the more.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Treespeed — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 23:32:31 GMT

As a non-babysitting Dad, I have to say that it would be interesting to get Dana's husband's take on the babysitting issue. I'm not saying this is the case with Dana, but I've definitely seen Mom's that are so hypercritical of their husbands that they basically train the fathers to be helpless caregivers. And then get to complain that the husband never does anything right. I've seen this with a few couples.

I've only ever had the babysitting comment once and I chose to ignore it. I don't think people mean it as an insult, they are just trying to connect.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Elendy — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 23:15:07 GMT

So, interestingly, I feel like I can relate to both sides of this. My first husband was definitely more of the 'babysitter' type. It seemed every little thing he did for our daughter, he expected to be reimbursed for. When we separated, I think he even used the term 'babysitting' for the time he spent with our baby - ugh, it was horrid!

Luckily, we did not last long and I am now married to a wonderful man who is completely invested in parenting our children and running the household. He never babysits! - and I know because of my previous experiences how truly lucky I am to have him

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

ChiLaura — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:53:22 GMT

Twyla, I'm going to have to keep your response in mind for the future. =) We have 2 kids 16 mos apart (youngest now 16 mos old) and are starting to think of the third (and then four, and maybe five?). Undoubtedly I will encounter the same.

My husband is great with our kids, I don't worry at all. He gets annoyed if I try to tell him too much (even, you know, what I've planned for dinner), as he feels that I'm being too controlling. So I'm trying to let go bit by bit. HOWEVER, the thing that drives me nuts is that the house is always a disaster when I get home. If he works late, you bet your ass that I clean the house when the kids go to bed. If I'm out, though, he thinks that he's "off-duty" as soon as the kids are down. I think that even a babysitter would clean up the house better than he does!

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Twyla — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:32:05 GMT

I will admit that when my husband and I had our first kid together I would ask him if he could babysit her while I ran and did something. He would give me the most disapproving look and say something to the effect of, "No, but I will be her Dad while you are gone." He has trained me well. Oh yeah, and I was 23 at the time. So, I will argue the "old lady" point.

Truthfully, if this is the rudest comment people make to you in a day about your kids, life, family, choices, etc. it is still an easy day. I found it much worse when me, my husband and 2 daughters were out to eat while I was pregnant and the lady sitting in the booth behind us asked if this was our last kid, where we happy about it and did we want a boy. I was so taken aback by her rudeness that I just answered the questions and we left. I still can't believe that she thought any of that was her business or appropriate to ask of a stranger. My other favorite is when me and my 4 kids are out somewhere and someone asks me if I know what causes so many pregnancies? My new favorite answer is, "Yes, and I am very good at it." Big smile and walk away.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Barb — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:32:39 GMT

Those kinds of comments crack me up (and seriously upset my husband) because I tell people that we're pretty 50-50, but if I was being totally honest, I have to admit that he probably does more than I do. When our son wouldn't sleep through the night for his first 11.5 months, it was my husband who got up with him because he could go right back to sleep, whereas I'd toss and turn for an hour or two each time. When our daughter was throwing up all over the carpet and bathroom last week, it was my husband who cleaned it all (for several days he had to steam clean the carpets)... in my defense, I was at a PTA event for part of it. He's an awesome father and husband, and while I feel lucky, I think it's just par for the course these days. We both work full time, we both parent full time and we're both committed to each other full time. Life is good.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

feefifoto — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:29:46 GMT

It's an annoyingly bad habit, but I bet our kids won't say it when they grow up.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Sheri — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:00:12 GMT

I have a husband who loves and adores our kids and can't seem to spend enough time with them. He is much better at handling puke and other excretions than I am. I do consider myself lucky.

Because I have seen the other side. I was involved in a mom's group and we went out once a month. There was one mother who could NOT be out for more than 2 hours at a time because "her husband couldn't handle the kids." And many of the moms said their husbands were babysitting.

I don't get it, but it does happen.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

coolteamblt — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:59:29 GMT

Our son is nine weeks old, and he's off one day that I work, so he's in charge of the baby. Half the time, he high-tails it to his mother's house and lets her take care of our son because he's unsure of what to with him. It drives me insane! I stayed home alone with him for five weeks, and I managed to figure it out through trial and error. He just throws in the towel.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

JeanneSager — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:57:08 GMT

Beth: Who said anything about an older woman? I've heard this from women MY age. On the other hand, my grandmother, who died at 82 last year, NEVER would have said my husband was "babysitting."

