Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Grandma G — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:21:58 GMT

I agree with the other Grandma -- I've been reading all these comments with some degree of appreciation hoping to be a better grandma and MIL. I also agree w/her -- have you DIL's tried having a loving, respectful discussion w/your MIL's?

I have 3 sons -- no dtrs. I love and respect all 3 of my DILs and try to be on my toes thinking ahead about anything I say or do. Sometimes I really feel that this MIL bashing is a "sport" like -- lets get together and bash our MIL's -- that is so hurtful. If you have a son(s) -- remember--- one day -- YOU are going to be a MIL-- think about how YOU hope to be treated and thought of by YOUR DIL. Your life's partner also has a mother---deserving of the same consideration, love and respect as YOU give YOUR mother. Why should YOUR mother be anymore important or thought of than HIS mother?

My MIL has passed away -- I loved her very much and actually got along better w/her than my own mother. We sometimes had our differences but we talked about them and always hugged and told each other how special each was when we got things lined out. I LONGED to have a dtr of my own -- YOU my DIL's are the dtrs I never had the priviledge of having. Thank you for allowing me to share in your life in a special way --- I will NEVER be your birth mom -- but YOUR BONUS MOM--I love you--you are the woman my son picked to share his life with .

Some of these comments sound like somehow grandchildren are MORE the girl's mother's grandchildren than they are the guy's mother's grandchildren ---- what????? I think our sons had a part in creating these children!!!

One other thing --- REMEMBER In-Laws --- are on BOTH sides --- your husband may often have the same feelings about YOUR parents ----how would YOU feel hearing YOUR parents being bashed??? I know it is a difficult thing to balance family and extended family --- try to be fair to BOTH sets of parents--treat them equal. I know there are exceptions -- but for the most part -- WE (both sets of parents) love you BOTH, cherish our grandchildren and REALLY don't want to interfere in your lives--we have our own challenges to meet as we grow older. With a little prayer and "care" we can all encourage, support, love, honor and respect one another

and really make a difference in the lives of the little ones coming up --- YOUR children, OUR grandchildren.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Elle — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:33:08 GMT

Grandmanan: My mother in law (and father in law) lives, sleeps, eats, and lol well everything in the same house that me, my husband, daughter (2), son (9months), my sisterinlaw, and her boyfriend.. that's right, she's nuts..

anyhow, when i was pregnant with my daughter DH told me that she didnt really want us spending time together b/c she was afraid he'd get hurt.. (sure.. what woman WANTS a man to take care of her after being in an abusive relationship).. When the little miss was 6weeks old she TOLD me that we were moving in there..

She is obsessive about clean.. and bleach and germs etc.. and yet she feeds the kids cheezypoofs, candy, chocolate, etc etc etc..

She was abusive (both physically and emotionally) to her own children (hubby "doesnt remember"), and I understand that it generally ends up being a cycle.. (ie she did b/c it was done to her).. and she lies about the way she treats/ed her kids.. *and she tells me that i'm "neglectful"

I do love her.. I know that she means well, but I am afraid for my children when she gets upset..

a million times out of a million and one she SPOILS my kids practically to death, and she's been amazingly kind to us about our saving money etc..

We are very different people (i'm very huggy and loving.. and she once told me not to touch her "i dont like to be touched").. she's very secretive and often hubby talks to her about things and tells me that it's not my business even when it dirrectly involves me..

Sometimes I feel trapped, and I feel like she is dancing my husband around on strings.. I dont hate her, and I wish that we could be a bit more.. normal to eachother (it's hard to even have a basic conversation b/c it's all one word answers), this living together has strained our relationship..

<3 Elle

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Rachel — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 20:12:57 GMT

I may be a little late - but I just have to say thanks to everyone for this article and these posts! My mental state is better and much more light-hearted now that I've read them...Here's not all of the mom's out there with (assumingly) good-intentioned MILs, who just need to sit back and have a chuckle...We'll get through this, we're the moms...And with any luck, our children will grow up to be unaffected...

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Lynn — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 20:57:52 GMT

My neighbor told her parents every time they saw something they wanted to buy the children, to buy a savings bond instead. They have a tidy pile of these bonds awaiting college expenses.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

dk1038 — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 03:55:16 GMT

First, let me say that my in-laws are great, I love them. I am a hero to them since I gave them their first grandchild. They are loving, caring and attentive and I am thrilled at how involved they want to be in my daughter's life. My own parents are absent and pretty much toxic so I cannot say enough good things about the in-laws.

