Babble

What a load of rubbish!  There have been previous generations that have been smacked continuously and they did not turn out to be dysfunctional.  Look at society today and compare it to previous generations and explain to me why children have less respect for their peers, parents and society in general?  It seems to me that pussy-footing around has created the world we live in now.  I was smacked by my mother, never my father, along with my siblings when we were children, and I am the least aggressive person you can find.  If anything I have great respect for people, especially my parents.  Sometimes I actually see parents being spoking to disrespectfully, and I see that their children have no respect for them because of how the parents deal with the situation.  I believe that you can discipline some children without the need to smack, and others actually respond to smacking.

LOAD OF RUBBISH, is giving a very mixed message. To paraphrase-- the previous generation of children behaved in a more respectful fashion because they were smacked, however some kids don't need smacking, others respond well to it... what is to be gleaned from this message? Violence typically leads to violence-- studies show this. I see some kids-- obviously fearful of their parent(s) who are not openly violet (but push or slap a sibling when no one is looking) however they are visibly cowed. Most of the kids on my block (and there are dozens from ages 1-10) are not openly hit by their parents. From talking with these parents, this in not part of their style of parenting. I see a mild spectrum of behaviors, from those who flout their parents authority a little, to some incredibly good listeners. I have to say, that most of the kids are pretty damn good. I also know parents who struggle with their own anger, which, not surprisingly, were raised by angry and/or physically violent parents. A few questions remain: * when a child does not respond to hitting, what then-- hit harder? * might the kid act out for attention? if so, would hitting work, or would they become inured to it? * would a respected teacher or caregiver be allowed to follow this smacking rule or is it only the parent who is obliged to hit? if not, what if the child only responds to smacking? what about consistency? * we all know hitting out of anger, or when one is out of control is bad, but what about a parent coming to a kid calmly and smacking them. This also seems like a mixed message. We are here to guide and teach our children to be humanitarians. Study war no more!

I am a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of a series of books--The Emotes.  The Emotes were designed to help kids and parents learn to identify, understand and express their emotions.  Let me begin by saying, PLEASE...NEVER hit your children.  I know that sometimes this can seem like the only way to communicate, but it is the WORST way to do so.  A child that is throwing a temper tantrum is overwhelmed with so many feelings, that they don't know what to do with them.  The child feels out of control.  When you hit your child, you are only showing a lack of control on YOUR part and you put your child in physical danger.  Try to help your child to slow down and get a handle on all of their feelings.   Reflect their feelings, "I know that you are frustrated right now", Encourage them to put their feelings into words.  When you mirror for a child their feelings, they will feel heard and understood...that's what children are attempting to do with a tantrum.  The child is trying to tell you that he or she is overwhelmed with feeling, and children with a limited emotional vocabulary will communicate this the only way they know how...freaking out and screaming.  When you respond to this with a similar reaction, it only fuels the emotional fire.  Thank you for your bravery and courage in sharing this story and for asking for help.  That is to be commended.  Please continue to reach out and learn more about handling your child's (and your) emotions.  I have written a book (Cant Loses His Cool) that is about temper tantrums.  Along with the books, their are toys that you can use to help kids put words to their feelings.www.emotes.com

 

  Ma'am, I am sixteen years of age, and corporal punishment was used on me as a child but only as a last resort. If I  wouldn't do what I was told I was wordlessly made to do it anyway, with my mother standing over me watching me. If I kept up with my behavior I was sat in a corner to be by myself and cool down. If that didn't work, I got a firm smacking on the butt.

   If I was whiny, my Uncle Rex would explain to me that "I can't hear you when you're whining", then ingnore me until I could calm down enough to explain how I was feeling. If I was whiny because I wanted something he'd ask "well, how does it feel to want?".  I understand that this had very little to do with the issue of smacking a child, my apologies for rambling and getting off subject.