Although my grandfather wasn't involved in their kids' lives the way my husband is, she was proud that her granddaughter and grandson-in-law were on very equal footing.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Beth — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:47:44 GMT

But Knitty, this is my point. You ARE lucky, we're all lucky that we live in a time when men not only have equal parenting responsibilities, they have equal connection to their kids.

The fact that an older woman notices and points that out doesn't mean that your husband deserves a prize, it just means that she notices how different things are. She's trying to connect with you, not piss you off.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

MsC — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:42:47 GMT

Unfortunately, there are dads who fit Dana's profile. I have a few mom-friends who, alas, accurately describe their husbands watching the children as babysitting and had a few worse off friends who had to stop leaving their children in the fathers' care because the children were *not* being cared for. Happily, this is not the behavior for most fathers.

My husband would be extremely offended to be asked if he was 'babysitting' our daughter. One of many, many reasons he is a keeper! And this sort of 'what do you mean you're equally responsible for your kid' thing still pops up for us, for example when we split sick days and his coworkers seem genuinely flummoxed that the parent with a penis is staying home with the sick kiddo.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Manjari — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:18:45 GMT

Dana, you have my sympathy! I actually think a babysitter would get fired under those circumstances. :)

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Knitty — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:10:04 GMT

My biggest peeve are the comments I get from strangers when my husband and I are out with our daughter, like the stupid woman sitting behind us on an airplane who actually *tapped me on the shoulder* to inform me of how "lucky" I am to have a husband who takes care of our kid. He gave her a bottle! And changed her diaper! Clearly, he deserves a nomination for Man of the Year, because those are the little woman's jobs, and any man who does them is worthy of a ticker-tape parade.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my husband's involvement with our daughter, but for God's sake... he's her father. His role in parenting is just as significant as mine, regardless of his gender.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Mike Adamick (Cry It Out!) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:49:04 GMT

This is why I love you Jeanne. And I know of absolutely no dad who fits Dana's description, except maybe the first hour or so of Mr. Mom. Sorry, yo.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Dana — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:36:44 GMT

Sigh...I wish I could agree. But let's go down the checklist to make sure.

- Is the house destroyed by the time I get back? Check.

- Has all the junk food been eaten? Check.

- Did I have to prearrange a suitable list of activities before I left (including a movie for him)? Check.

- Did I have to prepare a meal or order pizza before leaving? Check.

- Did I have to leave a list of emergency numbers on the fridge because he wouldn't know who to call otherwise? Check.

- Did he call me 6 times while I was gone to inquire as to where a variety of objects were located? Check.

- Is the child (and both dogs) covered from head to toe in paint/mud/spaghetti when he greets me at the door with a look of utter terror on his face begging to never be left alone with said child ever again? CHECK.

Looks a lot like babysitting to me...

While my husband is a wonderful father he tends to lose his head a bit when left to fend for himself...he's great and perfectly capable of handling things when I'm home...but an afternoon alone is a different story. I hoped that his confidence level would increase over the years...but alas. Two years later...it hasn't.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Beth — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:26:38 GMT

I hate when people say this, too, but I also know that when people make comments like this, they aren't trying to be offensive, they're trying to connect with you, and possibly praise the way you and your husband share responsibilities.

My guess is that the majority of people who ask if dad is "babysitting" are of an age where no amount of snarky or unsnarky explanation is going to change their vocabulary. So, why not stick with your first instinct and grit your teeth and nod your head?

Aren't there enough truly offensive things said without getting hung up on an unfortunate turn of phrase?

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Manjari — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:15:56 GMT

This always bothers me too. My husband works full time, and I am home with the kids. When he's here, there is no difference between the way he parents and the way I do, aside from personality differences in the way we play, etc. The kids have TWO parents. Our relatives on both sides comment on how involved he is, what a great dad he is, etc. when he bathes them, feeds them, changes their diapers. He really is a great dad, but I feel like asking if I am SO AMAZING for doing those things too!

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Brett Singer — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:06:49 GMT

do people still say that? Obviously they do but I'm surprised. I guess I need to talk to more dumb people.

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Em — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:46:19 GMT

This reminds me of a time when I was out shopping while my husband was home with our son. I was in a kid's clothing store, and a lady got a phone call from her husband while checking out. She told the sales person she had to hurry, because she had to get home to change the baby's diaper.

So, while my husband parents, apparently some don't even babysit!

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Erika — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:45:27 GMT

You hit on one of my biggest pet peaves. I agree 100%. Thanks!

re: Why Daddies Don't Babysit

Ashley — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:37:32 GMT

I LOVE it! Preach it sista!