But, this likely won't get a lot of sympathy, dear MIL, please stop buying expensive outfits that will get a few wears at the most. I get sick seeing an $80 price tag on an outfit that I know is not useful for daily wear. I want you to keep that money for your retirement or for better things. And yes, I will stop telling you this because you've yelled at me a number of times that it is your perogative as a grandmother to make such purchases, and I understand that it is probably fun for you to go shopping for her, but please know that it really makes me uncomfortable and $15 outfits from Target are just as cute and she will grow out of them just as fast as the super cute dry-clean only dresses that you swear you must buy.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Doppelganger — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 23:19:17 GMT

My mom and MIL are both pretty good. We have the usual generational differences of opinion, which I'm sure I'll someday have with my kids ("Your doctor told you to put that baby to sleep on his tummy? Are you crazy!")

But a funny story from back when our first kid was a nursing newborn: My MIL was commenting on how often he ate and wondering if he was getting enough. (I could've gotten offended, I guess, but since I was secretly wondering the same thing it would have been hypocritical to get angry.)

Anyway, MIL is no doubt somewhat defensive about her own parenting choices (and kind of understandably so, because, hey, aren't we all?), and she pulls out that old saw: "All my kids were formula fed and they still turned out fine."

My husband overhears this, and from another room in the house, we hear his disembodied voice shouting, "No, I didn't!"

(Fortunately, she knew it was a joke. Mostly. Heh.)

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Mack Momma — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:50:18 GMT

Actually, my MIL has been awesome. She's helpful, caring, attentive, and firmly believes that I'm the momma and I get to make the rules. My problem is actually with my own mother, who seems unable to accept my parenting choices, though they are fairly mainstream these days (breastfeeding, cosleeping, no circumcision, etc).

My biggest pet peeve is pretending that the baby is actually the one criticizing you!

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Leah — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:54:36 GMT

There's no need for you to run off to your room crying, MiL, because I asked why my daughter's crying and holding up her fingers. She's at an age where she jams them in things, and I'm not accusing you of closing them in a drawer on purpose.

Really, the kid likes books. And yes, she likes to be read to in French, so use your handy proximity to French bookstores and that awesome European toy store with the awesome toys and stop buying junk from Walmart.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

LeighS — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:15:14 GMT

I feel quite lucky becasue my mom and my daughter's other grandmother both live about 15 minutes away from us, so they see her all the time. As your child gets older, they will (hopefully) come around to seeing that the things you do benefit your child, and make everyone's lives a little easier. Extended breastfeeding? Soon they'll be bragging that their grandchild has never had an ear infection. (yes, yes, I know that any kid can get them). Co-sleeping? Waituntil that child is independent and secure and happy as a result. But Iwill say this: I have never hesitated to throw out anything I didn't like. No plastic noisemakers of any kind, no Disney anything. They will get the message.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Tracey — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:23:04 GMT

I worry about how to tell my mother down the line that my son will not be staying overnight at her house. She and her husband live near a very busy road, they aren't as attentive because "I raised you and you're still alive..", if I ask her not to do things, she'll do them anyway and then apologize later (NO orange soda and cheesy poofs for my baby please!), and on and on. She rarely turns her cell phone on, she has no concept of baby gear, car seats, etc...

Does anybody else have this issue? How did you handle it?

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

kieransma — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:59:50 GMT

oh dear grandmanan- my folks and folks-in-law are 1000miles away and i would do anything to have them nag in person! tho', when they were down the street (so to speak) it DID drive me a bit crazy. i guess its all in the delivery- pun not intended. god bless ya' for even worrying about it. and my son adores everyone of his 'babas' and 'gammas'- that's what matters, i think.

i'm not pollyanna here- i got the garage sale goodies, the silliest sailor suit and my dad was convinced that little K. was going to dehydrate on breastmilk... 2 1/2 years later its kinda funny.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

kungfumama — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:58:09 GMT

Grandmanan - my kid's grandparents are great. We are very lucky that they're available to take care of her. I certainly tell them if they do something I don't agree with! But I'm also lucky that they don't nag me and tell me I'm doing things wrong. That would drive me crazy...

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Liz — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:56:19 GMT

Sorry, this is off topic, but...

