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Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you.
posted by : Anon on 2/26/2009 at 10:47 AM Flag For Abuse
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I was just about to write the same thing.
posted by : agreed on 2/26/2009 at 11:01 AM Flag For Abuse
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thank you, thank you, thank you!
No one talks about this... and I often fear I'm the only one. I would do anything, anything, for my baby, but it's taken me months to feel delighted by him.
When I talk to my mom she tells me how lucky I am, how he's the most perfect baby, how he's always a joy. When I say that he had a bad day or is grumpy she tells me I'm crazy or that I'm embellishing. It makes me feel like a terrible mother.
Being a mom is the most amazing, frustrating, thrilling, boring, magical, mundane thing I've ever done. Problem is, no one ever talks about anything but the amazing, thrilling, magical parts.
Thanks for being brave enough to be honest!
posted by : anonymom on 2/26/2009 at 11:39 AM Flag For Abuse
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yep
posted by : catmom on 2/26/2009 at 11:55 AM Flag For Abuse
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It was actually the reverse for me. I didn't want my son until the second he was born, but fell madly in love when I met him. It's still a tough story to tell, but one that needs to be told. Thank you!
posted by : coolteamblt on 2/26/2009 at 12:10 PM Flag For Abuse
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Kaylee was 5 months old when I finally started feeling "in love" with her. Before I didn't really feel much in general. Then she went the the hospital and we didn't know whether she's live or die and that sort of kicked my butt into reality. I then started reading and found that this happens more often than you'd think, that mom's don't bond as fast as you would think. Then life became more fun after that.
posted by : Pamala Ott on 2/26/2009 at 12:17 PM Flag For Abuse
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I like your writing a lot. That end made me get all teary eyed!
posted by : shoosh on 2/26/2009 at 12:20 PM Flag For Abuse
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I didn't resent my son at all, but I didn't feel that big rush of love until he was about 4 to 5 months old and developed a personality. Then I was just over the moon. Before then I just felt like I didn't really know who he was. He was like a little stranger who came to visit.
posted by : Melissa Andrews on 2/26/2009 at 1:00 PM Flag For Abuse
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It took me a long time to feel like a mother and even longer to really love my baby. My baby was a colicky, screaming nightmare for months on end, and looking back, I'm amazed we both came through the ordeal unscathed. I've always thought of myself as an emotionally stable person, but she really brought out the worst in me--and an anger I didn't even know I possessed. It was a good eight months before I really started to enjoy my baby and looked forward to seeing her smile and laugh. I really hate all those trite, feel-good mothering articles about instant joy, and perfect love and all that other crap. My daughter and I were strangers to each other for a long time, and it's only now that the true, unrequited love has finally emerged.
posted by : skinnymom on 2/26/2009 at 1:14 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think more people feel this way than not. The expectation that "maternal instinct" automatically kicks in and stays with you forever after is huge and noone talks about all of those self-doubts. I think people around me were horrified when I referred to my baby boys as Yoda and Grandpa Munster but it was my way of dealing with my shock that neither one even remotely resembled me after they were born. I was seriously PO'd that after all of my diligent care and efforts to bring them into the world, there was no sign of ME in there existence. Things changed, we all grew and developed into higher functioning individuals and I now have more endearing nicknames for them, and I think they are the most gorgeous beings on the earth, who still look more like their father, but I have gotten over it. They now call me Stinky Face so I guess what goes around comes around...
posted by : moms are human too on 2/26/2009 at 1:23 PM Flag For Abuse
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Great article, thank you so much for writing it and then for Daily Babble for posting it. I too felt the same way for months and had to learn how to love my little man. THANK YOU!!!!!
posted by : Anon on 2/26/2009 at 2:36 PM Flag For Abuse
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agree with moms are human too....
i think it's actually really common to not have a full bond until a few months.
i didn't really fall head over feels for my son until 5-6 months in when he started to be not just a tiny, helpless little baby and a bit more of a budding toddler.
it's not that i didn't feel an instinct to nurture. i did. i just didn't feel like he was the absolute, be-all, end-all of my universe right away. that took time.
i always laugh about the apocryphal stories about how "the first time i looked at my baby i felt this incredible surge of love..." blah, blah
the first time i looked at my son -- right when he came out -- i was definitely excited, but i think the first actual thought was "oh my god, he's a conehead'.
his head, of course, popped into regular shape over a few weeks and over a few months i developed my unconditional love for him.
posted by : K2 on 2/26/2009 at 3:03 PM Flag For Abuse
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I had the same experience as coolteamblt. My pregnancy was planned, but I was shocked--and not in a good way--when I realized I was pregnant. I cried for 3 days, and it took me a long time to be happy about it. But when the baby was born I was over the moon. I don't think it's at all surprising that it takes many people some time to bond with a newborn. It's such a shock to the system.
