feedback for "Bad Parent: The Baby Between Us"

1. Parts of this are beautifully written, and it's an interesting idea. I think it's also a ridiculous one, to some extent. The mother of a son, I would have given anything to have a daughter. I love my son dearly but still long for a girl. The notion that all boys will naturally gravitate toward their mothers and the girls will wrap daddy around their fingers is a rather large generalization. I'm much closer with my mother than I've been with my father. Does my singular experience prove anything? Absolutely not. But so many would give anything to be in this woman's place; worrying about something like this seems trivial at best . . . and a bit immature.
   

   posted by : wish i had your problem on 4/2/2009 at 1:18 AM Flag For Abuse

2. Wow. . There is nothing wrong with occasionally feeling jealous of your spouse or child. I know that I wish my son would want to wrestle and rough-house with me every once in a while, instead of always asking his dad, and I know that my husband wishes that he was brought a story book to read every now and then. However, this sounds like a lot more than a little bit of jealousy. It sounds like she had a borderline inappropriate relationship with her father, and is concerned about her husband having similar boundary issues. At the very least, it is clear that her father used her to bully and emotionally abuse her mother. For the sake of her child's future emotional health and well-being, I sincerely hope that the author and her husband start going to see a therapist.

   posted by : bluebelly on 4/2/2009 at 1:22 AM Flag For Abuse

3. wow, I totally disagree with the above comments. People have irrational fears. ESPECIALLY when they're pregnant! Becoming a parent is really hard (even when you know how much others would give to be in your place), and it seems odd to me to judge someone for sharing her fears.
   My partner and I had to make a really conscious decision to get pregnant... we had to choose a sperm donor, buy it from the bank, monitor my ovulation, and get to the midwife's office just at the right time to inseminate. We got unbelievably lucky to get pregnant on the first try and I know SO many women who struggled for years and years to get pregnant. I felt guilty that it happened for me so fast, but also incredibly happy. This was a very wanted pregnancy and we couldn't wait to be moms. Nevertheless, there were moments of "what the hell did we do???" or "our lives are about to change completely. But our lives were so good before, why would we change anything???" And in the week before I gave birth my partner came to me in tears, convinced I would love the baby more than her. 
   And then our son arrived and he is pure joy. And she realized that we would love him equally together and that it's impossible to separate the love for him from the love for one another because we created him together, in love. 
   I think this was a beautifully written piece. Bravo to the author for her willingness to share her secret fears in such an open way. More women should be so honest!

   posted by : anonymom on 4/2/2009 at 4:06 AM Flag For Abuse

4. Thanks for the **Becoming a Parent** Story
   
   Up on BLOG
   
   Equal Parenting @ Ration Shed
   
   Onward - Jim

   posted by : JimBWarrior on 4/2/2009 at 10:27 AM Flag For Abuse

5. Very honest and powerful. My father passed away when I was 10 but I do remember our "dates" and our special bond. I would give yout his advice (not that you asked for it!): when you worry about feeling left out, also remember how wonderful it was for you to have that bond with your father. Won't it be wonderful for your daughter and your husband to have that too?

   posted by : Kay on 4/2/2009 at 10:36 AM Flag For Abuse

6. At various times in her life she will probably prefer one parent over the other, and it will switch. At the beginning, its probably going to be all mama mama mama, and your husband is the one who will feel left out. When she's a teen, she may not care for either of you - and then she may come full circle.  See a therapist if you want to, but I'd be surprised if you feel the same way a year from now.
   