  Corporal punishment was used on me, and I have turned out just fine.  I'm a good student, even though I get frustrated easily. I have learned to respect my mother. I very rarely backtalk, and always do what is asked of me, but most of the time I don't need to be asked, I do things that need to be done. 

    I also got my work permit the day I turned fourteen, I  work 20 hours a week, at eight-fifty an hour as a junior seamstress, and I use most of it towards my college education. My spare time is spent maintaining my Honor Roll status, practicing to make sure I can attain another blue medal for voice , practicing traditional Japanese dance, and learning my fifth language: Mandarin Chinese. 

  Oh, and I also have to maintain my portion of the farm: two ponies, six geldings, fifty chickens, three cows,  nine pigs, four dogs, two birds, and a barnful of cats. SO, to those of you that are completely against corporal punishment, and  believe that no good can come of it, take a look at the way I perform my life and rethink things.

  There is a difference between making a child realize you mean business, and abusing your child.  I learned that if I was a good girl things were happier, and I didn't get hit. Spanking is not a bad thing, and a little love-tap on the cheek is needed from time to time.

 Ma'am a smack on the butt, or a tap on the cheek will do no harm, just as long as it is as a last resort.

Truly,

a high-schooler

I disagree with you.  I have never, nor has anyone else ever hit my 2 yr old daughter.  When she is upset, she first starts clapping both hands together, then tries to "pat" (hit) at us.  No one knows where she got this.  She has only been with my husband and I and 3 grandparents, whom would never hit her, ever.  I think, 2 yr. olds are only human, and it comes natural in a way to be upset with someone and that is the first thing to do to get the point across that they are upset.  I tried ignoring it, but that was wrong, I now hold her arms down, hold her and use a stern voice, then I explain to never hit anyone ever.  Then I simply change the subject/environment and she forgets why she was ever mad.

Would you allow your child's teacher/daycare assistant to smack/spank her? I doubt it.

Why not? Well, because a teacher is supposed to be able to discipline not only one child but several at once, without resorting to violence.

So now we know it IS possible to discipline a child without physically harming them; we expect our childrens' teachers and caregivers to do it every day.

 So... why do parents need to be violent with their children even though they know it's not necessary? 

 Sometimes a smack is the only thing that works ... i would avoid smacking them in the face but take there had and say " now i am giving u a smack for being naughty" they quickly understand the reason for the smack and see that its not done in anger but rather as a result of thier own actions...this will be a protection for him / later  

well said my friend, anyone who critacises a parent for smaking needs one themselves! Some times children need to know your the boss.

 

next time take ger out of the car back into the house sit in a arm chair  pull het over your knee lower her panties or diaper and spank that little ass

 

yea and the best is to take them over your knee and smack that butt a few times

why did these people even have kids? that or the last four replies are a joke.

It is a frustrating transition when your 2 year old starts to exhert his/her own will.

At first I was reluctant to spank my daughter. I was fearful, but because I love her I choose to spank her when she willfully rebels. I believe time outs alone are not always effective in discipline.

However, hitting your child out of anger is very very wrong. I am not trying to be judgemental. What involved parent has not been at least tempted to hit out of anger. But it is wrong and it will give the wrong message.

This is what I do. When my daughter is willfully disobedient and does not change after a warning, I take her to a private place, with her facing me I spank her 3 times with a paddle. She then crys for about a minute. During her cry, I hug her. Then when she stops crying I ask her do you know why Daddy had to do that? And then I try to teach her.  Then tell her to say sorry. Then I say I forgive you. I love you and give her a kiss.

Afterwards she is happy and has a different attitude. The key in discipline, is the parent can't do it out of anger. The child should experience tears, and there should be love expressed

For the Time Out people, I say if that works for you and your child, then great. Do that. But I think most typical children would benefit from a spanking that was done without anger and with love.

 Dad

"Dad",

Thank you for your post. I found this while searching the internet for advice on my 2.5 year old son. I stayed home with him for 2 years but with the economy being the way it is, my family needed me to bring home some income.

