Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

MagBubbles — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 14:33:38 GMT

"Being a mother is possibly the single most life-changing event that a woman (or man) will experience. "

Statements like that are what the auther considers to be narcissitic and frankly, so do I. There are many women that for one reason or another (that is no one's business) that can't or don't want to have children. Mothers constatly saying it is the greatest thing any woman can experience cause a lot of pain for the women that will never have a child. It also makes all those very proud and involved fathers out there feel like thier experience is not comparable. I am always very careful not to allow my joy of being a mother downplay the happiness my husbands feels as well.

To me the article was saying that many mothers have become very insesitive to all the great things that people do in this world. Motherhood, to me, is simply a force of nature and should not be shoved down everyone's throats as the single greatest thing. What are you saying to all the ones who will never experience it? That they will never know total and complete statisfaction in life? That they are doomed forever to only know a fraction of what true happiness is? That is what's narcissitic. Write and read your Motherhood literature to your hearts content but do the world a favor and gain a little perspective.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

Absolutely Bananas — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 20:52:20 GMT

Interesting post.

I read the Newsweek article and have strong feelings about it. What purports to be an article about one woman’s disdain for a media-hyped battle between stay-at-home moms and working moms when read closely is actually more about the author’s dislike for mommy literature and topics in general. And this I can’t agree with.

When put up against other best-selling (and often vapid) topics– romance, murder, science fiction– I personally think that mommy topics, including the struggles of modern day parenting and the moments of insight that come with them, are equally interesting. And they’re MORE relevant to me, because I happen to be a mom.Sure there’s books that are poorly written and over hyped. But show me a genre where this ISN’T the case.

If it’s narcissistic to WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW then every good author in the world is guilty as charged.

If it’s narcissitic to enjoy characters who are going through similar experiences to yours, I’d say 95% of the reading world should start worrying.

I find it ridiculous that Kathleen Deveny writes an article in a major magazine in which she implies and in some cases outright states that

1) talking about being a mom is boring and a waste of print

2) parenting in this century is uninteresting, at least as it applies to moms

3) the struggles that women deal with when balancing work and motherhood should be dealt with in quiet, without discussion or comment. It’s “BORING”.

I absolutely agree that women need to stop tearing each other down for our parenting choices. But I also believe that what we’re doing, whether staying at home, working, or some hybrid, IS interesting. Being a mother is possibly the single most life-changing event that a woman (or man) will experience. As such it IS worth talking about. It IS interesting. And it certainly merits a place in the literary and news world.

(I also posted this comment on redsy.wordpress.com... but there seems to be more debate here)

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

MagBubbles — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 14:32:58 GMT

Jenseju, you took the words right out of my mouth. There is nothing more to say I think.

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re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

jenseju — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 18:00:49 GMT

Oooh thank you Sprudel!!!!!

This whole mommy-wars/women vs women thing is SO sad. Like, when a friend starts working out and loses weight and gets a makeover, our so-called compliment to her is "I hate you!"

I look back with fond nostalgia at my own childhood, where all the mommies on the block helped each other.

And really, why are Americans so obsessed with one-size-fits-all/Holy Grail/magic bullet/miracle drug solutions anyway???? As long as you love your kids and take decent care of them, it's not anyone else's business HOW you raise them.

There are almost as many successful parenting styles out there as there are parents. I wish everyone would just... chill the fuck OUT, already.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

roxannex — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 00:28:01 GMT

Sprudel,

I really related to what you said. I have had those same discussions, and it frustrates me. I didn't stop being a human being when I had a kid, and yet sometimes it's seems like how I parent is more relevant to other women than the ten billion other things about me that might me a good friend.

Sometimes I feel that women have taken a big step back in perpetuating this competitive mommying (or buying into the media's perpetuation of it). It seems like we're so concerned about being the BEST MOM EVAH!!!! that we lose sight of who WE are and what makes us happy and fulfilled. I think there is a happy medium, which I try to strive for.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

sprudel — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 20:34:57 GMT

personally, i'm really sick of all the media's attempts at pitting women against each other. i just saw a commercial that pitted blondes against brunettes, and i bet i could find 10 different examples of this in an hour of TV alone. the media preys on our insecurities, and they will continue to do so, and parenting is a subject about which my particular generation is very touchy. i have noticed that there is so much info out there about parenting, and so many "experts" telling us what to do. i find that the mommy wars are alive and kicking, even amongst my friends. i have a lot of friends into attachment parenting, and we can get into discussions about what is "natural" parenting (which attachment aprenting claims it is) till dawn, yet i claim natural parenting is what you intuit is best for your child, if you will be open to what your individual child needs. often, i feel excluded from a group with which i might otherwise have a lot in common, simply because i refuse to follow a prescribed parenting style. for instance, i was flamed off mothering magazine's motheringdotcommune. yes, the internet plays a huge part in these mommy wars, too.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

shesanangel — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 19:41:11 GMT

I think the people who get the most out of "discussions" like the formula vs. breastmilk one (that I read pretty thoroughly, but didn't post on) are those who don't have as strong a viewpoint on it.