   

   posted by : catmom on 4/2/2009 at 12:28 PM Flag For Abuse

7. Those first two comments are nutso. This is a beautifully honest piece; though I don't relate to this experience specifically I certainly had my share of sad or fearful thoughts when pregnant . And feelings of loss along with all that I gained and learned.

   posted by : cm on 4/2/2009 at 12:53 PM Flag For Abuse

8. Funny, I have a wretched relationship with my dad and I longed for a great husband who would also be an excellent father to a daughter someday. Now, I have the husband and the daughter - and they're VERY close. I do get a little jealous sometimes, but mostly I'm just grateful and happy that she has such a great dad!!
   

   posted by : mamajess on 4/2/2009 at 2:32 PM Flag For Abuse

9. I think the important thing to remember here is that you almost never feel the way you expect you will when the baby is actually born.  I had a son 2 years ago and am pregnant again with a second son and feared being "left out" (a little) of the boys club.  Turns out that I have a very mommy-centric young man and a husband who still worships me.  The important thing is that, in a family, every piece of the puzzle is needed to make it complete.

   posted by : Anodyne on 4/2/2009 at 2:41 PM Flag For Abuse

10. Ugh.
    
    Yes pregnancy is a totally irrational time. And I think Anodyne is right, that how you feel now will inevitably change with the arrival of an actual child.
    
    But, the entire article made me roll my eyes. Sure it's very emotional and very "powerful" if you find power in the disempowering Freudian notion that there is an inevitable Elektra-war between a parent and child.
    
    You are the adult. Being jealous of a special bond between another parent and child to this extent is so pathetic.
    

    posted by : eyesrolling on 4/2/2009 at 2:46 PM Flag For Abuse

11. I think you should give it a break. Or give me a break. Do you even want this child? If not, why did you get pregnant?
    
    You're being pathetic (excellent word for this, eyesrolling). Be thankful for what you have.
    
    I lost our son at seven-and-a-half months of pregnancy, and haven't been able to get pregnant again even though it has been some time - so this article really irks me. Stop being so goddamn selfish. Realize how lucky you are, and stop your f*n whining.
    
    
    

    posted by : bethankful on 4/2/2009 at 2:57 PM Flag For Abuse

12. I am currently pregnant with twin boys.  I read this article in tears, because I too, have fears that my children will come between me and my husband.  We're really close, and in love - and I worry one or both of us will forget that in the light of new love.  We didn't marry until we were in our 30's - we spent a long time looking for each other.  I am daily grateful that I found him.  I think it's fairly normal to wonder what changes, positive or negative, any major life change will bring.  I don't think it has to be about girls bonding to fathers, although that was this person's experience.  I think it's a worry that with a new bond, your old bond will wither, with a new love, you will be shoved out.  That said, we both want these babies, we planned for them, hoped for them, and worked for them.  I'm certain we will love them.  However, from what I've seen it is easy to forget one's spouse in light of new parenthood, and I'm determined that we will always make a place for each other that has nothing to do with the kids.

    posted by : Marjorie Dudley on 4/2/2009 at 3:01 PM Flag For Abuse

13. I didn't have a great relationship with my dad and will be so joyful if my daughter and my husband are super close...it will always be different with a child than a spouse, so I'm not worried about the jealousy. I want the world for my girl and I can't think of anything better than her having a great relationship with her dad. It flows into so many other aspects of a woman's life, I think, and she will be spared alot of the crap I went through (accepting abuse, wanting a boyfriend SO BADLY, seeking approval from men) if she has a strong bond with her dad, my husband.
    

    posted by : wife4life on 4/2/2009 at 3:13 PM Flag For Abuse

14. As someone above pointed out, one is prone to irrational fears during pregnancy, with which I sympathize. However, I find this article more than a little creepy, for reasons that I can't quite explain.
    
    It's been found that if both parents want the child, children will actually make the parents' own relationship better (it may change, perhaps, but still better), so there is hope. And I'm totally on board with what some others wrote above about needing a great dad to form a healthy relationship with men in general; what about this? Even the author's own experience seems to speak to this. Besides, what's wrong with having special jokes between a child and one parent? Doesn't the author expect to have her own special relationship with her daughter that her husband won't be able to share in? This is just the way things are. Finally, she writes that her parents did have their own section of the house, i.e. they made it a point to have their "own" thing that their daughter couldn't join in (at least not without knocking). I do sympathize somewhat with not wanting to be left out in the cold, especially considering her special relationship with her own dad, but it seems that she's totally ignoring all the positive signs to focus on the negative.
    
