-
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Both my husband and I work outside of the home, but I can completely relate to the idea of resentment. I work full-time, have a 2 hour commute, and still make dinner everynight, help with homework, and do all the crap to get ready for the next day. I know my husband contributes, but sometimes it just feels like a one-woman show. Perhaps I am part of the problem, though. I am going to take a page from your book and try this weekly meeting idea!
posted by : StressedMom on 1/22/2009 at 8:11 AM Flag For Abuse
-
Oh wow... we are in therapy (and it's going well) for many of the same reasons you cite in your essay. Interestingly, I too come from a military family background, which has arisen recently in therapy -- I am of the "put up, shut up, just do it" mentality. So I dig in my heels and take whatever comes my way - I play the tough guy. Therapist says, "you appear to have a very strong sense of duty." You bet! Husband? Not so much. We are working thru it. Only criticism I have about what you wrote is: What's wrong with spaghetti for breakfast?? Seriously! (It's one of my daughter's faves - better than Ritz crackers, which is her back-up plan!)
posted by : BBBGMOM on 1/22/2009 at 10:45 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I was so happy to see this! My husband and I have been married just over three years. We have two daughters, a two year old and a nine month old. He works full-time and I am in grad school and doing my internship and stay home with the girls the rest of the time. Since my earning potential will be higher, our plan is for me to work while he stays home for a few years, probably until both girls are in school. Honestly, he already does most of the cooking and does his share of the laundry and cleaning and childcare. While my working while he's a SAHD sounds ideal for us, I've wondered if it will work as well as I hope. Thank you for writing this article! It gives me some more things to think about as graduation approaches and we try to decide what our next step is as a family. It was especially helpful since we don't personally know any families where the dad stays home and the mom works.
posted by : 2girlsin2years on 1/22/2009 at 11:02 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I think you have put in plain perspective what many people overlook or take for granted. Marriage is ALWAYS a constant re-organization of priorities and objective compromise. Today's roles for parents and partners are in constant flux. Needs, wants and realities change. The sooner we confront those changes together the better off we'll all be. Beautiful piece written from the heart! I applaud your courage and insight.
posted by : TwoTonTommy on 1/22/2009 at 11:04 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I completely identify with your frustration, as I'm sure most women in one-wage couples where the woman is the wage-earner do. Letting go of expectations/ control, or adjusting expectations, is so difficult. The most useful advice anyone ever gave me about parenting is that everything is a stage. I probably would have benefited greatly if someone had told me the same thing about marriage. This new stage of your marriage and family life sounds very loving - you are trying to be good to each other - rather than look for somewhere to complain. You go girl! And when you're in the next stage, keep trying to find ways to get back to that loving feeling.
posted by : Longtime working mom on 1/22/2009 at 11:19 AM Flag For Abuse
-
What a refreshing article about a real life family dealing with real life hurdles who are redefining their roles as parents, as husband and wife, as individuals and so forth. There are no playbooks nor rules to follow. The author and her husband are clearly evolving as a family and couple and have found a way to reinvent themselves to deal with the stresses that life produces. Not to be diminished is the reality that both the author and her husband are on board with working towards solutions to their stresses rather than staying in their corners of the house and remaining divided. What this article clearly affirms is the definition of partnership, love and a sense of humor along the way.
posted by : NRGMUSE on 1/22/2009 at 11:22 AM Flag For Abuse
-
While I applaud your ability to work things out with your husband, I also wonder if there is something deeper going on as things don't sound quite right. As someone who stayed home with three children from the time they were born until the last was in K, there wasn't ever a time the kids didn't get their shots or the floors weren't vacuumed. In addition, while doing ALL the finances, ALL the laundry, MOST of the cooking, ALL of the cleaning, and ALL of the childcare while my husband worked, I also started an at-home business. Though I have battled loneliness and desperation of my stay-at-home status, rarely did I slip in my duties. Is it possible your husband is/was depressed on some level?
posted by : concernedreader on 1/22/2009 at 12:56 PM Flag For Abuse
-
I'm a single girl living in Brooklyn, happy as a clam, and I must admit my floors don't always get vacuumed as promptly as they should--is something not quite right with me? Of course not! We all have different priorities, and maybe for this writer's husband, singing songs to the kids trumps running the vacuum.