And roxannex is right, they often are less debate and more shouting match. Most of those who did post have a completely formed opinion on the matter, and aren't looking for another one.

The unsubtle tactics of a few to force a change in others attitudes by vociferous verbal attacks at the other side's ability to parent "properly" are regretful, at best. But they did serve as a good way to get those strong points across to those who didn't have an opinion, some of whom may have been able to form a more complete view of their own after reading.

And now a lot of us know what subject to avoid if we don't want to get yelled at. ;)

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

WorkingDad — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 18:26:40 GMT

Interesting points. I think the war over the Mommy Wars is itself often shallow. Many stories that mention the Mommy Wars get flamed for focusing on such a superficial, some say media-elite generated, phenomenon. In fact, plenty of these articles delve into deeper issues, such as the self-imposed and cultural pressure parents are under, at the same time work hours are rising. There is plenty of fluff out there, but this debate also sparked some decent reporting on parenting in the 21st Century.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

PunditMom — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 12:36:59 GMT

As long as Newsweek and other major pubs think they can get a rise out of moms with the topic, they're going to continue. After all, it sells magazines, doesn't it? I'm so done with the Mommy Wars, but I suspect advertisers aren't.

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re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

PutYourFlareOn — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 20:11:41 GMT

Redsy, I agree with you that the "mommy wars" can be enlightening and empowering. I come away with a new perspectives on new subjects and sometimes choose to use those ideas in my everyday mothering tasks. I don't understand why everything has to be taken so personally? In the end you know what is best for your own kid.

I was drawn in by the formula ban debate and ended up posting about it and opening a new discussion with people who read my blog. We had a very open and friendly discussion about things. No warring at all. And breastfeeding can be one of the hottest things mamas "war" about.

And I agree with what Chyna823 said, we need to be support each other and not trying to pick each other apart. But it's easily said then done.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

Jane — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 20:07:17 GMT

I think the point is that it's indulgent on some level. I don't think we should be dutiful and stoic in the tradition of parents generations before us. But when we express ourselves and assert ourselves, we should have some degree of awareness that women today have more opportunities and more choices than ever before, and that as a nation, we're very wealthy. To keep things in perspective. I don't think the message is: "shut up and be happy". Rather it's: "be aware that there's a whole universe outside of your personal sphere."

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

chyna823 — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 19:10:51 GMT

I agree with roxannex--the "Mommy Wars" offer very little conversation. Instead, it's just people yelling at each other and belittling each other's choices. It makes me sad, really, because how can we expect corporate America to support mothers (and parents in general) if we can't even support each other?

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

roxannex — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 19:00:19 GMT

Also, although I dragged myself into the awful formula vs. boob thread (that I can never seem to stay away from), I would not call that much of a debate. A debate implies that people are listening to one another and considering one another's viewpoints. Everyone in that thread alreadu had his or her mind made up long before posting.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

roxannex — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 19:00:18 GMT

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

Dawn — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 18:58:49 GMT

At the very least, when I read a debate (like the formula ban), it shows me a different point of view - and at least being aware of a thought that's not my own keeps my foot out my mouth a little more often. (Just a little.)

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

roxannex — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 18:54:20 GMT

Actually, I totally disagree. My family's income depends on the internet, and I am online far too much for both work and play. But the judgments that I have seen (and sometimes given) over the internet have not enriched my life in any way. They have made me feel that other women secretly judge me and that I should be wary of other women. And that is very sad, because I need the support of other women and I want to give my support.

I really liked Babble when I first saw it. I was a longtime Nerve reader. But it seems like everytime I see Babble now there's another article or blog entry about how I'm warping my kid. I can't tell you how refreshing the stoner article was...not because I've ever gotten stoned around my kid...but because it's nice to read about imperfect parents, which I truly think we all are.

The mommy wars aren't based on reality. It's very easy to deride other people's parenting over the internet because no one can see what you're really doing!

I've been trying to figure out how to take a hiatus from the internet pretty much because of the mommy wars. I worry about my parenting and my kid enough already without strangers telling me how I'm doing it all wrong.

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

Rachael Brownell (Redsy) — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 17:55:08 GMT

Point well taken. Not everyone loves confrontation as much as I. Nevertheless, I think we often dismiss mommy wars when in fact there *are* real and useful discussions taking place under the aegis of warring (really it's just good old fashioned debate)

re: Who's Afraid of the Mommy Wars?

selfmademom — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:41:18 GMT

I'll give you that the article was 100% fluff. But I question whether or not the debates, or so called, "mommy wars" really make us parent better. I think parenting is very personal and I look at the internet as a place to have discussions rather than get advice. But that's me. I think the debates occurring in this space online may be fun and educational for some, but I'd like to stay out of confrontation where possible. I get enough grief from my toddler son than to have to deal with it from strangers online!