    "Get over it" sounds pretty harsh, but, well, get over it!

    posted by : ChiLaura on 4/2/2009 at 4:02 PM Flag For Abuse

15. I was pissed off reading this! I think because my mother, like the author, is a total narcissist and competed with me for EVERYTHING--but especially the love of my father, my brother, other relatives, etc.
    
    Like one of the other writers said, you are the adult. Being jealous of a special bond between another parent and child to this extent is pathetic. I didn't have a lot of time with my father, and while I want to have a strongly bound, closely knit family, I want my daughter to have a relationship with my husband that excludes me in places. That allows her to see that her world doesn't run through me. That there are many adults in her life that love her, that can help her to grow in ways I can't, that can nurture different talents and sides to her personality. So that ultimately she sees that she IS so special, in ways that no one else in the world can match.
    
    I would strongly suggest therapy, so you don't repeat the mistakes my mother made in always competing with me.
    
    I know I will make my own mistakes, and none of us is perfect. But this article really bugged me. I'm mad.
    

    posted by : inco on 4/2/2009 at 4:15 PM Flag For Abuse

16. I'm very worried about this author's self-centered attitude and recommend counselling before she finds herself divorced and blaming her child for the dissolution of her marriage "because Daddy loved you more." She needs to understand the world does not revolve around her, and the love her husband feels for their child is completely different in every way than the love he feels for her, apples to oranges, the two can't even be compared. Jealousy has no place in parenting, which is supposed to be utterly selfless.

    posted by : jennybear on 4/2/2009 at 4:16 PM Flag For Abuse

17. People like to play selfless, but few can be honest about feelings.  Saying you shouldn't have a feeling is the most destructive statement of all.  A close second is intellectualizing feelings through a Freudian lens.  The world loves to say "should".  Its easier that being honest, self-aware and accountable - how else can you possibly come to terms with anything?  Most of these people are truly pathetic and dealing in self-denial.  Kudos to author.

    posted by : coqui on 4/2/2009 at 6:06 PM Flag For Abuse

18. I think once the baby gets here the author will have a lot of growing up to do.
    
    I agree with inco, being jealous of a not yet born baby having a special relationship with its father is really weird and pathetic.
    
    And I have to disagree with coqui,  too often being "honest and self aware" allows people to continue indulging in ridiculous and adolescent behavior rather than getting on with the business of being an adult and parent.
    

    posted by : Spartic on 4/2/2009 at 6:23 PM Flag For Abuse

19. I can relate to this author as well. 2.5 years ago, before the birth of my daughter, my ambivalence about the pregnancy made me afraid that I'll lose some of the closeness that I had with my husband. I remember telling my husband that the baby would almost be like a stranger in our house.... It's very hard to know how you are going to feel towards a baby before it arrives. And I think that most women do experience some amount ambivalence towards pregnancy, some a lot and some very little. It's normal and healthy to be aware of it. Now that my daughter is here I feel incredibly happy and can't imagine my life without her. And yes, my husband and I could use more alone time but we just have make sure to carve that out for ourselves. My only critique towards this piece is the slug: Bad Parent? Why are you being a bad parent if you have emotions?
    
    
    

    posted by : swa on 4/2/2009 at 6:24 PM Flag For Abuse

20. When I was growing up, I felt like my mom and brother teamed up on me and had a special bond.

    posted by : Remembering on 4/2/2009 at 6:41 PM Flag For Abuse

21. Man, what a drag this lady is.

    posted by : getagrip on 4/2/2009 at 8:08 PM Flag For Abuse

22. This should be filed under "Bad Daughter" not "Bad Parent". I feel sorry for your mother.

    posted by : kiwi mum on 4/2/2009 at 8:39 PM Flag For Abuse

23. Grow up already.  I felt like i was reading a highschooler's diary.  Adults, especially those that become parents, are not jealous of their children.    I hope you snap out of it or get some serious counseling before that helpless child, totally dependant on you for everything, arrives.  She needs a grown up to raise her, not a teenager to baby sit.

