Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

re: Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

creative-type dad — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 00:35:32 GMT

Nobody warns you about this before becoming a parent.

So wrong...! (just kidding)

Happy Valentine's Day, New Friend!

Strollerderby — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 16:42:39 GMT

Having difficulty finding kindred pals now that you're a parent? You are not alone. Several comments

re: Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

wee — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 16:12:30 GMT

I also wanted to say this: My son has attended two preschools. Each time I left a calling card with an invitation for a play date in the folders of each of my son's class mates. At his first school, I repeated this gesture later in the year. I have NEVER gotten a callback. I know that the parents recieved the card. i don't know why they won't call. Its really broken my heart. The only reason I thnk we even have playdates now is because I asked my son's teacher to help us out.

re: Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

wee — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 16:01:37 GMT

When I was 21 I became a mom. My kid is now 5 and I have not made a single friend with kids. In fact, because we've moved, I hardly have any friends at all (within driving distance). I've invited so many people for play dates, given out my number, but there haven't been any takers. For five years! I thnk its also because I don't fit into a click. I'm fun, intelligent, interesting, and capable of being a great friend. However, I'm also 27 and look even younger, I work from home and paint, I'm not religious. I'm also not an extremeist when it comes to parenting or lifestyle. I sort of follow the attatchment rules, but I'm not nearly as hard core (or judgemental) as a lot of the attatchment parents I've met. Now that my kid is 5, some of my other friends are starting to have kids. That helps a little bit. But the age difference between our kids is huge. Now that my son is starting kindergarten he's at least been invited to a couple of playdates and parties.

Without a doubt this lonliness has been the hardest part of parenting for me. My self esteem has suffered. I often have felt like a bad parent because my kid didn't have friends because I didn't have friends. I worried if I was a bad role model. I've cried a lot over this.

Now I know that my son will be ok. I still wish I had friends with kids. But oh well. At least my son has friends. I keep trying..but its hard.

re: Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

AmyinMotown — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:33:50 GMT

This has been the hardest part of parenting for me. We don't fit into a "type"--we're not fully crunchy attachment parents, nor are we strict or materialistic enough to fit in with the other end of the spectrum. We're religious, but liberal, I work, but part time from home; we aren't rich enough to fit in with the spanking-new Subuaru-driving BoBo crowd that lives in our area but too rich to fit in with our pals who drive ancient Honda Civics. I had a conversation with my husband the other day that trying to find parent friends is like trying to find a niche in high school--the social strata are so rigid. I feel like people judge us by: Do we share the exact same parenting philosophies? Are our kids complementary? Do we share the exact same views on working vs. staying home, drinking and how much, what's appropriate to spend money on and what isn't? Is our "look" sufficient? Post high school, pre-kids, I have had little trouble making friends. Now? I haven't made one new Mom friend is the two years I have been one. Which makes it even worse, because I am so convinced of my unlikeability I hardly even bother anymore to meet other parents. I have always gotten along well with guys, ut when I meet a dad at kid-focused things I feel afraid he's going to think I am hitting on him, so I don't bother.

Thank God for my single friends, one of whom said in pure bafflement "But you're so awesome!" when I tearfully told her about how lonely and friendless I felt.

And just like high school, I think so much of this is about feeling insecure and trying to find your identity. I don't often hear parents of older kids talking about this (of course, I don't know that many)but the weird rigidity with which people choose their friends at this stage of parenting is so troubling to me.

Thanks for the post. It makes me feel better that people who are cool enough to write for Strollerderby also experience this. Anyone in SE Michigan have a toddler and want to meet up for a Momtini (TM)?

re: Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

Latia — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 03:35:27 GMT

I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM!!!!

My boyfriend and I are unmarried, interracial, in college, liberal, open to all cultures and peoples, and 21.

Needless to say, we go against everything is the deep South that we live in.

The older, more conservative parents judge us because of our age and our marital status...

The people closer to our age still haven't grown up yet...they still party, act promiscuous, DRINK and smoke around their kids, and most have said (TO MY FACE) anti-Semitic and racial comments during play dates.

Amazing.

We are (mostly) sane people that just want to know that there are other parents that want to raise their kids the best way that they can...while going on the occasional dinner/zoo/camping trip...

Sheesh!

Yes, there should be a dating site for parents to meet other parents.

I've tried one: www.meetup.com...but my town is kinda small, the groups are rather small, and they meet on weekdays (which is tough b/c we work/go to school), and aren't too dad friendly...

But if you live in a larger city, i suggest you try it-it seems to have really big Mom groups in PA, CA, and NYC...

Oh, and if anyone lives in or near Greenville, SC, shout me a holla.

Maybe our kids can play together.

Heck, I'll even bake for this momentus occasion.

re: Friendless with Kids: Trying to Find Your People Can Be Tough

crunchy carpets — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 22:57:47 GMT

We have one couple friends who had kids.

We have a couple of acquaintance families..but don't really have much in common other than breeding so we don't really hang out.

i have to say I actually enjoy my childless friends more.

With my parent friends I always sense the specter of 'judgment' and 'comparison' lurking near by.

Camping with them almost killed us.

My best childless couples are those that still actually KNOW what kids do and what parenting is like.

They at least are sympathetic. They let me get the kid talk out of my system and onto the fun stuff.

For parent stuff it is usually around the playground with the neighbours and preschool parents.

Maybe there should be dating agencies set up for parents to meet other parents.