We've figured out a way to be home with him as much as possible while both holding down full-time jobs. I am home with him Thursdays and weekends, my husband is home on Tuesdays, and he goes to childcare mon, wed, and fridays from 8-5. I hate that he has to spend so much time away from us, and I know that having an inconsistant enviornment can cause him to be a bit harder to control and it greives my heart to not be with him daily.

I found a pamphlet called, "The defense of biblical chastisement" which is a guide for proper corporal punishment according to the Christian bible...whether people follow the Christian faith or not, the pamphet has great information about how to enjoy your kids, train them, discipline them and punish them, if necessary. It says exactly what you said, that spanking when angry is immature, ineffective and wrong, but training through subtle physcial force and then re-enforcing the training when kids fall out of line by explaining they will receive discipline for it, gives them a simple way to understand right and wrong at such a young age. Time outs tend to fuel my son and make him stew in his own anger. When he comes out of it, he is still somewhat angry, and now he is confused about what just happened...but with the 'discipline' (which is what we call it...we say, 'You screamed at mommy, it is time for your discipline') he cries, which is actually a good thing, because it isn't in pain, we are not abusing or harming him...we use a tiny 'switch' that could never harm him because it is so flimsy...unlike our hand could if we misjudge our own strength...and afterwards we tell him we love him and hug him and it's almost like a cleansing process for him. He understands he did wrong, he had to pay for it, we love him and that's why we disciplined him and he can know he served his time and can do better next time. No one is teaching him it's ok to hit in anger....and we do discipline him this way even when he hits us because hitting in anger and disciplining are two very different things..kids recognize the difference.

So thanks for your words. I've only been doing this form of discipline for a few weeks and there are times when I question what I'm doing, but it is working and gives me an effective toold when we're in public or around other kids that I want him to live in peace with. I look around me and see a generation of kids who are emotionally confused and wrecked from ineffective parenting...I look at history and how healthy adults were raised. I ask advice and observe parents with great kids, because they probably do great things...kids now are killing themselves and eachother at rates higher than ever before...they are ignorant and rebellious because they didn't learn from and early age to respect anyone or anything but there own feelings and desires....and these attitudes don't start at puberty....it starts at 2 and 3...

 I think I'm in the minority of parents, but I discipline my child this way BECAUSE i love him...and no, I wouldn't want a daycare provider to discipline my child this way because that is not her/his job...I am the parent, I am the one who loves my child enough the discipline this way, and I am the one who needs to train him in the way he should go...I appreciate the daycare providers in my childs life and I know they are limited in what they can do, which is fine. I'm the parent, they are my childs guide, protector, teacher and friend till I return. They have to let things slide sometimes for the sake of the group...luckily, I don't have to do that and can be the heavy in his life, out of love.

This is long...but I wanted to let you know, "Dad", that your post encouraged me and I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because I love my son...and I agree with you, if timeout works for other people, great! The goal is to be a good parent who is raising a child to be a great adult....and whatever method works to do that in a healthy way is fantastic. I am not here to judge anyone, just share what works for me.

To the original writer of this post, If I were you, I would refrain from smacking my child's face...and I would refrain from hitting in the heat of the moment. That moment in the car would have been a great opportunity for training...a gentle tap on the hand with a warning a discipline will have to come next if she doesn't listen. Giving your child the right to decide when she's ready to sit, gives her too much power. She needs to sit when you're ready to go. We give our kids too much power, too young...that's why they end up out of control later. Good luck.

Thanks to the people who have offered advice and have kept mean hearted comments to themselves. As parents we need to build eachother up cause we're all in this boat together.

-KS

Speaking the Truth!

Its a well known fact that children will behave with strangers or someone who is not their parent. They will especially behave with a teacher cause they dont want to be looked upon unfavorably or they dont want to be embarrased.  I have to agree with the 16 year old who wrote in.  I was spanked but I was also shown lots of love and I dont hate my parents, I didnt turn out to be a serial killer, and I dont abuse my own children.