To grandmanan: My mother-in-law was a wonderful, amazing person. We were very close, and honestly, I never felt oppressed or irritated by her (okay, maybe annoyed a tiny bit once or twice). So, it is possible to have a great relationship with MILs. You probably don't need to second-guess your DILs feelings toward you.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Heather — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:23:45 GMT

2 words that I think all you dollar store & garage sale haters forgot...CRAIG'S LIST. My mom became OBSESSED immediately upon my announcement that I was pregnant and now I am hesitant to tell her anything I want or need because her immediate response is to check there first. Even for formula, diapers, bottles, breast pump etc. Needless to say, she's 3000 miles away and doesn't need to know what I buy and where! It's to the point that I finally need things I don't have and I WANT to shop for them, not scour Craig's List for a used something or other.

We love them and they love us, but sometimes they make us CRAZY!!!

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

MomofBeans — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:47:24 GMT

When it is all said and done, I love my parents and my in-laws. I know they mean well, and just because they get on my nerves periodically, it doesn't mean I stop loving them. I am more likely to tell my own mom to butt out, because we have that kind of dynamic. I try to be a bit more tactful with my in-laws, because I remember the early days of my relationship where I had a much colder reception. The baby has made me a VIP, as she is the first grandchild. So some advice I take and some I respond to with "well, we're doing it this way." Although, I did one time snap at my FIL when he was trying to force a pacifier into my daughter's mouth (she doesn't like them, and therefor doesn't use one). He was arguing with me and I just lost my temper. Now he just keeps his mouth shut and demands to be the one to push her in the stroller (which I am fine with). I think my MIL is afraid of irritating me, so she's pretty careful about what she suggests. It must be said, though, that she was the biggest help when I was a week post-partum, crying from sleep deprivation, and alone at home with a baby I didn't really know how to take care of. The woman is a genius with the baby stuff.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

happysheisfaraway — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:34:42 GMT

It began with - no, I am not poisoning my baby by taking pain medication after my c-section, and I don't believe SIL did it without, whatever you remember...

Yes, I am STILL breastfeeding, at 3 months, 6 months, and yes, still now at 11 months... no, the baby does not need formula too, whatever SIL did was fine for her.

No, baby does not need to be slathered with diaper cream when she does not (and rarely has) any diaper rash. I'm sorry SIL's baby had bad diaper rash - they used a lot of it, and understand why you keep trying to prevent it on my baby.

Ditto with garage sales, solid food too early, and too much or too little clothing.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

grandmanan — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 01:38:10 GMT

Hope you guys don't mind if I participate (I'm a grandma & MIL). I really found this post & comments helpful ... And it looks like I've probably been guilty of annoying my DILs on occasion (with Dollar Store bubbles, and I forgot about the "no peanut butter until age 2" rule when I gave my grandson a peanut butter Ritz and I felt horribly guilty about it).

I do wonder now whether my daughter and DILs (whom I completely adore & respect) are thinking a lot of these types of things about me, and just being too nice to say it? Just curious -- have you actually shared your annoyance with "grandma?" I am thinking I should just open up a discussion with them about what I might be doing to annoy them.

And, is there a chance that some young moms actually love (or at least like) their MILs? I have been reading Daily Babble for awhile now and becoming paranoid that maybe there is just a universal innate dislike for MILs that DILs are just too nice to express face to face. Honestly, I have the awesomest DILs and count my blessings that my sons were smart enough to marry them. Am I deluded to think it could be mutual?

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

dw — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:52:01 GMT

I am NOT starving her. Just because she is crying does not mean she is hungry. Babies cry for a plethora of reasons... and sometimes it is for no reason at all. I will not feed her every time she cries just because you fed your son every hour on the hour.

You do not need to rock her to sleep. If you put her down in her crib, she will go to sleep on her own. I promise. Every night.

Please do not offer her cheesecake, brownies, or any other form of dessert. It does not matter that she does not want it, you should not offer it.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

trumanji — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:17:54 GMT

Please, lovely MIL, no tv for the 5 month old. Incidental, watching-the-news exposure I can handle. But parking him in front of baby genius crapola is not Not NOT ok.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

ah — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:23:32 GMT

Dear otherwise nice MIL (since I cannot say this to her face):

Don't call me "mean mommy" when I do something you don't agree with regarding my daughter. I don't call you "crazy, impatient, absent-minded grandma" now do I?