posted by : lily on 2/26/2009 at 3:11 PM Flag For Abuse
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This was a great read- It makes me feel so much better that other women feel this way! I am so tired of these "magic-moment" life-changing baby stories.
posted by : the grumbles on 2/26/2009 at 3:48 PM Flag For Abuse
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This was beautiful; thanks for writing it. "It's okay to hate these things but still love your baby" (paraphrase): so true, so often how I and many moms I know feel.
posted by : ChiLaura on 2/26/2009 at 3:50 PM Flag For Abuse
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uh huh. Totally. Babies are hard. Nobody really admits to the dark moments of feeling "shackled." (I used that exact term after my second was born.) There were times when I literally felt like I had lost ability to move freely around in the world, which, of course, was exactly what had happened. What a shock to discover that thirty some years into your successful, independent life, you could no longer go to the bathroom or eat a sandwich without first figuring out the impact that activity would have on the baby. It's all quite a shock.
posted by : summergirl2 on 2/26/2009 at 3:55 PM Flag For Abuse
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*nodding*
I had a very fast preterm c-section delivery. I could barely wrap my brain around not being pregnant anymore, and my baby was in the NICU for six weeks. I didn't even hold him for 7 days, didn't try to nurse him for 5 weeks. It took 2 months before I felt like his mother, and at least another month before I really bonded with him.
posted by : anon on 2/26/2009 at 4:08 PM Flag For Abuse
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Beautiful story. I have experienced many of the same feelings as a new mother. Thank you.
posted by : Michele Musci on 2/26/2009 at 4:33 PM Flag For Abuse
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Does it matter so much if we have that emotional link with our baby right at first? I was super excited and felt love for my daughter my entire pregnancy and at her birth, but it was a love made of up a fierce instinct and desire to protect and nurture, just as this author describes doing if not feeling. I'm developing a love for who she is day by day, a delight in what she can do and be, as I get to know her and watch her develop. I think this is more normal than butterflies and kittens type of gushings about instant love for the wrinkly little newborn.
posted by : There are different loves on 2/26/2009 at 4:35 PM Flag For Abuse
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This is common with babies born either by caesarean or vaginally but with an epidural. I wonder if there are women out there who felt the same after a natural childbirth. It's funny but my husband could have written an article with this title. I think our baby was a few months old before he felt at all bonded. Terrible colic did not help....
posted by : Maia_Mom on 2/26/2009 at 6:45 PM Flag For Abuse
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what a touching article. Thank you! I am not a mom yet, but getting closer everyday. I think it's so important to share the different pieces of being a mother. It's not all puppy-dogs and sunshine. This is something that is so important for mothers to know - every child is unique and different and wonderful. congrats on being a great mom, your children are very lucky.
posted by : immunizecokids on 2/26/2009 at 7:46 PM Flag For Abuse
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Along the same taboo lines, what about loving one child more than another? My oldest child (who happens to be my only son as well) has a special place in my heart. I love my other kids too, love them passionately, but if I'm being totally honest I have to admit that I adore him in a slightly more intense way. I try to be aware of it and not differentiate, and it hasn't been an issue so far, but I wonder if any other mothers feel the same way.
posted by : anonaswell on 2/26/2009 at 9:50 PM Flag For Abuse
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LOVELY!!! I now have tears in my eyes.
posted by : Scandinavian mom on 2/27/2009 at 2:47 AM Flag For Abuse
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Maia_Mom: My sister gave birth "naturally" at home and experienced the same thing. I gave birth with planned cesearan and was awake, rested and without pain when they put the warm, wet, screaming baby on my chest. Personally I bonded instantely, looking into her dark blinking eyes. I guess it can happen both ways.
posted by : AnnaGavalda on 2/27/2009 at 2:49 AM Flag For Abuse
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A friend of mine told me, before I had my baby, that newborns are like bad pets - they're a mess, they are noisy, require all your attention to prevent disaster, and they wake you up, but have a lot of charm and cuteness anyway. I felt that way about my baby, and every time I make that analogy to other friends who are at home on maternity leave with their first, they laugh and seem relieved.
I don't even think it is either/or - you can love your baby to utter distraction and feel bonding and still be supremely annoyed and overwhelmed by the whole process.
I adore my toddler now, though living with a toddler is like being in a looney tunes cartoon all the time, and I adore her more every day as she becomes more of a new and fabulous person.