posted by : Williamsburger on 1/22/2009 at 1:03 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Every child is different, every parent is different, and even in two-income households there are resentments of duties and roles. Well done getting to the reality behind closed doors that we never dicuss at our few social outtings!
posted by : get real about parenting on 1/22/2009 at 1:34 PM Flag For Abuse
-
My husband is a SAHD and I know lots of SAHMs and a few other SAHDs. The writer hit so many things on the head. Leaving your child with your husband is about so much more than the child - it's about giving up ALL kinds of power or control that you had or thought you had before, and learning how to do it lovingly and with grace.It can be done though, and how it gets done varies greatly depending on the family.
posted by : shmatbert on 1/22/2009 at 2:03 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Nice article. It's not just about the gender roles and division of labor; it's about the desire to control everything that's out of your control. And then play the martyr. I recently started sharing some responsibilities I had 'taken over' because otherwise 'they wouldn't get done' and found out that my husband had been truly offended by my power grab and obvious condescension toward his abilities. I felt so bad for having done it and relieved, as you said, to share the burdens again. It's just so important to keep talking.
posted by : Joanie on 1/22/2009 at 3:09 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Bad Parent? You (and your husband) identified a problem and worked to address it to the benefit of you both as well as your children. I'd say that's a Good Parent.
Good luck!
posted by : mrb on 1/22/2009 at 3:15 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Sounds to me like equal division of labor wasn't the problem, it was inequal division of labor - something that the writer addressed when she and her husband finally sat down together and got on the same page. She was trying to not only be the breadwinner, but do a lot of the tasks of a stay-at-home parent.
I identify with the writer. As hard as it can be, I've learned to back off from my husband to let him learn how to parent our daughter. There are a few things he doesn't do as well as I do but there are just as many things that he does better. Once you give your husband credit for being a fully-functioning and capable adult, you give him to opportunity to rise to the occasion.
posted by : WhitSinHud on 1/22/2009 at 3:22 PM Flag For Abuse
-
i hope the author was exaggerating for effect what a lax dad her husband was (is?). not taking your kid to the doctors or buying them clothing goes beyond any Mars/Venus difference between men and women.
posted by : widmerpool69 on 1/22/2009 at 3:44 PM Flag For Abuse
-
i really liked and appreciated this article -- very thoughtful and honest and captured so well with such revealing details what was going on. one thing i wondered about was why you were both so opposed to some outside childcare. we have had incredible babysitters, and i feel grateful for them and for how my children understand that many adults can love and take care of them. there have been intances when our sitters or daycare teachers have been great teachers for us, too, as parents. i find that it's hard to be a good parent when i am exhausted and cranky, so with some help and getting a break, i am much better able to be the parent i want to be. i would much rather have someone else help me out than turn into the cranky, impatient, and even unkind person i can be when i feel overwhelmed or exhausted or just out of patience. perhaps whoever is staying home with the kids ought to get a little break here and there -- maybe 4-6 hours/week to go for a run, get a coffee with a friend, or just be on his/her own enjoying some solitude.
posted by : chicago mom on 1/22/2009 at 4:00 PM Flag For Abuse
-
This is a very helpful article. I am going to propose the weekly meeting idea with my husband (fingers crossed!). I work part-time, and he works full-time, but we often argue about responsibilities, dinner, pretty much anything. It's pretty funny how something so little (our little one) can change our lives so much!
posted by : Cleveland mom on 1/22/2009 at 4:11 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Well done. I appreciate the honesty. It takes a lot to let go of the image each of us holds of being a mom. There is no such thing as perfect.
posted by : MOMTRENDS on 1/22/2009 at 5:37 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Thank you. I'm pregnant with our first and our plan is that I'll go back to my lucrative and fulfilling job while my husband stops working outside the home at his badly compensated and physically demanding job to care for our child. I can see us, especially me, making some of the same mistakes, and I really cherish your honesty. I hope I can hold onto the meaning of what you've said in the days and months ahead.
posted by : xxcaro on 1/22/2009 at 9:34 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Great article! It takes a lot of courage to be so honest with an issue that so many families struggle with.