    posted by : creepedout on 4/2/2009 at 11:46 PM Flag For Abuse

24. When I was pregnant I was totally worried about how the baby would change my relationship, and I was having a boy. Like Marjorie Dudley above, my husband and I were (and luckily still are) very close, very much in love, and very intimate. I remember crying thinking "this is the last time it'll be just the two of us," and mourning our family of two and the relationship we had, which was bound to change. I knew that I was going to miss that relationship sometimes. And it did change, and sometimes I do miss it, you know? My husband and I can't just take off on a romantic weekend for two anymore. We can't lie around in bed on the weekends, or have long conversations over dinner. Of course now that my baby is here I wouldn't change that for anything, but mourning the loss of that couple and being a bit worried about what we would become is, I think, quite natural. At the time, all I knew was that things were going to change in a big way. I doubt that makes me a horrible mother unworthy of having kids.
    
    I think some of the comments here are extremely judgemental. This author hasn't actually done anything except write an article and have a good cry with her husband and people are already calling her out on her behavior. We have no idea how she'll actually feel once the baby is born, she's just imagining things now, as an expectant mom. I know that my relationship with my husband is better than ever, but back then, all I could think about was that we were going to go from being young newlyweds, in love and mostly focused on each other, to "mom and dad," completely focused on someone else, someone  I hadn't even met yet! People have irrational fears, its what makes them human. I mean seriously, there are that many people here who never had a single mixed feeling during pregnancy? Who never thought "what are we getting ourselves into?" Even if you never had those thoughts yourself, you honestly think you can judge people who did? Really??
    
    And you know, bethankful, I've experienced losses too. I would never insinuate that just because I've had a loss that means no one else is allowed to ever feel anything even remotely negative about pregnancy or parenthood. It really bugs when the "I lost a baby" thing gets pulled into the conversation, because you can't disagree with someone who says "I've lost a baby" without looking like an ass. I'm sorry for your loss, truly, I know it hurts, but your loss does not get to be used as a way to invalidate the feelings of others, it just doesn't work that way.

    posted by : somethingmorethanamachine on 4/4/2009 at 3:09 PM Flag For Abuse

25. Really?  This author is actually worrying about the relationship her unborn daughter may or may not have with her father?  Just like this mother, I too am 6 1/2 months pregnant with my first daughter.   And, I too had a much closer bond with my father than with my mother as a child.   However, I can honestly say that the thought has never crossed my mind to be jealous of my daughter's relationship with my husband.   I've only thought about the wonderful bond I know the two of them will have and it makes me feel blessed to have such an involved and loving husband.  
    
    My initial reaction was that this mother needs to focus on the relationship with her husband.  These feelings of jealousy are probably being misdirected due to other issues or insecurities in her life.    If I could talk to this author, I would tell her be grateful that she has a husband that will be a part of her daughter's life and encourage their relationship to blossom...... she's extremely lucky to have such a great husband!

    posted by : From one pregnant mom to another on 4/5/2009 at 12:42 AM Flag For Abuse

26. It does sound like the author had borderline inappropriate feelings for her father -- a black and white photo of when he was young hanging over her bed?  Maybe somewhere else, but that's pretty odd.  I think it's also telling that her parents had to lock her out of part of their home and designate it their private space to send a message to their daughter, that she apparently never got.

     

    It is sad that this woman feels so much jealously before her daughter is even born, and I think that it's telling about her personality that only now does she see how her own mother might have felt.  But she doesn't seem to feel bad for her mother, just wishes it hadn't happened so she doesn't have to "pay back." 
    