Maybe it all depends on preconceptions - on the internet, people bond instantly and babies sleep through the night at 3 months. All my friends had different experiences...
posted by : Emily Brideau on 2/27/2009 at 8:08 AM Flag For Abuse
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I could so relate to this! I felt immense responsibility for H when he was first born and a sort of intense, primal possessiveness that I suppose you could call "love," but it was an anxious, all-consuming love, not a healthy, happy love. He's ten months old now, and while that anxiety persists (as well as feelings of being shackled, losing my self, etc.), the healthy happy love has also emerged full force. I think after he was born, I kept waiting for life to get back to "normal," and I'm slowly realizing that this IS my new normal, and it's not so bad. Just different. Really different.
posted by : OHK on 2/27/2009 at 9:57 AM Flag For Abuse
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In response to Maia_Mom... when I am not on maternity leave, I am a midwife. I have seen LOTS of women who have given birth naturally, in the gentlest of circumstances, in their homes with candles, in tubs etc, etc. It doesn't mean you necessarily fall in love immediately. I didn't.
I don't really think bonding and loving are the same thing. I felt just like the author in many instances, but never actually felt bad about it, because it seemed totally normal to me. I had (still have) this animal instinct to protect my daughter which is deeper than I ever thought possible, but I can't say I was truly "in love" for ages. Heck, there are times when I don't really like her much even now. But I would die for her, at this point the love is there and the animal protection instinct is always unwavering. All ages come with their challenges, but that first year is really tough. Maybe it's because I have had so many clients who have come back for a second baby and have talked about what it's really like to be at home with their first in those early months that I didn't expect true love from the first moment, so I didn't feel bad about it.
posted by : DSF on 2/27/2009 at 10:50 AM Flag For Abuse
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Forgot to mention that my daughter is 8 months old now.
posted by : DSF on 2/27/2009 at 11:39 AM Flag For Abuse
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Thank you so much for writing this. You brought me to tears. I'm a new SAHM mom with an 11 week old in a new town with no mommy friends yet, so its good to hear from other moms who've gone through what I'm going through.
posted by : Caiti Schuster on 2/27/2009 at 5:17 PM Flag For Abuse
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The whole time I was pregnant with my first child I called her "The Passenger". From the moment I felt pregnant she was her own person and still is 8 years later. With all of my children it took about a month to really fall in love with them. When I adopted a daughter and had been home with her for a week, the nurse at the pediatricians office asked me if she felt like mine. I said, "No, not yet. But I feel keenly responsible for her". It was true. Three weeks later I could not wait for her to wake in the morning so I could play with her. I did not fall in love my husband at first glance and it took about three dates for me to really see he was the one for me. So it went with all of my kids. After the first one I knew I was just slow to warm to new people, no matter how cute and tiny. We had to get to know each other.
posted by : Ali on 2/28/2009 at 12:48 AM Flag For Abuse
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I struggled with postpartum depression. For me it was easy to love the baby, but extremely difficult to find the energy to care for her. I wanted - needed - to hold her, to nurse her, to notice her little expressions, but I had very little patience with her and I wanted to run away from the constant tasks needed to care for her. Thank you for helping me understand that I was not alone in feeling trapped and inadequate as a mother. My little one is now 8 months old, and we've both come through it just fine, and deeply bonded.
posted by : mamanomnom on 2/28/2009 at 11:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think it's time for a bonding backlash. Awareness of bonding issues is great, but so many of us have unrealistic expectations.
I didn't read anything about bonding until my twin daughters were already born, and I remember wishing I had. But now I think I was probably better off not expecting a close bond straight off. They were sluggish, sleepy preemies who didn't do much. They were cute then, but now that they are toddlers, I love them more everyday.
It seems to me now that parenting is all about giving, and feelings of love arise from that pure giving. If we give with expectations (even wonderful ones like feeling connected), we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
posted by : Loonanotsignedin on 3/2/2009 at 7:48 AM Flag For Abuse
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You said it. I wrote about this same experience recently (Maia_Mom, I had an unmedicated home waterbirth.): http://babyinbroad.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-tiny-valentine.html
I think there are many, many women out there who feel this way. And there are many women who love their children, but don't love the work of being a mother. We just don't hear from these women often enough, so thank you for sharing your story.
posted by : Noelle Lundgren Heiret on 3/6/2009 at 12:05 AM Flag For Abuse
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Thank you. I have felt so much guilt over not falling immediately in love with my baby, for getting so frustrated sometimes. I wish I had known that other people felt this way when he was born. Now he is 9 months old, and I am madly in love with the kid, but it was so hard at first.
posted by : moonrat on 5/5/2009 at 11:06 AM Flag For Abuse
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Wow. What a wonderfu article. It had me in tears! I love my daughter very, very much but I am the same in that some days I feel so bonded and then others things are so much more mundane. And those are they days when I panic and think there must be something wrong with me.
Clearly there isn't! Thank God for this article. xx
posted by : Esss on 6/4/2009 at 4:52 AM Flag For Abuse