Don't browbeat me (unsuccessfully) into giving her food she cannot/should not eat yet.

Don't make her into a trained seal when you see her or guests come over. She will clap hands/wave/roll over/etc when she feels like it.

I made the law that no dollar store/tag sale toys are allowed. I was too late to avoid the highchair that came from the dump (she lied about it's origins).

No dogs in my baby's face, etc. I don't care if you think those psycho dogs/child replacements are A-OK.

MY daughter is not YOUR 3rd child.

Buckle my child into her car seat, do not merely "put her in it" without doing so. I cannot trust you do do this, why?

Things have come a long way since the 70's, and the fact that your kids survived YOU does not convince me of anything.

And my VERY biggest pet peeve right now: Don't give my baby anything you wouldn't put into your own mouth and suck on. That includes toys the dogs have chewed on/had in their mouths, unknown metals, magazines, newspapers, dirty utensils, fingers with Windex on them, age-inappropriate toys, etc. And don't look at ME like I'm crazy for telling you not to do that, please.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

coolteamblt — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:05:34 GMT

Oh god! I'm just pregnant and my MIL is hysterical I'm not doing a themed nursery. We're going with yellow stuff, but mostly a variety. My MIL called me and asked me how I felt about Winnie the Pooh. I said 'I like Pooh. Go ahead and pick up a onesie or something'. She brought home 11 onesies, three blankets, a set of crib sheets, two stuffed animals, and a set of chair pads (!?) all Winnie the Pooh themed. I told her I didn't want all of it, and she said "Well, you told me you were doing a Winnie the Pooh themed nursery, right?" I just about hit her after she pulled the same thing with Paddington Bear, jungle, fairies, hockey, and farm crap. I have enough garage-sale crap to theme up about six nurseries.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Mama Luxe — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:04:31 GMT

So, freaking true...

We are very lucky (and I do truly mean that) to have 3 great-grandmas and two grandmas on hand. And they are all fabulous women...but they all grew up in an era where doctors knew best.

I have to ditto the "No, she does not need water" one and the "please don't buy dollar store toys" one.

And no, she isn't deprived because she doesn't watch tv.

No, I don't need to weigh her after every feeding. The infant looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. I don't know how much she is eating, but I know it is enough.

The toddler does not need ice cream or cake. She thinks blueberries are candy.

Juice is not a necessary part of the child's diet.

Oh, and yes, she likes fruit, but if you insist on giving her 2 pints of fruit every time we visit, you change her diaper for the next 24 hours.

Baby will walk, talk, whatever when he or she is ready.

Those aren't slippers, those ARE real shoes.

Baby does not need a jacket in 70 degree weather.

No, I didn't ask the doctor...she is there for when baby is sick, not to find out if it is okay for her to go out in 70 degree weather without a jacket.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

hippygoth — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:53:25 GMT

It's far more my mother-in-law than my mother, but I did have to tell my mom once, "Look, when she moves from the co-sleeper to the crib, I'll let you know, okay? Please stop asking if she's in her crib at night yet!"

My mother-in-law, bless her, is always asking, "Did she wear that wool hat/pair of booties/fancy dress I bought for her yet?" and being very disappointed when the answer is, "No. Not yet."

And a million other little things. But I'm happy they both get to see her as often as they do, because I grew up seeing my grandparents all the time, and I love having those memories of them active and healthy.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Melissa — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:29:49 GMT

I read an old Dr. Spock book and they really did make formula out of stuff like canned milk and Karo syrup. It's all they had and nobody died from it. But thank goodness we don't have to do it anymore.

My mom was really good, but she did always think my breastfed baby wasn't getting enough milk. I guess because she couldn't see it. He was plenty chubby!

My MIL would always make little comments if I let the baby fall asleep on me or "held him too much." Hey, I'm not the one whose son was in bed with me until age 5!

Now that Michael is older, it's my dad's turn to give me discipline advice. "Remember. You're the boss." No, really?

It's all in love, but yes, it does get quite annoying sometimes.

re: Granny Manual: 8 Things Grandma Needs to Know About Babies

Maegan — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:18:25 GMT

MomofBeans:

I would think so. My ex's mom fed her daughter a mixture of Pet Milk and Karo Syrup because she claimed she wouldn't nurse. I bit my tongue; that was in the 70's and I had thought that formula was readily available by that time.

Needless to say, my bags of frozen breastmilk confused the hell out of her.