Excerpt: Free-Range Kids
When judgemental moms attack.
by Lenore Skenazy
June 2, 2009
Oh, and second of all, no one else would have noticed this little drama and perhaps said, "Uh . . . stop"?
This eagerness to distrust each other, and even find glaring fault with each other, means that it's hard for moms and dads to ever relax. If the only good parent is a parent who never leaves their kids' side — not even to run to the back of the store for
a can of tuna fish — then it's very easy to spot the bad ones. They're the ones who let their kids walk to school, or stay home alone for an hour. They're the ones inside while their kids play in the yard. They're the ones making their teenagers get themselves
to their activities, or even jobs. Things that previous generations did without a moment's hesitation — or tragic outcome — have become grist for the gossip mill.
"I let my eight- and ten-year-old sons bike the three blocks to a friend's house," a mom named Amy wrote to
the Free-Range Kids blog. "But when they returned, their friend's mom insisted on accompanying them back home through our very safe neighborhood, 'just in case.'" The lady was sending Amy a message: Your mothering leaves something to be desired.
There's no high like self-righteousness.
Sometimes the message is even more direct. A woman named Jess wrote that now that she lets her fifth grade son walk the five blocks to school — with a friend — her neighbor won't let her children go to Jess' house to play anymore. To this neighbor, says
Jess, "I am a bad mother. I try not to let it get to me, I think I am anything but. I love my children and like all mothers, and only want the best for them." But Jess' definition of "best" includes sometimes untying the apron strings. Other mothers find that
tantamount to child abuse.
Blame and fear are like Mean Girls. They pal around together and make everyone else feel dumb and self-conscious, or at least like they're going to end up eating alone in the lunchroom if they don't suck up.
GOING FREE-RANGE TIPS:
FREE-RANGE BABYSTEP: When you're about to remind a mom or dad about some extremely unlikely danger their child might face — a danger they are probably just as aware of as you are— hush.
FREE-RANGE BRAVE STEP: Volunteer to watch the kids who are waiting with your own kid for soccer to start, or school to open — whatever. Explain to the other parents that you're offering them a little free time.
If they say no thanks, ask them to watch your kid.
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR FREE-RANGE KIND: The next time you make a parenting decision that you're worried other moms or dads will find too lax, don't keep it a secret. Admit that you left your daughter home alone while you went grocery shopping.
Admit you sent your young son out on an errand. Talk about these things so that other parents can open up, too. It could be they'll jump on you. (There's no high like self-righteousness.) But it's also possible that they do the same things you do, and feel
very guilty about it. Blamers thrive on shame. Take away their power. Do not be ashamed of making parenting choices based on who your kid is, rather than what the neighbors will say.
Excerpted from the book Free-Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy. © 2009 By Lenore Skenazy. Reprinted with
permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
©2009 Lenore Skenazy and Babble Media
About the Author
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Lenore Skenazyis a syndicated columnist. She has written for everyone from Mad Magazine to The Times of London, and been a commentator on NPR, CNBC and The Food Channel. She lives in New York City with her two sons and husband, all of whom think she is NOT "America's Worst Mom." ("America's Worst Housekeeper"? That's another story.) |
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