posted by : impressed on 1/22/2009 at 11:04 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Thank you for this! As a current SAHM (I plan on going back to work when my baby turns one) I can easily identify with both you and your husband's plight. For the longest time I felt "guilted" into taking on ALL of the household duties and subsequently became resentful and unhappy. I think secretly my husband wishes he could stay at home, but alas I do not have his earning capacity and the financial burden has fallen solely on his shoulders. All marriages could take a little bit from this story. There should never be a strict division of labor (ie: working inside the home or outside the home) rather a symbiotic partnership that ensures EVERYONE'S physical and emotional needs are met.
posted by : Wynter08 on 1/23/2009 at 10:33 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I can completely relate to the author here. My husband is a SAHD and I felt myself resenting not being able to stay home myself just b/c I had the better job. So after some talking we decided that I would stay at home one day a week and he would work that day so I could have some more time with our daughter. Even though it's less money our sanity is gold. What a difference a day makes!
posted by : jbha on 1/23/2009 at 4:01 PM Flag For Abuse
-
What a wonderful, timely article. Love the idea of the weekly meeting.
posted by : cocoa on 1/24/2009 at 12:37 AM Flag For Abuse
-
I can totally relate!!! Thanks for sharing your story!
posted by : california mom on 1/25/2009 at 3:27 PM Flag For Abuse
-
This article rocks. It came at just the right time for us too. What a simple and elegant solution! Will have to try this in our house too. Thanks!
posted by : blueeyes001 on 1/25/2009 at 5:13 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Seems like you do not have an equal sharing of responsibilities in your marriage. You have the traditional marriage (breadwinner + homemaker) with the roles reversed (woman breadwinner + male homemaker).
posted by : Rolereversal on 1/27/2009 at 12:32 PM Flag For Abuse
-
Great article. I don't think there is a couple alive these days that doesn't have to rethink and renegotiate their roles onece a child comes along. It's HARD! The workload is doubled for BOTH parents and if you don;t communicate you will inevitably think that the other person is not doing their share.
posted by : Don Mills Diva on 1/27/2009 at 1:28 PM Flag For Abuse
-
I don't know about this article. You seem like the working husband who didn't help much. He stays home to be with the kids, not to be your maid and chef. Many SAHMs get sympathy, but why couldn't your husband? I'm glad you eventually figured it out because you were not being fair to him. Many SAHMs have the mantra: It gets done when it gets done and women everywhere applaud them for keeping the kids first and not being subservient to our men. SAHDs should get the same respect!
posted by : SAHMto3kids on 2/9/2009 at 8:35 AM Flag For Abuse
-
One of the greatest injustices of previous generations has been the expectations working men have had of their wives. Taking care of the kids, the cooking, laundry, cleaning and running errands while leaving enough intimate time for reading, teaching, playing, loving. I remember fathers of friends coming home and being critical of their wives - complaining that something wasn't done, something was forgotten, etc.
Your article could have been written by a man in the 1950's struggling with his feelings for his wife - unable to find empathy because he never understood the actual struggle and fine balance of keeping the domestic responsibilities in line while also setting time aside to hang out and love on the kids.
As an 'at home' father raising two kids your article seemed like a confused attempt at personal clarity and very man-like. While I'm glad other readers can relate to your frustration - the article still reeked of harbored animosity.
It's incredibly difficult to raise kids and make sure all of your responsibilities are taken care of in the process. If you want to prevent your husband from daydreaming of divorce, be happy that he loves them and take on the challenge of empathy. Otherwise you'll be repeating the same mistake men have made for years and rescinding on some of the incredible strides made by women over the last few decades.
posted by : moonoo on 2/10/2009 at 11:35 AM Flag For Abuse
-
Great article. Some of this explains why my wife is so resistant to letting me stay home with our daughter. My wife has a great job and could easily support the family, and I could stay home with our daughter, but she seems to feel it is the woman's right to be home if either of us stay home. She already has tremendous guilt about missing so much time with our child (which seems to effect you as well), and feels she would become completely resentful of me if I were to stay home.
posted by : saddad on 2/17/2009 at 6:27 PM Flag For Abuse