    I hope she gets rid of some of this baggage, so her little baby girl doesn't have to answer for all of it.

    posted by : Mom 101 on 4/5/2009 at 7:12 PM Flag For Abuse

27. hopefully we can chalk it up to weird "pregnancy thoughts" but it seems the writer has unhealthy over-sexualized characterizations of parent-child relationships.  there are the obvious lines about her relationship with her dad and the focus on her mother having sex with her father while she didn't.  but also the revenge fantasy of having a son who she would form an alliance with against her husband.  why not another daughter? 
    
    i suspect this is a woman who has been used to exerting her sexual power and now is worried that her power is waning as she becomes older and a mother.  this reminds me of the type of woman who has few close female friends.  she surrounds herself with male admirers and is threatened by other women. 
    
    in response to various comments saying the writer's feelings are common:  yes, lots of people worry that the baby will come between the couple but only because the baby is so much work, it's usually not because one parent is worried the baby and the other parent will become allies and gang up on him/her.
    
    

    posted by : ebiemama on 4/6/2009 at 9:31 AM Flag For Abuse

28. Ugh, I have a wonderful mom who has weird jealously issues and man is it a bummer to have to make sure I tell my mom the important news first, can never have my dad visit by himself (now that we're adults), and couldn't even consider the idea of having just my dad walk me down the aisle. As the child, I was forced to be the diplomat and be sure that I treated my mom "equally". And now that I have a daughter of my own I never want to make her feel bad about having a special bond with her dad. So while I am a true believer in weird pregnancy thoughts, I just hope that they resolve themselves once the baby is forming her lifelong relationships with both parents.

    posted by : anon on 4/6/2009 at 2:58 PM Flag For Abuse

29. This made me laugh. I now have a 3 yr old son and a 7 month old daughter. I remember feeling the same way when I was pregnant with my first and we were on our last vacation in Europe.  Now, I don't even have a minute to feel wistful. We are just trying to survive here! You kind of just assume you love each other and go back to war in the trenches. 
    

    posted by : arc on 4/6/2009 at 4:36 PM Flag For Abuse

30. arc- wonderfully written! couldn't agree more!

    posted by : anothermom on 4/6/2009 at 8:48 PM Flag For Abuse

31. This may be overly-analytical, but I don't think this woman had the relationship with her dad that she thinks she did. She talks about thinking she was a  better version of her mom, and thinking she had a special bond and special jokes with her dad, but she never says he returned the feelings. She never indicates that they ganged up on her mom, just that she tried to use him to do so.
    
    In fact, tell-tale signs like the locked door that "they agreed on" not that her mom insisted on, and her ALWAYS siding with her dad, and the picture over her bed, point to her dad not returning her feelings. If she and her dad were really so bonded and so close, why would she constantly need to exert that authority over her mom? If they were so close, why would she constantly need to prove it to him even into adulthood?
    
    Probably, like most of us, she didn't want to admit that she could turn into her mom one day, so she over-identified with her dad.
    
    I don't think she's a bad person or bad parent for feeling this way, but personally, I find this sort of self-involved thinking and writing BORING. Then again, what do I know, she did sell teh article and get it published.
    

    posted by : readbetweenthelines on 4/9/2009 at 4:03 PM Flag For Abuse

32. Beautifully written piece: uncomfortable, sad, but honest. I can definitely relate to the relationship she shared with her own father. I was a complete daddy's girl. I remember when my parents separeted/divorced, I felt entirely responsible for making him happy, that as the eldest daughter, it was my job to replace mom's role. When he eventually began dating and remarried I actually remember feeling like I had failed, like it was my fault. Strangely no such feelings emerged when mom began dating. It didn't help that my mom occasionally voiced her own insecurities about their relationship. Whenever we needed money for something it was, "You call him, you ask him for it....he'll say yes if you ask." I guess my only advice for the author would be just to make sure that you aren't projecting insecurities about your relationship with your husband onto your daughter.
    

    posted by : mommyanddaddysgirl on 11/1/2009 at 6:51 PM Flag For Abuse